Etiquette and Civil Conversation

          How to Maintain a Civil Conversation

“What did I do wrong?” wrote a former student who’d had an unfortunate encounter.  In the parking lot of a local bar, he noticed a young woman getting out of her car and made eye contact.  They were both heading inside the establishment and began to chat.

Once inside, he met up with a guy friend and they asked the woman to sit with them.  They all chatted comfortably on many subjects.  After quite a while, the woman mentioned a political candidate and one of the men said he actually liked him.  The woman suddenly became irate and “blew up” at both young men.  She then jumped topics immediately and accused them of being racist.  

My friend reported that nothing at all in the previous conversation would have led either of the men to believe this event could have even happened.  He asked how he might avoid finding himself in polarized conversations in the future.

Fortunately, there are etiquette rules of engagement that can help keep a civil conversation from going awry.

Aiming for Peaceful Interactions

Finding yourself in the company of someone who can't simply disagree and let go creates an uncomfortable situation.  Unfortunately, there are people who believe that others who don’t hold their particular political or religious/irreligious beliefs are not just misguided, but that they are also bad people.  (This is probably what happened in the bar conversation above.)  

Fearing these type situations creates a sense of dread when it comes to having conversations with friends, family members, or even strangers.  It's a proverbial roll of the dice whether someone will share your viewpoint, or how they might react upon discovering they do not share your viewpoint.

Being etiquette-ful implies that you are willing to soften the rough edges of conversation by "not going there with strong feelings."  Etiquette is aimed at peaceable interactions, even when there may be an underlying disagreement.

However, etiquette rules are engaged in the moment, at the margin, and only by individuals.  You have no control over what someone's opinion or reaction will be, but you do have control over your own words and reactions.  

An Open Mind Leads to Civil Conversation

Once a conversational explosion happens, it’s too late to do anything about it.  Practicing these five skills of civil conversation can help you be ready for, or help diffuse, a potential explosive situation.   

1. Listen to understand.  Be able to summarize it back.  “So, help me clarify, are you saying…”  You are clarifying for yourself.  This differs from listening and summarizing to formulate a response or rebuttal.  
2. Encourage yourself to be curious about what the other person is saying.  Curiosity carries no judgement and encourages an open mind.
   
3. Use “I” statements when talking about your view on a particular subject.  Using “you” statements can come across as blaming.  "But you just said . . ." or "You seriously believe that . . ."
   
4. Look for common ground in any conversation.  Seek it out.  Having conversation starters in mind before you engage prevents bringing up topics that might trigger negativity.  “John, I hear that you really love this country.  I’m like you.  I appreciate living here so much.”
5. Back off when needed.  Etiquette asks that we employ pause -- short or otherwise.  It may be that you find yourself trapped with nowhere to go on a subject the other person is reactive about. “Cory, I see your point and feel your concern.  I also know we differ a lot on this subject.  Should we stop our conversation about it and move on to another topic?”
   

The ultimate goal of employing these rules of engagement is to maintain a civil conversation.  Aiming for civility in your life is an excellent reason to approach interactions with others in a respectful and courteous manner.  

This does not imply that you must always agree with the people you interact with.  But it does mean that you can agree to disagree and still like and respect another person.

It also means that you can encourage civility by being a living example of it.  When you can find common ground, show understanding, and be authentic enough to stand your ground as you change the subject, you will automatically earn the respect of others who wish to follow your example.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Hearing Impaired

Communicating with Someone 
Who Has a Hearing Loss

Over one billion people are deaf or have some degree of hearing loss.  Odds are you know someone who is experiencing this.  

Those who have an impairment have shared that they would hope others realize how costly it is to have to consciously focus on what others are saying.  It’s not that they don’t want to hear what others say, it’s that the focus becomes tiring during some conversations.

Human interaction is vital to each of us.  But how do we maintain etiquette-ful communication when all parties may not be able to fully participate?

Challenges in Communication

Hearing loss can vary from mild to severe.  One person I spoke with shared that the best thing for him is when the person with whom he is speaking doesn’t go on and on.  Keeping conversations short and concise helps him immensely.  As does enunciating and articulating.

Eye contact, while important in every interaction, is especially important when someone isn’t hearing all your words.  She often watches lips and “reads” what you are saying.

People who have hearing loss are aware they miss out on at least parts of conversations.  They:

• don’t want to be a burden in conversation.
• feel as if their remarks will be off topic due to mishearing.
• don’t like it when others (only trying to help) raise their voices in a way that is patronizing.
• don’t like attention drawn to them when others do this.
• feel many emotions due to their challenge.   

Being hearing challenged can be a lonely position.

Mindful Communication

Speaking with someone who can’t hear you presents a challenge.  Consideration and understanding are key during these interactions.

What to do:  

• Speak slowly and clearly and look at the face of those to whom you are talking.  This is always important, generally, and specifically in the case of someone who has an impairment.  
• Ask if you are speaking loudly enough.  The person will usually follow with specific information that will help you.
• Maintain good eye contact. 
• Be patient if you need to repeat what you’ve said.  (Take a breath.  Relax.)
• Think before you speak.  The “going on and on,” as a friend reported, is something that can be mindfully cut back on.

What not to do:

• Don’t exaggerate your facial and mouth movements.
• Do not speak loudly and forcibly slowly.
• Do not embarrass the person by getting angry or impatient because of her hearing issue. 
• Point out to others that the person is hard of hearing.  Not only might this embarrass him or her, but the conversation will often become pointed at you—as if you will be the one to interpret or help the hearing-challenged person.
  
  

Listening with Hearing Loss

Effective communication is not a 50-50 effort, it requires 100% participation from all parties.  If you have a hearing impairment, it is helpful if you:

• Let your conversation partners know you haven’t heard something – it could be important.
• Wear hearing assistant devices.
• Tilt your head in the best direction if the impairment is in one ear more than the other.
• Work to be patient with others, even if you are frustrated with yourself.

Maintaining and improving relationships is what being etiquette-ful helps us to do.  When someone experiences hearing loss, it affects every aspect of communication.  And it’s not just about one conversation participant or the other.  

Every participant in a conversation has an obligation to make that communication as effective as possible.  Communication is at the heart of every relationship.  Remaining mindful and considerate is always the thing to do.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia