Etiquette and Those You Don’t Enjoy

Navigating Social Situations with

People You Don't Enjoy

Image Source: milkos; "Bad Date.", 2023. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_161891686, Standard License.

We've all been there — stuck at a networking event, family gathering, or workplace function with people you don't enjoy spending time with. Whether they're acquaintances who rub you the wrong way or new connections that simply don't click, etiquette requires us to maintain civil, respectful behavior even when every fiber of our being wants to escape. The good news? With the right strategies, you can navigate these uncomfortable social situations with grace and dignity.

Understanding the Challenge

When you encounter people you don't enjoy being around, your body often signals distress before your mind catches up. You might feel yourself tense up, experience a sense of dread, or mentally transport yourself anywhere but where you currently stand. These are normal reactions, but they don't have to control your behavior or compromise your professional reputation.

Essential Mindfulness Techniques

The foundation for managing interactions with people you don't enjoy lies in mindfulness. Practice these grounding techniques:

• Breathe deeply through your nose, allowing oxygen to calm your nervous system. Exhale slowly and deliberately — but avoid audible sighing, which can signal impatience or discomfort to others. This simple breathing pattern helps regulate your emotional response and maintains your composure.

• Practice active, attentive listening by focusing genuinely on what the other person is saying rather than planning your escape. This keeps you anchored in the present moment and paradoxically makes the interaction pass more quickly. When you're truly engaged, you'll also spot natural conversation endpoints that allow for polite exits.

• Maintain your composure by checking your body language. Keep your facial expressions neutral to pleasant, avoid crossing your arms defensively, and resist the urge to look at your phone or scan the room for better options.

Conversation Strategies for Difficult Interactions

Once you've centered yourself, employ these tactical approaches in navigating conversation:

• Start positively when entering shared spaces. A simple, genuine opener like "I hope your drive was pleasant" or "It's good to see you" sets a cordial tone that makes the entire interaction easier to manage.

• Find common ground or shared goals, especially in professional settings. Even with people you don't enjoy, you likely share some connection — whether it's a work project, mutual acquaintance, or common interest. Focusing on these neutral territories keeps conversations productive and less personal.

• Redirect skillfully when conversations veer into uncomfortable territory. Use a light touch to change subjects: "That reminds me, did you hear about..." or "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask someone about..."

• Employ validating phrases like "That's interesting" or "I hadn't considered that perspective" to acknowledge contributions without necessarily agreeing. 

• Challenge your negative thoughts when they arise. Notice when you're thinking critically about someone and consciously counter it with something neutral or positive. This internal practice prevents negativity from seeping into your expression or tone.

Cultivating Compassion

Perhaps the most powerful tool for managing people you don't enjoy is compassion. Remember that everyone carries invisible burdens — social anxiety, low self-esteem, personal struggles, or simply feeling out of place. The person irritating you might be deeply uncomfortable themselves, expressing their discomfort in ways that don't resonate with you.

We don't always know another person's full story, despite assumptions made through workplace gossip or first impressions. Ask open-ended questions that invite storytelling: "How did you get started in your field?" or "What's been the highlight of your week?" You might discover surprising common ground or qualities worth appreciating.

The Professional Standard

Regardless of personal feelings, maintaining professional dignity is non-negotiable. This means never using coarse language, avoiding confrontational behavior, and treating everyone with basic respect. Your reputation depends not on how you treat people you like, but on how you treat people you don't enjoy.

Finding Perspective

Sometimes, the qualities that bother us in others reflect aspects of ourselves we haven't fully accepted. Other times, people simply handle situations differently than we would. Extending grace acknowledges that we're all imperfect, all doing our best with the tools and awareness we have.

By keeping interactions civil, polite, and when possible, brief, you protect your own peace while honoring etiquette's fundamental principle: treating all people with dignity, regardless of personal preference.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Camping

Camping Etiquette Guidelines

Camping etiquette guidelines are important to know whether you’re an outdoor enthusiast or planning your first weekend in the woods.  These rules will help keep you safe and keep you in good standing with Mother Nature – as well as your campsite neighbors.

Respect the Space

Respect is the foundation of etiquette, and this is most important to remember when spending time in nature.  You are a guest in Mother Nature’s house, and your decisions and actions in how you treat her space can have many consequences.

• Enter lightly and don’t litter.  Bring only what you need to make your time at the campsite comfortable.  The more you bring, the more disruptive you may be to the natural environment.  And the more likely you are to leave something behind.  Make sure you leave your camping space just as you found it.  Clean and natural.
  
  
• Put the fire out.  Campfires are lots of fun!  So many memories are made when sitting around them with people you love.  But campfires can easily turn into forest fires if not extinguished correctly.  Before leaving your campsite or turning in for the night, pour water on it and ensure that nothing within the ashes and embers is still burning or hot.
  
  
• Don’t feed the animals.  It’s adorable when a cute forest animal comes into your campsite and acts friendly.  But it’s not a good thing.  Animals in nature need to belong to their natural world, not to our human world.  Avoid the temptation to make friends with them by feeding them.  Be sure your food is stored away where it cannot be found or accessed by animals.  And make sure all trash is placed in appropriate receptacles or stored away so that critters can’t get to it.
  
  
• Follow the path.  Many campgrounds have driveways and paths winding through them.  These are the driving and walking areas you should stay on.  It’s best not to venture off unless you know the area well, have a valid reason, or take a guided tour.  If you do, you could be putting yourself or someone else in danger.
  
  
• Don’t bring in or take away firewood.  Transporting firewood from one area to another can cause insect infestation that may not have otherwise occurred.  Beetles, moths, and other insects that live in wood in one area now have the opportunity to live and breed in another if you move the wood in which they live.  Most campgrounds or nearby stores sell firewood you can use at your site.  You can learn more at dontmovefirewood.org.

Mind Your Noise Level

When you have a large group camping together, it can easily slide into a party.  This is great, so long as it doesn’t disturb others.  Others being people and animals.

If you are planning a campsite party, check in with other campers near you and let them know they may hear your group.  You may invite them to join you as a courtesy, but definitely invite them to tell you if the noise level is disturbing to them.

A large number of people together in a limited space can get pretty rowdy when a good time is had by all.  Place a time limit on your party so that everyone has an expectation of when things should quiet down.

Keep your music volume at a minimum by bringing your own acoustic instruments.  Modern technology affords us the convenience of using speakers that are only inches in size, but you still need to keep watch on the volume level.

Other Camping Etiquette Rules

If you are camping with children or pets, or both, it is most important to adhere to the rule of staying together.  Educate your children on the rules of nature, as well as the rules of camping etiquette.  However, this is best done when spending time together outdoors rather than conveying instructions.

Know your pets well before deciding to bring them along on a camping trip.  Dogs who bark easily at other people and animals may not be the best campers.  The same goes for those who tend to wander away. 

The camping etiquette guidelines above are important for safety and helping to preserve our natural environment.  But use them in addition to the rules you see posted in the campground in which you are staying.  Each environment of every area and region varies and, therefore, may vary in the rules necessary to keep that environment preserved and safe for campers.

Remember that respect is the key – always.  If you respect the space you’re visiting and the people and animals in your vicinity, your camping etiquette skills will be spot on.  And you can be assured that Mother Nature will continue to welcome you to her home.

 

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Smartwatch Etiquette

One of the technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

Checking Your Smartwatch 

During Mealtime

If you’ve read my blog articles or attended one of my classes, you’ve probably read or heard me say that technology is helpful, as long as it is used courteously.

One of the newest technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

However, there is a downside to glancing at your smartwatch that is common to glancing at any watch: it relays the impression that you’re checking the time because you’d rather be doing something else. And depending on who you’re dining with, the degree of this downside could be pretty steep.

Avoiding Distractions

The point of sharing a meal with your family, friends, or someone special is to enjoy the food served while simultaneously enjoying the pleasure of good company and conversation. It stands to reason that electronic devices do not fit in this scenario.

Before smartwatches, you could keep your silenced phone off the table and put away to prevent distractions. But now, it’s instinctual and tempting to look at your wrist when you feel a buzz because you know something is happening. A text? A call? Social media or email announcement?

Who can resist glancing, especially if you’ve been recently engaged prior to whatever is happening in the present moment?

Essentially, smartwatch etiquette requires more vigilance than other mobile devices. Silencing or removing them altogether may be necessary, especially if you are attending an important lunch or dinner where other guests need your undivided attention.

Yielding to Temptation

Depending on the occasion and the people you are with, it’s acceptable to glance at your watch to check the time or see what’s streaming onto your wrist. As long as there is no individual or group face-to-face interaction going on at the time, glancing at your watch is helpful and requires less attention than having your cell phone out.

But keep in mind: just as you would never place your cell phone on the table (as third parties aren’t invited), don’t be fooled into thinking the interruption of smartwatches won’t be noticed by others. Even though table etiquette dictates the personal space of each diner, as I tell my students, “eyeballs don’t follow property right observances.”

So, you might think the occasional glance at your smartwatch isn’t noticed, but it is! Especially if you glance frequently at it. That someone will conclude you aren’t interested in what’s going on at the table will eventually happen.

Noticing Others

What should you do when you notice someone glancing at their phone often at dinner? What are your boundaries of propriety and politeness?

At work or in business: 

• If it’s a co-worker, that person may count on you to have his or her back. “John, as a heads up, I noticed the boss was looking your way a lot a lunch today—and it happened that every time you were glancing at your smartwatch.”
• Try to step aside from judging others as they might be a new owner of a smartwatch and might still be adjusting to their own distractions.
• Customers are observant and in business you would never want another person to think that your smartwatch is more important than interactions with him. It takes only one mistake to lose a customer.

At home: 

• As a parent of the lucky youngster who has a smartwatch, your responsibility is to set clear boundaries about paying proper attention to others at the table. 
• After-dinner discussions of what you observed will help your child become more mindful of the distraction. Stress that you are counting on her to manage her behavior and leave good impressions with others.
• Be a role model. Train yourself not to glance at your own smart watch.
• Spouses and partners should help each other by giving feedback on what is observed. It’s helpful to ask for a time to share feedback and how you felt when the person kept glancing at her phone.

You never want to convey the message that another person is boring. The best thing you can always do when sharing a meal is to give your undivided attention to the humans at the table rather than the electronic device on your wrist or in your pocket.

“The hours of folly are measured by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure.”~ William Blake 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Using Last Names

Why We Should Use Last Names in
Professional and Social Settings

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Over the past quarter-century, something fundamental has shifted in how Americans address one another. The decision to use last names has become increasingly rare, replaced by an immediate first-name basis that many find presumptuous. Walk into a doctor's office, meet a service provider, or introduce yourself to a colleague, and you'll likely hear your first name used within seconds of meeting. For many people raised with different standards of formality, this casual approach feels less like friendliness and more like a breach of etiquette.

Commander Adam Benson, a retired Naval officer, articulates what many feel but struggle to express: the erosion of formal address represents more than a simple change in linguistic habit. It reflects a broader shift in how we signal respect, maintain boundaries, and navigate social hierarchies in professional and casual settings alike.

The Social Function of Formal Address

The practice to use last names with honorifics serves several important social functions that immediate first-name basis interactions cannot replicate.

When you use last names, you create a respectful distance that allows relationships to develop naturally. Addressing someone as "Mr. Rodriguez," "Ms. Nelson," or "Dr. Chen" acknowledges that intimacy is earned rather than assumed. This distance isn't coldness; it's consideration. It recognizes that trust, familiarity, and affection grow over time through shared experiences and mutual regard.

To use last names also demonstrates basic respect for another person's station, accomplishments, and dignity. A judge who has spent decades serving the legal system, a professor who has earned advanced degrees, or simply an adult who deserves recognition as such — all merit the small courtesy of formal address until they invite otherwise.

Perhaps most importantly, the permission to use someone's first name becomes meaningful precisely because it isn't automatic. When we consistently use last names initially, the invitation to "Please, call me Jennifer" becomes a genuine gesture of warmth and welcome rather than a meaningless default.

When Society Stopped Using Last Names: A Generational Shift

Those who came of age in earlier decades learned a clear protocol: use last names and appropriate honorifics with adults and new acquaintances until invited to do otherwise. This wasn't stiffness or snobbery; it was simply how respect was demonstrated across generations and between people of different levels of familiarity.

Today's prevailing culture champions informality as a sign of openness and egalitarianism. The thinking goes that first names break down barriers, create friendly atmospheres, and prevent stuffy hierarchies from taking root. While genuine warmth certainly matters, informality imposed without choice isn't really egalitarian at all.

When the new contractor at your home launches immediately into calling you by your first name, or when a teenager addresses an adult they've just met as "Steve" rather than "Mr. Thompson," they may simply be oblivious to the preferences and comfort levels of others. The choice not to use last names becomes presumptuous when made unilaterally.

How to Use Last Names in Today's Informal Culture

How can those who prefer to use last names navigate today's first-name-default culture without seeming standoffish or outdated?

Commander Benson offers a practical example. While technically entitled to be addressed by his military rank, he accepts "Mr. Benson" as meeting the basic level of respect he seeks. This represents a reasonable compromise — maintaining formality without insisting on every ceremonial nicety.

When meeting new people, model the behavior you'd like to see. Introduce yourself with your full name and use last names for others until they indicate their preference. If someone immediately uses your first name, you might gently say, "I prefer Mr. Benson, at least until we know each other better." Most people, when clearly informed of a preference, will honor it.

In professional settings, defaulting to the practice to use last names remains especially appropriate. Business introductions, client relationships, and workplace hierarchies all benefit from the clarity and respect that formal address provides.

Teaching Children to Use Last Names

Another concern about immediate first-name usage involves children addressing adults. Unless an adult explicitly requests to be called by their first name, teaching children to use last names with appropriate titles instills several valuable lessons.

When children learn to use last names — "Mr. Lee," "Ms. Gupta," "Dr. Patterson" — they develop respect for elders, awareness that different contexts call for different behaviors, and understanding that not all relationships operate on the same level of familiarity. These aren't antiquated notions; they're building blocks of social intelligence that serve young people well throughout their lives.

Parents and educators who teach children to use last names when addressing adults give them a significant advantage in navigating formal settings, job interviews, academic environments, and professional relationships as they mature.

The Professional Advantage of Using Last Names

In business contexts, the decision to use last names can convey professionalism, respect, and appropriate boundaries. When meeting clients, potential employers, or senior colleagues for the first time, choosing to use last names demonstrates social awareness and respect for hierarchy and experience.

Many professionals find that when they use last names initially, they're taken more seriously and establish credibility more quickly. The transition to first names can then occur naturally as working relationships develop, making that shift meaningful rather than assumed.

Use Last Names to Preserve Choice and Respect

The practice to use last names need not represent stuffiness or social rigidity. At its best, formal address is a gift we give others: the acknowledgment that their comfort, dignity, and preferences matter. In a culture that increasingly defaults to immediate informality, maintaining the option to use last names preserves choice, respects boundaries, and allows the transition to first names to carry genuine meaning when it comes.

Whether you're navigating professional introductions, teaching children proper etiquette, or simply trying to show respect in daily interactions, the choice to use last names offers a time-tested tool for demonstrating consideration and building relationships on solid foundations of mutual respect.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Are Good Manners Antiquated? No!

Behaving Well is Not an Antiquated Idea

A Second Debut Article by Candace Smith!

Showing up in a polite, positive, or good way means that you are behaving well. Adults enjoy seeing children who mind their manners; children form etiquette-ful habits and behaviors from the example of adults; and everyone appreciates the kindnesses shown by others. 

Yet, as an etiquette instructor, I hear comments about how etiquette skills are antiquated in modern society.  Ironically, this perception only holds when people, and those around them, are behaving well. 

Tradition

Custom may inform us on how to govern, manage or conduct ourselves, and it’s wise to observe the local circumstances and try our best to adjust behaviors accordingly. Only individuals, however, can conduct or comport themselves.

Conducting oneself responsibly is the crown on considering oneself grown-up.  How good it feels when someone recognizes you for not only being appropriate, but going a step further in kindness, and consideration for the feelings of another.

Longstanding language expressions call us to serve our better selves: 

• Act politely
• Mind your manners
• Make good choices
• Mind your p’s and q’s
• Play fair
• Observe the rules
• Tow the line
• Keep the peace
• Act reasonably
• Do the right thing
• Be nice and kind
• Be on your best behavior
• Observe the Golden Rule
• Act with decorum

These reminders have been heard throughout our lives on various occasions. Not only are they traditional phrases, they are instructions for behaving well.

Behaving Well Encourages Positivity

In the 18th century, Adam Smith claimed that agreeable manners inflame our natural love of virtue and increase our tolerance of imperfection.  They often correct or ascertain our natural sentiments with regard to the propriety of conduct. Suggesting many nice and delicate intentions, they shape us to a more exact justness of behavior—without which instruction we would have been at a loss to think of.

The above list of reminders, and the fact that we hear or say them often, offers clues to the difficulties of acting on them.  It also prompts us that another person may be struggling with their own good behavior, calling us to patience and compassion as they choose to act with propriety and kindness.

Though a person who has been reminded that he needs to behave more suitably may feel that the idea is antiquated and instead retorts, “Whatever,” humans might have long understood, the building of mental strength is about self-regulating emotions, managing thought expression, and aiming for the positive, despite circumstances.  

Behaving well, or acting in a manner of kindness, courtesy and respect, flies under the radar of noticeable actions.  Why? Because it is assumed that everyone aims for good rapport and harmony with each other in every circumstance.  As long as this is the norm, conducting oneself properly will never become an antiquated idea.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Happiness and Etiquette

Etiquette and the Happiness Factor

Fundamental to human nature is the desire to be happy.  One thing the pandemic brought us is the time to reassess this basic fundamental.    

Relationships are at the core of happiness—relationships with family, friends, colleagues, animals, your environment, yourself and your higher sense of being.  Being social creatures, we long for connectedness.  

When I teach etiquette seminars, the emphasis is always on the reasons why we would want to apply etiquette:  the confidence, comfort, and connectedness it brings.  

Connectedness is the essence of happiness, and the happier you choose to be, the more confident and comfortable you are.

Being Connected

Our human need for connection drives us to engage in social interactions with others.  These interactions create experiences that lead to acquaintanceship, friendship, romance, dislike, or confrontation.

Etiquette plays a direct role in determining the outcome of your attempts to connect with someone.

Five outwardly etiquette-ful actions to help others connect with you:

• Smile when you speak to someone.  Even while wearing a mask, be physical with your smile.  
• Looking directly at others when speaking is a necessary part of your smile.  Keep the gaze going. 
• Keeping your distance, your body language conveys your being present.  Arms to your side, palms open when you speak conveys openness.  Quick or unnecessary movement, keeping your arms crossed, or appearing distracted, shows the opposite.
• Validating other people’s views, even if you don’t agree, makes them feel as if they’ve been heard.
• Occasioning communication means that you are committed to showing up.  Encourage others to speak about themselves.  Even if you can’t spend time in person, texting, emailing or social media go a long way in communicating. 

Five inwardly etiquette-ful actions that help others connect with you: 

• Create a desire to make others feel important.  It will challenge your creativity.
• Choose to pay attention!  Cut out distractions when communicating.  Keep the phone out of sight and off the table when spending time in person.  
• Engage even if you don’t really feel like it.  Stay positive, share happy news, find something uplifting to share.   
• Adopt the philosophy that you are a giver.  Then give of yourself.
• Be available to ask others for advice.  This is easy if you engage another in something positive about that person’s life and look for something you genuinely appreciate. 

When we are etiquette-ful and kind to others and ourselves, we are bound to experience a level of happiness.  It is the same concept of the giver of a gift experiencing the same amount of joy and appreciation as the receiver of a gift.  Practicing etiquette guidelines during our interactions with people is a form of kindness in action.

Sharing Happiness

Some believe that being joyful is a responsibility of being human.  The HeartMath Institute has conducted many studies that help support this belief.  Their research shows that the emotions we feel – happiness, anger, uncertainty, fear – are shared energetically when we connect or interact with another being.  

Mindful of this, we can all celebrate moments of humility realizing that we can’t begin to know everything, but that we can contribute to the greater good by the little things we do inwardly and outwardly in kindness.  From this perspective, we can look around and appreciate everyday experiences – that the sun did rise, that seasons are occurring, and that we are all connected in some way.  How joyous!  How etiquette-ful!

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: The Right Tools

Etiquette is Akin to 
Using the Right Tool

When I was a child, many of my dad’s irritations came about when we kids didn’t use the right tool… a knife for a screwdriver, the handle of anything as a hammer, pliers as a wrench, trimming scissors to cut cardboard… on and on.  It was hard for me, as expediency too often overrode the lesson.  But experience teaches us that using a right tool for a particular task is necessary in advancing a person’s know how and can-do practical knowledge through practice.

Using etiquette-ful practices and guidelines when interacting with other people is akin to selecting and using the right tool.  When you accept that there are right tools for particular tasks, you accept that situationally, contextually, and relationally when we use our etiquette skills, interacting with others hones purpose and helps you gracefully communicate.

How to Know You’re Using the Right Tool

• The etiquette framework fosters effective and respectful communication between individuals. 
• Employing the norms for appropriate language, tone and behavior creates environments of respect, where people can be comfortable being themselves.
• Having learned the social rules of getting along is noticed and appreciated by others and contributes to relationship building.
• Professionally, etiquette-fulness is vital in building a person’s relationships with clients and colleagues, and it is an outward sign of professionalism and reliability.
• When tension or conflict arise, etiquette calms and guides persons back to the basics of listening with care, being constructive and positive, and seeking win-win outcomes. 

Becoming etiquette-ful is purposely chosen. It takes will power to harness the self and develop proficiency in navigating social situations.  Like tool use, we can learn through practice to employ guidelines and understandings that make us more sensitive to the needs of others and to what is needed in social and professional contexts that benefit not only others but ourselves as well. 

This is because when a person decides to learn and employ the specific skills of respectful behavior, the mindset brings benefits of surprise and pleasure as you become more adaptable, friendly, and positive. 

Honesty and right intentions build in the habit of reflection and the willingness to grow and change.  Friendships are cultivated and warmed through the ongoing practice of mutual effort as friends invest their time, energy, and care.  This happens in the context of learning the practices of etiquette.

Practice Using Your Etiquette Tools

• Listen actively and seek to understand another person’s perspectives and concerns.
• Employ your knowledge of good eye contact, engaging facial expressions and open body language.
• Avoid interrupting and speak your mind clearly and concisely with language that is polite and respectful. 
• Be a questioner, using open-ended questions that engage the other person to share their thoughts more fully.
• Regardless of how the conversation goes, always look for mutual understanding.
• Put your empathy to work and acknowledge the other person’s situation or point of view.
• Keep your purpose in attending an event or meeting in mind, realizing that others are there for reasons, too. 
• Stay focused.  If your mind begins to wander, you might summarize what the other person has said. This has the added benefit of others being drawn back into attention.

As my father taught me, proper tool use requires an attitude of respect for the tool and respect for the desired outcome.  And remember that kindness to yourself, the learner, is necessary in advancing your skills in the use of any 

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette for Workplace Romance

Your career goals and professional reputation should be primary considerations.  Evaluate whether the potential relationship aligns with your long-term career objectives and how it might affect your professional standing.

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Etiquette guidelines for respect and courtesy are most needed in gray areas like navigating workplace romance.  The workplace, or any place where professionalism is always expected, is rich with gray areas.  The instinct to make friends is common to all, as is the instinct to flirt and find romance.

Flirtatious behavior will always exist in a work environment.  Some of this behavior may evolve from lighthearted fun to romantic relationships.  While finding love at work can lead to something lasting – after all, many married couples meet at work – it also presents unique challenges that require careful navigation. 

Understanding Company Policies on Workplace Relationships

Most organizations have specific policies governing romantic relationships between employees.  These policies typically fall into three categories:

• Disclosure requirements mandate that employees inform HR or management about romantic relationships, particularly between supervisors and subordinates.  This transparency helps companies manage potential conflicts of interest and protect against liability issues.

• Some companies implement "love contracts," formal documents both parties sign acknowledging their relationship is consensual and agreeing to maintain professional behavior at work.  These contracts help protect the organization from potential sexual harassment claims if the relationship ends poorly.

• Certain organizations prohibit relationships between employees in direct reporting lines or implement "no-fraternization" policies for specific departments or roles. Understanding and following these policies is crucial for protecting your career.

Assessing the Professional Risks

Each work environment is different and has written as well as unwritten rules about acceptable social behavior.  Sexual harassment rules are generally well-established and should not be taken lightly! Keep conversations, humor, and physical contact with those you work at a professional level.  If the time comes that you want to move beyond lighthearted flirting, be sure your coworker is amenable to this.  Pay close attention for any signs that your advances are unwelcome.

People who are married or in long-term relationships also enjoy uplifting banter and spirited admiration.  But it's important to remember that close, friendly behavior can be confused with inappropriate sexual flirting. 

Dating a coworker carries potential professional risks that warrant careful consideration:

• Career impact becomes a significant concern, especially if the relationship involves different hierarchical levels. Perceptions of favoritism can damage professional credibility, even when no preferential treatment exists. Additionally, career advancement opportunities might be limited to avoid conflicts of interest.

• Team dynamics can shift as colleagues struggle to maintain professional boundaries with dating coworkers.  Questions arise about information sharing, meeting dynamics, and social interactions. Some team members may feel uncomfortable or excluded when romantic partners form a perceived alliance within the group.

• Office gossip frequently surrounds workplace relationships, potentially undermining professional reputations and creating distractions.  Even when couples maintain appropriate boundaries, their relationship often becomes a topic of workplace discussion.

• The possibility of the romance ending presents another major risk. Working alongside an ex-partner can create tension, affect productivity, and potentially lead to hostile work environments.  In some cases, one partner may seek new employment to avoid ongoing awkwardness.

Best Practices for Navigating Workplace Romance

Successfully navigating workplace romance requires intentional effort and clear boundaries.   Maintain strict professionalism during work hours.  This includes avoiding public displays of affection, using professional communication channels appropriately, and ensuring work decisions remain unbiased by personal relationships.

Establish clear boundaries between your professional and personal life. You and your partner may consider keeping different schedules or taking separate lunch breaks to maintain individual workplace identities. Avoid discussing relationship issues at work or sharing intimate details with colleagues.

Making Informed Decisions About Workplace Romance

Before pursuing a workplace relationship, consider these key factors:

• Your career goals and professional reputation should be primary considerations.  Evaluate whether the potential relationship aligns with your long-term career objectives and how it might affect your professional standing.

• If the relationship poses significant career risks, it may be time to spruce up your resume.  Some professionals choose to seek new employment before pursuing romantic relationships with colleagues.

In the workplace, people share common interests as well as spend much of their time in close vicinity.   It’s a natural place for love to happen.  Even if you develop rules and guidelines about office relationships, you never know when you’ll “fall interesting into each other,” as one person recently described how she fell in love with her now husband.

While navigating workplace romance often requires you to err on the side of caution due to the many pitfalls and policies, there are times when the pathway through this minefield is clear cut and completely worth the journey.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette is Not Antiquated

 Behaving Well is Not an Antiquated Idea

Showing up in a polite, positive, or good way means that you are behaving well. Adults enjoy seeing children who mind their manners; children form etiquette-ful habits and behaviors from the example of adults; and everyone appreciates the kindnesses shown by others. 

Yet, as an etiquette instructor, I hear comments about how etiquette skills are antiquated in modern society.  Ironically, this perception only holds when people, and those around them, are behaving well. 

Tradition

Custom may inform us on how to govern, manage or conduct ourselves, and it’s wise to observe the local circumstances and try our best to adjust behaviors accordingly. Only individuals, however, can conduct or comport themselves.

Conducting oneself responsibly is the crown on considering oneself grown-up.  How good it feels when someone recognizes you for not only being appropriate, but going a step further in kindness, and consideration for the feelings of another.

Longstanding language expressions call us to serve our better selves: 

• Act politely
• Mind your manners
• Make good choices
• Mind your p’s and q’s
• Play fair
• Observe the rules
• Tow the line
• Keep the peace
• Act reasonably
• Do the right thing
• Be nice and kind
• Be on your best behavior
• Observe the Golden Rule
• Act with decorum

These reminders have been heard throughout our lives on various occasions. Not only are they traditional phrases, they are instructions for behaving well.

Behaving Well Encourages Positivity

In the 18th century, Adam Smith claimed that agreeable manners inflame our natural love of virtue and increase our tolerance of imperfection.  They often correct or ascertain our natural sentiments with regard to the propriety of conduct. Suggesting many nice and delicate intentions, they shape us to a more exact justness of behavior—without which instruction we would have been at a loss to think of.

The above list of reminders, and the fact that we hear or say them often, offers clues to the difficulties of acting on them.  It also prompts us that another person may be struggling with their own good behavior, calling us to patience and compassion as they choose to act with propriety and kindness.

Though a person who has been reminded that he needs to behave more suitably may feel that the idea is antiquated and instead retorts, “Whatever,” humans might have long understood, the building of mental strength is about self-regulating emotions, managing thought expression, and aiming for the positive, despite circumstances.  

Behaving well, or acting in a manner of kindness, courtesy and respect, flies under the radar of noticeable actions.  Why? Because it is assumed that everyone aims for good rapport and harmony with each other in every circumstance.  As long as this is the norm, conducting oneself properly will never become an antiquated idea.

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia