Etiquette for Dia de Los Muertos

When my mother passed away on October 31st a few years ago, my daughter’s mother in-law graciously invited her to place a photo of her grandmother, along with a bowl of strawberries, on the ofrenda in her home. It was a wonderful gesture. My daughter chose one of her favorite photos of my mother. An old photo of my mother playfully spitting watermelon seeds out at my father who was taking the photograph. (Though this is a favorite photograph, Etiquipedia does not approve of such behavior in public… Unless, of course, one is in a playful spirit and the photograph will not be posted online for the world to see for another 70 years or more later. It is a great example of ‘what not to do’!)

To observe Day of the Dead etiquette, visitors should remain respectful of the sacred and festive nature of the holiday by not dressing in costumes or using face paint, being mindful of their behavior in cemeteries, and avoiding invasive photography. Instead, guests can show respect by bringing offerings like flowers, pan de muerto, or candles, walking slowly, and being quiet and observant. When interacting, start with a smile and a greeting, and if invited to join or sit, you may be welcomed to share in the experience. 

Before you go make sure to research the local customs. Traditions vary from region to region, so learn about the specific practices in the area you will be visiting, before you go. Understand the spirit of the holiday. The Day of the Dead is a celebration of life and memory of those no longer with us. It is not a morbid or scary holiday like Halloween. 

• What should one bring and wear? Bring offerings for the Ofrenda. Bring a small offering of flowers (like marigolds), candles, or a piece of pan de muerto (Day of the Dead bread) to leave on a grave or altar. 
• Do dress respectfully.Do not wear costumes or face paint, as this is not part of the tradition and is considered culturally inappropriate. Observing the local dress is helpful. Pay attention to how local people are dressed and try to emulate the attire of those who the hold respect of others. 
• During the celebration remember to act respectfully and quietly. Treat cemeteries and altars as sacred spaces. Do not be loud or act drunkenly. 
• Interact with others with care: Walk slowly and be respectful. A simple smile and a friendly “hello,” can be a good way to start if you are invited to participate. 
• Avoid bringing alcoholic beverages, such as mezcal, into cemeteries. 
• Be mindful of photos and do not point your camera or take photos directly in someone's face. Ask for permission before taking a picture of someone. You can take panoramic photographs without feeling the need to ask.

The meaning of each day during
DIA DE LOS MUERTOS
October 27 - November 2

October 27
Remember all pets who have passed.
This originated from believing
Xoloitzcuintili could
guide their owners to the afterlife. 

October 28
Remember those who passed suddenly or tragically. It is believed that one’s lighting of a white candle can help their spirit in the cross over.

October 29
Honor forgotten souls.
Light a candle, so they too are remembered.

October 30
Remember all our Ancestors
"Great" Family members
Let us never forget who we are and the size of our family tree.

November 1
Remember all Children
Let us remember all the sweet & innocent souls we have lost in life. 

November 2
Dia de Los Muertos — Remember
all those who have passed away.

Information was given from a variety of sources.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Condoms and STDs

Since the dawn of time, human relationships of a physical nature could be complex. Adding to that complexity throughout time, have been sexually transmitted diseases. Etiquette is necessary when it comes to this particular subject, as these issues must be discussed in order to keep oneself safe and healthy. 

A Touchy Subject from a 1990’s Survey of Four Etiquette Authorities

How do you ask a man to wear a condom?

Letitia Baldridge: You can say to him, “I’m very sorry, but if you don’t use a condom, there’s just no way we can be together.” You can then give him some, or tell him where the nearest drugstore is, or tell him, “Let’s have dinner another night,” and send him away.

Judith Martin: If you know the person well enough to make that necessary, you ought to be able to say anything. What amuses me is when people shift into prudery. If you are on intimate terms with somebody, surely you can ask them intimate questions.

Charlotte Ford: I’d be a little bit embarrassed and a little bit shy and say, “Listen, I hope you’ve taken some sort of protection because I don’t want to contract any diseases, and I’m sure you don’t either.”

Sydney Biddle Barrows: It is not seemly, nor necessary, to smile on the first date and say, “Love your dress. By the way, will you be giving me a fatal disease?” Instead, allow time to pass - that’s what these dates are for, after all. By the time sex seems a possibility, you will have necessarily both crossed that line beyond which these sensitive issues may be discussed.

If you’re giving a dinner party and invite someone who has AIDS, should you tell your other guests?

Letitia Baldridge: I don’t think you tell anybody that the person has AIDS. Because frankly the guests are not catching AIDS from that person. It really isn’t relevant.

Judith Martin: It depends on the activity of the dinner party. At most respectable dinner parties, there wouldn’t be any activity where you would catch AIDS, so I don’t see why should have to tell people. Would you tell your guests that one of them had cancer? But if you were giving an orgy, I think you should tell people.

Charlotte Ford: I don’t know that I would invite somebody to dinner knowing they have AIDS, simply because I think it would make everybody very uncomfortable. But I think it all depends on the situation. If you are going to do that, I think you have to be very careful how you do it and whom you invite.

Sydney Biddle Barrows: Yes. Most people will know that they cannot contract the disease by being seated at a dinner table with a carrier. But it is a courtesy to all to let them know ahead of time.

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Etiquette and Womanly Women

Loud talk and slang words are not for the ladylike girl, and although some people tolerate the loose manner some girls have, they do not admire it. Far more to be appreciated is the girl who openly avows that she likes nice clothes and is given over to many little feminine vanities, than the one who dresses so mannishly, and who imitates the walk of her brother, though she may be able to discuss the most abstruse subjects with an air of confident knowledge that her elders cannot even boast. – Four ladylike college girls in the early 1900’s.

The Womanly Woman

There is nothing more truly lovable than the woman who is genuinely womanly. There is a charm in her femininity that no acquired grace can lend. More especially in this age is the genuinely womanly woman admired, for girls seem to have a desire to be so manly, so loud, not only in mannerism, but in talk and dress, many choosing the sports of men in preference to the pastimes of women. The majority of men, I think, really prefer the quiet, lady-like girl with a soft, sweet voice, an affectionate disposition, and the girl who knows how to be a little lady, not only in her manners, but talk.

Loud talk and slang words are not for the ladylike girl, and although some people tolerate the loose manner some girls have, they do not admire it. Far more to be appreciated is the girl who openly avows that she likes nice clothes and is given over to many little feminine vanities, than the one who dresses so mannishly, and who imitates the walk of her brother, though she may be able to discuss the most abstruse subjects with an air of confident knowledge that her elders cannot even boast.

To be a ladylike woman does not mean that one need adopt fads and follies indiscriminately. The woman who can make her home bright and attractive, who can be the model hostess as well as wife and mother, who is well informed and able to talk intelligently, yet who is wise enough to realize that woman's privileges are preferable to woman’s right’s is the girl or woman we must all admire and the one fit to be taken to any honorable man's heart. - Mc Calls's Magazine, 1914

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1940’s Tea Table Service Etiquette

A delightful and inexpensive way to entertain is at afternoon teas. There is the large formal tea, at which the out-of-town friend may be introduced to your own circle or small informal tea, for “visiting” among friends and neighbors.

AT THE TEAS

“Be wisely frugal in thy preparation, and freely cheerful in thy entertainment.”— Quarles 

Being recognized as an ideal hostess is every woman's desire, and one can attain this by study and practice. Here are some suggestions to that end.

1. Appear calm and gracious when your guests arrive.

2. Be rested and fresh in personal appearance.

3. Be free to entertain your guest without having to excuse yourself frequently to prepare refreshments.

4. Be ready at all times for an unexpected guest at your table.

5. Serve delicious yet inexpensive food.

6. A delightful and inexpensive way to entertain is at afternoon teas. There is the large formal tea, at which the out-of-town friend may be introduced to your own circle or small informal tea, for “visiting” among friends and neighbors.

7. Spread a tea cloth or a lace cloth on a table.

8. Set a large tray with the tea service (tea kettle, pitcher and lemon dish, teapot, sugar bowl, tea cups, saucers, spoons, tea plates piled with napkins) near. On the other end beyond the tray, set a plate of hot biscuits, or toast, sandwiches, cookies or cake.

9. Pour tea, adding hot water for those who like it weak, and putting in sugar and cream or lemon, according to each one’s taste. After the guest receives the cup, she helps herself to sandwiches and cake. 

From Charlotte Hawkins Brown’s, “The Correct Thing to Do — to Say — to Wear,” 1940

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Too Lady-like to Attract Men?

Idealized images of the ultimate “lady-like women,” shopping for gloves in a 1906 Ivory soap advertisement.

TOO LADYLIKE?

We note that the new coffee club is to have “no smoking” rule; also that dominoes, crokinole, and like ladylike games are to be provided. We don't know much about coffee clubs and perhaps our advice is foolish; but we do know a great deal about the sort of men who hang around saloons, and if it is the purpose of the coffee club to attract these men it is our opinion that the less ladylike and Sunday-schooly its atmosphere, the better. 

These men will not go where they are not comfortable. Most of them like to smoke a pipe and those of them who do not would feel uncomfortable in a place where it is forbidden. They may not care much to play cards, but they would feel more comfortable if card-playing were permitted and some of them might be kept from gambling if there were a decent place available to play cards without gambling. 

Even a rule against swearing, if enforced very strictly, would make the place uncomfortable to men to whom an occasional “damn” is part of their daily vocabulary. If these are the men that are wanted, and if there is any serious purpose to compete with the saloons in providing a pleasant and comfortable meeting place, it would be a mistake to enforce Sunday school morals or church-parlor manners. If this is not the purpose, of course that is a different matter. A ladylike: coffee club doubtless has its uses. But it will not keep anybody away from the saloons.– Fresno Republican, 1906

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A Brief 1940’s Dining Q & A

Public domain image of American author, teacher and founder of the Palmer Memorial Institute in North Carolina, Charlotte Hawkins Brown, wrote the etiquette book, “The Correct Thing to Do — to Say — to Wear,” published in 1940.

Dining Etiquette Questions & Answers with Charlotte Hawkins Brown

1. Should the salad be eaten with the main course or afterwards?

     Answer: The salad may be eaten with the main course or afterwards, according to the plan of the hostess. She will show by her service or “lead” when it should be eaten.

2. How should pickles be eaten?

      Answer: Pickles should be eaten with the fork from the plate.

3. Should a paper napkin be used the same as a cloth napkin?

     Answer: No, not exactly. The napkin should be opened with great care being exercised to keep it on the lap throughout the meal. Sticking it in the neck of the blouse or top of the vest is very bad form. When the meal is finished, it should be crushed slightly and placed on the table to be destroyed by the waitress.

4. How should a regular drinking glass be held?

     Answer: The glass should be held near the bottom with the fingers on the outside of the glass, not under it. Never have the little finger sticking out.

5. Is it wrong to tip the gravy bowl?

    Answer: Yes, it is wrong to tip any dish to get the last drop. It gives the appearance that enough has not been provided. Ask the waitress to refill the bowl. 

From Charlotte Hawkins Brown in The Correct Thing to Do — to Say — to Wear, 1940

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Etiquette for Antebellum NYC Fashion

A local paper thinks it is dangerous to look at a pretty face, rosy with exertion, under one of these saucy hats. – Image of 1860’s ladies’ riding outfit, from Pinterest

Crinoline on horseback is a marked feature of the New York Central Park on Saturdays. The ladies' riding hats are described as “loves of things,” especially the black beaver ones, with dark green feathers and black Solferino leather trimmings. A local paper thinks it is dangerous to look at a pretty face, rosy with exertion, under one of these saucy hats. – Los Angeles Star, 1860

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Etiquette and Asking a Woman’s Age

There are two schools of thought on the subject of asking a woman her age. One group thinks it is too personal a question to ask a woman, but not too personal a question to ask a man. It’s also considered an impolite question in countries and among cultures where women work hard to maintain a certain level of modesty, compared to women in modern day, Western society. This thinking, now considered “old school” by many, was prevalent in the gilded age when this article was originally written.
Now another group thinks it is one of those etiquette rules which went out the window when the Women’s Liberation movement of the 1960’s blew in. They will tell you it is not too personal a question to ask, and most of these people are women themselves. One woman in her 60’s put it this way, “I don’t mind telling my age. I’m proud to have gotten this far in life and equally proud of my accomplishments. I celebrate every milestone birthday with cake, ice cream, and relish!”
As site editor for Etiquipedia, and at 68 years old myself, I personally agree with the second group. But as an etiquette professional, I still advise along the lines of the old-school of thought or the first group. It’s safer not to ask unless the information is pertinent to one’s line of work, or otherwise necessary, than to mistakenly insult or offend someone by asking.

Two friends of the New York Sun have had a dispute as to whether it is polite to ask a lady her age, and whether that question will be treated by one addressed as an insult, and not coming to an agreement, have referred this knotty problem to the Editor of that paper. 

This gentleman says that it is both “impertinent and unnecessary” adding, as a solace to these seekers for the rules that govern etiquette, remarks that “charming women are always young.” – Russian River Flag, 1883

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for St. Peter’s Basilica

It is not considered proper for lady to take the arm of a gentleman in a Catholic church… this is because any idea of its being a promenade should be discouraged.–Public domain image of a conjectural view of the Old St. Peter's Basilica by H. W. Brewer, 1891

 

When in Rome

Etiquette in Rome is very strict as to one point. It is not considered proper for lady to take the arm of a gentleman in a Catholic church. In walking about St. Peter’s, the guides mention this to the couples who innocently stroll arm in arm, looking at the statues, pictures, altars and frescoes of that wonderful interior. Perhaps this is because any idea of its being a promenade should be discouraged. – Daily Alta, 1885

 

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Baby Carriage Etiquette of 1908

“What you want to do it this: If the baby weighs more than the carriage, It’s the man’s place to hold the baby. If the carriage weighs more, he should hand the baby to his wife.”

HOLDING THE BABY

Introducing a Nice Point In Baby Carriage Etiquette

“That fellow doesn't know the first thing about the etiquette of the baby carriage,” remarked one of a group of men at Thirty-first and Main Streets.

The comment was made to all in a general way. One of the group, the man with a frayed collar and a look of patient resignation, gazed anxiously at a couple, about to board a car. Mother was sparring in a desperate sort of way with one of those baby carriages which shop salesmen can open and close in a minute and the users in from five to thirty minutes.

“Don't see anything wrong with that,” said the man with the frayed collar. “He's got to hold the baby even if she does have to wrestle with the carriage. You don't think he ought to hold the baby and take care of the carriage, too, do you?”

“Well, there's one thing sure,” rejoined the objector - “the man doesn't know a thing about baby carriage etiquette. What you want to do it this: If the baby weighs more than the carriage, It’s the man’s place to hold the baby. If the carriage weighs more, he should hand the baby to his wife.”

“Oh, piffle!” interpolated the man with the big black cigar. “You're way off. What he ought to do is to hand the baby to his wife and the carriage to the conductor.”-Kansas City Star, 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette of Weddings

For three months after her reappearance after the honeymoon the newly- married lady is considered a bride, and the first time during that period that she dines in any house takes precedence of all other ladies, no matter how high their rank; the same privilege is not extended to the bridegroom. She generally wears her wedding dress for these dinners, but the use of orange blossoms is confined to the wedding-day. – George Russell escorting his daughter, Gladys, to her wedding. As the leave their palatial home, they are flanked by the family’s liveried footmen and servants on HBO’s “The Gilded Age”

Invitations to weddings are always issued by the bride's family, and con- sist of elegantly printed notes, in which Mr. and Mrs. White request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's company, at St. Thomas's Church, Madison Square, to be present at the marriage of their daughter with Mr. Jones. If there is a reception afterward, a seperate card is enclosed for that, and the visiting cards of the bride and groom are added; this com- pletes the set.

These invitations are sent out a week or ten days before the wedding, and should always be answered at once. Sometimes the hour appointed for the breakfast is named. When this is the case, it signifies that the guests are not expected to go to the house direct from the church, but only to arrive shortly before the hour named. The bridegroom, attended by his best man, should be at the church before the time appointed for the bride's arrival. She arrives, accompanied in the carriage by her mother, and is received at the church door by her father (or if she have not one, by the male relative who gives her away) and her bridesmaids; and, taking her father's right arm, at once proceeds up the church followed by her bridesmaids. 

The grouping of these young ladies depends considerably on height and other circumstances. If the bride have sisters, the eldest of them is chief bridesmaid, and it is her duty to take the bride's bouquet and gloves when the service commences; if the bridegroom has a sister, she forms the pair to the chief bridesmaid. The others follow in order according to pre-concerted arrangement, and when the service begins should spread out in a semicircle behind the bridal couple. The mother of the bride follows the bridesmaids, and there should be a member of the family to escort her; generally her eldest son. 

Cake and cards are not now sent to anyone. For three months after her reappearance after the honeymoon the newly- married lady is considered a bride, and the first time during that period that she dines in any house takes precedence of all other ladies, no matter how high their rank; the same privilege is not extended to the bridegroom. She generally wears her wedding dress for these dinners, but the use of orange blossoms is confined to the wedding-day. 

When the wedding is that of a widow, it differs in several points. There are neither bridesmaids nor favors, and the lady cannot wear white, a bridal veil, nor orange flowers - violet, mauve, or gray are the most usual colors, and she must wear a bonnet. When, however, a girl marries a widower, there is no difference between the arrangements for her wedding and those which we have described at length. – Russian River Flag, 1877

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette History Article

Butter knives, shown above with antique butter dishes and butter forks, were new to tables in the 1830’s- 1840’s. Butter forks and butter picks came later in the 1800’s. Prior to butter knives and individual butter spreaders being introduced, it was very common for diners to butter their bread with their thumbs.

While certain forms of table etiquette may seem altogether conventional, even fantastic, the forms usually observed are founded on good sense, and adapted to general convenience. Table etiquette is not, as is often alleged, merely a matter of fashion, although some things that were in vogue a generation or two ago are no longer deemed polite. The reason is that manners and table furniture have undergone so many changes, have really so much improved, as to require a mutual readjustment.

For example, everybody was accustomed twenty or thirty years since, to use the knife to carry food to the mouth, because the fork of the day was not adapted to the purpose. Since the introduction of the four-tined silver fork, it has so entirely supplanted the knife that the usage of the latter, in that way, is not only superfluous, but is regarded as a vulgarian.

Another example is the discontinuance of the custom of turning tea or coffee from the cup into the saucer. Although small plates were frequently employed to set the cup in, they were not at all in general use; and even when they were used, the tea or coffee was likely to be spilled upon the cloth. The habit, likewise, of putting one’s knife into the butter arose from the fact that the butter-knife proper had not been thought of. Such customs as these, once necessitated by circumstances, are now obviously inappropriate.

Certain habits, however, are regulated by good taste and delicacy of feeling, and the failure to adopt them argues a lack of fine perception or social insight. One of these is eating or drinking audibly. No sensitive person can hear any one taking his soup. coffee or other liquid, without positive annoyance. Yet those who would be very unwilling to consider themselves ill bred are constantly guilty of such breaches of politeness. 

The defect is that they are not so sensitive as those with whom they come in contact. They would not be disturbed by the offence; they never imagine, therefore, that any one else can be. It is for them that rules of etiquette are particularly designed. Were their instinct correct, they would not need the rule, which, from the absence of instinct, appears to them irrational, purely arbitrary.

To rest one’s elbow on the table is more than a transgression of courtesy, it is an absolute inconvenience to one’s neighbors. All awkwardness of position, such as sitting too far back from or leaning over the table, are reckoned as rudeness, because they put others ill at ease through fear of such accidents as are liable to happen from any uncouthness.

These and kindred matters are trifles; but social life is so largely composed of trifles, that to disregard them wholly is a serious affront. We can hardly realize to what extent our satisfaction of dissatisfaction is made up of things in themselves insignificant, until their observance or nonobservance is brought directly home to us.– Scribner’s Monthly, 1884

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Etiquette Christian-Based

22. Leave your plate with the knife and fork lying parallel, the handles pointing to the right. – 
“The 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock or 5 and 11 are the official ‘Finished’ positions for one's knife and fork for American-style dining, but this Continental-style position seems to be universally recognized as the ‘Finished’ position for one's utensils. I recommend placing these as far to the right as possible on a plate. That way, when the server or waiter removes your plate, he or she can grasp the handles of the flatware at the same time as grasping the plate, and remove the three noiselessly from your right side. If sitting in a booth, and the only way that your plates can be removed is from your left side, a courtesy is to place the utensils together toward the left hand side of your plate. Etiquette rules can be flexible, especially when it comes to the consideration of others.” – Photo and text from the book, What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond... by Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

 RULES FOR TABLE ETIQUETTE

True politeness has its origin in Christian charity and kindness, and all standard rules of etiquette were founded for the greater convenience and happiness of all the members of society. Although the reasons may not be obvious at first sight, they exist, and will be apparent on a careful consideration.

1. Do not keep others waiting for you, either at the beginning or at the close of the meal.

2. Do not sip soup from the tip, but from the side of the spoon.

3. Be careful not to drop nor spill anything on the table cloth.

4. Keep your plate neat; do not heap all sorts of food on it at once.

5. In passing your plate to be re- helped, retain the knife and fork.

6. When asked for a dish, do not shove but hand it.

7. While drinking do not look around.

8. Instruct the servant to hand the cup at the left side, so that it may be received by the right hand.

9. Do not drink your tea or coffee without first removing the teaspoon from the cup to the saucer.

10. Use the knife for cutting only; never put it to the lips nor in the mouth.

11. Break your bread into small pieces and rest there on your plate while spreading.

12. Do not eat too fast. Besides giving one the appearance of greed, it is not healthy.

13. If you find anything disagreeable in your food put it aside as quietly as possible, without drawing the attention of any one to it.

14. Do not open the lips nor make any unnecessary noise in chewing.

15. Do not touch the head.

16. Do not rest the elbow on the table.

17. Do not speak with the mouth full.

18. Brush the table neatly before bringing on the dessert.

19. Be thoughtful and attentive to the wants of those about you.

20. Converse on pleasant subjects with those sitting near you.

21. Do not say anything not intended for all present to hear.

22. Leave your plate with the knife and fork lying parallel, the handles pointing to the right.

23. Never leave the table before others without asking the lady or gentleman who presides to excuse you. 

– Russian River Flag, 1871

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age British Boors in America

“… some Englishmen firmly believe that a dress coat and a silk hat are unnecessary impediments to the transatlantic tourist, and consequently scandalize their hosts by appearing at dinner parties in shooting coats, and on Fifth Avenue in knickerbockers.” Is the cartoonish fashion sense shown on “Egbert Floud” in the film, “Ruggles of Red Gap,” the image some Brits had of Americans? The film was set in 1908.
– Image from the 1935 comedy hit, “Ruggles of Red Gap.” 

An Englishman Who Sees Much to Condemn in His Own Countrymen

Americans are sometimes heard to complain of the manners of a certain class of young Englishmen who ought to know better. They are accused of accepting American hospitality and of neglecting the conventionality of dress and etiquette which are customary in good European society. The American naturally resents the idea of an Englishman doing in America what he would not do at home, and very justly considers such action a want of proper respect toward his entertainers. 

It is hardly likely that any man, calling himself gentleman, would deliberately wish to insult his host. It would be difficult to find a term too strong to characterize the atrocious nature of such an offense against good manners and gentlemanly breeding; the explanation is probably to be found in the gross ignorance in regard to all things connected with America, which is sometimes to be met with in England, even among the so-called educated classes.

The ordinary Englishman’s idea about America are often hazy, and sometimes mythical. I hope the generation is now defunct which was under the firm conviction that all Americans were uncivil; but there are, I fear, some still to be found who when they speak of America, picture to themselves a country in the early stages of civilization. This is not to be wondered at when we consider how meager is the information imparted at English schools or colleges in regard to the history, geography, politics or progress of this great country. 

The result of this is that some Englishmen firmly believe that a dress coat and a silk hat are unnecessary impediments to the transatlantic tourist, and consequently scandalize their hosts by appearing at dinner parties in shooting coats, and on Fifth Avenue in knickerbockers. It is also difficult for them to realize that a black coat is de rigueur, not only at New York, but in more than a score of other cities of the Union, and that Americans are even more particular than Englishmen with regard to the little conventionalities of society. The former are, perhaps, a little conservative upon some of these points; but this should make an Englishman only the more careful not to be guilty of any act which could be construed into want of respect for either the country or his hosts.

The kindness, the hospitality, the courtesy which a traveler meets within the states will make him anxious to do all he can to show his hosts that he is sensible of the trouble they have taken to make his stay in the country agreeable. There is a general disposition among all classes of Americans to be civil to Englishmen. On the street, in the cars, in the hotels the traveler will often be astonished at the amount of trouble which the unknown American will voluntarily undertake in order to assist him, or to render his journey or sojourn in a place more agreeable. It is much to be feared that Englishmen do not always as readily put themselves out for Americans when they visit Great Britain. – By Lord Brabazon, in Time. 1886

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette, Gender and Smoking

Some may not agree with me, as I am of the old school of manners and custom, when it was considered very ill bred to smoke in ladies’ company or in a room that was not for that purpose. It does appear that all such ideas are laid aside. – George Russell lights a cigar in “The Gilded Age” on HBO

Whither are We Drifting?

EDITOR FLAG: I saw in the San Francisco Chronicle a few days ago an article headed “Where are we Drifting” in regard to politics. Now I ask where are we drifting in manners and etiquette? The first thing I will take notice of is a place where almost every person has to go, both ladies and gentlemen. Is there any place that should be more respected than the Post Office? 

Now what I want to know is, are we always to have smoking in the post office? From five to six cigars and pipes not to mention cigarettes, can be seen there almost every night. I saw five young and one old gentlemen smoking, all at the same time. I took note of one young man smoking a cigar about as large as himself, and he was in conversation with two young ladies, The young man appeared to be trying to see how much smoke to give them the benefit second handed and in as short a time as possible, and I thought I could detect a scorn on the young lady’s faces as much as to say, “I don't like smoking even if it is second handed!” 

I have heard men remark that they have to go out on the sidewalk to get fresh air, the smoke inside being so disagreeable to them. Now if men are annoyed, how is it with ladies that never smell tobacco at home? There certainly is some law in regard to how a Post Office should be kept in regard to the room where people have to go to get their mail. If not, there should be, and it should be enforced without regard to persons. Some may not agree with me, as I am of the old school of manners and custom, when it was considered very ill bred to smoke in ladies’ company or in a room that was not for that purpose. It does appear that all such ideas are laid aside. – H. B., Russian River Flag, 1886

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Servants and “Kitchen Etiquette”

“Did you ever find that scolding made an order more intelligible, or caused anything but broken dishes and ill-cooked dinners? Then try gentleness a little while; if that will not accomplish anything, send away your servant and try another.” – Especially around the holidays, always a stressful time, remember to be courteous to those in your employ.

Kitchen Etiquette

Humanity, says Bacon, is sooner won by courtesy than by real benefits. If one would make thorough and efficient servants out of raw material, it must be done by patience and long suffering. You say they are provokingly stupid; we will suppose they are; but if we have to deal with stupidity, let us use the means best adapted to it. Will intimidation succeed? 

Did you ever find that scolding made an order more intelligible, or caused anything but broken dishes and ill-cooked dinners? Then try gentleness a little while; if that will not accomplish anything, send away your servant and try another. You cannot afford to lose your temper; and a person on whom persistent kindness is thrown away can render you no intelligent or permanent service. 

We put it to the common sense of our readers, whether self-preservation, comfort, and duty, do not require of us a little more attention to kitchen etiquette?-Scribner's Monthly, 1875

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Japanese Etiquette Tips

Don’t blow your nose in public in Japan, don’t jaywalk and don’t litter.

Some helpful tips on Japanese etiquette

As an expat, I can confirm that life in Japan takes some getting used to. Several customs are unique to the island nation, and there are more than enough social nuances and contexts to follow. Home life also takes some adjusting as apartments are arranged somewhat differently than back home.

Despite being a great place to live, anyone moving to Japan can expect to commit more than a few faux pas. The worst I was ever guilty of occurred about six months into my time here.

At the time, my Japanese instructor graciously organized for me to attend a tea ceremony at her friend's house. The individual was a certified tea ceremony teacher and a very nice and gentle lady. We arrived at her countryside home and found everything prepared for our visit. Although there were about five of us partaking, as the only non-Japanese participant, I was the guest of honor.

Sure enough, the tea ceremony teacher performed a beautiful ceremony and offered everyone tea. When finished, I was singled out to decide whether or not the group would have refills. I said OK, everyone drank, and again I was asked if we should have more. It seemed like everyone was still socializing, so again I said OK.

Overall, I thought nothing of it. However, on the ride home, my Japanese instructor told me in an admonishing tone that we had likely drunk over 10,000 yen worth of tea. As a coffee-drinking American, I was unaware that high-quality tea could reach such astronomical prices. Furthermore, the experience made it clear that Japanese etiquette would prevent others from “embarrassingly” pulling me aside to stop me from making such a fool of myself. Live and learn.

12 behaviors to avoid

Having said my peace, I figure it'd be worthwhile to study up on Japanese manners and etiquette. Fortunately, YouTuber Abroad in Japan has covered the issue in several videos to keep others from similarly embarrassing themselves.

Abroad in Japan begins by admitting there are a lot of things to learn when it comes to etiquette in Japan. Understandably, it takes a lot of time before things solidify completely.

In a video, the vlogger points out that eating and walking is frowned upon in Japan. Residents prize orderliness and clean streets, so a pedestrian dropping crumbs is no good. Most people eating in public finish their snack while standing in front of the business where they bought it before moving on.

While on the topic of food, chopsticks are also something to be mindful of. More specifically, visitors should refrain from standing the utensil upright in rice or passing bits of food from chopsticks to chopsticks. These actions are traditionally practiced at cremations, and their application elsewhere is disconcerting, to say the least. On the positive side, however, tipping is not a part of the dining culture in Japan.

Abroad in Japan also notes how commuting in Japan is a little different than back home. Trains, for example, have the atmosphere of a library and are very quiet. Naturally, talking loudly on cell phones is discouraged, and many reminders are posted throughout train cars.

Abroad in Japan goes on to note a few more manners to keep in mind.

• Treat business cards with respect
• Don’t blow your nose in public
• Limit physical contact
• Try not to be opinionated
• Take off your shoes before entering a house
• Don’t litter
• Wait for the light, don’t jaywalk
• Don’t worry about making mistakes

Nightlife Tips and Tricks

While that covers the everyday stuff, Japanese nightlife is another beast. Fortunately, Abroad in Japan has also covered the issue:

First things first, while pub crawling, any patron is likely to be confronted with menus covered in Japanese and no pictures. At times like this, asking "osusume wa nan desu ka?" ("What do you recommend") is an easy go-to move. Staff will be happy to suggest several items.

Another tip is to take advantage of the hand towel provided at most restaurants throughout the meal. They are pleasant to use and a lifesaver when handling greasy food late at night. Be prepared to pay a seating charge at some restaurants, an unfortunately unavoidable part of eating out in the country. A final thing to be aware of is that Japan is still largely a cash-based society. This means that at pubs and bars, in particular, credit cards are not usually accepted. So be sure to have cash ready, although, again, there is no need to tip. – Taken from an article by Luke Mahoney, Japan Times, 2020

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Absurd Etiquette Rules vs Courtesy

‘‘Smile at me, nephews and nieces,” he resumed, “because I tuck my napkin under my chin. Yet why should I spoil my black broadcloth coat with turkey stains or smears of cranberry sauce? It Is a rule of etiquette, you say. that the napkin may only be placed across the knee—an absurd, ephemeral rule! – Public domain image of “The Gourmand,” by Henri Brispot

“Whether to eat fish with a fish knife and fork, or a fork and a bit of bread, whether to serve champagne in a tumbler or a goblet—it is quite absurd to regard one of these courses as right and the other as wrong and to admire or despise a person accordingly. The average rule of etiquette has nothing to do with courtesy, with good breeding, and it is no criterion of courtesy or of good breeding.” 

The speaker, an old fashioned gentleman from the country, knotted the ends of his napkin more firmly about his neck. ‘‘Smile at me, nephews and nieces,” he resumed, “because I tuck my napkin under my chin. Yet why should I spoil my black broadcloth coat with turkey stains or smears of cranberry sauce? It Is a rule of etiquette, you say. that the napkin may only be placed across the knee—an absurd, ephemeral rule! 

“It was a rule of etiquette in France during the reign of ‘The Sun King,’ the great Louis XIV., that when the King visited a sick subject, the King, too, must lie down in a bed on the ground, that it would never do for a subject to maintain a more informal attitude than his master during the audience. Louis XIV, visiting the Marshal de Villars after Malplaquet, lay in a bed beside the suffering soldier in that way. “Behold the absurdities of etiquette and let me do with my napkin what I please.” – Auburn Journal, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Tricky Dining

Tips for eating artichokes, spaghetti and other tricky fare 

Crayfish, pizza, spaghetti and artichokes are just a few of the foods lurking out there waiting for your fork to take a wrong turn. Southern Ohio College’s “At Ease” etiquette hot line offers these tips to avoid a collision between the food and your lap:

• Artichokes are eaten leaf by leaf. Remove the leaves by grasping the tip with the thumb and forefinger of one hand. Dip its base in sauce, and gently scrape off the meat by pulling the leaf between your clenched teeth. Deposit the leaf on your plate.
• Bread and rolls are broken into bite-sized pieces using your hands, not your knife. Butter one bite-sized portion at a time, making sure you butter it over the bread plate, not over the dinner plate.
• Clams, mussels and oysters are retrieved from their shells with a sharp seafood fork. Eat them whole. Deposit empty shells on a discards plate or your bread-and-butter dish.
• Cracker wrappers should be placed on your bread plate or next to your dinner plate, not in the ashtray.
• Crayfish are eaten by twisting off the head and peeling the shell off the tail. Eat the meat with your fingers.
• Edible baskets such as the tortilla baskets that taco salads are served in should be broken off, one bite-sized piece at a time, and eaten.
• Escargots in the shell: grasp the shell firmly with the snail clamp (or your fingers, if they are all that are available). Then, with the fork in your other hand, twist the meat out. Dip it in the sauce and eat whole. Soak up the liquid in the shell with a piece of bread impaled on a seafood fork.
• Fish served whole is tackled by first slicing off the head and tail and putting them aside on the plate. Next, make a shallow incision end to end, slicing just under the skin. Open the fish up flat, then cut underneath the back-bone with the tip of your knife and lift out the skeleton whole, with the aid of your fork. Set it on the plate’s edge.
• Fruits such as grapes, tangerines and navel oranges can be eaten with your fingers. (When eating grapes, pull off a small bunch or branch, then eat one at a time.) Berries, persimmons, melons, papayas, grapefruits and pineapples are eaten with a spoon. Most other fruits are eaten with a knife and fork.
• A lemon should be pierced several times with a fork, then squeezed with one hand with the other hand cupped around it as a shield.
• Pie a la mode should be eaten with both a fork and a spoon.

Pizza, fried chicken, ribs, corn on cob are simple, but can be tricky. 

• Pizza: Roll it into your hand, cup it and take a bite. 
• Corn: butter and salt a few rows at a time, eat, and then resalt and butter. Use corn holders. 
• Ribs: bones should be picked up only in the privacy of your home.
• Shrimp with tails intact may be held by their tails or eaten with a fork, as dictated by the formality of the occasion. If the shrimp cocktail contains shelled jumbo-sized shrimp, pierce them near their tails with the accompanying small fork and eat the flesh one bite at a time.
• Small game birds such as squab and quail are eaten with a knife and fork, but you can pick up the legs (like fried chicken) to finish them off.
• Tea bags should be lifted out of the water with a spoon and placed on the saucer.
• Soup should be eaten by skimming the spoon over the top of it, away from you. “Little ships go out to sea, only to come home to me,” is a saying taught to children. 
• Spaghetti and other varieties of long, slippery pasta are eaten by twirling a few strands around your fork, using the spoon as a support to keep the ends from slipping.
• Lobster legs and claws are twisted off the body. Crack the large claws using a lobster cracker or the edge of a heavy knife. Then pick out the meat with a small, sharp seafood fork. Dip the meat in butter, and eat. Lift the tail meat out with your fork. Cut off a small piece and dip it in butter before eating.
• Pick up white wine glasses by the stem to prevent your body temperature from warming the chilled wine. Since red wine usually is served at a warm temperature, red wine glasses can be picked up by either the stem or the bowl. –San Bernardino Sun, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette: Sensible Humor

“… there is a sensible reason for that rule. You are very liable to cut your mouth with the knife. That is one reason why you should always use your fork in conveying food to your mouth.” Above: Sir Alec Guinness looks on in bemusement as Sir John Mills eats food straight from his knife in 1946’s “Great Expectations.” By the latter half of the 19th century, etiquette books were decrying the practice of eating from one’s knife, though it had earlier been perfectly acceptable behavior in England for hundreds of years.

“Etiquette”

“Pardon me, Cousin Jay, but you should not eat with your knife,” said Mrs. Cittily, addressing her rural relative. “It is not according to the rules of etiquette, you know.”

“Hoh! What's the sense of eterket, anyhow?” airily answered the visitor from the wilds of the Wayback County, passing in the midst of an interesting exhibition of amateur sword-swallowing. “I ain't no dude.”

“I know you are not, Cousin Jay, but there is a sensible reason for that rule. You are very liable to cut your mouth with the knife. That is one reason why you should always use your fork in conveying food to your mouth.”

“Hoh! That ain't no reason at all! A feller that ain’t got sense enough to keep from cuttin’ his mouth with a knife would be just as likely to jab it with a fork.” – In “The World,” 1896

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

New Fashions in Table Manners of 1919

Many a debutante and “rising young man” invited to his or her first dinner party has tossed on a midnight pillow, and raptly consulted some “What To Do Book” in an agony over the proper way with asparagus! And once asparagus was to be approached only with a fork - but nowadays it may be daintily lifted with the fingers! Fashions have changed! – Above, antique French ivory handled and silver Victorian asparagus tongs.

Even etiquette has its changing fashions!

Many a debutante and “rising young man” invited to his or her first dinner party has tossed on a midnight pillow, and raptly consulted some “What To Do Book” in an agony over the proper way with asparagus! And once asparagus was to be approached only with a fork - but nowadays it may be daintily lifted with the fingers! Fashions have changed!

The tendency is ever toward simplicity, with Dame Curtsey’s frown upon display and elaboration in service and absurd restrictions in behavior and the general rule is simplicity and inconspicuous behavior.

There are a few main, points in table etiquette which should be observed by every well-bred and self-respecting individual or family group: In family life, where there are very small children whose meals require special time and attention it is wisę to serve their meals away from the general table, and previous to the adult family's meal. This custom provides that the mother may give special attention to their proper feeding, and may supervise their table manners, and later. may enjoy her own meal, and normal conversation with guests and family uninterrupted by the demands of children.

Children of 10 or 12 years should be permitted to eat at the general table to obtain training in good manners, and begin to take their place in the social life of the family group. then the boys, and the father serves himself last.

When guests are present they should be served first, or if the meal is semi-informal the hostess should be served first, and should set the pace for the guests in the choice of silver, and the use of the table equipment of foods, thus sparing the guests embarrassment.

For large formal dinners the hostess and guest of honor are served first, and then the guests on one side of the table are served before serving on the other side is begun. This is more practical than serving all the ladies first.

The fork is the table implement which is used for conveying food to the mouth elther as a spear, shovel or pick. It is used as a spear when employed to hold food on the plate while it is cut with the knife, in such case hold the fork with the top end resting in the palm of the hand, the tines downward, and the forefinger resting on the waist of the fork to steady In carrying the food to the mouth keep the food on the tips of the tines, and the hand uppermost in eating. 

Using the fork as a shovel turn the tines upward, and take small portions of food into the bowl of the fork, resting the handle on the hand and holding the fork tween the thumb and first finger.

Use the knife only when required for cutting meat or vegetables, and to spread bits of bread with butter. When not in use lay the knife flat across one side of the plate.

Should the plate be returned to server for a second helping, place both knife and fork side by side on the plate and send with the plate. When the plate is cleared place knife and fork close together upon it, the knife at the right and the fork at the left.

The spoon is used only for stirring liquids or serving soft food from plate or dish to the mouth. Never allow the spoon to remain in a cup or dish after all have been served. It endangers spilling. In drinking any beverage use the spoon to stir and test the temperature and flavor, then lay the spoon on the saucer and sip quietly from the cup.

Take soup from the side of the spoon.

In drinking from a water glass always wipe the lips before drinking to avoid leaving a greasy impress on the rim of the glass. – By Biddy Bye, 1919

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia