Etiquette in Cultured Society

“So let me get this straight... If I work on my table manners, and I get a knowledge of dining room etiquette and stuff, then I'll get a passport to the most highly cultured society?”

 How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food, because they do not know the proper table customs?

IT was not until many homes became afflicted with frozen gas that I realized what poor table manners exist in the average home. Many families betook themselves and their ill-mannered children to the nearby moderate priced restaurant. In a suburban restaurant, a mother with two children sat near me. 

There was a boy of 8 and a girl of 6. The unsuspecting waiter put down the usual glasses of water and a semi-sliced half loaf. In the grabbing which ensued the unoffending loaf was deluged with water. “Stop that, you two, or I’ll— I’ll...’’ and then catching my eye she apologetically said, “Isn’t this awful? You see, the children never ate away from home before; our gas is frozen and...” — But here her conversation was interrupted for it was necessary for her forcibly to separate both children from the celery. 

And these bad table manners were not limited to children by any means. Mothers and fathers and other home-bound relatives “forced into the open” by frozen gas or burst pipes, convincingly showed that they never had eaten away from home. Yet it is a simple matter to acquire good table manners, and good table manners are ever an asset. 

The earlier these are acquired, the more fortunate the child. I know a physician of prominence whose early training in this respect was neglected, and today his method of gripping his fork as if it were a cudgel, is a constant source of embarrassment to his highly cultured wife. How many girls who dined out for the first time with their “best beau” fail to enjoy their food because they do not know the proper table customs?

“She surely is a pretty girl.’’ said a young man to me recently, “but it would take me years to teach her table manners before I could let mother see her eat.” One mother of six young children whom I know, has exceptionally well mannered children. When her gas froze up, neighbors with the daintiest of table appointments were only too glad to have these little guests. In answer to my question, “How did you do it?” she told her secret. 

She said that as soon as each child was able to hold a spoon, he was taught to hold it “properly.” He was taught ‘‘respect” for food. The ethical side of eating was impressed upon him. To toy with food was wrong. She believes in one clean white tablecloth a week. And each child felt it his or her duty to keep this immaculate. The boys were taught consideration for ihe girls. The rest was easy. The children had a solid foundation upon which to build their table conduct. The rest came with practice. 

“Elbows close to the sides when eating.” was mother's gentle but constant suggestion. Only food too soft to be conveyed to the mouth with a fork should be eaten with a spoon. The children were taught how to cut or prepare the food on the plate before conveying it to the mouth. No child’s food was hashed up by the mother and then eaten with a spoon. Tlie children used their own muscular power and the food was chosen with an eye to their abilities and this direction. 

Only pleasant conversation was permitted. And crying, wailing, arguing or cave-man methods of obtaining one-share meant that the child had to leave the table before the meal was concluded. "So much trouble." I hear some one whisper. Well, everything worth while takes time and patience. 

This woman may not have much cold cash to leave these children when she passes on, but she will leave them with good table manners and a knowledge of dining room etiquette which is often a passport to the most highly cultured society. — Loretto C. Lynch in the Los Angeles Herald, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Tea Visiters

The domestic that attends the door should be instructed to show the guest up-stairs, as soon as she arrives; conducting her to an unoccupied apartment, where she may take off her bonnet, and arrange her hair, or any part of her dress that may require change or improvement. 

TEA VISITERS (sic)

When you have invited a friend to take tea with you, endeavour to render her visit as agreeable as you can; and try by all means to make her comfortable. See that your lamps are lighted at an early hour, particularly those of the entry and stair-case, those parts of the house always becoming dark as soon as the sun is down; and to persons coming in directly from the light of the open air, they always seem darker than they really are. 

Have the parlours lighted rather earlier than usual, that your guest, on her entrance, may be in no danger of running against the tables, or stumbling over chairs. In rooms heated by a furnace, or by any other invisible fire, it is still more necessary to have the lamps lighted early.

If there is a coal-grate, see that the fire is burning clear and brightly, that the bottom has been well-raked of cinders and ashes, and the hearth swept clean. A dull fire, half-choked with dead cinders, and an ashy hearth, give a slovenly and dreary aspect to the most elegantly furnished parlour. A sufficiently large grate (if the fire is well made up, and plenty of fresh coal put on about six o'clock) will generally require no further replenishing during the evening, unless the weather is unusually cold; and then more fuel should be added at eight or nine o'clock, so as to make the room comfortable.

In summer evenings, let the window-sashes be kept up, or the slats of the venetian blinds turned open, so that your guest may find the atmosphere of the rooms cool and pleasant. There should always be fans (feather or palm-leaf) on the centre-tables.

The domestic that attends the door should be instructed to show the guest up-stairs, as soon as she arrives; conducting her to an unoccupied apartment, where she may take off her bonnet, and arrange her hair, or any part of her dress that may require change or improvement. The lady should then be left to herself. Nothing is polite that can possibly incommode or embarrass —therefore, it is a mistaken civility for the hostess, or some female member of the family to follow the visiter up-stairs, and remain with her all the time she is preparing for her appearance in the parlour. 
                                         

Let both mothers and children understand that, on all occasions, over-officiousness is not politeness, and that nothing troublesome and inconvenient is ever agreeable.

We have seen an inquisitive little girl permitted by her mother to accompany a guest to the dressing-table, and watch her all the while she was at the glass; even following her to the corner in which she changed her shoes; the child talking, and asking questions incessantly. This should not be. Let both mothers and children understand that, on all occasions, over-officiousness is not politeness, and that nothing troublesome and inconvenient is ever agreeable.

The toilet-table should be always furnished with a clean hair-brush, and a nice comb. We recommend those hair-brushes that have a mirror on the back, so as to afford the lady a glimpse of the back of her head and neck. Better still, as an appendage to a dressing-table, is a regular hand-mirror, of sufficient size to allow a really satisfactory view. These hand-mirrors are very convenient, to be used in conjunction with the large dressing-glass. Their cost is but trifling. 

The toilet-pincushion should always have pins in it. A small work-box properly furnished with needles, scissors, thimble, and cotton-spools, ought also to find a place on the dressing-table, in case the visiter may have occasion to repair any accident that may have happened to her dress.

For want of proper attention to such things, in an ill-ordered, though perhaps a very showy establishment, we have known an expected visiter ushered first into a dark entry, then shown into a dark parlour with an ashy hearth, and the fire nearly out: then, after groping her way to a seat, obliged to wait till a small hand-lamp could be procured to light her dimly up a steep, sharp-turning stair-case; and then, by the same lamp, finding on the neglected dressing-table a broken comb, an old brush, and an empty pincushion,—or (quite as probably) nothing at all—not to mention two or three children coming to watch and stare at her. On returning to the parlour, the visiter would probably find the fire just then making up, and the lamp still unlighted, because it had first to be trimmed. 

Meanwhile, the guest commences her visit with an uncomfortable feeling of self-reproach for coming too early; all things denoting that she was not expected so soon. In such houses everybody comes too early. However late, there will be nothing in readiness.

The hostess should be in the parlour, prepared to receive her visiter, and to give her at once a seat in the corner of a sofa, or in a fauteuil, or large comfortable chair; if a rocking-chair, a footstool is an indispensable appendage. 

By-the-bye, the dizzy and ungraceful practice of rocking in a rocking-chair is now discontinued by all genteel people, except when entirely alone. A lady should never be seen to rock in a chair, and the rocking of a gentleman looks silly. Rocking is only fit for a nurse putting a baby to sleep. When children get into a large rocking-chair, they usually rock it over backward, and fall out. These chairs are now seldom seen in a parlour. Handsome, stuffed easy chairs, that are moved on castors, are substituted—and of these, half a dozen of various forms are not considered too many.

Give your visiter a fan to cool herself, if the room is warm, or to shade her eyes from the glare of the fire or the light—for the latter purpose, a broad hand-screen is generally used, but a palm-leaf fan will do for both. In buying these fans, choose those whose handle is the firm natural stem, left remaining on the leaf. They are far better than those with handles of bamboo, which in a short time become loose and rickety.

There are many persons who, professing never to use a fan themselves, seem to think that nobody can by any chance require one; and therefore they selfishly keep nothing of the sort in their rooms.

If, in consequence of dining very late, you are in the custom of also taking tea at a late hour—or making but slight preparations for that repast—waive that custom when you expect a friend whom you know to be in the practice of dining early, and who, perhaps, has walked far enough to feel fatigued, and to acquire an appetite. For her accommodation, order the tea earlier than usual, and let it be what is called "a good tea." If there is ample room at table, do not have the tea carried round,—particularly if you have but one servant to hand the whole. 

It is tedious, inconvenient, and unsatisfactory. There is no comfortable way of eating bread and butter, toast, or buttered cakes, except when seated at table. When handed round, there is always a risk of their greasing the dresses of the ladies—the greasing of fingers is inevitable—though that is of less consequence, now that the absurd practice of eating in gloves is wisely abolished among genteel people.– From The Ladies Guide to True Politeness and Perfect Manners, by Miss Leslie, 1864

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Mother's Secret"

He looks angelic, but were his manners as assured and correct as those of a grown man?

I once knew a lady whose son, a little lad of ten, was the admiration of everyone for his beautiful manners. While he was perfectly simple, frank and boyish, his manners were as assured and correct as those of a grown man. His mother could send him in a carriage alone to the station to bring a lady guest from the station, certain that he would give her every needful attention. He would take the checks, care for the baggage and bring her to the house with every courtesy. And always when visitors were at his home, he did his little share of entertaining them. He was quick to wait upon them and to show them every respect, and, though he was not forward, he was ready to converse with them if they seem so inclined.

"How do you manage it? What course of training do you pursue?" People used to inquire. "Well," I heard his mother answer, laughingly, at one time, "for one thing I never snubbed him. He has no idea that there are people in the world who do not like boys. He supposes that everybody is as friendly as himself. Then I have always brought them up to take care of me, and to be polite to me, and I am as careful to be considerate and courteous to him as I am to his father. So he never has to be put on his good manners; they are the habit of his life. I think that is all about there is to it." —From American Youth, 1893

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Erasmus of Rotterdam ~ The Father of Children's Etiquette Instructors

The bronze statue of Erasmus, in Rotterdam. Created by Hendrick de Keyser in 1622, it replaced a stone statue from 1557.

A Christian philosopher and educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam, was considered the greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of Renaissance, determined that manners were best if instilled in children at an early age. His book, “On Civility in Children” (c.1530), considered to be the first treatise in Western Europe on the moral and practical education of children, was a bestseller for over three centuries. The following are from his teachings:

1. “Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.” 
2. “To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use the table cloth or the serviette.” 
3. “Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat down. Wolves do that.” 
4. “You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and rubies might have fallen out of your head.” 
5. “If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere.”
6. “Retain the wind by compressing the belly.” 
7. “Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.” 
8. “Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind.”       

This popular etiquette book by Erasmus, ultimately became a standard textbook used in schools.

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920's Kids’ Lunchroom Etiquette

"Girls are usually daintier and more easily taught than boys, but most children will behave badly at table if left to their own devices. Even though they may commit no serious offenses, such as making a mess of their food or themselves, or talking with their mouths full, all children love to crumb bread, flop this way and that in their chairs, knock spoons and forks together, dawdle over their food, feed animals—if any are allowed in the room—or become restless and noisy." Emily Post 1922

School Lunch Room Etiquette for Girls and Boys in 1921

"Cleanness of body was ever deemed to proceed from a due reverence of God." — Bacon

1) See that your hands are clean.

2) Avoid rushing into or through the Lunch Room. Walk.

3) When carrying your food to your table, pay strict attention to getting it to its destination in safety.

4) Eat in the Lunch Room,—not in the corridors, nor in the Assembly Hall, nor on the street. Give four excellent reasons for this direction.

5) Eat slowly and noiselessly; don't "feed." Avoid talking when your mouth is full. Take small mouthfuls, so that you may talk without giving offense. Keep your lips closed when chewing. Never use your knife to carry food to your mouth.

6) In the Lunch Room, as elsewhere, sit with your knees together and with both of your feet on the floor, not on the rounds of your chairs.

7) Don't throw paper and refuse into the receptacles provided; drop it there.

8) Avoid boisterous talking and laughing.

The tones of the voice proclaim quite accurately the social background of the boy, the girl, the man, the woman. Her voice was ever soft, gentle, and low,—an excellent thing in woman.—Shakespeare 

9) Keep elbows and wraps off the Lunch Room tables; furthermore, do not sit on the tables.

10) Leave your place in the Lunch Room tidy and spotless, with your chair pushed up to the table.

11) Rise when an older person enters the room; remain standing until your courtesy is acknowledged, or until the older person is seated. (Optional with the teacher in the schoolroom.)

12) Boys, when a girl or an older person drops a pencil, a book, or anything of the sort, pick it up and return it unobtrusively, but with a little bow.

13) Avoid rushing from the room when the bell rings. Walk.

14) Open the door, boys, but let the girls pass out first, whenever practicable. When many are passing in opposite directions, keep to the right.

15) Never laugh at the accidents or misfortunes of others, even if they have a ridiculous side. Nothing shows ill-breeding so surely. He who laughs at others' woes finds few friends and many foes.

Compiled by contributor Gero-Dynamics©

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early 20th C. Manners for Children

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her.

There are people who think that courtesy is merely a matter of form. The manners of such people are not worth much. Sincere good manners require that a person be helpful and kind at all times, which means that good manners are closely associated with one's daily work. If you would cultivate the better kind of courtesy, there are many opportunities to do so in your own home life.

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her. Show your appreciation of her by drying the dishes in the evening, so that she may get an opportunity to rest. Help your mother when she is tired.

Girls, you can at least make the beds, straighten the living room, and, in the evening, wash the dishes even if you are attending school. On Saturday and Sunday you have your opportunity to learn to cook and clean and to give your mother a little play time. Sometimes your mother wants to be so very kind to you that she tells you you need not help. The next time she does it, remember your manners and fall to work.

Remember your manners and fall to work.

Outsiders judge you largely by the way you treat your mother. Do not impose your work on your little sisters and brothers. Always do more than they do, as you are bigger than they; and help them out when they are tired. You can never expect them to be considerate if you do not set a good example. Work quickly and carefully and quietly. If you put your best efforts into your task, you will find yourself enjoying it.

A thorough piece of work, no matter what it may be, is always a great satisfaction to the doer. Aside from this, you should endeavor to do your work cheerfully, because your mother is very little benefited by your labor if you are cross and disagreeable. Remember too that the skill and ease with which you accomplish the small home tasks are the best possible preparation for the big tasks you will meet later on.

Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother.

Take care of the things you handle while you are working around the house. Do not let the baby's doll be broken, or your sister's book be mislaid. Do not throw into the waste paper basket the composition over which your brother has toiled hard, even though he has left it very untidily on the table. Your good breeding shows nowhere more markedly than in the care you take of the things other people value. Always thank a member of your family for any favor as graciously as you would an outsider, and remember that "Please" is a helpful word anywhere. Don't say "Thanks"; it sounds ungracious. "Many thanks, Mother" or "Thank you, Fred" are much pleasanter expressions of appreciation.

PROBLEMS: WHO WILL SOLVE THEM?

1. Suppose that a child has never formed the habit of greeting his family with a smiling "Good morning!" — how can he learn to do it? What may make it difficult at first? How can he overcome this difficulty?

2. Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother. How can you get into the habit of helping her every day?

3. What do you think of beginning now a manners drive? You must do the planning for slogans, posters, scenes, plays, tags. These all help to arouse interest and to fix facts.

Here are two suggestions for manners slogans. Can you add others?

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. — Emerson.

Family intimacy should never make brothers and sisters forget to be polite to each other. — Silvia Pellico

By the Faculty of South Philadelphia High School for Girls 1922

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia