Etiquette Necessities for the Schoolgirl

Social Amenities Young Girls Need

ONE of the first rules of etiquette that a younger girl has to learn is the acknowledging of invitations, accepting: or declining. An invitation should be answered at once, whether it be formal or informal, and must be answered in the same manner in which it is given. A formal luncheon invitation, “Miss Laura Smith requests the pleasure of Miss Barclay’s company at luncheon Friday, March 4, at one o’clock,” requires answering in the same formal fashion: “Miss Barclay accepts with pleasure (or regrets extremely that she is unable to accept) Miss Laura Smith's kind invitation for luncheon Friday, March 4, at one o'clock.”

If the invitation is for dinner it is worded precisely the same, with “dinner” substituted for luncheon and the different hour.
“My Dear Miss Barclay:—Will you give me the pleasure of your company at luncheon, most informally, Friday, March 4? Trusting that you have no engagement for that date and that I may surely see you, believe me, sincerely, Louisa Jones.” 

The acceptance or regret must be in precisely the same form, for there is no rule more strict than that invitation and answer shall have the same wording. Invitations given by telephone should always be followed by a note of invitation, but it is not necessary to write an answer to an invitation given by telephone. Like almost every rule of etiquette, there is a good reason for the written invitation following the telephone message, that it shall serve as a reminder of the day and hour. 

The prompt acknowledgment of any and every invitation is considered a mark of good breeding, and a young girl should never, be permitted to neglect her invitations. This winter many hostesses who gave dances, were so annoyed at the neglect to answer their invitations, that notes were sent asking the reason for the delay, and the girls who had not answered were severely criticised as not having understood one of the first rules of society.

The importance of a note of acknowledgment not only of an invitation but of courtesy received can not be overestimated, and the few graceful words of thanks for the pleasant evening pleases the hostess and gains for the young girl the reputation of having been well brought up and also of being appreciative—two most valuable assets. In these days, when attractive stationery can be bought for so little, every girl should take care to select attractive note paper. 

The cost of marking the address is also very trifling, and a dainty note, well written and well expressed, always makes a good impression upon the recipient. Small note paper and the oblong cards should always be kept at hand so there can be no excuse for not answering an invitation promptly or in acknowledging acts of courtesy or kindness, and just such trifling acts as these do more to make or mar a girl's popularity than she realizes.

Young girls should not send invitations in their own names to any entertainments formal enough to demand a written invitation. The invitation must be in the name of the girl’s mother, excepting in the case of a girl’s luncheon. This may seem somewhat arbitrary, but, like all accepted rules of etiquette, is eminently practical. The entertainment is provided by the mother; it is her house, and it is she who will receive the guests. Furthermore, for a young girl to send an invitation to a young man savors of independence and a lack of knowledge of what is considered good form.

The remark that such a girl is too “old fashioned” and “too particular” is never heard in that set of persons which has for generations been prominent socially and where rules and regulations, unwritten but understood, have and do prevail and where etiquette has been proved essential to a well ordered existence. – San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Deportment and Curtseys

Little girls learn to etiquette and drawing room deportment with curtseys in 1890 German artwork... “Complimenti! Complimenti!” - deportment (n.) 1st known use 1601, from Middle French déportement, from déporter “to behave,” from Old French “deporter”

Teachers of etiquette and drawing room deportment are putting their pupils through exercises which are designed to improve the carriage and grace of the debutante. They are teaching her how to open a door and pass out through it while keeping her face toward her hostess or the person in the room. Carelessness has made girls forget that this attention is due the person to whom “good-bye” has been said.

Usually the girls are in a hurry to get to some other place or they are occupied with the next appointment or perhaps they have never had their attention called to the fact that saying "good-bye" is not the final act of departure. Having had this done, girls are now beginning to see that the formal leave-taking is not terminated until the guest has withdrawn from the room, if she is calling or has been summoned before her parents or some older person in authority.

In informal meetings, these details of deportment are not generally observed, but they should be learned as a preparation for more formal occasions, because one never knows at what time they will be valuable assets.

Girls often make the same mistake of entering a room, especially if they shut the door behind them. In entering they face the center of the room or the end where the person visited is seated; then in order to close the door they turn squarely around, back to the room, and gently push the door to. After accomplishing this act successfully they consider themselves ready to go on with the formal entrance, which by this time has lost all its dignity and attractiveness.

For no person can suggest both of these qualities by presenting her back to a gathering. It is easy to close a door after you without moving the body around. The arms and hands do it while the face is turned toward the center of the room. 

Of course these details seem trivial to very young girls, who seldom take all the interest in their manners that they should, but by the time a girl has finished school and is ready to enter society she will be grateful to the parent or teacher who insisted on her learning the little arts which seemed so useless to her before. — San Francisco, 1912

E 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930's Girl Scout Etiquette

Circa 1936 – Girl Scouts sell their famous cookies.

Girl Scout Rules

Girl Scouts of the United States are taught to observe the rules of the road and the etiquette of highways. One of the first regulations is not to be a “trail hog” and leave tin cans, fruit peelings, empty cracker boxes and paper along the pathway. The definition of a “trail hog” is one who does not stop to think how the thoroughfare and adjacent territory will look to the next traveler. – Coronado Eagle and Journal, 1930

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Wealth in Parenting

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child...

Etiquette — A Rich Heritage Which the Poorest May Give Their Children

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child. You may not be able to send your boy to Harvard nor your girl to dancing school. They will never upbraid you for that. But bring them through childhood surrounded by and solely taught coarse, common, slovenly ways of speech and behavior, and no matter how devoted and unselfish you have otherwise tried to be, as surely as they live will they see the day when your memory is stung by the bitterest reproaches. 

Start them in the world with faultless manners, and though they have no other inheritance they are immeasurably far from poor in the world’s most cherished coin. Money does not rule everywhere. Does some busy, tired mother or careworn father cry out, “How shall I study all the intricacies of etiquette to teach them again!” I reply: There are a dozen broad rules that are sufficient to pass muster. The rest are very good to know, and not absolutely necessary. 

I set down some of them here, with this excuse, that I see them constantly violated by bright, gentle little people who would be glad to "act pretty," if, poor, small souls they had the faintest stimulus of example or even precept to guide them. Teach a boy never to wear his hat in the  house, nor while standing before a woman; to allow a woman always to precede him, even (as latest advices say) in ascending stairs; to be quick to open doors for her, to carry her parcels, to wait upon her and never to sit while she is standing. 

Teach both hoys and girls good table manners. Make them wait by their chairs till their elders are seated; eat noiselessly; not fidget nor talk with full mouths, nor upon unappetizing subjects; not leave knife and fork trailing off the plate, but always laid side by side, never crossed upon it, every second that they are not in use; not to soak and sop their food; not to bite off bits from a slice: to half fold the napkin when it is not to be used again; not to reach: to be courteous in thanks and requests; to push the chair against the table after the meal. 

Teach them always to knock at a closed door: not to call from one room to another; not to slouch in their seats, nor, if in a rocking chair, to rock. With speech there are more than a dozen ‘don'ts.’ They certainly are vulgar who use "havin’’ and "doin,” and “run” for "ran” and "come” for "came;” who are not early taught to abstain from subjects and words—all proper enough in their place—that are not agreeable to the most sensitive ear.

A child almost surely learns from the beginning to wash his hands often; not to take bones in his fingers nor to drink from his saucer; to take off his hat when be meets a lady (but it should include even little girls) and to use “done” and "seen” in in their proper places. I wish some elders were not content with this very slim outfit of polite baggage when as much more would be as easily taught. "Some day the child will wish so, too." says the writer in Good Housekeeping, from whom we quote.—Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boys and Girls

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness.

Wise Etiquette Advice for 

Victorian Era Boys and Girls

Nothing can be a greater mark of ill-manners than to remain sitting while your elder is standing before you talking to you. Rise and offer your seat or another at once, and never lounge on the sofa or take the easiest chair, while there are those in the room whose age gives them a better claim to them. 

And always be polite, respectful and modest in your demeanor to everyone, especially to your superiors, remembering also that there is nothing more disgusting than to see young people assume an air of self-importance and disrespect towards anyone. 

Never stare people in the face. If you are talking with anyone, it is proper to look at them— eye to eye—with a cheerful, dignified assurance; but to stare at anyone, as though you saw something peculiar about him, is exceedingly rude and impolite. 

Do not cultivate clownish or monkeyish manners. We have seen rude boys and even girls, who seemed to take pride in antic gestures, foolish jesting, buffoonery or what is styled "drollery," and who took great delight in using odd expressions, thinking that it made them appear interesting to the lookers on. Such behavior may excite the laughter of the foolish, as the wise men tell us: "For the mouths of fools feedith on foolishness," But every sensible person regards such conduct with disgust and abhorence. And every youth who acts the buffoon lowers himself in the opinion of those with whom he desires to stand high. 

Be gentle and quiet in your movements. If you are a young man just commencing a business career, good manners will be indispensable to your success. Appear to feel an interest in your work; let your eyes light up at every command, and let your feet be nimble to perform it. There are boys who look so dull and heavy, and walk so slowly, and appear so lazy, that no business man will employ them. Be energetic, prompt, industrious, and careful. Attend to your business in a quiet polite manner; equally removed from familiarity and haughtiness. 

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness. And if our young friends would only remember what Lear said while hanging over Cordelia's dead body, it would help them to put far from them loud and boisterous manners: "Her voice was ever sweet, Gentle and low, an excellent thing in woman." — From The California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette for Cycling

The instructors in the big academies, where women are taught to ride, their bodies are being educated in the mysteries of the “bike.”

Are You Up to Bike Manners?

There Is a Need of a Leader in Wheeling Etiquette

A Fashionable Girl's Lament

Polite Rules of the Road As Laid Down Her Instructor— What She Must and Must Not Do

NEW YORK— Young ladies of the fashionable world, and for that matter the older ones too, who have become late of the wheel, have recently been discussing the urgent need of a recognized formula of bicycle etiquette. 

As far as wheeldom is concerned, the sport is in its infancy; everything is crude and unconventional to the delicately nurtured social eye, and the young buds of the ballroom are all at sea when they find themselves out on the road spinning along on the democratic "bike." 

It may not be long before regular professors of bicycle deportment will be making the rounds of the homes of the rich, instructing the maids and matrons of the etiquette of the wheel, just as the little boys and girls are now being taught the polite arts of the ballroom. 

But at the moment everything is chaotic in this most important field of the fashionable woman. She uses her good common sense, and her innate gentility is sufficient guide to correctly meet the ordinary happenings of life a-wheel, but bicycling is no ordinary sport, and happenings of an extraordinary kind continually occur. 

The laws of conventional life cannot apply to these unforeseen events, and the well-bred woman who insists upon being conventional and at the same time a bicyclist, does not know quite where she is at. The instructors in the big academies, where women are taught to ride, their bodies are being educated in the mysteries of the "bike."

Here are some of the etiquette rules which a fashionable girl said she received from the woman instructor of the academy where she rides. Be acknowledged that she may have forgotten some of them, just as she forgets the vital point in the art of dismounting, and frequently comes a nasty cropper in consequence. 

                     

• The 
  first one was, never criticise a fellow bicyclist, particularly if she is a woman and inclined to stoutness. The moral of this is that you may be stout yourself in a few years, and a bicycle rider for the sole purpose of reducing weight. 

• Another is, when you are riding in the park or on the road and a cranky horse comes along which rears and plunges at sight of your bicycle, always dismount without delay and turn your wheel flat on the ground. Serious runaway accidents can sometimes be averted by a little courtesy of this kind. It only takes a minute or two of time, and as all women bicyclists ride for pleasure, that much lost time is of little consequence to them. 

• Always keep to the right in riding. You may be called names if you forget this rule on a crowded road. 

• In passing a vehicle or wheel going in the same direction, it is usually safest to go by them on the left. 

• Try to foster the feeling of brotherhood and sisterhood among all wheelers. Remember that accidents happen to the best bicyclists, just as they do in the best regulated families. 

• If anything goes wrong with a man or woman wheeler, render any assistance you can. No man will take advantage of such assistance to thrust his acquaintance upon you at a future time, he would run the risk of ostracism by fellow bicyclists who, perhaps, have sisters, wives or sweethearts devoted to the sport. 

• If you are unfortunate enough to have an accident happen to your wheel, do not hesitate to accent the proffered assistant of the first wheelman who comes along. If he is the right kind, as he probably will be, he will set your wheel right and then pursue his journey. Should he ever pass you again he will give no sign that he had ever met you before. 

• Don't be afraid to mention the word bloomers in the presence of a man. If he be versed in bike manners, as all true wheelers should be, he will regard the word purely as one for ordinary conversation, as it surely is in bicycle talk. 

• If one fears the attention of pedestrians wear a veil, but not thick enough to affect the vision. It will protect the face from dust and thoroughly conceal identity. 

• Don't try to ride rapidly. Fast riders meet with accident sooner or later, and a woman in a smash-up does not appear to advantage. It's bad bike form too. 

• For the same reason, be careful about coasting and always be certain in advance that the brake is in good working order. 

• Always respect the feelings of pedestrians, and be careful of their safety. In streets frequently crossed, ride as slowly as possible. Kindly consideration of the pedestrians will beget the same for the wheeler. 

Thus it can be seen that the true woman wheeler has more to learn in bicycling than the mere pushing of pedals. – New York, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Ancient Chinese Etiquette for Women & Girls

The sacrificial offering to them. You must never cease to make. Thus should you honor your ancestors.

On Reverence for Parents 

Girls not yet gone out from their homes [not married] Must carefully reverence their parents ; Early rise, and to them The morning salutations present. If cold, build a fire to warm them ; If warm, use the fan to cool them ; If they are hungry, hasten to supply them food; If thirsty, prepare for them the tea.  

If your parents rebuke you. Receive it not impatiently, But, standing in their presence, Hear with reverence and obedient heart. And repent of and forsake the wrong. The words of your parents. Regard as beyond all others important ; Obey their instructions ; Turn not away your head, And be not stiff-necked.  

If you do wrong, confess to your parents, Requesting instruction and reproof. When your parents become old, Morning and night be sorrowful and fearful ; Their clothes, food, and drink, With the utmost care provide, Observing the demands Of the four seasons in your care for them.           

Observing the demands of the four seasons in your care for them.           

If your parents are sick. Leave not their bedside, Loosen not your girdle to lie down ; The tea and the medicine. Yourself first taste To be sure that it is just right. Cease not to cry unto heaven. Or to pray in the ancestral temple, That they may be restored. 

Never let it be said That your parents died For lack of attention from you. When they die, Your very bones should grieve. And to your life's end cease not to mourn. Griefs clothing, for your parents, Three years you must wear ; The sacrificial offering to them. You must never cease to make. Thus should you honor your ancestors.

Written by Lady Tsao in the Han Dynasty. The Han Dynasty, from 206 BC – 220 AD, was one of the Longest of China's Major Dynasties 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Teaching Children Etiquette and Manners in the Early 20th C.

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”~ Fred Astaire

“As the Twig is Bent”

Every one theoretically admits the importance of early training. It is demonstrated in the animal and the vegetable kingdoms, wherever organic life unfolds and grows; and that the human child is no exception is promptly recognized in theory, however fatally practice ignores it.

Not that parents mean to ignore it; but there is a “happy-go-lucky” impression that somehow “he will come out all right;” that “as he gets older, his own good sense will assert itself,” and so on. Happily, this is partly true. A native good disposition and good sense saves many a child from the ruin which an unwise course of training has done its best to precipitate. The wonder is that they “turn out" as well as they do. Perhaps providence, in visiting its judgments, is lenient to the young and inexperienced parents, themselves undisciplined; to the helpless child, at the mercy of his blind guides.

There is too much negative, too little positive, in child-training; too much querulous reiteration of “don't,” too little intelligent teaching how to do. Little children like to be “shown how;” they are fascinated with the games and gifts of the kindergarten, which aims to teach something, not to repress everything. Children are delighted to learn little polite phrases; to make a bow; to hold a fork daintily; to offer little courtesies, and to receive a smiling approbation. They would rather do things prettily than not. They are not “contrary,” exceptional cases of hereditary ugliness aside. 

They are apt pupils, whether their tutor be a philosopher or a fool. And if a faulty example be a child's most constant and influential teacher, what wonder that the lessons, well-learned, are put in practice? And just then, if you listen, you will hear some one issue the emphatic but vacuous command, “Don't!” And the baby doesn't, for the space of a few seconds; after which, unable to get any new suggestions out of the idea-less instructions given him, he proceeds to do the same thing over, only to be again commanded to desist, a spanking for “disobedience” this time varying the monotony of the universal prohibition.

The profane poll-parrot is not a more startling witness to the character of its surroundings than the “terrible infant,” whose rude snatchings, pert contradictions, and glib slang phrases are sure to be most effectively “shown off” in the presence of visitors. It is of little use to affect grieved surprise, or stern reprobation, when one's children are merely exhibiting their daily discipline.

Most parents feel keenly the embarrassment of having the infant misbehave so inopportunely, and they are apt to offer a tacit apology and a vague self-defense by sharply reprimanding the child in words that are meant to give the visitor the idea that they–the parents–never heard or saw such conduct before, and are now frozen with amazement. The nonchalant or incredulous or impish way in which the children receive these reproofs only confirms the suspicion that such scenes have been frequent, and the discipline attending them has been inconsequent.

One parent I have heard acknowledge the truth of the matter. An elderly clergyman was his guest, and the four-year-old daughter of the house was entertaining the “grandpa” with a toy puzzle, which he fumbled with in vain, unable to put it together or to take it apart. Impatient at last, the little girl hastily snatched it from his hand with a childish growl of contempt, and proceeded to show him the trick, saying, with an airy mingling of criticism and condescension, "By Jove! your name is Dennis; you are not in it!” The old gentleman paused, instinctively prepared to hear the usual "Why, daughter! papa is astonished to hear his little girl," etc, etc., after the fashion of the parental hypocrite. But this candid young father met the dignified eyes squarely, and said promptly, "I'm sorry, Doctor, but there's no use denying it; she is just giving me away." He had the sense to recognize his own teaching, the honesty to admit it. Whether he has the discretion to reform his methods remains to be seen.

For right here is another point: that people think it is "cute” for a little child to say and do things that in a child a few years older would be most unattractively rude. But they must reflect that this same cute little child will soon be a few years older, and will carry into that riper age the fixed habits that are forming now; and it will not be so easy a task to transform the child's manners as it is to dress him in a larger suit of clothes.

A choice rose was grafted upon a wild,thorny stock, and planted beside a veranda trellis. The owner watched it carefully for a year or so, cutting down the rank shoots of the wild stock as they sprang aggressively from the root, allowing the grafted branch to grow in full luxuriance, bearing carmine clusters that filled the garden with spicy odor. The next spring an ignorant gardener pruned away the branches, cutting down the slenderest and leaving what to his unpracticed eye were the most desirable, because the thriftiest, shoots; and when the time of blossoms came, nothing appeared but the ragged petals of the wild thorn.

So, in "the rosebud garden of girls"--or boys. If the choice graft of cultured manners (for it is a graft on the sturdy but wayward stock of human nature) is left to be choked out by the rank, wild growth of impulse, or if by some flagrant error in example and discipline it is practically cut down at the main branch, what can the careless trainer expect? He may weep to find no velvet-petaled rose when he comes to look for it; but he has no right to blame the rose-bush, nor can he, at this late day, hide the tact of his blundering pruning by righteously affirming that he is "perfectly astonished." His neighbors, who have quietly noted the methods pursued in his kindergarten, are not in the least surprised.

Another resource for escaping blame is that of explaining that the children “learn these things at school.” Presumably they do not mean from the teachers. It is “from the other children,” who seem to be a most injurious class of society.

It is their influence which makes our children so rude and so ungrammatical; and, strangely enough, though these other children never dine with our children, so subtle and far-reaching is their baleful influence that our children's defective manners at the table are directly traceable to the same evil source.

Granted, a measure of truth in the charge; for large mirthfulness and large imitation lead children to do things “just for fun,” which all the time they know better than to persist in. But, as a fact, demonstrated by observation, a very small percentage of the children who are habituated to correct behavior at home are ever seriously affected by outside influences. A superficial effect may show in little things; but such lapses of speech or manner are transient, and in no degree control the development of the child when his home training is irreproachable. On the other hand, the efforts of an untiring teacher, laboring five hours a day to teach correct language and enunciation, may be of little permanent value, when the remaining hours of the day are spent in a home where the English grammar hourly meets a violent death. 

And what is true of grammar is equally true of morals and manners. The school and society may be measurably influential; but the home casts the deciding vote. And when people note the manners--good or bad--of your boys and girls, they do not ask, “What school do they attend?” “What children do they associate with?” but, “Whose children are they?”

Would you have them mannerly? Teach them; by precept, certainly; but above all things, by example. – From Agnes H. Morton's 1911 “Etiquette.”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia