Gilded Age Hair, Toilettes and Fashion

 

I'll think about that tomorrow! 

“The toilet then wants harmony, which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty.” 

A lady in her decline, dressed in her hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars, bracelets, etc... offends against propriety as much as against her interest and dignity. The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to choose grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; to avoid garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet any other object but ease and neatness.

Old ladies, whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life, should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls. If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for winter or summer, as may be suitable.

 

 

A Toilet Comb, patented in 1910 to help ladies push stray, shorter hairs under longer hairs, when finishing their style. 

 

Unless the care of their health, or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig, it is more proper that old persons should show their white and noble heads. It is in good tone for gentlemen to wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer coats.

To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for us to make a few observations. It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously traveling in the dust or mud. Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by making your dress the description of your person. 

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fashions and asks how long they will probably last before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with success according to her size and figure. It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house, especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black at a short distance from the house.

 

“Patent for a Hair Receiver” from 1901 

Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the anatomist.

From “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes” by Elisabeth Celnart 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Improving Etiquette by Dueling?

It is argued that the abolition of dueling causes English women to be treated with less respect than in former days, and thus it is indirectly the origin of the suffragette movement. A step back toward those chivalrous, romantic days has been taken in the preparations now in progress for a special exhibition to illustrate the history of swordsmanship, with the object of popularizing the sword in England. 

— Photo of a “Dueling Sword” from Pinterest 

English Movement to Revive Dueling

Well-Known Men Believe That It Would Improve Manners and Discourage Divorce

LONDON, Jan. 26. — In these days of continued novelties and of the revival of many old things, there is not much room left for real surprises, but a surprise is certainly furnished by the statement, made apparently quite seriously, that certain well-known Englishmen are not only in favor of the revival of the duel, but will do their best to bring such a revival about.


It is argued that the abolition of dueling causes English women to be treated with less respect than in former days, and thus it is indirectly the origin of the suffragette movement. A step back toward those chivalrous, romantic days has been taken in the preparations now in progress for a special exhibition to illustrate the history of swordsmanship, with the object of popularizing the sword in England.


It is claimed by the promoters — many of whom are prominent men in English society— that the revival of dueling in England would be associated with the following beneficial results:
1. Better manners and more civility.
2. The purity of the home.
3. The practical abolition of divorce.
4. A higher moral standard.
5. Less friction and rivalry between the sexes.
6. A finer physical standard for all who practice fencing.


Most of the gentlemen who will take part in the celebration, which will be a matinée, are members of the Actor's Sword Club, and the scenes illustrating the history of the duel will be based on a series of famous fights taken from both history and fiction. Sir George Alexander kindly has kindly loaned St. James's theater for the matinée, but owing to the elaborate preparations necessary, the performance can hardly be given before next May. Duels of all periods will be fought, and special ‘quarrel dialogue’ suitable to the period will be written by well-known authors to lead up to each fight. This ‘quarrel dialogue’ will require very careful writing, for a grievance or insult that would have stung an ancient Roman to the quick might not be enough to base, say, a modern French duel upon.


“We shall overcome this difficulty,” said Gerald Ames, “by facing our quarrels upon the honor of women, in which cause man has been prepared to shed his blood throughout the ages. Nowadays woman is not treated with the respect and reverence that was her right in the old days when most women had a champion who was prepared to draw his sword for her honor. If you take a lady out to supper and some cad of a man takes it into his head to annoy her with his insolent staring, she has no redress, and you have no means of punishing him. If dueling were recognized and practiced in England that sort of thing would be stopped and a lady could walk out alone without fearing the insolent advantages and attentions of the cads who infest our streets to-day.


“But apart altogether from the social advantages of dueling, sword practice, or fencing, is quite the finest exercise there is for keeping a man or woman fit. Lord Halsbury, Lord Desborough, Lord Howard, de Walden, and the Speaker (Mr Lowther) are among our best-known fencers. They have all promised their patronage, and among those who have already promised to help are the amateur champions and ex-champions, Norman Forbes, Ben Webster, Justin Huntly McCarthy, Jerrold Robertshaw, Athol Stewart and Col. Matthew. Egerton Castle will act as ‘chorus’ between the scenes, and explain the development of the weapons and the rules of fencing of the period.”— The New York Times, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette —“Dear Beatrice”

The “Dear Beatrice Fairfax” advice column began in 1898 and is said to be the first advice column in the U.S. (though the popular 1890, “Ruth Ashmore” advice column by Isabel Mallon, was actually the first). Written by Marie Manning, it was an immediate success. At one point the column received so many letters, the U.S. Post Office refused to deliver them. The New York Evening Journal, publisher of the column, had to retrieve the letters itself. Manning's common sense advice was popular and imitated nationwide. Sadly, Manning's efforts went largely unrewarded. Manning’s pay and status remained low at the Journal, so she eventually resigned, only returning after financial hardship during the Great Depression. Manning went back to work for the Journal, again writing her Beatrice Fairfax column (which had been syndicated for years) and wrote the column until she passed away in 1945. During her lifetime of giving advice, she wrote four novels and “Beatrice Fairfax” was immortalized in several popular songs of the era. One is in the opening line of George and Ira Gershwin's song “But Not For Me,” from the 1930 musical “Girl Crazy.”

Manners are the gracious way of doing things. No better rule for “good form” and “etiquette” can ever be evolved than this simple little statment. Kind-hearted people have the first asset toward good manners, if they govern their kindly impulses by good taste and common sense they are sure to act in a manner that far exceeds “the proper thing" in human value.

Take the simple question of whether a girl shall ask a man to call on her, or no. The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. And common sense ought to indicate to any girl whether a man is sufficiently interested in her to want the opportunity of seeing her again, or no.

For test of any question where you doubt the certainty as to what is the proper thing to do, just apply kindness, common sense and good taste. And you will be as well off as if you had studied manners in a finishing school or a book of etiquette. – Marie Manning, aka “Beatrice Fairfax,” 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Edward Forgave American Solecisms

One successful American in Edwardian era London promoted himself ~ In 1906, following a vacation to London, American businessman, the savvy and brash, Harry Gordon Selfridge, returned to England and invested £400,000 in his own department store. Built in what was then the “unfashionable” western end of Oxford Street, the store opened in 1909 to the public, and his 20-year leadership of “Selfridges” led to his becoming one of the most respected and wealthy retail magnates in the United Kingdom. He was known as the “Earl of Oxford Street.” Sadly, his solecisms and downfall were to follow, from lavish spending, gambling debts and affairs with showgirls.

“The social promoter abroad, whether male or female, is not always the happiest of mortals. The recent disaster which befell some Americans who trusted too much to the savoir faire of their sponsor in London has produced disastrous results. English society is still a stickler, and the rumor that a gentleman and his wife, trusting to an American in London, who has had some position, in engineering them through, committed some kind of solecism, being present at a ball at Buckingham Palace without previously having been presented, has been the talk of the clubs this week. However, the matter is much more serious from the point of an American in London, than otherwise. Very few Americans have been honored with invitations to state balls at Buckingham Palace, which are very stupid functions and empty honors at best.

King Edward is very liberal in his ideas, especially toward Americans, but extremely narrow where his own subjects are concerned. He has been known to send to Coventry, men of prominence—and women, too, for that matter—for very slight breaches of etiquette. But he is most lenient in the case of people from this side. There is reason to believe, in the present story as retailed, that there is a slight animus in the American colony in London. However, the incident bears fruit, and Americans who go to London for social recognition there, are becoming more and more wary of the promoter who has not been in favor recently. The social promoter is not unknown in New York, and there has existed in late years, a certain prejudice against him. The male promoter is disappearing, and the man who can secure a comparatively unknown person membership in exclusive clubs is becoming rarer each day. Ten years ago there were many such men, members of the most fashionable New York clubs. Today there are strong local prejudices to fight, and Wall Street is often a factor.” –The Los Angeles Herald, 1904

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Edwardian Etiquette of First Calls

In many houses, between 4 and 5 o'clock in the afternoon, a cup of tea is always offered to visitors. The maid either brings in a tray containing a small teapot, a silver pitcher of hot water— in case the tea is too strong— a small pitcher of milk or cream, or a little dish of sliced lemon and plate of cakes, or tiny three-cornered bread-and-butter sandwiches; or, if there is a tea table in the corner of the room, the lady herself makes the tea for her guests; but the former method is now deemed the smarter. Except occasionally, on a reception or at home day, it is no longer considered good form to have a tea table in the drawing room. 

Who Makes the First Call?

When people settle in a small city or town, or in the country. It is courteous for the residents of the place to make the first call: upon the newcomers, which must, of course, be promptly returned. Even if some of these acquaintances, are not desired, really well-bred people always return first calls within a few weeks, allowing, if they so choose, all subsequent calls to be unreturned by them. And so the acquaintance can generally lapse without the cut direct and the bitter feeling that would undoubtedly be caused by the failure to return the first visit of a neighbor. 

In lax cities, the population is so dense that for obvious reasons people do not call upon their neighbors unless they have obtained introductions and have been invited to do so. In New York or Chicago, one's circle of friends is scattered all over town, and the residents of the same block, though they may live side by side for years, generally remain entire strangers to each other. In England, however, and even in diplomatic circles in Washington, the reverse is the custom, and the stranger calls first on the residents of the place without waiting for friends and acquaintances to make the first visits, as is the usual American custom. 

I once knew two charming women, one a Canadian and the other an American, who were at loggerheads for no other reason than that neither one would be the first to break this law of etiquette of her respective country. They had met perviously at a watering place and were mutually attracted to one another when the next summer, the American went to stay at a hotel in the home city of the Canadian. Now, each knew perfectly well the whereabouts of the other and longed to continue the acquaintance, but the American would not call first on Lady M___ because, as she said, it was Lady M___'s place to call first upon her. That was American etiquette, and Lady M___ knew it. And Lady M__ on her side, would make no move.

Mrs. R___ should, she declared, make the first visit. English etiquette demanded it, and Mrs. R___ was not ignorant; she had visited in Canada, and had even been to England; and she knew all about it. And so matters remained for one entire summer; neither would give in because each was firmly convinced that the very letter and not the spirit of the law of etiquette of her respective country was the only thing worthy of her consideration. It is not necessary to say that such a state of things is supremely ridiculous. A little less stubbornness and more common sense would have convinced the American that the really well-bred woman invariably follows, so far as she can consistently do so, the customs of the country in which she chances to be.– Eleanor B. Clapp, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Royal Etiquette Weirdness

Very odd customs of King Edward VII and Queen Alexandra– Every man and woman who has been invited down to Norfolk on a visit to their Majesties, gets weighed by either the King or Prince of Wales before leaving. 

One of the queerest customs in vogue at Sandringham, the favorite country house of King Edward VII and Queen Alexandra

Yet another oddity connected with Sandringham house is that of the festivities attending the departure of guests. Every man and woman who has been invited down to Norfolk on a visit to their Majesties, gets weighed by either the King or Prince of Wales before leaving. This is the parting function on the morning of departure. 

Each guest's weight and a description of his or her dress is set down in a book kept for that especial purpose. No one knows the origin of this queer custom, but the King began practicing it years ago as the Prince of Wales and keeps it up as King. – Los Angeles Herald,1903

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Letter Writing Etiquette

The calls for written expression are many, and unless the dame of fashion possesses an up to date scribe or social secretary, and the young girl will not, very likely, though the matron may, it is essential she should be well posted as to the etiquette of correspondence. 

The Etiquette of Correspondence

As the social season approaches and the young girl is just about to emerge into the world of society, a full fledged butterfly of fashion, many details in connection with the happy and auspicious event have to be considered, among them the polite art of correspondence. There is nothing which seems to reflect a general air of innate refinement and cultivation like that of being able to express one's self on all occasions with ease, elegance and fitness.

The calls for written expression are many, and unless the dame of fashion possesses an up to date scribe or social secretary, and the young girl will not, very likely, though the matron may, it is essential she should be well posted as to the etiquette of correspondence. Many hints might be dropped in regard to the manner in which to write a note or letter. For formal occasions there is always a prescribed usage, varying a little with the importance of the personage and the function and with the prevailing taste in such matters.

To illustrate my point, there are times and occasions when the stately "honor" is used in preference to the more familiar and cordial "pleasure," but the most important thing of all is to be able to compose informal notes and letters in an easy and colloquial style. The regular business letter, which women of affairs so frequently do write, should be brief and to the point, expressed clearly and concisely, at the right hours at most devoted to business is all too short for the rush and whirl of one tense and strenuous era. — Los Angeles Herald, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Royal Bloomers

Queen Victoria would have probably been as shocked at having her luggage gone through, bloomers and all, by foreign customs agents, as her daughter in-law was in 1904. Most likely, even more shocking to Queen Victoria, would be to hear that her old bloomers sold at auction for nearly £10,000 in July of 2015

Kissing the Queen's Hand?

An incident of the Queen's journey to the south deserves to be recorded. At Toulon, Admiral Gervais was so carried away by his feelings that, in violation of all royal etiquette, he kissed her Majesty's hand and kissed it with fervor, an act which was taken in very good part by our kind-hearted sovereign.— Pall Mall Gazette, 1895

Searching the Queen's Baggage?

The Queen of England has had an experience with the foreign custom-houses for the first time in her life, and it is said that she did not enjoy it. It was while she was returning to England from Denmark, and her thirty trunks were thought to belong to some one else in Belgium and thoroughly searched. This, of course, was a grave breach of etiquette, and some one must have suffered besides the Queen.—New York Tribune, 1904

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Weird Royal Etiquette

"Why yes... I have heard of the queer customs in vogue at Sandringham!"

One of the queer customs in vogue at Sandringham, the favorite country house of King Edward and Queen Alexandra, has to do with Sunday church service. It is an understood thing that unlucky thirteen numbers the minutes of the reverend gentleman's discourse. No preacher is expected to preach longer than thirteen minutes. 

The habitues of the Sandringham pulpit understand and rarely pass the limit. The men who from time to time step fresh into the greatness of sermonizing to King Edward are always duly informed of the restriction and stop as near the thirteenth minute as they can.

Another point of etiquette in the King's home, church is that the clergyman always speaks in the direction of the lower left hand corner of the little building. The acoustic properties of the church are such, that owing to her deafness, the Queen can hear what is said only when the speaker looks neither to the right nor left; but into that particular corner. — San Francisco Call, 1903

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gentleman's Etiquette Views

Frederick Townsend Martin was a New York City writer and advocate for the poor, circa 1900

Frederick Townsend Martin on Etiquette

TALKING —  “Thoughtlessness makes the boy forget the cigarette between his lips when speaking to a woman.” “The laxity of manners displayed when greeting acquaintances is greatly to be deplored.” “Good manners take time, and many people feel that they haven't the time to spare.” “There is a sort of epidemic of bad manners among the same class all over the world.” 

MEETING —  "Perhaps it is the prevailing hurry in which we all live that makes men tip their hats instead of lifting them.” “Hurry and thoughtlessness are the cause of most breaches of etiquette which make up the sum of our bad manners.” “Men no longer salute women except in a casual sort of way, as if it were too much of an effort.” “Few women know how to bow gracefully, yet formally. They give a curt little nod.”

WALKING —  “It is seldom nowadays that you see a couple walking together correctly.” “Generally the young man is holding on to one of his companion’s elbows, or one is striding ahead of the other,” “There are, however, always a few who belong to the ‘old school’ no matter what the fashion is.”

ALIGHTING —  “In a desire to hasten her steps the escort yanks his companion off the car, greatly to her discomfort.” “At the club I frequently hear the older men complaining of the lack of manners of the younger generation.” "It seems to be the fashion to have bad manners just now, just as at other periods it was the thing to have the most perfect and exquisite manners possible.” — Los Angeles Herald, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tea Etiquette in Scotland

It is a most distracting matter to decide whether to take strawberry, raspberry or black currant or damson jam...

We asked Clarice this morning if tea drinking is as general a custom in Scotland as it is in England, and she immediately threw up her hands.

"Oh, much more so," she said, "especially in Glasgow: I must tell you about the Glasgow tearooms, which are just about the brightest spots in that very interesting city, and so inexpensive. Fancy being able to lunch to repletion on 6 pence that's 12 cents of our money, you know; and where too, the girls with a taste for sweets can indulge in it for the same price, since nearly everything in sight is sweet!

Every variety of bread known to Scotland– scones, potato scones, sweet milk scones, currant scones, brown scones

"Fancy a table spread with every variety of bread known to Scotland– scones, potato scones, sweet milk scones, currant scones, brown scones, all rather heavy and suggesting indigestion, but so good: bread and butter with carvies (caraway seeds covered with sugar), "bawbee baps," oatcakes, and endless other varieties of doughy confection. Then come cakes, and cookies, and buns, and little tarts, and then, best of all, arranged in a neat square in the center of the table, diminutive pots of jam each holding enough for one person of good, but not too greedy, appetite."

Take a small cup of tea for two pence, on the chance of not wanting another, or to take the large cup for three pence in the beginning, and in the end save a penny! ~ When stirring your tea, do so quietly, without clinking your spoon on the cup. When done stirring, quietly place your tea spoon to the right of the cup on the saucer, in the 5:00 position. Always leave your saucer on the table if you are seated. Do not lift it up with the cup. Lastly, keep your pinky finger curled! A pinky finger up in the air exhibits an affectation and poor manners when drinking from a cup, regardless of what you've heard or read!

But after your artistic sense has been delighted by a birds eye view of all these glories your real difficulties begin. In the first place it is a most distracting matter to decide whether to take strawberry, raspberry or black currant or damson jam, and having decided to chase the last to lose the berry around and around the bottom of the jar before catching and depositing it on your plate."


"Then, unless you are of such extravagant turn of mind that you disregard the price list propped up in a neat frame in the middle of the table, there are other most complicated calculations to be made. If a potato scone and butter cost a penny and a sweet milk's scone cost two pence, and a bun also costs a penny, shall I eat a sweet milk scone, which I like, or a potato scone and a bun, which I do not care for, but which will appease my ravenous appetite better than the sweet milky scone? It is a dreadful problem, but no more so than to decide whether to take a small cup of tea for two pence, on the chance of not wanting another, or to take the large cup  for three pence in the beginning, and in the end save a penny."                   

Oh yes, they drink tea in Edinburgh too!

"On the whole, the better way is to say 'never mind expenses,' and eat regardless, and then, when having consumed so many scones and cakes, that the suggestion of 'another bun' is horrifying, you begin a laborious calculation of what you have really eaten, and experience and unexpected thrill at discovering you have devoured the enormous sum of eight pence, half penny."

"Oh yes, they drink tea in Edinburgh too, but then Edinburgh is so beautiful that you do not need anything like tea to brighten you up. Edinburgh is conceded by globe trotters to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and the view from Calton Hill is always a favorite with the tourist." – San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spain's Royal Etiquette Past

                                         

Maria Christina Henriette Desideria Felicitas Raineria of Austria, was Queen of Spain as the second wife of King Alfonso XII. She was regent during the minority of their son, Alfonso XIII, and the vacancy of the throne between her husband's death and her son's birth, from 1885 until 1902. 

Tobacco at the Court of Spain

The Queen Regent of Spain is simple in her manners and is slowly relaxing the rigid etiquette of the Spanish court. Formerly it was impossible to smoke before the Queen. At a recent court dinner, however, she ordered cigars to be produced. Everybody was astonished and no one seemed inclined to take the first step. The officer of state next the Queen held the silver basket containing the cigars, but did not know what to do with them." Finally the Queen took one, lighted it, and said : "Pass around the cigars, gentlemen." –From the Daily Alta California, November 1889

                                                     
Spain's young King with his mother, the Regent Queen ~ "one requires very little stimulating to "enthuse" over the ruler of Spain. Partly because he is the sort of youth that an ordinary citizen—were he, too, an ordinary citizen—would be very friendly with, and would speak about behind his back as a very decent fellow indeed, and partly because he is a monarch, isolated from the contact of common men, surrounded by what seemed insurmountable walls of etiquette and tradition, and apparently at the mercy of wire-pullers and courtiers, and yet has broken through the steel girdle and proved himself a wise ruler and a very human being."

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The New Spain — And Some Stories of 

King Alfonso in 1906 

        

An engagement card features Alfonso in uniform with his helmet and sword and his fiancé, Victoria Eugenie, wearing a fashionable, squared necked, evening dress. “People who know Spain from books will tell you with bated breath of the cast-iron etiquette that surrounds the royal personage of Spain, of dreadful dinners eaten in solemn silence, of bows to the left and curtsies to the right, of mace-bearers and cup-bearers and sword-bearers, of orders of precedence; such as that between the Infanta who was born at 7.25 and the Infanta who entered this wicked world at 7.29.”

There came to meet me at the North Station at Madrid a cheerful boy—a boy who had obviously come straight from a tennis court, who was dressed "slack" as only the English can dress "slack" and remain respectable. In the carriage that drove us through the uneven streets of Madrid he told me about a "rotter" of our acquaintance, used twelve different school-slang phrases in as many minutes.

That night he came to the Fornos to dinner, and I asked him why his friends called him by a Spanish name.

"Because I am Spanish," was the reply, and the answer staggered me.

"But you are unique?"

"Not a bit of it. Dozens of fellows in Madrid like myself have been educated in England."

And this boy, I discovered, was the son of a noble house that goes back to the year 1, and that he was by no means alone in his Anglicisation I soon discovered.

The royal marriage and the enthusiasm it has aroused through Spain are only symptomatic of the extraordinary respect in which Great Britain is held throughout Spain. The word "Inglesi" has a meaning outside the narrow limits of appellation, and the young Spain that is growing up with the boy-King has possibilities which the boldest may speculate upon and fall short of the mark.

A LITTLE MAD

Remember that old Spain does not quite understand Alfonso. It loves him; he is the darling of the people, and your ultra-Republicans, exceedingly voluble on all pertaining to kingship, have a pleasant word for the slim youth with the everlasting smile.

But none the less old Spain does not quite take him in. To be perfectly frank, old Spain, watching in wonderment as the young man sweeps away the cobwebs that hamper his administration, confesses sadly that the King is a little mad. This same old Spain, be it noted, has for generations regarded the "Inglesi" as a nation of amiable lunatics, and for very much the same reason as England has deserved the stigma, King Alfonso bears it.

People who know Spain from books will tell you with bated breath of the cast-iron etiquette that surrounds the royal personage of Spain, of dreadful dinners eaten in solemn silence, of bows to the left and curtsies to the right, of mace-bearers and cup-bearers and sword-bearers, of orders of precedence; such as that between the Infanta who was born at 7.25 and the Infanta who entered this wicked world at 7.29.

There have been customs handed down from the days of the gloomy builder of the Escurial. They have been handed down from king to king—even Joseph Bonaparte "carried on"—and they were handed over, heirlooms of procedure, to the patient little boy whose unceasing education earned for him the sympathy of all the little boys in the world.

Where are those customs now?

If we are to believe the aged masters of ceremonies, who—so it is said—go moaning about the Corridors of the Palacio Real, weeping for glories gone, they have vanished. Pruned here and omitted there, remodelled, improved, renovated, the irreverent youth (he has just streaked past my window in a motor-car) has, in the language of the soap advertiser, "made home comfortable."

THE IRON HAND BENEATH

And his influence is felt throughout Spain. Not because he has led the Spanish gentry to wearing English clothes, English collars, and English cravats (I saw a "smoking jacket" ticketed in the window of a cheap tailor to-day), nor because he has infused into a languid people something of that restless energy which is peculiarly his, but because you see his hand in the great acts of administration.

There was a Minister in Spain who had a friend. The friend's past was not exactly blameless: there was a sort, of "war stores scandal" in the background, but the Minister was anxious to put his friend into the Cabinet. And the Minister, who was sufficiently powerful to he blind to his own weakness had not the slightest doubt that his nomination would be accepted. It is unfortunately true that corruption in the public service has been by no means rare in Spain, and is not regarded in a very serious light, and the Minister was perhaps justified in his belief that the unfortunate affair bad been conveniently forgotten.

But the King's memory, like the King's digestion, is remarkably good, and without a word he struck his pen through his name. The Minister was thunderstruck.

"I shall place my resignation in your Majesty's hands," he said stiffly; but the awful threat did not alarm the young man.

"That is my wish," he said gravely.

Again. The present marriage is by no means regarded with approval in Germany. You are aware that there are great German Princes whose "military duties" will prevent their attending the ceremony.

It is an unfortunate fact that one cannot show preference without offending the unpreferred. The attachment of the King has drawn him closer to Great Britain; but King Alfonso is a shrewd youth, and he has certainly no desire to antagonise a powerful State like Germany. The spirit of "manana," which is at once the joy and curse of Spain, extends to every class of Spaniard—even to the Spaniard ambassadorial—and there are to be celebrations this year in Germany at which the crowned heads of Europe are to be represented. Somehow the Spanish Ambassador at Berlin failed to notify the King of these celebrations, with the result that there was no time for the fitting representation of Spain. Alfonso's hand fell on the Ambassador. A prompt Gazette announced his recall and the reason.

ALL THE TO-MORROWS SHALL BE AS TO-DAY

This is how Alfonso XIII. is creating a new Spain. By substituting promptitude for procrastination; by replacing "manana" by "to-day"; by refusing to recognise the plea of custom; and lastly, and most important of all, by doing himself the things that he asks his people to do.

The story that best illustrates the sane, practical spirit that underlies most of his acts is the story of the reservoir disaster. In the course of constructing a reservoir near Madrid, part of the works collapsed, and hundreds of workmen were buried beneath tons of earth. The boy King was at the royal palace when the news was telephoned through, and he ordered his car and drove through to the scene of the catastrophe. Crowds had gathered in the vicinity, and the King was recognised as he drove up. Accident or royal procession, all's one to the Spaniard, so long as it be in the nature of sight- seeing, and "Viva el Rey!" was roared by a thousand throats. It was an indignant young monarch who stood up in his car and harangued the crowd. "If you were helping to dig these poor fellows out, instead of shouting, 'Viva,' you would be doing a far better thing." he said—and the crowd took the hint.

It is customary at such a time as this for the writer to say the nicest things he can remember about his royal subject. Kings, with two notable exceptions, are very uninteresting people, who do a great deal of work and listen patiently to a great number of national anthems. But one requires very little stimulating to "enthuse" over the ruler of Spain. Partly because he is the sort of youth that an ordinary citizen—were he, too, an ordinary citizen—would be very friendly with, and would speak about behind his back as a very decent fellow indeed, and partly because he is a monarch, isolated from the contact of common men, surrounded by what seemed insurmountable walls of etiquette and tradition, and apparently at the mercy of wire-pullers and courtiers, and yet has broken through the steel girdle and proved himself a wise ruler and a very human being.
–Reproduced from The Star (New Zealand), August 11, 1906

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Toilette Etiquette

Patent for a Ladies’ Toilet Cabinet, November 1869 

The Toilette of Yesterday 

Madame Rowley’s “Toilet Mask,” or “Face Glove” 

Propriety requires that we should always be clothed in a cleanly and becoming manner, even in private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence of no one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping with our sex, fortune, profession, age, and form, as well as with the season, the different hours of the day and our different occupations. Let us now descend to the particulars of these general rules. 

What the fashionable men are wearing throughout the day. 

The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of cotton, or silk and cotton, a morning gown, or a vest with sleeves; for a lady, a small muslin cap, (bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It is well that a half corset should precede the full corset, which last is used only when one is dressed; for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced at all. 

Madame C.J. (Sarah) Walker, founded her own business and began selling her own product called “Madam Walker's Wonderful Hair Grower,” a scalp conditioning and healing formula, after suffering from a scalp ailment that caused her to lose some of her hair and experimenting with homemade remedies of another. To promote her products, she embarked on an exhausting sales drive throughout the South and Southeast selling her products door to door, giving demonstrations, and working on sales and marketing strategies. In 1908, she opened a college in Pittsburgh to train her “hair culturists.” Madame Walker became the first known African-American woman to become a self-made millionaire, catering to the toilette needs of African-American women. 

The hair papers, which cannot be removed on rising (because the hair would not keep in curl till evening,) should be concealed under a bandeau of lace or of the hair. They should be removed as soon as may be. In this dress, we can receive only intimate friends or persons, who call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we ought to offer some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon as possible, is to expose one's self to embarrassments often very painful, and to the appearance of a want of education. 

Laurence Olivier in morning dressing gown, “The Prince and the Showgirl” — “In this dress, we can receive only intimate friends or persons, who call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we ought to offer some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon as possible, is to expose one's self to embarrassments often very painful...” 

Moreover, it is well to impose upon yourself a rule to be dressed at some particular hour (the earliest possible,) since occupations will present themselves to hinder your being ready for the day; and you will easily acquire the habit of this. Such disorder of the toilet can be excused when it occurs rarely, or for a short time, as in such cases it seems evidently owing to a temporary embarrassment; but if it occur daily, or constantly; if it seems the result of negligence and slovenliness, it is unpardonable, particularly in ladies, whose dress seems less designed for clothing than ornament. To suppose that great heat of weather will authorize this disorder of the toilet, and will permit us to go in slippers, or with our legs and arms bare, or to take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of persons of a low class, or destitute of education. Even the weather of dog-days would not excuse this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we must give directions that we are not at home. On the other hand, to think that cold and rainy weather excuses like liberties, is equally an error. You ought not to be in the habit of wearing large socks (this is addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and similar materials; much less noisy shoes, such as wooden ones, galoshes lined with fur, shoes with wooden soles, socks, etc... this custom is in the worst taste. 

Visiting Toilettes 1897 — “... a lady of good breeding should not go out in a morning dress, neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of fine cloth and trimmed with ribbons; nor should a well-bred man show himself in the street in a waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, etc...”

When you go to see any one, you cannot dispense with taking off your socks or clogs before you are introduced into the room. For to make a noise in walking is entirely at variance with good manners. However pressed one may be, a lady of good breeding should not go out in a morning dress, neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of fine cloth and trimmed with ribbons; nor should a well-bred man show himself in the street in a waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, etc... We said before that the dress should be adapted to the different hours of the day. Ladies should make morning calls in an elegant and simple négligé, all the details of which we cannot give, on account of their multiplicity and the numerous modification of fashion. We shall only say that ladies generally should make these calls in the dress which they wear at home. 

I would never be caught dead out of the house in this attire— “Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business.” 

Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business. In short, this dress is proper for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. With regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with more care. Ceremonious visits, evening visits, and especially balls, require more attention to the dress of gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. There are for the latter, head-dresses particularly designed for such occasions, and for no other, such as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, brilliant berets and toques, appropriate to the drawing-room. 

The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an elegant but plain waistcoat; a beautiful watch, to which is attached a single costly key, thin and well polished shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior quality -- this is a dress at once recherché and rigorously exact, for gentlemen of good taste and tone. One's profession requires very little modification of this costume; we should observe, however, that men of science (savans) and literary men and those in the profession of the law, should avoid having a fashionable or military costume, which is generally adopted by students, commercial men, and exquisites, for the sake of tone or for want of something to do. Situation in the world determines among ladies, those differences, which though otherwise well marked, are becoming less so every day. 

Everyone knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché appearance and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves of the pleasure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of the man of their choice. 

All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege which marriage confers upon them in this respect, and the toilet of those whose fortune is moderate should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity. Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good domestic order, the dignity of a wife, and the duties of a mother, come in support of this law of propriety, for it concerns morality in all its branches. We must beware of a shoal in this case; frequently a young lady of small fortune, desiring to appear decently in any splendid assembly, makes sacrifices in order to embellish her modest attire. But these sacrifices are necessarily inadequate; a new and brilliant article of dress is placed by the side of a mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, whatever be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that no riches are able to satisfy its demands; but fortunately propriety, always in accordance with reason, encourages by this maxim social and sensible women. Neither too high, nor too low; it is equally ridiculous either to pretend to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire in an assembly. The rules suitable to age resemble those which mediocrity of fortune imposes; for instance, old ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, recherché designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, as feathers, flowers, and jewels. 

From “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes” by Elisabeth Celnart 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian and Edwardian Etiquette for Romance, Chaperons and Engagements

Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid.

Manners and Modes: A young girl has the temerity to bring a chaperone to a dance — From “Punch” or the “London Charivari” Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 ~ Chaperons were seen less often in society after World War I

Duties of the Chaperon

The need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers. Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

Romance blooms ~ At the Fancy Dress Ball of 1893 ~ It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family...

 
It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna young woman carefully guarded in her home. It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
 
In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in society, to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance.
 
The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.
 
The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends. Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to any place of public amusement.
 

No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. 

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. (Though I imagine some parents never gave permission)

The Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a crisis, who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her.  It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,through loss of relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business calling or profession and that they are not, in general, treated with less respect than the "The Proposal."

In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.  One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to do.  No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already engaged, she should tell him so. If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
 
The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal representatives, to be acted on as they think best. The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each other's character.
 
In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself. So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his advances. The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of high ideals.
 
When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and, because it is essential for those who are to marry to become thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people, for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.

She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society.

The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband, and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty, or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
 
As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other. Their hostess will send them out to dinner together, which is in marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote himself to one.
 
The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent roughnesses smooth. An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event which they may both grace with their presence. The common human interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will try and be as little conspicuous as may be. 

Announcement of Engagement

The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the local paper or papers:
 

“Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after Easter.”

Or it may read: “Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley” etc... 

If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be "At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of the young man to meet his fiancée. The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and tea should be served.
 
If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people not to be seen very much together until its final stages. Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
 
The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The other members of the young man's family should call upon the young woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good wishes. According to the position of the family, should the elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé, for them to invite her to come and visit them. The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be very promptly returned or answered. If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the young man for a visit.

Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend.  These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
 
Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower" duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.
 
The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."
 
There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a "shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places.

It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity.

The Broken Engagement

When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief, courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him. It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the return of hers also.
 
In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken. The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to friends.  In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
 
It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation, even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement, as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
 
However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost certain outcome of which is the divorce court. A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make the acceptance of costly gifts wise.

When costliness rather than beauty, is the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.


 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia