Etiquette Tips for Conversation

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass- “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

AS conversation bears so important a part in social intercourse that some attempt toward it is made whenever we meet our fellows, it is strange that we are not all more proficient. It has been suggested that we have reason to be grateful that we have a few conversational formulae, to be used under certain circumstances, such as “How do you do?” “Good-by," “Thank you,” “You are very kind,” “I should be delighted.” Fancy the mental strain, if, Instead of these, we had to invent some new combination of words to suit each occasion.

The charm of agreeable conversation is appreciated by all, while its cultivation is within the reach of each, and we may be our own tutors. Nothing so quickly opens hospitable doors, and in its influence it may be an evangel.

Some of the Essentials of Good Conversation

One of its essentials is a well-modulated voice, which always seems a distinguishing mark of gentlehood. Much has been said about our high-pitched voices, but it will bear reiteration, since it is in our power to change them. All feel the charm of the softly musical voices of Englishwomen. They are like some sweet-toned bell, while a few among us recall the "ear-piercing fife." A gentleman, upon escaping from the infliction of such a one, quoted to his friend, "And silence like a poultice comes To heal the blows of sound!"

We should aim, too, to speak our language in its purity -“English undefiled” - and with clear, clean-cut enunciation. There is a cosmopolitan language spoken among educated people everywhere- “their speech betrayeth them.” By it we judge their culture, their refinement, their social position. Provincialism and slang are not less a revelation of the absence of these advantages. 

The subject suggests Coleridge’s well-known story of the stranger at a dinner who passed for a dignified and worthy personage until his pleasure at the excellence of the dumplings caused him to break the silence that had won him the reputation of wisdom by exclaiming, “Them’s the jockeys for me!” No matter what his moral character, whether saint or hero, his mental caliber, his rusticity of breeding, stood confessed. In cases less extreme the influence would be as conclusive. None should be able to tell by accent or intonation from what part of the country we come.

The French know their language so thoroughly that they use it with the precision and sensitiveness with which a cultivated musician plays upon his instrument. English is more comprehensive, and, well selected, it can fitly express any mood and meet every requirement, but few of us know its resources and have them at command.

Charm in Conversation

Entertaining conversation is not alone dependent upon a well-stored mind, a ready wit or broad culture. It lays under contribution qualities of heart as well as head, and should reveal sincerity, sympathy and simplicity. We must feel an interest in our subject before we can inspire it in others, and enthusiasm is contagious when it is sincere. It gives animation to the face, vivacity to the manner and has a thought-compelling power that adds fluency of expression. 

This and the gushing exuberance that speaks only in superlatives are “many miles asunder.” Sympathy and adaptability are created in a measure by the desire to please; but one must be sensitive to the mood of one’s audience, and quick to perceive when someone else wishes to speak. There are talkers who, metaphorically, take the bit between their teeth and run away with the subject. When they finally cease, no one has anything to say, despairing of opportunity. Unselfishness lies at the root of sympathy.

Subjects of Conversation

The subjects of interesting conversation are, of course, multiplied by increased knowledge of books, of the world of men and women, music, art and travel. One should be familiar with the current news of the day and the topics occupying public attention, with the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something worth hearing about what one has read and heard. Many get no farther in speaking of a book than that it is dull or interesting. Others give in few words what seem to be its central ideas, its characteristics, the time and scene of its action, quoting perhaps some sentiment that has impressed or witticism that has pleased.

One's conversation may become the center around which one’s reading and information are grouped. The habit of memorizing with a definite aim in view, and the consciousness of having something to say, give a sense of power. Practice arouses and strengthens the habit of ready selection and quick and apt application.

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass - “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

The mind grows shallow when perpetually occupied with trivialities. A course of solid reading is a good tonic. When ignorant of our ignorance, we do not know when we betray ourselves. It is better to be frankly dull than pedantic. Not exhibition but service is imposed by superior talent or advantages.

Some persons give an opinion as though their verdict were absolute and final. Dogmatism has been defined as “puppyism come to maturity.” Others hold forth with oracular vagueness, but convey few ideas, as though they were educated above their intelligence. One must guard one’s self from the temptation of “talking shop,” as the slang of the day expresses it, and of riding one's “hobby.” Our interest is apt to blind us to the lack of it in others. It comes under the reproach of “bad taste,” as does also the retailing of family affairs. 

The sanctity of home life should be guarded by us with a self-respecting reticence. A bore has been described as “one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.” The sarcasm aside, whatever sets one apart as a capital “I” should be avoided. Anecdotes that are supposed to be of interest because connected with ourselves should be reserved for our intimates. Our troubles annoy those whom they do not sadden. 

Let us only pass upon pleasant things. A joke or humorous story is dependent upon its freshness for appreciation; some emotions will not bear “warming over.” A foreign phrase for which there is no exact equivalent in English seems occasionally to give point, finish or adornment to a sentence, but one must be wary of assuming that it is untranslatable. It is bad form to use foreign expressions unless they be idiomatic and pronounced with correct accent.

It is now a well-established and accepted canon of good form that only pleasant things are to be said of any one. An ill-natured criticism is a social blunder as well as a moral one. “Though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth us nothing” - in good society.

Gossip and Exaggeration

Gossip, too, is really going out of fashion. Any one self-convicted hastens to retract whatever may give the impression that one has indulged in anything so vulgar and plebeian. It has a corrective and an inspiring influence to imagine the persons spoken of to be within hearing.

Exaggeration is misstatement, which is untruthfulness. It often does as much harm as a deliberate lie, and is not as honest. True wit is a gift, not an attainment. Those who use it aright never yield to the temptation of saying anything that can wound another in order to exhibit their own cleverness. It is natural and spontaneous. “Those who run after wit are apt to catch nonsense.” Talk that has heartiness in it and the liveliness and sparkle that come of light-heartedness and innocent gayety is a fairly good substitute for wit.  - Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Airing Dirty Laundry

Whose “truth” holds the actual facts when someone trashing the in-laws while airing the dirtiest of laundry, exclaims proudly that it is “her truth” or “his truth?” Airing dirty laundry has practically become an international sport. It was so prevalent at the Paris Olympics last month, some of those airing it should have been given medals!

These days, popular social media sites are more full of dirty laundry than your local dry cleaner and laundromat combined. Wouldn’t it be great if A thru Z-list celebs had their own White House-type press secretaries to deflect questions and tell us all to disregard which dirty laundry we read on social media and the more salacious of news’ sites? And then, of course, tell us which we “should” believe? 

And whose “truth” holds the actual facts when someone trashing the in-laws while airing the dirtiest of laundry, exclaims proudly that it is “her truth” or “his truth?” Airing dirty laundry has practically become an international sport. It was so prevalent at the Paris Olympics last month, some of those airing it should have been given medals! But then again, they should have also been ashamed of themselves.

Unfortunately, scurrilous examples could have used a crackerjack press secretary for actions, reactions and events which ended up in the media as meaty clickbait and videos or reels of gossip-mongering. Examples include the duo nicknamed the “Temu Royals” on social media. They never stop airing dirty laundry, and thankfully it is not reciprocated by the other side of the bubbles. How about the hours spent discussing the inevitable split of those two once referred to as ‘Bennifer”? Or the laundry bubbles bursting onto the scene in the aftermath of the P. Diddy arrest?  Or the tamer soiled laundry of the late-Matthew Perry, who wrote in his tell-all autobiography about a long ago make out session with a then married Valerie Bertinelli, aka Mrs. Eddie Van Halen? 

The Language Council of Singapore described the idiom ‘airing of dirty laundry’ as “ a metaphor, stemming from the embarrassment one would feel if others saw the clothes, sheets and towels that needed washing. In addition, if the owner did not feel embarrassed, the witnesses would be. This works the same way for humiliating or extremely private family secrets that should not be talked about in front of others.”

We can use the centuries-old metaphor for the aforementioned modern examples that have played out on television and social media. Do we need to know about what the ‘nanny’ said? Do we want to know your thoughts about a particular boyfriend that your ex is dating or revealing intimate details in a book? My next question is hopefully a thought-provoking one…what does this say about you?

Perhaps it was a need to make money for the writer and publisher alike; leaking these details helps you in the legal case that will be made in the non-distant future, or it just ‘feels good’ to express emotion? Maybe! For those that don’t have a PR team at our disposal, we can use these tips before putting things on social media:

• 1. Think before reacting to a situation, tell a close and trusted friend or family member. 
• 2. What are the consequences (before, during and after) on airing my or someone else’s laundry? 
• 3. Do I need to make a press release for the purpose of providing general information for an official public statement?

One of the best examples to date is how the House of Grimaldi, otherwise known as the royal family of Monaco, dealing with the absence of Charlene, Princess of Monaco, from royal duties and life for a short period from the beginning of 2022. A quick and brief statement gave general insight but did not mar the monarchy's reputation. Bravo, and well done.

We all can channel Sarah Huckabee Sanders, former political spokesperson, first in a long line of press secretaries for the Trump administration and the governor-elect of Arkansas. She battled the White House Press Corps and supposed “dirty laundry” being brought into the White House Press Corps room like a knight wielding his sword, or even a high-tech laundromat at which the dirty laundry is scooped up and cleaned without a trace, playing down the constant barrage of political mishaps with obsequious comments deflecting from what was really happening. – By Elizabeth Soos

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for When In a Street Car

Inquisitive curiosity, talking over private affairs, making unpleasant remarks within hearing of those talked about – these all show the observer that politeness, which is etiquette, is unknown in that quarter.

Upon entering a street car, those who know how to behave will take a seat quietly, without trying to attract attention or in any manner making themselves conspicuous. 

Names should not be mentioned; gossip should be strictly avoided; a pleasant acknowledgment of small courtesies, such as a move to permit of passing and all those small things that in themselves seem of no importance, but in the aggregate speak loudly of the perfection of good breeding or the lack of it, as the case may be.

Inquisitive curiosity, talking over private affairs, making unpleasant remarks within hearing of those talked about – these all show the observer that politeness, which is etiquette, is unknown in that quarter. – The Trinity Journal, 1914

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Encyclopedia of Etiquette 

Etiquette and Appropriate Conversation

If you’re going to discuss the misfortunes of others, make sure it’s actually your business. “Do not take meal time for retailing … your own or other people’s illnesses, accidents or misfortunes. To do so is always unwise, and, if guests are present, it is decidedly ill bred.” – Actress Linda Emond portraying Clara Barton, the real-life founder of the Red Cross on 'The Gilded Age'

Inappropriate vs Appropriate  Conversation

Do not take meal time for retailing the faults of servants, the misdeeds of children or your own or other people’s illnesses, accidents or misfortunes. To do so is always unwise, and, if guests are present, it is decidedly ill bred. 

A perfect entertainer never confides her worries or her sorrows to an abiding guest, much less will she mention them to one whose visit is to be brief or is only casual. It would be laying a burden upon another at a season when the sacredness of hospitality should protect him from every unpleasant thought.– San Diego Daily Bee, October 1887

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Gossip Dries Up and Packs Up

               

Who was in the hotter hell? The gossips or those commenting on the gossips? — Aside from a few incidents, there have been but two morsels of gossip for the socially inclined to digest. This is an unusual state of affairs; for, according to a Boston female critic: “New York society is the most gossipy crowd I ever struck.” 

Photo source, Etiquipedia library

Polite society is now in a very unsettled and confused condition as is usual at this stage of the year, between two burdens of closing up the city house and preparing to leave town, very little takes the precedence of personal wants. The natural consequence has therefore been to make the last week in society very dull and uninteresting. Aside from a few incidents, there have been but two morsels of gossip for the socially inclined to digest. This is an unusual state of affairs; for, according to a Boston female critic: “New York society is the most gossipy crowd I ever struck.”

The two topics were the reported engagement of the beautiful Miss Lulu Morris of Baltimore to Frederick Gebhard and the proposed ball in honor of the Infanta Eulalia. The rumored engagement of Miss Morris to Mr. Gebhard early in the week, created a decided stir Miss Morris who is a cousin of Mrs. Richard Irvin of 12 West Thirty-sixth Street, has been seen frequently here in society and is remembered as a charming model in the tableau vivants in Madison Square Concert Hall.

The report had been quietly going the rounds of a few, and had been talked of in undertones in club circles. Mrs. Irvin was in Baltimore most of the week, and those anxious to know could neither get a yes nor a no, until Mrs. Irvin returned. Then came a most emphatic “no,” and with that nothing more was said. — the New York Times May 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Strict Spanish Etiquette was Deadly

The strictest etiquette in Spain would prevent a young man from ever being left alone with his fiancée.

Courtship in Spain is regulated by the strictest etiquette. As is well known, a young man is never left alone with his fiancée. Near Malaga, a beautiful young girl of twenty, committed suicide by drinking a cup of coffee in which phosphorus had been dissolved. It appears that the girl had been driven to the deed by the adverse comments of neighbors who became aware that she had given her sweetheart a kiss.—London Mail, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Diplomacy and Cads

The dapper, Spencer Eddy, spent 15 years working his way up in the U.S. diplomatic service and was briefly the Minister to Argentina (1908-1909), followed by Romania (1909), when he resigned due to his wife’s poor health. What a pity that in his many lofty positions, he never learned that publicly spreading gossip about others was considered poor manners.
—Public domain photo 

Who is the Real Cad?

That brilliant light of diplomacy, Spencer Eddy, who married a granddaughter of the late Claus Spreckels of San Francisco, is said by the New York Globe to be telling a story of the horrible experience he went through when a San Francisco friend ate peas with his knife at a London dinner. Eddy is a Chicagoan, and his story is amusing to Californians, for when Chicago’s millionaires were still serving head cheese for dessert and pigs-feet for breakfast, Californians were returning from European tours where they were indistinguishable from other civilized beings by their table manners, except that Californians conducted themselves at the table better than the average Europeans. 

No Californian abroad has ever behaved in the way British cads have in this country, and several of the cads had titles, too. Nor does it become a New York paper to discuss crudity of table manners, for the public restaurants there give an opportunity for comparison that puts the average Gothamite in the ultra ill-bred class. Here is another point of view. 

Even if Eddy's San Francisco friend did commit the horrible faux pas of eating peas with his knife, he must have been a decent fellow—too decent to have told tales about Eddy, had Eddy, for example, come to California and made a fool of himself, as many such persons do, in discussing local affairs and history. If Eddy told the story credited to him by the New York Globe, it is Eddy who is the boor and the cad for decrying his guest, and not the mythical San Franciscan. — San Francisco Call, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Male Gossips

They were aware of what his peers were saying about them — Never will a true gentleman allude to any conquests which he may have made with ladies, nor will he indulge in other gossip.

Men Gossips Quite as Numerous as Women and Even More Slanderous!

It Is a Mistaken Belief of Women That Men Are Their Best and Most Liberal Minded Friends, Until They Discover the Truth!

Woman has been accused of gossiping, because she lacked occupation. Man, with his manifold duties, is supposed to be too busy for gossip. But men gossips are quite us numerous as those of the fairer sex. In men’s clubs many a scandal is set rolling which gains momentum as it proceeds upon its way and wrecks names and homes before it finishes its course. Foolish women risk their reputations by allowing men to compromise them, and believe implicitly that their admirers will protect their names against the whole world. 

Men Tell Stories of Scandalous Import 

Yet over a “Stag Dinner’’ or over the Club Table, the story ot these indiscretions are freely told. The names are possibly, or probably, withheld; but it is a simple matter for the listeners to locate the character in the story of the play as related by the proud Lothario. Under the influence of wine and "Good Fellowship,” men who have been trusted and believed in by weak women have more than once shown letters and boasted of their conquests. 

Woman has been accused of being jealous in their treatment of their own sex. The arrival of a new woman in her circle is supposed to awaken her to a sense of rivalry, which leads her to do petty acts. But it was a young man who carried off the palm for petty actions at one of the summer resorts. Because an attractive young woman came to the place without bringing a detailed account of her past life, the young man set himself the noble task of studying the directory of the town from which she came, and investigating the history ot all families bearing her name. 

Each day he made a new report upon the possible identity of the young woman. His listeners were amused, but no one was frank enough to tell him how despicable he seemed in all eyes. Meantime the very worthy and tired young woman, who had left an excellent position among the world’s educators, and who came away for rest and recreation, and chose to avoid any thought of her duties while resting, was all unconscious of this espionage. Liked and respected by her own sex, she was not prepared to find a would-be spy and gossip among men. 

Women Growing More Liberal-Minded

It is a mistaken belief of most women that men are their best and most liberal-minded friends. Men demand more of women in the way of conventional behavior than other women demand. Men are much more critical than women. A man will not hesitate to be seen in public with a woman whose name rests under a shadow; but he will be very firm in forbidding his wife or sister or mother to be seen with her. That is not friendship nor defense. A woman has been known to declare her belief In the innocence of one who was the subject of gossip and at the same time to announce her Intention to stand by her. And she has been prevented by the men of her family. Yet these same men were regarded by the victim of gossip as loyal to her because they spoke to her in public places, while women held aloof. 

Men believe themselves to be more liberal and just in their estimate of women than our sex, but they are not. They deceive themselves. Women are growing more liberal minded, more just and more sympathetic with each decade. They are growing less prone to gossip. But men are keeping up the average. When next you hear a bit of gossip, look up its source. Ten to one, you will find it started with a man. —Ella Wheeler Cox, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Office Party Etiquette

Remember... You're going to have to go on dealing with these people in a businesslike way ever after!

The Office Party

The office party is supposed to be a time when superiors and subordinates meet socially. Actually the whole institution is loaded with problems. Remember that the salesman on whose shoulder you've poured out your problems, or the typist whose been kissed among the file cabinets, will be back at their desks on Monday, and that you're going to have to go on dealing with these people in a businesslike way ever after. So dress up and have fun, but don't drink beyond the point of discretion (whiskey in paper cups is bound to be treacherous.)

The point of discretion could be defined as the point beyond which you're going to feel mighty foolish facing all those people the next day. Remember, the young man in the shipping department that you've always thought attractive, is still going to be married on Monday. And the girl down the hall that you've always distrusted will be no more discrete with all your personal business than she's always been with other juicy tidbits of gossip. — From "Etiquette" by Frances Benton, 1956

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Russia's Mistress of Etiquette Tangles with Gossip

An American Girl Vanquishes a Russian! Ugly American Tourist? We at Etiquipedia Believe So

Was this Great Mistress of the Court, first class (the Ober-Hofmeisterin, or Upper-Governess) the "Mistress of Etiquette?" In typical court ball dress for Russian women of rank – All of the ancient occupations of the women at the Court of Russia, were traditionally held by boyardins (wives of boyards – a boyar was a privileged member of the old nobility of Russia), or nurses, housekeepers, servants and nannies. These roles were abolished and replaced by a new hierarchy inspired by Versailles Court etiquette and German models. Many Muscovite and post-reform positions were in charge of nearly identical functions to the previous funtions. The new hierarchy, however, used German terminology. 

The following is a narrative of an incident which occurred in St. Petersburg some years ago. The American lady concerned is the daughter of a prominent public benefactor, has for years been a social leader in society, is the wife of a leading Republican statesman and would be recognized instantly if her name might be mentioned.

The “Russian Mistress of Etiquette”

A grand reception was in progress at the palace of a high Russian dignitary. Members of the Cabinet, Generals of the army, Grand Dukes, the nobility of the empire, and the diplomatic corps were present. It was a notable affair. Four young ladies —three Russian and one American—had gathered into a little nook screened in palms, and were discussing in French, the dowdy appearance of a high court lady. Some eavesdropper caught their remarks and bore them to the criticised lady. She in turn reported the conversation to a noble Duchess, who held the peculiar office of Mistress of Etiquette. 

She retired to a private room and had the four culprits summoned before her. They appeared, the Russian girls in fear and trembling, the American calm and selfpossessed. "Young ladies," said she, "you have been commenting discourteously upon the personal appearance of Lady ——. You have committed a grave breach of etiquette, and it is my duty as court mistress of etiquette to punish you. Olga, your slipper!" The trembling Olga took off her slipper and meekly received a sound punishment of the kind confined in America exclusively to the nursery. "Katia it is your turn. Give me your slipper!" said the inexorable duenna, as the weeping Olga arose from her castigation. Katia took her gruel with audible lamentations, and Tania followed the suffering Katia. All the while the American girl watched and waited. The indignities thrust upon her companions roused the Hail Columbia in her. Her eyes flashed and her little fists clenched with excitement. "It is your turn now," said the Mistress of Etiquette to the fair American, "your slipper, please." 

Columbia's blood was up. There was fighting stock back of her for generations. She removed her slipper and drew near, but she held the slipper by the toe. At proper range she swung the missile and struck the old lady in the mouth a fearful clip. Then she sailed in. 

Lace, feathers and furbelows flew. Finger nails fetched blood. Gray hair and the St. Petersburg fashions of 1863 filled the air. The screams of the thoroughly frightened Mistress of Etiquette brought a crowd. The door was battered down. The three Russian girls were screaming in their respective corners. The old lady was hors de combat, and a fieryeyed goddess of the room, waving a tuft of gray hair in one hand and a jeweled hair dagger, with which she had been trying to stab the Russian, in the other. The Mistress of Etiquette fairly screamed with impotent rage, showered maledictions in broken French, German and Russian upon her conqueror, and demanded that the most condign puuishment be meted out to her. 

The matter was carried to the Czar. Nicholas made a pretense of punishing the young lady by issuing some orders against her appearing at any ball for a certain period, but the old liberator was immensely tickled. He showered the most embarrassing presents upon the American, beautiful slippers of every kind and description, silver slippers and gold slippers, and finally wound up by sending her a hair dagger set with diamonds. –From the Washington Post, 1890

Submitted by Sisters, Toni and June, at the  Etiquette Facts Blog

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Etiquette Ferry Tale

A few trips between here and Oakland will perhaps open your eyes to the fact that there is room for original interpretation as to what constitutes manners.

The old adage about one half of the world not knowing how the other half gets away with it, does not apply to commuters. Settle down in almost any part, of any ferry boat going in any direction and before the gentleman from Denmark or thereabouts says: "All ashore," you can get first hand ideas on many points of view on many subjects.  

Take etiquette, for instance. From the fact that its rules have been codified, as it were, one might think that etiquette was in the nature of an exact science. A few trips between here and Oakland will perhaps open your eyes to the fact that there is room for original interpretation as to what constitutes manners. 

It was on one of the morning boats from Sausallto. She sat on the after deck and told a girl friend the story of her life from a date in the past, when, it appeared from the conversation, their paths had separated. "No, I ain't seen May sines I was married. She'n me had an awful fallin' out. You see 'twas this way: May sent me a wedding present. I'd acknowledged all my engagement presents, but didn't think it would be etiquette to acknowledge weddin' presents till I was married. I had all my acknowledgments written and was goin to mail them the minute I was married. The day before the weddin May rings me up. 

"Oh, you ain't dead?' she says, sarcastic, when I answers the 'phone. '"Why. the idear. May! What's the matter?' says I." 'Nothln'!' she says with a sneer. 'But if my present aint worth acknowledging you'd best send it back.' '''You mis'rable contemptuous cat." I says. 'If I had you here,' I says, I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't you dare to tell me nothln' about etiquette!' 

"I slams down the 'phone. I returned her present, but she come to the weddin' all right an' enjoyed herself makin' sneerin' remarks about the furniture. No, May an' I ain't been friends since."— From the San Francisco Call, July 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Edwardian Ethical Recipes for "Curing Tongues" and Unpopularity

"Scandal and Gossip:  Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests. A writer on this subject says: 'Gossip is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from its den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage; gossip of contempt.' Those who best understand the nature of gossip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, but will allow no slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral character, whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the influence of her writings.” ~ John H. Young's 1879 “Our Deportment / Or the Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined Society.”

Cured Tongue

Peaceful silence; meditation on the good qualities of your neighbors.  Rub the tongue with this mixture every day.

Spirit of praise; sympathy instead of curiosity; conversation on impersonal topics. Make a strong solution of these, skim as long as the scum of adverse criticism arises. Pour it over the tongue daily. Examine the solution frequently and skim whenever necessary. This treatment will cure any tongue of the gossip twang.

Cure for Unpopularity - I 

Unpopularity is usually the result of a poisoned or anemic condition of the enveloping aura of the person afflicted.

Hatred, fault-finding, suspicion and all kindred feelings toward one's fellow beings emit a miasmatic taint which will be consciously or subtly felt by those who come into his soul atmosphere.

Remedy

A charity which positively rejoices in finding good qualities in one's neighbors, two ounces.

A frank friendliness which draws its own kind from other hearts and disarms slights, three ounces. A yearning not only to be blessed but to bless, two ounces.

“News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule to speak of things rather than of persons.” ~ Edith B. Ordway's 1918, “The Etiquette of To-Day”

Cure for Unpopularity - II

Self-absorption, chilling reserve of manner, bluntness and indifference, or fear and fretfulness, make one's personal atmosphere cold, colorless and lacking in magnetic force.

Remedy

The cure for this condition lies in daily exercise. First, open the doors of your soul; then vigorously radiate upon others the warmth of sympathy and appreciation. Finally, exercise all your faculties of entertainment until you are in a glow with humor, beautiful with responsive thought, and rhythmic with harmony. Practice these exercises upon all who come into your presence and you will magnetize your social ether.

From ~ Isabel Goodhue's “Good Things: Ethical Recipes for Feast Days and Other Days, with Graces for All the Days,” 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia