Etiquette and Well-Bred Edwardians

Out of the 3 Crawley sisters of Downton Abbey, no other but Mary carried themselves with such confidence as she. The rare air of privilege and  feeling of entitlement, simply oozed effortlessly out of every fiber of her being.

A Well Bred Air

It is not merely the etiquette but the tone of good society which should be cultivated by those who are making their way in the world. Ill bred habits of speech, attitudes and tricks of expression will stamp a person, no matter how ceremoniously correct his or her entertainment, how excellent his wine or how irreproachable her costume. – Good Form, Riverside Enterprise, 1911

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners and Good Breeding

Pictured from 1912, a young Georgia Lacey. In 5 years, she would, her parents hoped, be a well-mannered, well-bred, young lady… full of hopes and dreams for her future.

Best of Manners Are Indispensable in One Who Wishes to Appear Well-Bred

If the need of good manners evident in mankind, how still more evident is it of womankind. Granted that truthfulness, gracefulness, considerateness, unselfishness are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman, how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true lady! That her tact should be even readier, her sympathies even more tender, her instincts even finer than those of the man, seems only fit and natural. 

In her, all the minor observances of etiquette are absolutely indispensable. She must be even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech, look and manner, which are the especial and indispensable credentials of good breeding. Every little drawing room ceremonial, all the laws of precedence, the whole etiquette of hospitality must be familiar to her. And even in these points, artificial though they be, her best guide, after all, is that kindness of heart which gives honor where honor is due, and which is ever anxious to spare the feelings and prejudices of others.

Every mistress of a house, be it remembered, is a minor sovereign upon whose bounty the little court depends. She must take especial care that her servants are capable, well trained and reliable, and that her domestic arrangements are carried on as noiselessly and easily as if by machinery. In a well ordered household, the machinery is always in order, and always works out of sight. No well bred woman talks of her servants, of her dinner arrangements, or of the affairs of her nursery. One feels these matters to be under her surveillance, and that fact alone is guarantee of their good management. 

The amusements and comforts of her guests are provided for without discussion or comment; and whatever goes wrong is studiously withheld from the conversation of the drawing room. And let no lady, however, young, however beautiful, however gifted, for one moment imagine that the management of her house can be neglected with impunity. If she is rich enough to provide an efficient housekeeper, well and good; but even so, the final responsibility still rests upon her, and her alone. No tastes, no pleasures, must stand in the way of this important duty, and if even that duty should at first seem irksome the fulfillment of it is sure to bring its own reward. – The Morning Union, 1917

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Critical Eyes Judge Manners

Kit isn't getting to first base socially. How could she with those atrocious table manners? Notice the stranglehold she has on her knife and fork.

Don't Blunder Unconsciously

Pretty as a picture! Full of pep! Yet Kit isn't getting to first base socially. How could she with those atrocious table manners? Notice the stranglehold she has on her knife and fork.

When she's reduced her steak to bits, she spears a piece, packs peas and potatoes on the back of her fork, starts the whole top-heavy load on a perilous journey to her mouth. And her elbows, raised like wings, strike terror to the ribs of fellow diners.

Acceptable table manners are inconspicuous ones. Well-bred people hold knife and fork lightly, the forefinger extending downward along he handles.

They cut one small piece of meat at a time, never pile several vegetables on the fork at once, keep elbows as nearly as possible at sides while eating. – Santa Ana Journal, 1937

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How to Acquire Manners

Though Lincoln was brought up in the simplest, rudest of homes, he possessed that innate courtesy and considerateness upon which all good manners are based. Though he may not have had good table manners when he first went out in the world, he did have that characteristic that is the basis of all good table manners —a desire not to offend those with whom he was brought in social contact. 

“Men are polished, through act and speech, each by each, 

As pebbles are smoothed on the rolling beach.” —Trowbridge

To attempt to appear well-bred when one has been brought up without breeding would be sheer affectation. Such is the opinion of some persons who regard good manners as the exclusive property of those who belong to families where social amenities are well established. And some persons go so far as to say that the person who has not been taught good manners in childhood never can appear well-bred, since good breeding is just what the word implies— good birth and good bringing up. This argument is refuted best by the many examples of men in public life in America, who have come from rude homes and have acquired almost faultless manners. 

To accuse Abraham Lincoln either of affectation or lack of loyalty for his simple childhood home would be absurd. To imagine that there was time or opportunity for “foolish manners” in that little backwoods cabin would also be a stretch of the imagination. And yet the mature Lincoln’s manners and good breeding were almost flawless; for no man could do the courteous thing more graciously than he, no man could put those with whom he associated more at ease in even the slightest transaction than he, and few men have ever been able by a word or gesture so thoroughly to bridge over a trying situation as did Lincoln. This is how it came about. 

Though Lincoln was brought up in the simplest, rudest of homes, he possessed that innate courtesy and considerateness upon which all good manners are based. Though he may not have had good table manners when he first went out in the world, he did have that characteristic that is the basis of all good table manners —a desire not to offend those with whom he was brought in social contact. 

The boorish self-made man feels that it is a matter of affectation to eat in any other manner than that to which he was accustomed in childhood. The man like Lincoln quickly notes the ways of the world and, lest the crude manners of the cabin might offend, he adopts the new. The young Lincoln might not have known the correct etiquette for introducing a man to a woman of his acquaintance, but he possessed that innate courtesy toward women that is the basis of all good manners between men and women. Because he had this, he learned quickly the world’s way of showing courtesy to women. 

Good manners are not only earmarks of good family and good rearing. We do not follow the laws of etiquette merely because we want others to think that we have been brought up with a certain amount of leisure and care that our parents have enjoyed prosperity and cultivation and that our ancestors were early colonists of the land. If that were the reason, we sought to be well bred, then it might be affectation. But etiquette is the system of conduct that has been built up, bit by bit, as the best means of carrying on social intercourse. 

The man who has been brought up among ill-mannered folk does not, on mingling with better bred persons, give up eating with his knife because he wants to delude them into thinking that he is an aristocrat, but because eating with the fork is most convenient and appropriate and if he did not do it, he would offend others and attract attention to his own peculiarities. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wine Etiquette for the Well-Bred

We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy…

No gentleman will ever criticize a wine offered to him, no matter how poor it may be. We give an instance of undaunted etiquette, which proves to what an extent a well-bred man may carry his courtesy: 

“In England during the French Revolution, the Duke of Bedford invited the emigrant Duc de Grammont to a splendid dinner, one of those magnificent entertainments which Englishmen pride themselves on giving to crowned heads, and their good feeling prompts them to offer to exiles. During dessert, a bottle of Constantia was produced, which for age and flavor was supposed to be matchless. It was liquid gold in a crystal flagon– a ray of the sun descending into a goblet; it was nectar which was worthy of Jove, and in which Bacchus would have revelled. 

The noble head of the house of Russell himself helped his guest to a glass of this choice wine, and de Grammont, on tasting it, declared it to be excellent. The Duke of Bedford, anxious to judge of its quality, poured out a glass, which no sooner approached his lips than, with a horrible contortion, he exclaimed: ‘Why, what on earth is this?’ The butler approached, took the bottle and applied it to his nostrils, and, to the dismay of his master, pronounced it to be castor-oil. The Duc de Grammont had swallowed this horrid draught without wincing.” – From “Frost’s Laws and By-Laws of American Society,” by S. Annie Frost, 1869

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Form in Public 1923

Well-bred folk the world over are unostentatious in public. It is a notable fact that in almost all countries of the world, navy blue, gray not too pale in tone, and black, are preferred colors for streetwear. The sole exception to this rule is the hot countries, where on account of the climate, white is worn.

• In street, ferry, restaurant or theater, a well-bred person will conduct himself so as to draw no attention to himself. Loud voices, noticeable gesticulation, conversation in which absent friends are called by name in tones easily overheard by bystanders, all these are marks of those who “don't belong.”
• In a crowd, never hail a friend by calling his name, if he is some distance away, for it is not necessary that you should thus inform those who block the way, of your friend's identity. Either you must contrive to pass and join him, or else catch his eye and bow.
• Jostling and elbowing away through a throng of people is not to be thought of, except by those who do not care how undignified they appear in the eyes of others.
• In public — as elsewhere —ladies and gentlemen are guided by the principle of consideration for others, and respect for the rights of others.
• In any line of people waiting for tickets and the like, each person should wait his turn. A woman has no right to place herself ahead of earlier comers —just because she is a woman.
• Kissing, embracing, and excitable greetings, on the part of two women who spy each other in a public place, is out of place. Neither, in conversation, is it well-bred to clasp the hand of the person to whom you talk. Women should not powder publicly — although this rule of etiquette is so often broken, one wonders who keeps it.
• Nudging, to attract the attention of the person addressed, is unspeakable.
• Well-bred folk the world over are unostentatious in public. It is a notable fact that in almost all countries of the world, navy blue, gray not too pale in tone, and black, are preferred colors for streetwear. The sole exception to this rule is the hot countries, where on account of the climate, white is worn. —Virginia Sidney Hale, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Basic Edwardian Social Graces

At the “home dinner,” the napkin, if not too soiled, should be placed in the ring to be used again at breakfast or luncheon. —  A Webster Company silver catalog page of all the napkin rings they offer.

1. A gentleman always rises from his chair when a lady enters or leaves the room. 
2. On a man's visiting card, only titles that indicate a rank or profession for life, should be used. 
3. At a ball, one may not refuse a certain dance to one gentleman and then dance it with another. 
4. A letter to a married woman is directed with her husband’s name or initials and her own as, Mrs. Thomas R. Gibbs or Mrs. T. R. Gibbs. 
5. To be polite to one we dislike is not necessarily being insincere. Politeness is not so much a manifestation toward others, as an indication of what we are ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to be well bred. 
6. On formal occasions, no napkin rings appear on the table and the napkin is used but the once. 
7. At the “home dinner,” the napkin, if not too soiled, should be placed in the ring to be used again at breakfast or luncheon. — Auburn Journal, 1904

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More on Manners vs Manner

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Be Natural — Due Regard for the Rights of Others, Harks True Politeness

Manner and manners are not precisely synonymous. One may possess ceremonious manners and in conjunction with these have a manner which antagonizes the very people whom the elaborate manners are intended to please. A boorish person may, by dint of careful imitation, acquire a veneer of courtesy, good so far as it goes, but when all is said only veneer, not the solid, polish-bearing wood. A person ignorant of social usages and unskilled in the conventionalities of the period maybe distinguished by a manner essentially charming. Manner is what we are, so to speak, in the grain. It is individuality. It is the outshining of the soul.

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Occasionally one meets a gently bred elderly person who has not adopted certain forms and modes which are at present in vogue, and who innocently fails to meet the requirements of good form— a thing to be regretted, because the greater should everywhere include the less, and a well-bred manner, should presuppose perfect manners. At all times the requirements of politeness are founded upon good sense, upon kindness of heart, upon due regard for the rights of others. The rude, the brusque, the abrupt, trample on the sensibilities of their friends, as well as invade propriety, sometimes defending themselves as natural, and declaring that they abhor affectation and adore sincerity. They appear not to recognize the fallacy in this. 

A natural manner should, of all manners in the world, be sincere. Sincerity does not imply brutality. Affectation is less heinous and offensive than cruelty, and cruelty exists wherever one person needlessly wounds another. Gentle manners do much to oil the machinery of life at home and in the community. It costs little effort to say, “I thank you” and “If you please,” to acknowledge every kindness as a favor worth appreciation ; but, were it otherwise, effort in this direction would be well repaid. Especially in our intercourse with children or with the aged, with those who are in any way at a disadvantage as compared with ourselves, should we be careful to exercise a cordial politeness. If this be the manner of our outlook in the world, it will influence our manners to all whom we meet. — Harper's Bazar, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Well Bred Table Etiquette of 1901

Do not leave your spoon in your tea cup. Do not sip your tea or coffee with a spoon. Do not drain the cup.

Table Etiquette: 

How to Eat According to the Rules of Good Breeding

• Do not leave your spoon in your tea cup. 
• Crack the top off your egg instead of peeling it. 
• If you have bacon or fish, have a separate plate for your bread or toast and butter, but not when only having boiled eggs, which require very careful eating, by the by, as nothing looks so nasty as yolk of egg spilled all over the plate and egg cup. 
• Do not sip your tea or coffee with a spoon. Do not drain the cup. 
• For fish do not use a dessert knife instead of the fish knife. If there be no fish knife, use a small crust of your bread, but leave that piece of crust on your plate. Do not eat it afterward, as so many people do. 
• Do not be dainty and fringe your plate with bits of meat. Eat what you can and put any skin or bone on the edge of your plate in one little heap, which moves down from the edge when you have finished. 
• Do not crumple up your table napkin. If you are only a guest for the day, do not fold it up, but if you are staying on and in a quiet household, fold it up. If you are staying in a big house where everything is done “en grand prince,” do not fold it up. Just place it on the table when you leave, as in rich establishments, there are clean table napkins every day. 
• After eating it is well before you drink to wipe your lips, otherwise you leave a smeary mark on the glass. 
• Do not gulp liquids and bolt food. 
• Do not masticate or swallow audibly. 
• Do not pile your plate with food or grasp your knife, fork or spoon as if it were a weapon of warfare. 
• Do not crumble the bread by your side or drain your glass to the last drop. 
• On the other hand, do not be affected and eat as if an appetite were a crime, drink as if you were a dicky bird, and hold your knife, fork and spoon as if they were red-hot needles. – Hanford Journal, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Right Table Etiquette

“All sorts of small relishes, like radishes, olives, salted nuts and bon-bons, are eaten from the fingers, but this must be done very daintily.” 

Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time 

is the Giveaway

“A man by nothing is so well betrayed as by his manners.”— Spenser 

THERE are many persons who feel that a man’s table manners are an index to his general good breeding. If he handles his knife and fork in the way that is accepted as “correct” they will put him down as well bred until they have very conclusive evidence that he is not; but if he shows ignorance of, or indifference to, this accepted method then it will take much to make them believe that he has any claim to good breeding. This may be unfair, but it is true. 

Here are some of the things that convention requires us to remember in our manners at the table: 

• The salad is cut with the side of the fork and then eaten from the side of the fork. 
• Fish, soft entrees and, in fact, anything that does not absolutely demand the use of a knife, are separated into small pieces by the use of the fork, which is most excellent, as the knife at its best is a most ungainly utensil. 
• That you should never mash your food with your fork and never sit with your fork or knife upraised, like a telegraph pole. 
• That when not in use, either knife or fork must be laid on the plate at one side. 
• Never tilt your fork and knife on the sides of your plate, that is, with the handle on the tablecloth on either side and the tips on the edge of the plate. 
• That every time a course is removed you should lay the knife, fork or spoon used in eating it on the side of the plate. 
• Do not cross knife and fork on the plate, but lay them side by side. 
• In eating soup, custard, fruit, or any dish which demands a spoon, be sure you sip the food noiselessly from the side of the spoon, never from the tip. 
• Never dip your individual fork or spoon into a dish that is passed to you, but always employ the fork or spoon which will be found on the tray beside the dish, or on the dish itself. 
• All sorts of small relishes, like radishes, olives, salted nuts and bon-bons, are eaten from the fingers, but this must be done very daintily. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

One’s Manner vs Manners

“A man who thrusts his knife into his mouth or sticks a piece of bread on the point of a fork into the platter of roast meat or chicken, may have every virtue in the calendar, yet the fly in the pot of ointment spoils the sweetness of the whole. He offends the accepted canons of good society.” 

From the Society and Gossip Section

A Piece from Margaret Sangster

“The word ‘politeness’ carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance find of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one’s fellows,” says Margaret Sangster in “Good Manners for All Occasions,” published in the Christian Herald. “It springs from the Latin polio (smooth), and smoothness is gained not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reciprocity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions that there may be peace and agreeable living together.

“A rough diamond is valuable, of course, but its value is greatly increased when the tool of a cunning workman has brought out its beautiful possibilities, shown the immortal fire under the shining surface and made every point a star. A man who thrusts his knife into his mouth or sticks a piece of bread on the point of a fork into the platter of roast meat or chicken, may have every virtue in the calendar, yet the fly in the pot of ointment spoils the sweetness of the whole. He offends the accepted canons of good society.

“A subtle distinction exists between manner and manners. The first is often inherited; it is made up of innumerable little peculiarities that belong to the race and family. In a well known romance the hero is a man well born and of aristocratic traditions, but illiterate and unversed in the ways that had been the natural expression of character in his family for generations. He is a day laborer on the soil that was once his and that has been wrested from him by fraud. Yet though his manners are sometimes flawed by ill temper and discontent, his manner is noble. It is the grand manner of his father. 

“Manner shows what spirit we are of. It is the temper of the steel. Manners have to do with our dally conduct. A man or woman who is familiar with etiquette to the least detail, may have an awkward, defiant or self-conscious manner that will be a fearful handicap in business success and detract from the enjoyment one may look for in hours of leisure.” — Los Angeles Herald, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Cocktails and Being Well Bred

The guests consumed a great deal more liquor than the hostess expected. After the last guest left, she found three cigarette holes in the carpeting and one bad burn the length of a cigar on the fireplace mantel. – On a side note, the gloved woman to the far right should not be gloved while drinking. That is simply “tacky.” – photo source Pinterest

Agony Aunt, Ann Landers, Gives Her Thoughts on Being “Well Bred” vs Being Polite

Dear Ann: I know your column does not deal with problems of etiquette, but this falls in the category of human relations. Please suggest what I should do. We gave a party last evening for fifty friends. It was a cocktail affair with an informal buffet. Everyone seemed to be having a fine time, although I must say they consumed a great deal more liquor than we expected. After the last guest left, I found three cigarette holes in the carpeting and one bad burn the length of a cigar on the fireplace mantel.  

Only one man could have burned the mantel and I know very well who he is. I have a hunch about the holes in the rug, too. Shall I phone these people and suggest they do something about “making, this right”? Bear in mind, our friends are all people of means who have had good upbringings. In fact, they are considered very well bred. –Upset Hostess

Ann’s Answer: Don’t call your friends and suggest that they pay for damages done during a party. This is just further proof that even the “well-bred” have a tendency to get crumby when they drink too much. When you invite guests to your home, you naturally assume they will not devalue the property. When “well-bred’’ people do damage, they offer to pay for it. Why don’t you review your guest list for next time. – Ann Landers, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Who Enters First

 “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

IT is surprising how many people— well born and presumably well bred— are guilty of the most flagrant breaches of good manners time after time, and it is still more surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society”— as the phrase goes — certainly ought to know better. For example, there is, the question of who should precede when entering a restaurant, church or theatre, a girl or her escort. “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

Circumstance is the sole guide to the etiquette of the individual case. I have seen a girl advancing up a restaurant casting glances from one side to the other as she looked for a seat, her escort meanwhile sauntering at leisure behind her. On the other hand, I have seem ushers, both in the theatre and at church, gravely bowing the man into the seat while the girl whom he presumably escorted, followed humbly in the rear. The general rule, however, is as follows: If waiters or ushers are at hand, ready to show the way to a seat the woman must enter first. If, on the contrary, no one is to be seen to lead the way, then the man must enter first, walking slowly, not too far in advance of the woman he is escorting. But it must be obvious that the “hunting seats” is being done by him and not by her. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Retro Etiquette of the Sexes

 When a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. Begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.

Social Etiquette:

The Differing Courtesies That Marked Good Breeding in Man and in Woman, from 1891

 "Are girls as well bred as boys?" Yes— and no! says Marion Harland in answering this question in The Weekly. Their training lies along different lines. One thing must always be considered —namely, that a woman's part is in many points of etiquette, passive. It is the man who takes the initiative, and who is made such a prominent figure that all eyes are drawn to him. Have you ever noticed it? Man proposes, woman accepts. Man stands, woman remains seated. Man lifts his hat, woman merely bows. Man acts as escort, woman as the escorted. So when a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. For this reason, begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.


I often wish there were any one point in which a woman could show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the management of his hat—raising it entirely from the head on meeting a woman, lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an acquaintance, or, when his man companion greets a friend, baring his head on meeting, parting from or kissing mother, sister or wife. These, with other points, such as rising when a woman enters the room and remaining standing until she is seated, giving her the precedence in passing in or out of a door and picking up the handkerchief or glove she lets fall—are sure indices of the gentleman, or by their absence, mark the boor.

But our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts of tactful courtesy which are her duty, as well as her brother's. Her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing toleration toward her elders, aud while she is not actually disrespectful, she still has the air of a very superior young being, holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the accident of years. Another of our girl's mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness and pertness are wit. There is no other error more common with girls from fifteen to eighteen, and they generally choose a boy as the butt of their sarcastic remarks—and, to their shame, be it said, they frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind. — From "The Weekly" as reported in the Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Ambitious Parvenus

A fancy wig does not a gentleman make.

The Hallmark of the Social Climber

Nothing so blatantly proclaims a woman climber as the repetition of prominent names, the owners of which she must have struggled to know. Otherwise, why so eagerly boast of the achievement? Nobody cares whom she knows--nobody that is, but a climber like herself. To those who were born and who live, no matter how quietly, in the security of a perfectly good ledge above and away from the social ladder's rungs, the evidence of one frantically climbing and trying to vaunt her exalted position is merely ludicrous.

All thoroughbred women, and men, are considerate of others less fortunately placed, especially of those in their employ. One of the tests by which to distinguish between the woman of breeding and the woman merely of wealth, is to notice the way she speaks to dependents. Queen Victoria's duchesses, those great ladies of grand manner, were the very ones who, on entering the house of a close friend, said "How do you do, Hawkins?" to a butler; and to a sister duchess's maid, "Good morning, Jenkins." 

A Maryland lady, still living on the estate granted to her family three generations before the Revolution, is quite as polite to her friends' servants as to her friends themselves. When you see a woman in silks and sables and diamonds speak to a little errand girl or a footman or a scullery maid as though they were the dirt under her feet, you may be sure of one thing; she hasn't come a very long way from the ground herself. — Emily Post, 1922

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Etiquette and a True Lady

Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly.

Ladyhood with a Capital "L"

Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by culture;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: "Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. 

Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. 

Every sway, every legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains—a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and most characteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her being and bearing, patience, generosity, benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness."

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the well-bred. – From Our Deportment, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Rules of Conversation

 

What is now known as “phubbing” was addressed in 1899 —No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. 

Practical Etiquette and Conversation 

No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention. 

No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore. 

A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. 

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding. 

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many. 

In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?” 

The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.
In a tête-à-tête conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. 

One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan. 

One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him. 

Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says:

“The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.” In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.

There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice. 

If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him. 

One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others. —From Practical Etiquette, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Self Control

Control of the Impulses — "He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties."

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquility that the French admiringly call "sang froid." He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette – breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner. —Lillian Eichler

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Lady

Be a lady... Not necessarily this one above. Television's Lady Mary is lovely and self-assured, but she can be truly thoughtless and self absorbed. Especially while playing cat and mouse games with men. Besides, she's wearing gloves while she's drinking champagne. Demonstrating poor etiquette and a true faux pas!

Be a Lady

Good breeding is good sense.

Bashfulness is constitutional.

Awkwardness maybe ineradicable.

No art can restore the grape its bloom.

Bad manners in a woman are immorality.

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady.

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford.

Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found.

Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances.

Familiarity, without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling.

Who was Gail Hamilton?

Gail Hamilton, 1833-1896, was an essayist, journalist, and fiction writer. She was born Mary Abby Dodge in Hamilton, Massachusetts, and lived as a school teacher and governess in New England and Washington, D.C. 

In the late 1850s, she began publishing for the anti-slavery paper, the National Era, under the pen name, Gail Hamilton. She went on publish books on women’s rights, politics, religion, and children’s subjects. 

In 1867, she sued her publisher, Ticknor and Fields, for deliberately underpaying her in relation to the industry norm. Although she was unsuccessful, she "made a significant contribution to the history of the professional (women) writers, and she exposed the Gentleman Publisher’s market for what it really was: a relationship based on power, even when conducted as a friendship" –(Coultrap-McQuin).

                                       

From The Los Angeles Herald, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Girls Gone Wild

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable.

Wild Girls

by Gail Hamilton 

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford. Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found, No art can restore to the grape its bloom. 

Familiarity without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling. It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable. 

Bashfulness is constitutional. Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances. All can be condoned and not banish men or women from the amenities of their kind.

But self-possessed, unshrinking and aggressive coarseness of demeanor may be reckoned as a state's prison offense, and certainly merits that mild form of restraint called imprisonment for life. 

It is a shame for women to be lectured on their manners. It is a bitter shame that they need it. Do not be restrained. Do not have impulses that need restraint. Do not wish to dance with the Prince unsought; feel differently, be sure you confer honor. 

Carry yourself so loftily that men will look up to you for reward, not at you in rebuke. The natural sentiment of man toward woman is reverence. He loses a large means of grace when he is obliged to account her as a being to be trained in propriety. 

A man's ideal is not wounded when a woman fails in worldly wisdom; but if in grace, in tact, in sentiment, in delicacy, in kindness, she would be found wanting, he receives an inward hurt. –Los Angeles Herald, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia