Breach of Bridal Shower Etiquette

“… before becoming angry about it, please consider that this was ignorance on the part of the couple or the families.” — as the advertisement reads, “Sooner or Later, everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt,” Or a comparable book of etiquette!

DEAR ABBY: I have a wedding etiquette question. Twice within the last month, I've been invited to a bridal shower without receiving an invitation to the wedding.

I have witnessed a social blunder or two in my day, but this takes the cake. Are you with me on this, Abby? —DISGUSTED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Το invite someone to a bridal shower who will not be invited to the wedding is a breach of etiquette. However, before becoming angry about it, please consider that this was ignorance on the part of the couple or the families. — Hanford Sentinel, 2003

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Shoe Etiquette for Brides

Considering Color... If you are familiar with the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue,” why not make your shoes blue? Or any other color for that matter?

Planning the perfect wedding means tackling dozens of details, not the least of which is choosing the perfect shoes for your big day. While you want them to be beautiful, you’ll also want them to be comfortable, because nothing can tread on such a special day like painful, ill-fitting shoes can. 

Many modern brides will opt for a few pairs of shoes to change into throughout different parts of the big day. For example, a traditional pair of heels, while lovely for the ceremony, can be traded for a more relaxed pair of flats— or even comfortable boots! — for dancing at the reception. Here are my top tips for finding the perfect shoes for your wedding day:


1. Find Your Dress First

Before you start your shoe search, it’s important to find your perfect dress. Of course, you can keep an eye out for shoes, but when it comes down to the big day, you’ll want shoes that match your dress. You might surprise yourself by selecting a dress that’s short or has more embellishments than you were expecting and this will alter what type of shoe you should get. Brides who choose shorter dresses often opt for more elaborate heels because you can see the entirety of the shoe. You may also need higher heels if your dress is on the long side to keep it from dragging.

2. Consider Color

If you are familiar with the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue,” why not make your shoes blue? Or any other color for that matter? Colors that signify good luck or fertility from one’s culture or nationality, can also be good choices. Whether they are going to be hidden under your long dress or not, you can have some fun with a colorful pair of heels or flats that make you feel happy on your wedding day.

3. Avoid Stilettos

Consider your venue before selecting your shoe style, shape and heel height. An outdoor ceremony with cobblestones or grass will restrict your shoe options. Stilettos make a poor choice for many brides. They are not as stable as chunky heels and wedges, and they will sink into grass, so you should stay away from them and instead opt for a block heel or wedge shoe for an outdoor wedding. Are the acoustics in a venue going to amplify any noises your shoes are making as you walk down the aisle? Types of flooring and any areas in which you will be walking are both things to keep in mind, and then double check, at your rehearsal.

4. Try Shoes on Before Purchasing

Before you commit to your wedding shoes, make sure to try them on. Walk around in them a bit. You will likely be on your feet all day, so it is essential that they are comfortable from the start. Do the shoes rub anywhere? Do they pinch? You might want a larger size or width of shoe because no one wants blisters when they are walking down the aisle. To make your shoes more comfortable, you can try replacing the insole with an orthotic version, or padded version, that will be more supportive and less restrictive to your arches and heels.

5. Choose More Than One Pair

As many modern brides will switch out their footwear for the wedding reception, and a few will even change dresses! This is generally because they want to be more comfortable for the dancing portion of the evening, but could also be to make a second style statement. If you are holding a winter wedding, this might be the time to wear a stylish pair of comfortable boots with your second dress. Whatever shoes you ultimately choose, you are certain to look magical when your big day arrives.

 

Contributor Rae Steinbach is a graduate of Tufts University with a combined International Relations and Chinese degree. After spending time living and working abroad in China, she returned to NYC to pursue her career and continue curating quality content. Rae is passionate about travel, food, and writing (of course).

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

African Wedding Customs in Vogue

“Couples usually incorporate customs from various parts of the African continent, Onuorah said. The choice of what traditions to include is up to the couple and reflects their personal styles...”
— Photo source, Pinterest

Since the 1990’s, more African-Americans have been choosing traditional rituals and ethnic weddings, as an expression of their heritage.

African-American brides are abandoning something old, new, borrowed and blue for splashes of color, lavish detail, rich fabric and ornate embroidery.

Clothing is just part of a trend toward traditional African weddings among black couples who want to celebrate their racial pride and return to their heritage.

“We both studied black history in college and that was the deciding factor,” said Maisah Hill, a bride-to-be from Los Angeles. “We wanted to have a traditional African wedding to incorporate the things we learned about our heritage and our roots.”

“Although no one is keeping numbers, African weddings are definitely growing in popularity,” said Russell Adams, chairman of the African-American Studies Department at Howard University. “For some, it’s regarded as chic and fashionable. For others, it’s the culturally politically correct thing to do.”

Other ethnic groups in America have long reflected their heritage in their ceremonies. But there are several reasons why Western-style weddings remain the norm, said Dr. Erylene Piper-Mandy of the UC Riverside.

“There are numerous books out there— by Emily Post, Judith Martin and others— that will tell you about wedding etiquette; what you should do, what you should wear and who sits where,” said Piper-Mandy, who specializes in cultural anthropology and African-American studies.

“But for those couples who have traditional African weddings as an extension of what they believe, they will take the time to research and find alternative sources of information about their own customs.”

Piper-Mandy said African-Americans, unlike other ethnic groups, haven’t had as many traditional wedding ceremonies because few people were aware of the customs.

“The single most important reason why African-Americans have not followed their own traditional practice is because during slavery African-Americans were highly discouraged and even forbidden to practice African rituals,” she said.

The cost of a traditional African ceremony can be significantly less than a Western wedding. The primary savings is on the Victorian-style wedding gown, which can range from several hundred dollars to a few thousand dollars.

Instead of a white satin gown, flowing train and matching veil, an African-American bride might choose a four-piece gold brocade dress, draped around her body and accented with a flared head wrap. The gown can be bought or made for less than one would assume.

But as with any style of wedding, the costs can increase sharply depending on the number of guests and how elaborate the celebration. And an African wedding usually takes extensive--if not expensive--preparation.

Ancient customs varied, depending on tribal affiliation, religion and geography. Some customs were almost universal, however.

African ceremonies stressed that two families were being joined, not just two individuals. Other common customs: formally requesting permission from family elders and other relatives; pouring libations or paying respects to ancestors who have passed away; a bride price paid to her parents by the groom and lengthy celebrations and feasting after the ceremony.

Many rituals involved tasting honey and kola nuts to symbolize the sweet and bitter times; involving both families in the wedding processional, and using a drum and elaborately dressed dancers to mark the couple’s arrival or departure.

Planning a traditional African wedding is similar to a Western ceremony because the couple still may have attendants, receive gifts and even use a bridal registry service.

Most African-Americans can’t trace their family tree far enough to determine the specific tribe or ethnicity of their African forefathers, said Pat Onuorah, a Nigerian-born woman who sells authentic African attire.

Therefore, couples usually incorporate customs from various parts of the African continent, Onuorah said. The choice of what traditions to include is up to the couple and reflects their personal styles, she said.

“The important thing is not whether a particular practice comes from Nigeria or Senegal, from Zimbabwe or Egypt, but this it comes from Africa,” she said.

“That’s what shows that we recognize and appreciate our heritage.” — Published in the Los Angeles Times, 1992

Editor’s Note: The writer Lynnette Khalfani spent seven months planning her own traditional African wedding.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Bridal Shower Gift Etiquette

Elizabeth Meriwether Gilmer was an American “Agony Aunt” who wrote under the pen name, “Dorothy Dix.” A forerunner of today’s advice columnists, Dix was America’s highest paid and most widely read female journalist when she died in 1951. Her advice was syndicated in newspapers around the world, with an estimated audience of 60 million readers. Along with her column, she campaigned for woman suffrage.
— Public domain image

Dear Dorothy Dix:  

It seems the new trend at bridal showers is not to open the gifts. They are merely accepted and put aside. I think is is poor etiquette. Don’t you? 

 — Edith 

Dear Edith:  

I could imagine nothing more tense than an evening spent glaring at a pile of beautifully wrapped gifts which the guests are not permitted to see opened. I adore showers almost more than any other type party, but would certainly lose my enthusiasm after one of these. Personally, I’ve never heard of the fad, or trend, and certainly hope it passes very quickly. The whole object of a shower has always been the expressions of joy when the honored guest opened her gifts. This is the highlight of the party. Do your best to discourage the unopened-gifts trend. I’ll back you up. 

— Dorothy Dix, 1950

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Bridal Etiquette –‘Thank You’s

“The stemware is truly beautiful. Though we're tempted to hold it back for state occasions, we do use it nightly.”

Be Speedy In Saying Thanks

When it comes to thank you notes, there's a very simple rule of etiquette. It doesn't matter so much how you phrase your note: It's the speed with which you send it off that shows your good manners, as well as your gratitude. If writing the letters looms as a huge task, plan to do just a few at a time. 

Keep your list of gifts and your writing supplies out on the desk, or a bridge table, and use those odd times to do a few notes. Your thanks should be simple and sincere, never pretentious. Try to have the giver feel he can see his gift in your first home. You can use phrases like these: “The bud vases you sent us look lovely on our fireplace mantel.” “We christened the casserole you gave us last night, and the budget beef stew tasted delicious.” “The stemware is truly beautiful. Though we're tempted to hold it back for state occasions, we do use it nightly.” 

These notes may be written on informal notepaper, possibly with your monogram or name engraved on the top sheet. Or simple notepaper of good quality may be used. Keep away from too highly decorated notepaper. It's fine for casual writing, but not for bridal thank yous. – San Bernardino Sun, 1970

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

At-Home Wedding Etiquette

The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with.  MarthaStewartWeddings.com recommends making the renting of a tent a priority for outdoor receptions when getting married at home. “Unless the inside of your home can accommodate all of your guests—and every part of your wedding day—you're going to need a tent, says Jackson. Getting hitched in the summer? A tent with air conditioning and fans might also be a welcome addition.” – Photo source, Pinterest

At a home wedding the number of guests is limited. The bride wears a colored dress of light silk or a simple white one. The bridal party faces the clergyman and he faces the company. The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with. 

The decoration of the home is according to the tastes of the parties most interested. The wedding refreshments are partaken of in whatever way best conduces to the comfort and enjoyment of those present. A private wedding is one at which there are none present except the contracting parties, the minister and the witnesses. – San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Traditional Bridal Shower Etiquette

There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf. 

Types and Themes of Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called “showers,” and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.

Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a “shower,” duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A “shower” is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.

The “shower,” is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a “shower,” are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."

There is a wide range of possible kinds of  “showers,” but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a “shower,” but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places. – Edith Ordway, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Bridal and Pearl Etiquette

Gifting the Same – The bridesmaids’ gifts shoud be all the same. Among appropriate gifts: a bracelet of cultured pearls. If bracelets are the choice, a triple strand for the maid of honor and single strands for the bridesmaids are suggested by etiquette advisers.– UPI, 1958

The Pearl Tradition 

Bridal dresses today are so attractively designed, that they need very little in the way of jewelry to set them off. However, for many decades, simple strand of pearls, pendant or earrings, has been a natural accompaniment. One reason for this is the lovely legend that has grown up around pearls. Besides being the birthstone for June, the month in which most weddings occur, pearls symbolize modesty and purity.

Ancient legends from the Orient indicated that pearls fashioned binding ties and cemented love and friendship. Pearls were not only used on women’s garments, but also on ceremonial robes worn by priests, and embroidered on lavish tapestries hung on palace walls. According to etiquette, pearls, plus the marriage diamonds, are the only proper jewels on this great occasion. 

In past cultures, gifts of fine jewelry were first given to a young girl by her parents. Even today, a mother or father will present a beloved daughter with a fine strand of cultured pearls at the time she reaches her sixteenth birthday, graduates from school, or marries. Pearls are also traditional as the gift from the groom, although this is often in the form of a pin or earrings, since the bride, in many cases, already possesses her pearl strand.– The Herald-Journal, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast,Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia