Ukrainian Hospitality and Etiquette

“This beautiful country has small traditional differences in customs, because it was located on a large territory. One of the most famous cultural features is Ukrainian hospitality.”

There are many interesting traditions and rites in Ukraine. This cultural treasure was passed down through the generations. Something remained in the past, and something was acquired. This beautiful country has small traditional differences in customs, because it was located on a large territory. One of the most famous cultural features is Ukrainian hospitality. 

We will consider the good manners of the guest and the host, as well as the rules of hospitality that you can find in most families today using the example of a classic dinner party. Guests are invited at least a week in advance. The host and hostess always carefully prepare for this event, because in Ukrainian culture a guest is an important person. 

The hostess prepares many different dishes so that the guests can not only appreciate the culinary skill, but also not stay hungry. Food on the table is as an important element of hospitality as it was then, and today. One of the key symbols of Ukrainian hospitality is bread and salt, which are necessarily present on every table.

Guests must arrive on time or up to 30 minutes late. Coming earlier is a sign of bad manners. A well-mannered person may come with a gift to the hosts. It can be something small to express attention. Wine or champagne, a box of candies or other sweets. It is also possible to present flowers to the mistress of the house.

When there are children in the house, they are usually given fruits, sweets or small toys. However, it is important to emphasize that before giving children something, you should ask their parents for permission first.

When the guests have gathered, bread, snacks, and salads are already on the table. Everything is served on common plates. The hostess presents her dishes and helps to lay out the treats from the common platter to the guests. 

After common meals, guests can take a break and leave the table. The hostess removes everything from the table except the glasses. Then a table is served for hot beverages and cake or other sweets. Іn Ukraine cakes, pastries and chocolate are always served together with tea and coffee.

The host usually offers alcohol and is responsible for ensuring that each guest has a glass filled with either wine or “uzvar” (Ukrainian drink) etc…

After a short period of time, the main dishes are served on common plates. It happens like this: either the hostess serves a dish to each guest on a plate in turn, or the guests pass the dish to each other, personally placing the dish on their plate.

Communication is an integral part of the evening, guests and hosts conduct various conversations on comfortable topics, maintaining a friendly and warm atmosphere.

Guests must arrive on time or up to 30 minutes late. Coming earlier is a sign of bad manners.

After common meals, guests can take a break and leave the table. The hostess removes everything from the table except the glasses. Then a table is served for hot beverages and cake or other sweets. Іn Ukraine cakes, pastries and chocolate are always served together with tea and coffee.

After dessert, the evening comes to an end, the guests are still communicating, but little by little they begin to go home. The hosts will always kindly offer to call a taxi to those who were driving, in order to take care of the guests' safety.

After the dinner is over, the next day it will be polite of the guests to write or call the hosts and thank them for a wonderful evening.

Ukrainians are very hospitable people, and you will definitely see this when you visit their homes. Just do not forget about these small recommendations - this way you will show your respect to the hosts. – By Alisa Kazka

                               

 Our newest contributor is etiquette authority, Alisa Kazka of Ukraine. Alisa is the founder of the “Way of Living: Etiquette School.” She is an etiquette enthusiast and her expertise as a table stylist may be known to followers of our table setting competition. Engaged in the business of etiquette for more than 5 years now, she teaches adults and children good manners, how to become confident and to be internally free in various life situations, stressing the importance of mutual respect and getting to know other cultures. One of her favorite subjects is the topic of hospitality… high service, dining etiquette and gastronomy. You cab follow Alisa on Instagram: @alisa_kazka or her school, @way.of.living_etiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Ear Pollution and Cell Phone Etiquette

Remember when movie theaters were reserved for film watching and the word “cell” was not a prefix to the word “phone”? Most of us, I should hope, know better than to talk on our cell phones when inside a movie theater.

Cell Phone Use is Out of Control 

REMEMBER when movie theaters were reserved for film watching and the word “cell” was not a prefix to the word “phone”? Most of us, I should hope, know better than to talk on our cell phones when inside a movie theater. However, I recently had the pleasure of sitting near a 20-something-year-old woman who apparently had been raised in a barn and did not grasp such a concept.

Not only did she choose to answer her phone when the movie started playing, but she also stayed inside the theater while doing so. She spoke loudly, all the while ignoring every harsh look I shot her way, signaling that she was distracting me from the movie. But no, she was too preoccupied with making plans to go out with her friend to notice my frustration.

Never mind that we both paid the same $8 to see “Coach Carter.” Never mind that she could have easily stepped out to speak with that very important person about that very serious topic. Never mind that she was on the phone during a movie, or while working out at the gym, or during church.

Maybe our compulsion has something to do with our learned reaction to a ringing home telephone. At home with only our family members, telephone etiquette was not an issue. Whoever was closest picked it up. Plus, you could talk for a long time because the only people who could hear you lived with you and knew everything about you anyway. But those were the days when the phone was wired to the wall or would only work up to 50 feet away from the charger. Now that we all have satellite technology, we seem to be taking that same attitude when we are out somewhere in public.

Cell phones are a recent phenomenon that is peaking at a time when general social standards are declining. Interacting with others was simpler when our pockets were not ringing every minute. Cell phone users do not make the effort to socialize with new people. Instead, we turn to our cell phones at the slightest feeling of insecurity. 

We have all been distracted by a classmate's phone going off during a lecture. Maybe you were that offending student. The professor tries his or her best to keep the focus on the subject, but somehow everyone ends up looking in the direction of the cell phone ring.

If you have felt replaced by someone on the other line of a cell phone only once, you must be living under a rock. Cell phone etiquette may not seem like a big deal until you think of those instances where you were the one being inconvenienced. It is about time that we changed this pattern.

Be civil. The polite approach is to speak first with the person right in front of you. If you must answer a cell phone call in a public place, step outside and look around to make sure you are not invading anyone else's privacy. If you absolutely must answer the phone, keep the conversation short. If they have good cell phone etiquette, the person on the other end should understand.

Those around in the movie theater will appreciate your taking time out from that oh-so-important cell phone. After all, they did not pay $8 to hear you gossip. – Kristi Scott Opinions Editor, Citrus College Clarion, 2005

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Dinner Date Etiquette for 1960’s Teens

A gentleman assists his date with her chair as they leave. He also takes care of the check, leaving a tip for the waitress equal to about 15 per cent of the bill. 

   Etiquette For Dinner Party

Teenagers who are concerned over the etiquette of eating out on their first dinner date will be heartened to learn that only a few simple rules are involved.

Etiquette tips are brought out in an educational film called "Date For Dinner," produced by Kimberly-Clark Corporation. The movie stars a teen-age girl who has been invited on her first dinner date. The movie gives her these hints:

• A gentleman holds the door for the girl and lets her precede him into the restaurant. They both go to the hat check stand where it is proper, if the girl desires, to check her coat. Or, she can keep it and drape it over her chair after she is seated.
• Both wait at the entrance of the dinning room for the hostess to guide them to the table. The hostess goes first, then the girl, and the man follows. Usually the hostess will indicate to the girl the chair that provides the most desir- able view. The girl sits down slowly, giving her escort chance to hold her chair.
• The girl should carry a small purse that rests easily in her lap because she never places her purse on the table. The young man gives both orders to the waitress. A well trained waitress seldom, if ever, asks the girl a direct question,
• If an accident like dropping a fork occurs, it's not the end of the world. It can happen to anyone. The gentleman should call the waitress to pick up the fork and replace it. In any case, the situation should be handled without fuss or undue embarrassment and quickly dropped from the conversation.
• When the meal is finished place the napkin, unfolded, beside the plate. 
• Most boys prefer that girls confine their face fixing to the powder room.
• A gentleman assists his date with her chair as they leave. He also takes care of the check, leaving a tip for the waitress equal to about 15 per cent of the bill. – From the “Date for Dinner” film, 1964

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

More Etiquette, Menus from the White House Cook Book

  

“Delicacy of manner at table stamps both man and woman, for one can, at a glance, discern whether a person has been trained to eat well and to hold the knife and fork properly, to eat without the slightest sound of the lips, to drink quietly, to use the napkin rightly, to make no noise with any of the implements of the table, and last, but not least, to eat slowly and masticate the food thoroughly.” From the White House Cook Book – Above, stereographic card of the White House tables, elaborately set and ready for a dinner in honor of Prince Henry, in 1903

White House Cookbook has a style all its own

One day when I was a little girl, my great grandmother let me look through some of her things. In a stack of her cookbooks, of which there were many, I came across one called “The White House Cookbook” with no author's name. Actually, the book undoubtedly had an author, but it was so old even then some of the pages were missing off the front. Nevertheless, to me this cookbook seemed like one of the greatest treasures a person could have recipes that were really used by the Presidents of the United States. When my grandmother and I were going through my great grandmother’s things after she passed away I found the cookbook again and asked if I could have it. Needless to say, she agreed.

Since then, other cookbooks have come out with collections of Presidential recipes, but none are written in the style of this one. I cannot attest to the President who was in office when it was written, because the copyright date is on one of the missing pages, but I know for sure it was a long time ago.

To celebrate the birthdays of presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, which are coming up next month, I thought it would be fun to share some of the passages of this book with you. Although I find many things about it to be funny today, it is still a special “treasure.”

To prepare one for a Presidential dinner, I suppose, “Small Points on Table Etiquette” is the heading of one of the sections.

It begins, “Delicacy of manner at table stamps both man and woman, for one can, at a glance, discern whether a person has been trained to eat well and to hold the knife and fork properly, to eat without the slightest sound of the lips, to drink quietly, to use the napkin rightly, to make no noise with any of the implements of the table, and last, but not least, to eat slowly and masticate the food thoroughly.”

It goes on to warn, “Be careful to keep the mouth shut closely while masticating the food. It is the opening of the lips which causes the smacking which seems so disgust- ing. Chew your food well, but do it silently, and be careful to take small mouthfuls.”

“Another generally neglected obligation,” it continues, "is that of spreading butter on one's bread as it lies in one's plate, or but slightly lifted at one end of the plate. It is very frequently buttered in the air, bitten in gouges, and still held in the face and eyes of the table with the marks of the teeth on it.

“This is certainly not altogether pleasant, and it is better to cut it, a bit at a time, after buttering it, and put piece by piece in the mouth with one's finger and thumb.”

“Don't when you drink.” it admonishes, “elevate your glass as if you were going to stand it inverted on your nose. Bring the glass perpendicularly to the lips, and then lift it to a slight angle. Do this easily.”

And finally, “One’s teeth are not to be picked at table; but if it is impossible to hinder it, it should be done behind the napkin.”

Why the author found it necessary to give instructions like these to those who might be attending a presidential dinner is a wonder, but it could be a clue to the time it was written. Our forefathers were many terrific things, but they were also rough-hewn pioneers, who were undoubtedly lacking in social graces.

The next section, “Management and Directions of Dinners and Receptions on State Occasions at the White House,” includes a table-seating chart, and instructions written with errors in syntax which would have been “X'd” out by any editor of today. The directions themselves, in fact, lead to humorous speculation.

It begins, “Etiquette as observed in European courts is not known at the White House... The President’s seat is in the middle of the table.” (That must have been a sight.) “The most distinguished guests sit on his right and left. If their wives are present they will occupy these seats, and the gentlemen will be seated next to the President’s wife whose seat is directly opposite the President.” (Considering where the President was sitting, this would have been quite a sight too.)

“Corsage bouquets for ladies consist of not more than 8 large roses tied together by silk ribbon,” (I wonder how many women were trying to wear more than eight?) “with the name of the lady stamped on in gold letters.”

“Gentlemen's boutonnieres consist only of one rosebud.” (Only one. The poor things.)

And, “Liquors, cordials, and cigars are served on a separate table after the ladies have retired to the parlor.”

Times have definitely changed, haven't they? But, why the author felt it necessary to let the reader in on the fact that etiquette found in European courts was not known at the White House, and then clue him in, in the same book, that picking his teeth at the table was not “de rigueur” beats me.

It seems to me that if the reader knew what was going on in European courts he'd also know what to do at table. But then, what do I know?

Mrs. Cleveland's wedding lunch, the books says, was held June 4, 1888 and the menu consisted of  “consommé en tasse (a cup of consommé), soft-shell crabs, Coquilles de Ris de Vean, (rice in sea shells) snipes (a wading bird) on toast, lettuce and tomato salad, fancy ice cream, cakes, tea, coffee, fruits and mottos.”

Now, I really don't know what else “mottos” would be but little sayings to live by, a serving custom which, if popular then, has definitely fallen into disuse at luncheons I've attended recently as have snipes, come to think about it tut, tut, what a pity.

The wines served are still quite “the thing” however Chateau d’Iquem is possibly the most expensive dessert wine available today, at $175 a bottle. And, Moet and Chandon champagne is still very popular.

Unfortunately, the book does not list a menu for Lincoln’s Birthday, I don't know why. But here is one for Washington’s Birthday oysters on the half shell, mock turtle soup, baked white fish with béchamel sauce, boiled turkey with oyster sauce, boiled sweet potatoes, stewed tomatoes, scalloped onions, salmi of game (a highly seasoned dish of game partly roasted then stewed in wine), olives, Bavarian Cream, Washington Pie, marble cake, variegated jelly (a three- layered molded gelatin), candied fruits, raisins, nuts and coffee.

The coffee recipe is kind of different.

COFFEE

“One full coffee cup full of ground coffee, stirred with one egg and part of the shell, adding a half cupful of cold water. Put it into the coffee boiler, and pour on to it a quart of boiling water. As it rises and begins to boil, stir it down with a silver spoon or fork. Boil hard for 10 or 12 minutes. Remove from the fire and pour out a cupful of coffee, then pour back into the coffee pot. Place it on the back of the stove or range where it will keep hot (and not boil); it will settle in about 5 minutes. Send to the table hot. Serve with good cream and lump sugar. Three-quarters of a pound of Java and 4 pound of Mocha make the best mixture of coffee.”

And here is the recipe for Washington Pie:

WASHINGTON PIE (Like a Boston Cream Pie)

“Cream Part Put on a pint of milk to boil. Break 2 eggs into a dish and add 1 cup of sugar and a cup of flour previously mixed. After beating well, stir it into the milk just as the milk commences to boil; add 1½ ounces butter and keep on stirring one way until it thickens. Flavor with vanilla or lemon.

“Crust Part (a cake) 3 eggs beaten separately, 1 cup of granu- lated sugar, 1½ cups of sifted flour, 1 large teaspoonful of baking powder and 2 tablespoonfuls of milk or water. Divide the batter in half and bake in 2 medium-sized pie tins. Bake in a rather quick oven to a straw color. When done and cool, split each one in half with a sharp broad-bladed knife, and spread half the cream between each.

Serve cold. The cake part should be flavored the same as the custard." As you can see this recipe leaves a bit to the imagination. But, try it if you like. They also suggest serving the pie very cold with a dish of strawberries or raspberries. – By Patty Brown, Desert Sun Food Editor, 1985

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Menus in White House Book

Many of the menus, recipes, and health, household and beauty hints in the new book were in the original, published in 1887. The authors were White House steward Hugo Ziemann and Mrs. Fanny Gillette, a domestic science expert. On the etiquette question, they wrote: “Absolute suppression of emotion, whether of anger, laughter, mortification, or disappointment, is one of the most certain marks of good breeding.” On avoiding wrinkles: “The best advice is to go on a diet of milk, beer, and cake in order to grow fat and thus extend the skin to its full tightness.” Presumably, the same end could be accomplished if one received invitations to Martin Van Buren’s “small, beautifully appointed and snobbish dinners” prepared by the chef he’s brought from London.

Cook’s White House Tour and 

The White House Cookbook

NEW YORK (UPI) — Calvin Coolidge was so thrifty a president that he limited the quantity of ice water and the number of paper cups in which to serve it at official White House receptions. “Silent Cal” told an aide he took this step so guests would not stand around all evening drinking instead of going home. Coolidge was by no means the only penurious president, according to Janet Halliday Ervin’s “The White House Cockbook” (Follett). James K. Polk’s first lady, Sarah, served no refreshments at all at twice weekly White House receptions, but set a good table at home in Tennessee. A Christmas dinner menu for the Polk menage there consisted of oyster soup, celery, turkey, homemade wafers, ham, spiced round salsify (a root vegetable), caramel sweet potatoes, pickles, rice, cranberry sauce, blazing plum pudding, wine jelly, charlotte russe, grapefruit salad, fruit cake, nuts, raisins, wine and coffee. 

Old But Good

Many of the menus, recipes, and health, household and beauty hints in the new book were in the original, published in 1887. The authors were White House steward Hugo Ziemann and Mrs. Fanny Gillette, a domestic science expert. Some of the health and etiquette advice would give nightmares to modem physicians and psychiatrists. On the etiquette question, they wrote: “Absolute suppression of emotion, whether of anger, laughter, mortification, or disappointment, is one of the most certain marks of good breeding.” On avoiding wrinkles: “The best advice is to go on a diet of milk, beer, and cake in order to grow fat and thus extend the skin to its full tightness.” Presumably, the same end could be accomplished if one received invitations to Martin Van Buren’s “small, beautifully appointed and snobbish dinners” prepared by the chef he’s brought from London. Even this didn’t satisfy some guests. One winter, guests were said to have complained about the monotony of the menus and entertainment. 

Official entertaining reached what the author calls “a new high” during the Buchanan administration. It began with this menu at the inaugural ball: 400 gallons of oysters, 60 saddles of mutton, 4 saddles of venison, 125 beef tongues, 75 hames, 500 quarts each of chicken salad and jellies, 1,200 quarts of ice cream, a four-foot cake and $3,000 worth of wine. The Ulysses S. Grants also lived well. Among three menus included from Grant’s administration was one for a birthday dinner for the president. It began with clams, continued to crab soup, assorted appetizers, fish, beef filet, chicken, veal sweetbreads and squab, each with appropriate vegetables or fruit; several desserts, coffee and four different wines with the first four courses. The Grant family’s interest in food didn’t stop with their White House days. After the Russian Revolution, the president’s granddaughter and her husband, a former Russian count opened a restaurant in London.

Fit for a President, Chicken a la Russe, a favorite recipe of Princess Cantacuzene, granddaughter of President Grant, is not for weight watchers. “Take two to four spring chickens plucked and cleaned, cleaned. Rub them over with flour and salt and fill them with the following stuffing: 24 tea rusks, well crushed; 2 or 3 tablespoonfuls of butter, 1 or 2 egg yolks and 6 tablespoonfuls of parsley. All these ingredients well mixed together. Then roast the stuffed chickens in a half pound of butter. When ready, serve them with melted butter in which a good quantity of tea rusk crumbs have been mixed. This butter is poured over as a sauce. Serves six persons.” – By Jeanne Lesem, UPI Food Editor, 1964

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age “400’s” Etiquette Mistakes

I dropped into a very fashionable place at luncheon the other day and I got to wondering if the “400” didn't make mistakes too. So I asked Charlie – everybody knows Charlie. “Yes,” he said. “Some- times they asked me for a table near the door. Sometimes they call me ‘Captain.’ Sometimes they even use the wrong fork. But it’s easy to tell them from the new rich, because the 400 is very quiet and easy to serve. Real people never make themselves conspicuous.” – Above, a depiction of men and women outside the famous Delmonico’s restaurant in New York.

“Your orders, madam?”, Jeffries would ask in his beautiful English voice… 

Mistakes in Etiquette the 400 Make…

Daughter of Boss-Painter, Now High in New York Society, Tells How Social Blunders Are Made and Avoided 

Can someone of humble birth, being suddenly rich, win a place in the best society and act as “to the manor born”?

A poor girl, whose father was a painter and whose mother was a telephone operator, says it isn't hard at all to climb to the top rung of the social ladder and avoid faux pas. (And, by the way, she really did pronounce it fo pa.). For her helpful story of her conquest of society and etiquette, which appears in full in January Smart Set, we print these amusing extracts:

“It wasn't so hard to avoid social errors while we were traveling on my honeymoon. Everything was new and we moved about. constantly. The only thing that annoyed me was the restaurants. ‘What would you like to order, darling?’ my husband would say. I honestly did not know what to order. It always embarrassed me, and I got around it by saying: ‘Oh, you order. Surprise me.’ I learned from him how to order in public and I watched him like a hawk to see which knife and which fork he used.

“How those menus did confuse me. At first, I couldn’t think of a thing but beefsteak and French fried potatoes. But soon I learned to look over the Entrées. I discovered ‘chicken-hash, en bordure,’ ‘eggs Benedict’ with that delicious Hollandaise sauce, and a mixed grill - the tender little lamb chop cuddled among a tomato, mushroom, kidney, bacon and sausage.

“They soon became my favorite luncheon dishes, with hearts of lettuce with Russian dressing. I think I liked the Russian dressing on account of its beautiful pink color. Then I became bold and changed the dressing. I fell easily into selecting soup or oysters perhaps broiled chicken or one of the dishes marked ‘Ready.’ Then sweet - that meant dessert – and I loved chocolate ice-cream. I soon stopped saying ‘small black’ for after-dinner coffee and ‘demi- tasse’ rolled off my tongue as if we had always had coffee in the drawing-room at home.

“Supper! At first when I went out to supper with my husband, I was always torn between a club-sandwich or fruit salad. That had been the thing we ordered when we went out to supper in the old studio days with a ‘beau.’ But after watching Ed it didn't take me long to order lobster a la Newburg - again the pink color intrigued me - or crab meat Dewey.”

She Meets Lord Jeffries

“However, these problems were no laughing matters in those days. Further problems would await me when I got home, and walked into the beautiful house my husband had brought me into. Jeffries, the English butler who had lived with him for years and I was sure was nothing less than a United States Senator when I first saw him, frightened me almost to death, ‘Your orders for the morning, madam?’ he would ask in his beautiful English voice. Those pesky orders - would I ever get away from them? But Jeffries understood. How kind and gentle he was in his unoffensive suggestions and his many subtle moves to me from making glaring mistakes in front of the rest of the servants.” – National City Star-News, 1924

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Salad Dressing Etiquette from Gorham

“Fifth: Mix very quickly with silver, china, glass or wooden utensils.” – In the Gilded Age, utensil design proliferated to its zenith. New utensils were designed for dining elegantly and in style. Forks specifically for eating salads were introduced in 1885. Sporting unusual tines and each with a unique design, they were perfect for holding on to several varying sized pieces of the salad’s components. By the 1960’s, salad forks had become so generic in size and shape, no longer were they unique, but merely looked like smaller and wider versions of the dinner forks. This fork is in the 1953, Decor pattern, by Gorham. It was one of the last beautiful and unique designs in salad forks.

Certain Rules

Certain rules for salad dressing are well to observe:

• First: Have suitable ingredients and condiments.
• Second: Mix carefully.
• Third: In regular order.
• Fourth: Serve most salads very cold.
• Fifth: Mix very quickly with silver, china, glass or wooden utensils.
• Sixth: Garnish with something that will afford a contrast and at the same time be suitable to eat.
• Seventh: In serving salads, serve rich salads for luncheon and supper. Serve light salads for dinner or for tea.
• In America we are apt to use mayonnaise dressing for everything, but in England and France, they serve French dressings with fish or fowl and most vegetables. Cauliflower and tomatoes are nice with mayonnaise dressing.
• In the dressing no flavor should predominate.
• When a salad is served, no oil should ever remain at the bottom of the bowl.

From the book, “ Ninety-Nine Salads and How to Make Them, with Rules for Dressing & Sauce,” by Gorham

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Etiquette for Invites, Attire

Some brides do invite the officiating clergyman and his wife to the reception, if they are socially acquainted and congenial; however, more often, I believe this is not done. Neither the officiating clergymen nor his wife should attend unless specifically invited.

Going Uninvited to a Wedding & Men’s Wedding Attire

Question: “Is a minister’s wife expected to attend the wedding of a member of her husband’s congregation when her husband has been asked to perform the ceremony and she has received no formal invitation?”

Answer: She should not attend unless formally invited. Some brides do invite the officiating clergyman and his wife to the reception, if they are socially acquainted and congenial; however, more often, I believe this is not done. Neither the officiating clergymen nor his wife should attend unless specifically invited.

At home weddings, the clergyman should definitely be asked to remain and share the refreshments, even though no invitation was sent to him and his wife and whether he was, until that time, a stranger to the bride and her parents.

A formal invitation should not be sent to the clergyman unless his wife’s name is included. In fact, no invitation should be sent to a man unless his wife’s name is included and vice versa. This is correct even when the bride and groom know only the husband or the wife. To omit either a husband’s or a wife’s name from a wedding invitation is a grave broach of etiquette. If you feel odd about inviting someone you have never met, ‘tis better to omit both.

Question: May the bridegroom, best man and ushers wear tuxedos at a simple wedding ceremony taking place at 7 or 7:30 in the evening? The bride plans to wear a bridal gown and veil.

Answer: Surely, you may wear dinner jackets (tuxedos), especially if the bride will wear a dinner dress or even if she wears a wedding dress and veil made along simple lines. A formal evening wedding requires formal evening clothes – swallow-tail coat, etc… – Good Taste By Francine Markel, 1945

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Calling Etiquette

 As strict as the etiquette of calling was, an even stricter set of etiquette was in place for calling cards. “When a call is made on the hostess’ “day at home” no card is sent in. In leaving the caller puts on the hall tray her card and one of her husband's for the hostess and each gentleman in the house.” –Image source, Etiquipedia private library

If a lady driving with a friend stops to pay visits en route, she will not take her friend into the house where she goes to call unless she is a young lady not paying calls on her own responsibility, or unless there is some special reason for making her and the hostess acquainted. Husbands do not often accompany their wives in calling, though there is no reason why they should not do so if they feel inclined.

Sunday calling has an etiquette of its own. It is not at all correct to pay ceremonious visits on that day and first calls should never be made. Intimate friends constantly call on Sunday, when the hours are from 3 to 6. But for a mere acquaintance to call on Sunday would be nothing short of a liberty and would properly be looked on as such, unless he or she had been specially invited to do so.

If a lady should be dressing to go out or expecting the carriage to take her somewhere where she has an engagement the servant should mention the fact to callers. If their desire to see her, even for a moment or two, is very great they may come in for a short call on hearing such an intimation, but should leave as soon as possible. It is, however, more considerate not to enter under such circumstances. but merely to leave cards.

It sometimes happens that a lady is acquainted only with the daughters of the house and not with their mother. In that case her first call should be made on the daughters, who would introduce her to their mother, if she were at home. If she were not, a card would be left for her and she would return the call in person. Frequently when a mother is elderly or an invalid her daughters have to make her calls for her.

When a call is made on the hostess’ “day at home” no card is sent in. In leaving the caller puts on the hall tray her card and one of her husband's for the hostess and each gentleman in the house. Only in making a business call is it necessary for a woman to send in her card or when she calls some time other than the hostess’ regular day for receiving.

It is usual to inform a servant before calling hours whether the mistress of the house will be at home to visitors that day or not. The formula, “Not at home,” is so well understood in society to mean “not receiving visitors,” that it is not taken to mean “out of the house.” But as servants are sometimes ignorant of this fact and have scruples about uttering a statement which appears to them untruthful, it is as well to explain the matter or see that they understand it. – Chicago News, 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette with No Waiters or Footmen

If one is hosting or hostessing a large dinner party, without anyone else serving the food but yourself, it can be difficult to “plate” the food in an impressive or decorative manner. Do try your best to make the food look delicious if you’ll be passing plates of food yourself at the table.

 

 

 

Serving One’s Guests at the Table

At a dinner party, if there are no waiters, the host should serve those nearest to him and the party receiving will pass it down to the furthest away on that side of the table. The hostess and host at such a dinner are generally served last. 

Where there are waiters or footmen, the service commences with the guests of honor and then in rotation down to the foot of the table. – From the San Francisco Call, 1902

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pettiness Interfered with Graciousness

The Lady acted in an unladylike manner by publicly cutting the widow… Lady Geddes wouldn’t receive the widow of Terence MacSwiney herself, and she wouldn’t even associate herself with her hostess? It is a curious state of mind.– Public domain image of widow, Muriel MacSwiney, the left-wing activist and Irish republican, in December 1920

Petty Lady Geddes and the Widow MacSwiney

THE British Ambassador in Washington should speak to his wife. He should give a few kindly words of advice to the Lady Geddes. She resigned as a Patroness of the Washington Opera because one of the other patronesses has been too gracious a hostess of Mrs. Muriel MacSwiney. Perhaps there is some hidden point of etiquette in this that would be obvious to English society, but is not so apparent to Washington.

We don't know about these things. The lady feels her caste – and caste is a strange thing. It comes from the Portuguese word casta, meaning “pure.” In India one of lower caste cannot approach a member of higher caste except as a menial; the touch of an inferior is equivalent to pollution. Perhaps it is this sort of reasoning that sponsors the action of Lady Geddes. She wouldn’t receive the widow of Terence MacSwiney herself, and she won't even associate herself with her hostess. It is a curious state of mind.

Of course, Terence MacSwiney died in jail - in stubborn rebellion against the British government. And though some people consider him a martyr, Lady Geddes and her friends must look upon him as an idiot, a fanatic, a traitor, or at least a very foolish man. Or there may be other reasons. The Lady Geddes’ objections to Mrs. MacSwiney may be social and not political. She is the wife of a very successful, self-made man who made himself a power in England by remaining alive and working. 

Mrs. MасSwiney is the widow of another man who never made a material success of life and whose greatest power has come through his death. Lady Geddes must see that there is considerable difference here. And so she refuses to be linked in society with a simple Irish widow – of which there is an increasing number in the world. But Ambassador Geddes, if he cares at all for American popularity, should have a confidential little chat with his wife. She needs it. – San Francisco Call, December, 1920

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Portuguese Etiquette and Regicide

 Seven magnificent royal palaces are kept up, with all the expense involved In the constant transfers of the large Court from one place to another. The Court itself is a hierarchy and has a ceremonial etiquette second only to that of Russia and Austria, and the personnel is certainly larger than that of Germany.– Public domain image of ‘The 1908 Regidice of Lisbon, as depicted in the French’ “Le Petit Journal”

Portuguese Throne Tottering to Fall

Political Observers See Storm Cloud Coming to Wash Away Monarchy

Campaign Against Royal Family Will Be Made Openly at the Polls

LISBON, Feb. 25. - Whether or not a republic is eventually to supplant the monarchy in Portugal, it is practically the unanimous opinion here that the country soon will witness a violent political struggle, in which the life of the Monarchy may be at stake. The comparative tranquillity since the assassinations is simply a breathing spell in which the forces of the monarchy on the one hand and of popular government on the other are being marshaled for the fray. 

Since the assassinations of King Carlos and Crown Prince Luiz, the republicans have been joined by the dissident progressivists and they intend to make their campaign for a change of regime openly in the coming electoral contest. The exposure of political corruption, the manner in which an army of clients was maintained at the expense of the public treasury and above all the secret advances made to the royal family, they claim, have destroyed forever the prestige of the monarchy. 

Disinterested opinion, however, does not consider Portugal ripe for a republic: it believes, in fact, that the country under a popular regime in the present backward state of the masses would become a prey of the ambitions of politicians and like the Central American republics would be without stability.

KING'S COURSE DANGEROUS

Under present circumstances the course of the young King is most dangerous, as he has placed the destiny of the throne in the hands of the leaders of the two discredited old parties, men whose past prevents them from meeting their adversaries in the open field of political discussion, and who, the people will insist, must be disciplined.

The real weakness of the Monarchy in Portugal seems to be that it is top heavy. With its territory shrunken, its wealth withered, the people crushed by taxation, the national credit bankrupt 15 years ago, the bureaucracy and the Court are maintained on a scale almost as extensive as in the days of Portuguese world dominion and splendor.

Seven magnificent royal palaces are kept up, with all the expense involved In the constant transfers of the large Court from one place to another. The Court itself is a hierarchy and has a ceremonial etiquette second only to that of Russia and Austria, and the personnel is certainly larger than that of Germany.

MUST PRUNE EXPENSES

It is here that the pruning hook must be applied in the reorganization of a country where half the taxes collected go to pay the interest on the state debt.

The students at the universities, as in Russia and other countries where revolution is being agitated, are playing a considerable role in Portugal, and as another factor in the situation the church may become prominent. The people are Catholic, but not clerical.

Foreign Intervention to sustain the Monarchy is not anticipated. Both Spain, the neighbor, and Great Britain, which practically dominated the foreign policies of Portugal, would undoubtedly like to see the present regime sustained. as would possibly other powers whose subjects have business interests in this country, but Great Britain, it is believed, would not attempt to interfere with the internal policies of the country.- The San Francisco Call, 1909

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Utensil Signals

Using Utensil Placement 

to

Send Signals to Servers

A Second Debut of a Very Popular Article from 2019

Misinformation abounds on the internet.  This is just as true with etiquette information as it is with any other subject.

When I saw a graphic circulating on social media depicting the positions of dining utensils to signal a message to a server, I had to set the record straight. In fact, fellow Etiquette Enthusiast and Educator, Maura Graber, site moderator and editor of Etiquipedia(c) Etiquette Encyclopedia has been fighting an uphill battle to call attention to a particular false  infographic that appears on dozens of websites in the U.S. and other countries where knives and forks are used. 

The graphic I am referring to illustrates five positions in which you can place your knife and fork to relay a message to your server.  (Two, the Pausing and Finished shown above are correct.)

Three of the five positions illustrated demonstrate very poor etiquette and are actually rude to the server.  

From the Server’s Perspective

The job of your server is to receive your food and drink order, deliver it to your table when ready, and take your plate away when you are finished eating.

Servers are busy -- juggling multiple tables and lots of information truly does take talent.  The “pause” and “finished” utensil positions let her know at a glance whether your table has plates to be removed, or if she can continue with other tasks.

Utensils placed in the “paused” or “resting” position let your server know you are not finished eating and your plate does not need to be removed.

Utensils placed in the “finished” position let your server know you have finished eating and she may take your plate.

Neither of these utensil signals require verbal communication for your server to know what action to take.  In other words, they make your server’s job easier and prevent additional disruptions in your table conversation.

Two – and Only Two - Signals

Dining etiquette involves not only proper use of your utensils while eating, but using them to signal information that makes dining pleasant for everyone. 

Servers appreciate you letting them know what assistance you require from them.  And non-verbal signals are a small but significant part of civilized dining.

However, the only signals your server needs to receive via utensil placement is whether you are pausing during your meal, or whether you are finished with your meal.  There is no tradition anywhere that requires any other signals.  Attempting to do so only causes confusion.

I am joining Ms. Graber and other informed etiquette consultants urging you to ignore any image teaching inappropriate communication to diners and restaurant servers.  Won’t you join us?  

You can download the infographic here that shows correct and incorrect utensil placement signals.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia