Exacting Etiquette for Employment

“Amanuensis” – One who is an artistic or literary assistant. In particular one who can take dictation or copy manuscripts. – He should be a good penman, of agreeable address and genteel appearance, fond of composing, and apt at learning to write in cipher. He should have a smattering of French, and be familiar with the forms and etiquette of correspondence.

An Exacting Miss? Or a Hoax? 

If we are much mistaken the following advertisement for a nice young man, which appeared in the Cleaveland Plain Dealer, was rather a hoax:

A lady, temporarily obliged to lay aside the duties and pleasures of writing, wishes to engage the leisure hours of a young gentleman in the duties of an amanuensis. He should be a good penman, of agreeable address and genteel appearance, fond of composing, and apt at learning to write in cipher. He should have a smattering of French, and be familiar with the forms and etiquette of correspondence. When not employed in writing, he will be expected to read with good taste and expression, be fond of poetry and music — to converse with gayety and spirit, and be familiar with cribbage and back-gammon. The compensation will be handsome, and no person need apply who is not neat in dress, younger than thirty, and an enemy to tobacco, poor puns, and the conventionalities of society. Communications with specimens of style, etc., directed to 'H, box 566, Cleveland post office,' will be promptly answered by appointment of time and place of interview. – The Weekly Alta, 1869

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Naval Etiquette

The rules of politeness to be observed by admiral, officers and seamen alike. The honors are paid to the uniform and not to the personality of the wearer. 

NAVAL ETIQUETTE

The fact that the Germans, while in Manila Bay last summer, were said to have no "sea manners," shows how rigidly the etiquette of the sea is observed by those afloat.

Admiral Horatio Nelson

The English and Americans are the greatest sticklers in these matters. And their regulations are laid down with great minuteness. The rules of politeness to be observed by admiral, officers and seamen alike. The honors are paid to the uniform and not to the personality of the wearer. The seaman salutes the officer, who is compelled to return the salute in like way; the junior is always the first to enter a boat and the last to get out: each person must salute the quarterdeck coming up from below, and so on.

A "Nelson Fork"~ It was developed and used from 1797 on, by Horatio Nelson, after he was attacked fighting in the Napoleonic Wars, resulting in the loss of his right arm.  Nelson was given command of the British naval ship, Agamemnon.  He served in the Mediterranean, helped capture Corsica and saw battle at Calvi. He lost his right arm at the Battle of Santa Cruz de Tenerife in 1797. He subsequently used, what came to be known as, a 'Nelson Fork' in order to assist him in cutting and eating food with the same hand.

Between the ships themselves, like rules are laid down. The junior commanding officer must first call upon the senior. The ilag officer in port must send his aide to offer the usual courtesies to the new arrival before more formal calls are exchanged. Consular officers must receive the honors and salutes due their rank, and a failure in the exact number of guns in a salute demand an apology and a new salute. The seamans being comparatively new to the sea have not yet attained such a degree of familiarity as those nations where the customs on board ship are the outgrowth of a century's experience and many of vile faults they committed were rather through ignorance than design.-From The Los Angeles Herald, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette in Gilded Age Boston

“So tell us about your new social club, girls.” The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette!

“New! Social Clubs for Working Girls in 1888!”

The successful beginning of a social club for working girls in Boston shows that experience has taught the way of interesting and amusing a most critical class of young women. Efforts made by girls of leisure to meet socially those who work, are apt to fail from want of tact on the part of the former and suspicion from the latter. Sometimes the benevolent young lady makes the mistake of establishing too intimate and cordial relations with the working girl whom she kindly hopes to elevate and encourage.


She visits the girl at her home, invites her to dinner or tea, and places their relations on the basis of intimate friendship. Although some instances of this method have been excellent in results, many; have been painful in termination. On the other hand, a social club with educational aims may be made beneficial to all its members. A young woman who was active in the formation of a successful club said to me, "Both the girls at leisure and the girls that work gain from our pleasant relations. We learn much from the others. Girls who earn their own living; gain a keenness from meeting the world which we cannot attain in our quiet home lives. They are so bright, too. We feel that they can take our measure, as it were, at once, and we are sometimes positively afraid of their penetrating looks."


It has been found that the young woman who has achieved social success in her own circle is most apt to be appreciated by the girls who know nothing of the ways of society. The tact and graciousness which please the cultured and unlearned of society manners, never count for more than among those who have not studied the rules of etiquette.—From the Boston Journal, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 19th C. Italian Youth

“The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having ‘come out.’After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things.” 

How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite.   

Where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society...

Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons. Complimentary phrases of speech, and an easy, graceful demeanor become as natural to them in a short time as to their parents. Too much stress in comparison with more important things in no doubt is attached to etiquette alone. But where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society than when there is no prescribed code of manners to emeliorate social contrast and protect individual position, and everybody is on the defensive lest the artificial barriers of differing social positions be invaded.

A state of society in consequence has been long established that admits and encourages pleasant but respectful familiarity between the varied ranks of the population. I will illustrate the practical working of this system in Italy. One of the ancient palaces in my vicinity is occupied by several families of the nobility. In the upper story there is a girl's school for children of the better classes. The daughter of the porter of the palace is received in it without pay, given the same advantages as the daughters of the Countesses and the Marquises her father served, and, treated precisely the same by all, is spared those petty but spirit-wounding reminders of social distinctions and pretensions with which

Anglo-Saxon girls delight to afflict those they assume to look down upon. Another school girl, of similarly humble position, is frequently invited by one of the noble ladies to be the companion of her daughter when she visits her villa during the vacations, partaking of all her privileges. Of course, such familiar intercourse can exist with mutual advantage, and no confusion of the essential proprieties of life, only in a country where society is on an established basis, and the refinement, and polish that belong more particularly to the more favored individuals extend to the less fortunate and become the rule of all. 

19th century Italian women with their children ~ “Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons.”

Royalty is perhaps the most rigid of all the ranks in exacting obedience in children to those rules of etiquette which are considered proper to their age, without regard to their future position. On one occasion, when, by request, I had called on the sister of one of the great sovereigns of Europe, the conversation turned on children. The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having "come out." After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things. But I am now persuaded that the European system of discipline of youth, in parting it in seasoned self-restraint, and deference to age, is more salutary to character than the license to self-indulgence not only tolerated but encouraged in America.

Anglo-Saxons, for sanitary reasons, do not permit their children to keep late hours with their elders, eat late meals and go to late amusements, as do Italians, no doubt prematurely maturing the minds and customs of their offspring at the expense of health. Apart from these cogent considerations, the habit of constant familiar intercourse with their parents and elders gives them a quiet, respectful demeanor, and puts them at their ease in any society. Early accustomed to be noticed and praised for good looks, behavior, or points of dress, they seek to emulate the aesthetic style of the adult society of which they make a part.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue.

According to our ideas, no doubt they often seem tame and colorless, or else unnaturally restrained in one direction and developed in another; but they are early fitted for their future positions without disturbance to the social machinery about them. At their ease and self-reliant in society, when Anglo-Saxon children would be constrained or awkward, they lose much in other respects, in force of character, independence, and self judgment, where initiative action is required, in which essential points American youth excel. The social restraints, narrowness of intercourse, and excessive formula of etiquette a fashionable Italian life, with its extremes of bigotry or atheistical materialism, would ill suit the Anglo-Saxon freer spirit, greater breadth of view and latitude of personal action.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue. There are instances, doubtless, in which skillful acting is a hypocritical pretense to cover up some base end, but such are the exceptions to a general rule of politeness which is based on the genuine disposition to please and be pleased in social intercourse.

Article Originally Published in the NY Times, Sent From Florence, Italy, 

August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for 19th C. Ladies

You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

In preparing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down as the first rule, “Do unto others as you would others should do to you.” You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

True Christian politeness will always be the result of an unselfish regard for the feelings of others, and though you may err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be impolite.

Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, in graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant both to please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us; a still clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice; there can be no true politeness without kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. 

Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not really existing in the heart; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much.

Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite and call it deceitfulness.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they may be entirely ignorant of the forms of good society; they may be awkward at table, ungrammatical in speech; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seeking solely for their own personal convenience; they will always endeavor to set every one around them at ease; they will be self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, polite.

Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a lady, created by God, only indebted for the outward polish to the world.

It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and courtesy, but when there is no heart in the work, the time is frittered away on the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and customs of society, and this politeness seeks only its own ends; to be known as courteous, spoken of as lady-like, and not beloved as unselfish and womanly.

Thoughts on Etiquette and Manners, by Florence Hartley, 1860 

Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed and will exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares not approach his ignorant, barbarous ruler without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most polished courts in Europe, or the home circles of America, etiquette reigns.

True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form, and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.

Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot exist where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. It is founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, and to show love. Thus, where such pure, noble feelings do not exist, the mere forms of politeness become hypocrisy and deceit.

Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends. Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be charitable, for all need charity. Remember who said, "Let him that is without fault cast the first stone." Remember that the laws of politeness require the consideration of the feelings of others; the endeavor to make every one feel at ease; and frank courtesy towards all.
Never meet rudeness in others with rudeness upon your own part; even the most brutal and impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy and kindness, than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence on your part. Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished surface throws back the arrow.

Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses polite regret. Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything by being offered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most common-place action will admit of grace and ease in its execution.

Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance with etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely by the heart. To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at all times, and under all circumstances. – From 1860 Vanity Fair Magazine, Taken from the Ladies' Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness in 1860, By Florence Hartley

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “First Ladies”

or...

 Will the Real First Lady Please Stand Up?

Writers of etiquette books, and those in Washington society, were horrified in 1877 when journalist Mary C. Ames referred to Lucy Webb Hayes as “the First Lady of the Land”

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON

The wife of the chief-justice, and not the wife of the President, is the first lady in the land, and takes precedence of all others. She holds receptions and receives calls, but she alone is excluded from all duty of returning calls.
 
The life of a lady in society at Washington is exceedingly onerous, and more especially so if she be the wife of any official. Next in rank comes the wife of the President.

SOCIAL DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT

It is made the duty of the President to give several state dinners and official receptions during each session of Congress. Besides these, there are the general receptions, at which time the White House is open to the public and every citizen of the United States has a recognized right to pay his respects to the President.

PRESIDENTIAL RECEPTIONS

On the days of the regular " levees " the doors of the White House are thrown open, and the world is indiscriminately invited to enter them. No "court" dress is required to make one presentable at this republican court, but every one dresses according to his or her own means, taste or fancy. The fashionable carriage- or walking-dress is seen side by side with the uncouth homespun and homemade of the backwoodsman and his wife.

From "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette- A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society E. B. Duffey ~ 1877

DINING AT THE WHITE HOUSE

DURING THE HAYES ADMINISTRATION

 

Etiquette and Protocol

At these affairs, a balance between men and women was maintained. Upon arrival, guests gathered in the East Room where the gentleman received an envelope containing the name of his dinner partner. At 7:00 P.M., the President and First Lady appeared. They led a double procession from the Red Parlor into the dining room.

 

During Hayes’ term in office, state dinners were served a la Russe - in the Russian style of bringing prepared plates and bowls from a separate serving area. No food or serving dishes appeared on the table to detract from the elaborate centerpieces, candlesticks, etc. Because Lucy was fond of fresh flowers, bouquets from the White House Conservatory were prominent on the tables. Each guest chose between two offerings for each course. The multi-course dinners could last up to three hours. Following dinner, Lucy was fond of leading guests into the conservatory.

Dinner with the Hayes Family

The Hayeses entertained close to 400 guests at formal and informal dinners during their four years at the White House. Cabinet members, politicians - friend and foe alike - intellectuals, literary figures, and military officers were frequent guests. Fellow Ohioans, Congressmen William McKinley and James A Garfield, were the Hayeses most frequent guests. Future president William McKinley, Hayes’ close friend and Civil War comrade, attended dinner 17 times while Garfield enjoyed dinner at the White House eleven times

.

Even though the First Lady had the social obligations of her "office," she had no hired staff. Lucy Webb Hayes invited nieces, cousins, and the daughters of friends to stay at the White House. The young ladies assisted as hostesses, attending state dinners, Lucy’s Tuesday evening levees, and Saturday receptions. Everyone benefited from the arrangement: Lucy had help with her entertaining, and the young ladies enjoyed Washington society. The letters of Lucy Scott West, penned during her stay at the White House, offer a rare, first-hand glimpse into White House social events during the Hayes Administration.

From The Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center

Lucy Webb Hayes was a popular hostess in Washington D.C. ; “Mrs. Hayes, on one of her tours with her husband, was asked if she did not get tired of seeing so many people and going so much, and she replied: ‘Oh, no; I never get tired of having a good time.’”—  Laura Carter Holloway

The following is a newspaper account of a luncheon held by Mrs. Hayes for fifty young ladies: 

Mrs. Hayes Lunch Party
State Dining Room in the White House
(Extracts from Philadelphia Times)

The young ladies visiting Mrs. Hayes, Miss Morgan of New York; Miss Mills of San Francisco; Miss Russell of New York; Miss Scott of New Orleans; Miss Devens of Boston; and Miss Herron of Cincinnati, have had much done for their entertainment during their visit. To day Mrs. Hayes gave a lunch party in their honor at 2 P.M. In the state dining room. Over fifty young ladies were present, and no married lady except Mrs. Hayes. In addition to the guests staying in the house, there was Chief Justice Waite's daughter; Justice Harlan's daughter and her friend, Miss Butler, Justice Bradley's daughter; Justice Miller's daughter, Ex-Justice Strong's daughter; Miss Lucy Work, who is a guest of Judge Swayne's family; the daughters of of Senators Carpenter, Bayard, Kernan, Pendleton, Randolph, Bailey, Edmonds and Vorhees, Speaker Randall's daughter, General Le Duc's daughter, Admiral Porter's daughter, Surgeon General Barnes' daughter, General Sherman's youngest daughter, two of Secretary Evart's daughters, Secretary Shurze's two daughters, British Ministers two daughters, the daughters of the Chilean, Spanish and Portuguese Ministers; Miss de Chambrun, the great-grand-daughter of General Lafayette; Miss Devans, the Attorney General's niece; Miss Bartlett, the daughter of the Secretary of the Chinese Legation; Miss Davenport and Miss Scovil, the guests of Representative Claflin s wife; the daughters of Representatives Loring and Norcross of Massachusetts; Miss Freeman, daughter of the late Colonel Freeman, whose family are so well known in Pennsylvania; Miss McCulloch the daughter of the Ex- Secretary of the Treasury; Professor Baird's daughter; Miss Scott, whose father is stationed at the Arsenal; Miss Pattison, whose father is in command at the Washington Navy Yard; Miss Stone, the sister in-law of Assistant Secretary of State John Hay, and her friend Miss Mather; Miss Haymaker, the guest of Mrs. Senator Nathan P. Hill of Colorado; and Miss Taylor; Miss Porter of this city.

As the State dining table seats only from thirty six to forty, it was extended by long tables reaching nearly across the room place that right angles with it at each end. Mrs. Hayes sat at the end of the room, and it the other opposite and Miss Russell of New York. The other young ladies staying in the house were dispersed among the guests. No gentleman were present. The table was exquisitely adorned with flowers and dishes of fresh and candied fruits, candelabra, etc. Potted plants were also grouped about the room. The plants and ferns in the conservatory were seen to great advantage through the long windows. A photograph was taken off the table, by Jarvis, the Washington View Photographer. The dinner cards were perfectly plain, square, white cards, with a silver edge and the coat-of-arms of the United States upon them. From the list of guests it will be noticed that nearly all the classes of officials ever seen in Washington society were represented- the Supreme Court, both Houses of Congress, the Cabinet and Diplomatic Corps, and also some private citizens. –Miss Grundy

A White House Wedding... President and First Lady Nixon in the recessional of the 1971 wedding of Tricia Nixon and Edward Cox

“I applaud the wives of our Presidents. They do wonderful work for the people of our country. They are to be commended for simply helping their spouses through the grueling hours and painful intrusions into their most private lives. However, the First Lady (an honorary title, by the way) was always the spouse of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, as those on the Supreme Court have their jobs until they die, or retire, if they so choose. They are the only such lifetime jobs our government offers. The Presidency was, and still is, simply a “temp job.”

Writers of etiquette books, and those in Washington society, were horrified in 1877 when journalist Mary C. Ames referred to Lucy Webb Hayes as “the First Lady of the Land.” Prior to Ms. Ames pilfering the “First Lady” title for her article, no references to wives of the President were anything but just that; The wife of the President. Aside from the fact that Washingtonian etiquette prescribed the social duties involved in being a First Lady at that time, and the Supreme Court Justices wives took their duties very seriously, many wives of Presidents were not all too happy that their husbands were running for the office. Some wives were very content to stay in their homes, close by to their friends, and they did not wish to pull up stakes for a move to Washington.

Take Anna Harrison for example. She was 66 years old when her husband William Henry Harrison was elected President. She loved her home was not too keen on moving. She had bore many children, and six had died over the years prior to her husband winning the Presidency. She had no political or social agenda, or desires. She is often quoted as saying, "I wish that my husband's friends had left him where he is, happy and contented in retirement." She skipped the festivities in Washington after her husband's win, and decided to wait until after his inauguration to move to Washington. She missed his record breaking inaugural speech in the freezing Washington air. Six weeks into his term, Harrison died from pneumonia and pleurisy. Anna received the news as she was packing to move to Washington D.C."
-From Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura Graber, Etiquette Sleuth

On official rank ~ “The President's wife, however, holds a position only second in importance: the wife of the Chief-Justice of the Supreme Court is the First Lady in rank.”  —    From “Our Manners at Home and Abroad: A Complete Manual on the Manners, Customs, and Social Forms of the Best American Society... Compiled from the Leading and Most Reliable Modern Authorities” 1881

“The closing months of President Hayes’ administration were marked by national good feeling and cordiality, and the social life of the White House was most brilliant. Dinner parties and invitation receptions followed each other in rapid succession, and the guests that were entertained there were great in numbers. The extent of her hospitality was estimated by ladies whose husbands had official relations with the President, and who by right of their positions were often at the White House entertainments, as being greater than any other hostess who had preceded her in her high position. She never gave a dinner or an evening party that was not on a scale of elegance compatible with her position, and hence only praise can be said of her administration.” 
—From “The Ladies of the White House, Or, In the Home of the Presidents: Being a Complete History of the Social and Domestic Lives of the Presidents from Washington to the Present Time” By Laura Carter Holloway, 1881 

Though “POTUS” had been used since the Johnson administration, it is believed Nancy Reagan was the first to be referred to as “FLOTUS”

Secret Service agents were reported to have picked up the term in everyday use during the Reagan years, and added a dimension: “To their Secret Service shadows they may be ‘Potus’ and ‘Flotus,’” wrote Donnie Radcliffe in The Washington Post in a 1983 citation, the first use in the Nexis database. Flotus (pronounced FLOW-tus, to rhyme with Potus, and not FLOT-tus) is “First Lady of the United States,” an informal designation first applied to Mary Todd Lincoln that has become a quasiofficial title. –From “On Language; Potus And Flotus” By William Safire, 1997

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia