Holiday Party Etiquette

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

“First Invite” Rule is Golden

ETIQUETTE: Deciding which soirees to attend and how to decline others does matter, experts say. Socialite Pattie Daly Caruso of Palm Desert hates to miss a holiday party. But if several conflict, she resorts to the "relatives first" rule, opting for family gatherings.

"It's important to determine which parties you need to go to," says Caruso, host of the "Valley Views" talk show on Time-Warner cable channel 10 in the Coachella Valley. If two close friends are each throwing simultaneous bashes, she tries to show up at both.

But what if the soirees are counties apart at overlapping times? Go with the first invitation you've accepted, says VictorSeitz, grooming and etiquette author and a professor of marketing at Cal State San Bernardino.

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

She advises holiday party hosts to mail invitations earlier next year, even in October, because December weekends tend to fill up quickly. "There are always friends who will be terribly hurt and expect you to get out of your other plans," Graber says.

What if there's no other party to attend but you want to weasel out of a bash anyway? anyway? "Just decline," says Seitz. "Just say you have another obligation. You don't have to justify a 'no.' But do RSVP. Most people don't even respond. It's sad and disrespectful.”

“Learn to be evasive,” says Graber. “Always thank the person, but don't go overboard. The less said, the better. ‘Oh, too bad. I wish the party were another night, is okay,” she says. “Keep the emotional stuff out of it.”

There's no need to be brutally honest. Sitting in front of the television clipping your toenails definitely constitutes “other plans,” she says. Curling up with a book and a cup of tea could be construed as “family matters. You're part of your family,” Graber says.

Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped. “Some people's feelings will be hurt no matter what,” she says. “There's so much we already feel guilty about, especially around the holidays. We don't need to pile on more.” — By Laurie Lucas, Press Enterprise, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Etiquette for Invitations

There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater.

About Invitations

• A first invitation should be accepted if, possible. 
• A note of invitation to a dinner, luncheon or theater party should have a written note of reply within twenty-four hours so that the hostess may have time to fill the place should a guest be unable to accept. 
• It is polite to give reasons for declining an invitation, such as a previous engagement or absence from town. If a previous engagement is mentioned it is courteous to explain its nature. 
• An invitation should never be accepted provisionally as, for instance, "I should be delighted to accept your charming invitation if I am well enough" or "if I am in town." 
• An invitation once accepted is a binding obligation. If illness or any other cause rises, making it impossible to a dinner or luncheon after having accepted, an immediate note of explanation and regret should be sent to the hostess. 
• There must be no delay in answering an invitation to a dinner, breakfast, home wedding luncheon, card party, wedding breakfast or theater. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Agony Aunts

Numerous “Agony Aunts” have given advice to readers of magazines and newspapers throughout the late 19th, the 20th and now into the 21st centuries. Even the popular period drama, “Downton Abbey,” had an Agony Aunt of its own, offering advice to women in Edith’s magazine. Butler for the Dowager Countess, Septimus Spratt, wrote under a female pseudonym. 

Agony Aunt, Anne Singleton, Gives Advice Passed Down from Her Aunts

“Dear Miss Singleton:

In writing a note to accept an invitation, one should say ‘I accept with pleasure.’ Or ‘I have pleasure in accepting.’ The act of accepting is not in the future, but in the present so ‘I shall be delighted to accept’ is wrong. 

Sincerely yours, A. H. L.” 

And so it is technically wrong, and often enough my aunts have called the same to my attention in early youth! But by the almost universal sanction of custom (and smart custom at that), this mode of expression has assumed a correctness which, as my correspondent points out, is not a true one. We project ourselves into the future when we say, “shall be delighted to accept” and imagine ourselves already at the party. We should say, “I shall be delighted to dine, dance, or play cards with you.” But “I accept with pleasure your kind invitation to dine, dance or play cards.” 

 A. H. L. is right, and I entirely agree with her. I was so carried away by the “will” and “shall” illustration, and so accustomed to the rather casual social usage of today, that it never struck me as incorrect. Alas, I am many years away from my aunts’ accurate teaching. Under their tuition, I learned to say “In the street,” never “On the street” one lived on a road, but in a street because the houses formed the street. To this day, I feel guilty when I find myself using any other forms of expression than those they approved. — San Bernardino Sun, 1931

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia