19th C. Carving Etiquette

Carving was considered an art that every host should acquire and practice. Above, a late-19th century carving set, as advertised in the “Columbia” silver-plate pattern of 1893. 

CARVING is an art which every parent should teach his sons and daughters. Nothing can be more disagreeable and unpleasant than to be placed before any particular dish without being able to help it properly. It is generally the case when the head of the family is a good carver; for he so objects to see things badly cut, that he prefers carving everything himself. We remember once, when very young, being invited to a large dinner, and we were placed before a ham. We began to hack this article, when the general, the founder of the feast, said to his servant, “Take that ham away from that young gentleman, and place it before some one who knows how to carve.” From that moment we determined to achieve the art of carving, and after great difficulty we succeeded, and succeeded so well that once, in carving a hare, a clergyman, one of the guests, remarked what an excellent invention that of boning a hare was, we carved it with so much ease; but determined to have a joke at the expense of the clergyman, we laid down the knife and fork, and said, “Sir, we are surprised that you could express such an opinion, when it is well known that it has filled more jails and sent more men to the treadmill than any other thing you can name.” “What, sir, taking the bones out of a hare ?” “No, sir, ‘boning’ the hare first.” No one can carve without practice, and consequently children ought to begin young, in order to acquire a thorough knowledge of the art. It is difficult to describe the method of carving, even with drawings or diagrams; but the reader who wishes to learn, may, by observing how good carvers proceed, and applying what he has seen to what he reads, with practice, soon become an adept.

And first, never stand up to carve; this is the greatest vulgarity, and even a very short man need not stand up. A little, deformed, hump-back friend of ours, used to give very good dinners; he carved well, and delighted in showing it, but he had a failing—always to have very, large joints of meat before him. One day a stranger guest arrived late, dinner had been served, even soup and fish had been removed; the host was absolutely hidden be hind an enormous round of beef, and the stranger saw nothing at the head of the table but the monstrous joint, round which a knife was revolving with wonderful rapidity. Steam was the subject of talk at the moment, and he exclaimed, “I did not know that you had brought steam to this perfection.” “What perfection?” “Why, don't you see that round of beef is carved by steam.” This was enough; it got the hunchback’s steam up, and, jumping on the chair, he demanded who dare insult him in his own house; and it was with great difficulty that his friends could appease his wrath, and turn his steam off. Ever since the time of Adam, men and women have been prone to excuse themselves and lay the blame on others. Thus, a person who could not swim, complained bitterly of the want of buoyancy in the water; and another, who had frightfully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, declared that the sheep was deformed and had a bandy leg.

In France, at all large dinners, dishes are carved at the sideboard by a servant, and then handed round in small portions. It saves a great deal of trouble, and prevents the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers will often inundate the table-cloth, and sometimes their neigh bors. It would be well if this custom was universal in America, where it is rare to find good carver. In help ing the soup, never say, “Will you let me assist you to some of this soup?” this is vulgar in the extreme. The word assist is not “selon les règles de la bonne société,” but simply, “Shall I send you some?” Now, any one can help soup. But then there are two ways, the right and the wrong. First, then, your soup plates should be held by the servant near the tureen, and you should judge the number you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, to avoid the possibility of consuming all your soup before you have helped your guests; give one spoonful of soup to each plate, and avoid by all means slopping the soup either into the tureen or over the table-cloth, or over the side of the plate, all of which are extreme vulgarities. And here we beg to say—not withstanding Brummel having said, in speaking of someone with whom he could find no other fault, that he was a sort of fellow who would come twice to soup,— that, if very good, it is not vulgar to eat twice of it; but, au contraire, if not good, the worst possible taste.

The next thing in order is fish. Now, of fish there are several sorts; the first of the large sorts being:

SALMON, the shape of which every one knows; but few people have a whole salmon at table. The fish should be served always on a strainer, covered with a small dinner napkin, and the cook should be careful that it be sent to table whole and unbroken. It should be laid on its side, and garnished with fried smelts; it should be cut with the trowel, or fish-knife, immediately down the middle of the side, and helped from the centre to the back, one slice back and a small slice towards the belly, which is the richest and fattest part; care should be taken that the slices are not broken, and with each slice a fried smelt be given.

COD-FISH should be helped differently. Cutting from the back to the thin part, crossways, and the sound divided so as to give each person a small portion.

MACKEREL, if boiled, should be divided into four; that is, place your trowel or fish-knife under the flesh at the tail, and raise up the flesh to the head, then divide the side in the middle, giving half of the side to each person, and leaving the bone and head and tail in the dish.

HERRINGS should be helped by giving one to each person.

EELS are always cut in small pieces, and all the attention required is that those which are the largest are the best.

PATTIES AND ENTREES ought to be so arranged that they can be served with a spoon, and require no carving. The roast is therefore the next thing that calls for observation.

A LEG OF MUTTON is, or rather ought to be served exactly the reverse side to a haunch of mutton; that is, it ought to lie on the flat side, and so show the beveled side to the carver. A slice is cut in the center; and then the carver is to cut to the bone right and left, the thick side being most esteemed. The best fat is that which lies at the thick end, near to the bone; there is not much of it, but it is considered a delicacy.

A SIRLOIN OF BEEF — The most elegant way to cut this joint is by making an incision from the chine-bone to the flap, directly in the center, and helping from either side. However, this is not the most economical way; and there fore it is to be cut thin on the outside, from the chine— bone to the flaps, with fat from underneath. Many people like the under side, or inner loin. If this is eaten hot-and it is best hot— the joint should be turned, and the meat cut across in slices rather thicker than from the top side. Great care should be taken not to splash the gravy in turn. ing, by placing the fork well into the flap, so as to secure a firm hold. — From Martine’s Handbook of Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, 1866

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19th C. Etiquette Advice for Gents

Even at home, it is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are unseen. 

Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, either when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be released.


Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a book of engravings with propriety.


The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your manners, the more you will impress people of your good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.


It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of feeling. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly."


Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to give orders in the "imperative mood," nor are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.


It is a great thing to be able to walk like a gentleman—that is, to get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait of a clown, and stop before you reach the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short, nothing but being a gentleman can ever give you the air and step of one. A man who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for him.


A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit, that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself. People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. A gentleman never sits with his hat on in the theater. Gentlemen do not generally sit even in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any convenient place to put them.


The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on a lady into a carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to take off your hat; but such is not the custom among polite people in this country. The inconvenience of such a rule is a good reason against its observance in a country where the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the servility which is often attached to it in countries where the code of etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a lady into a carriage, a gentleman may need to employ both his hands, and he has no third hand to hold on to his hat.


Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are unseen. — “Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness," 1866

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Victorian Domestic Etiquette

From the early 1860s, French bridal fashions advertised from Paris, for the American bride-to-be.

Victorian Era Advice on Domestic Etiquette and Duties

Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its observances are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic circle.  

If husbands and wives, generally, would render each other half of the little attentions they lavished upon each other before marriage, their mutual happiness would be more than doubled.

A wife should never let her husband have cause to complain that she is more agreeable abroad than at home, nor see her negligent of dress and manners at home when it is the reverse in company.

It is not in good taste for a husband and wife to call each other by endearing names in the presence of others.

A man has no right whatever to open his wife’s mail, but a woman should not receive any letters that she would not be willing that her husband should see.

If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or annoyances occur between husband and wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to repeat them to a third person.

Faithful unto death in all things should be the motto of both husband and wife; and forbearance with each other’s peculiarities, their never-ending effort to attain.

If a girl discovers very soon after her marriage that she has made a mistake, it is wisest for her to make the best of it; she should look for all that is good in her husband and try to forget that which she dislikes.

There are times when a legal separation is necessary, but when people marry, they marry for better or for worse, and if, unfortunately, it should be for worse, even that does not release them from the solemn vows which they have taken. — Arthur Martine, 1854

 

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Etiquette of 19th C. Balls and Assembly Rooms

“Dance only from the hips downwards” was the guiding etiquette rule.

Dancing has been defined as a "graceful movement of the body, adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, or of voice;" and again, "agreeable to the true genius of the art, dancing is the art of expressing the sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of the figure and by graceful gestures; all performed to the sound of musical instruments or the voice."

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." 

In another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion."

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at once proceed with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, there leaving her; and then repair to the gentlemen's dressing-room. In the mean time, the lady, after adjusting her toilet, will retire to the ladies' sitting-room or wait at the door of the dressing-room, according as the apartments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested himself of hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the man having charge of the hat-room, receiving therefor a check, and after arranging his toilet, he will proceed to the ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the entrance to the ladies' dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, and with her enter the ball-room. The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be overlooked or forgiven.
                                      

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners, regardless of his height.

With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as floor managers, or there will be a "Master of the Ceremonies," whose office it is to see that everything be conducted in a proper manner: if you are entirely a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a partner, and point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of position, they will present you for that purpose; should there be an objection, they will probably select some one they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an impertinent fellow for your presumption.

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners: as the Master of Ceremonies is supposed to be careful to introduce only gentlemen who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified as a dancer should never seek an introduction.

At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. The gentleman should respectfully offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of the set he will conduct her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. A gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too often with the lady to whom he is engaged.

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided—unless, indeed, she first bows— as neither she nor her friends can know who or what you are.

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you?" If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you.

When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else.

Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes.

If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and she promises to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you care for a lady, form in themselves a tacit insult.

In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be given at the commencement and conclusion of each dance.
               

Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not drag her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not unjustly, think you a bear. You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille without knowing something of “the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, so much the better. But dance quietly; do not kick and caper about, nor sway your body to and fro; dance only from the hips downwards; and lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of gossamer.

Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and those of a gentleman there is a great difference. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson.

Immediate attention should be paid to any request made by the Master of Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings respecting the dance should be referred to him, his decision being deemed final. Otherwise his superintendence of the ball will be attended with great inconvenience.

When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you should accidentally occupy another couple's place, on being informed of the intrusion, you should immediately apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another position. Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head or sides, indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition altogether unsuited for an occasion where all should meet with kindly feelings.

When a company is divided into different sets, persons should not attempt to change their places without permission from the Master of Ceremonies. No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires their assistance to complete the set, should leave the room or sit down before the dance is finished, unless on a very urgent occasion, and not even then without previously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may find substitutes. If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; you must only lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.

Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs the harmony of the company, and should be avoided if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any intention to annoy; remember, also, that the really well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way.

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage of ladies, where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing them; or when he is obliged to go in front, because he cannot get behind them, it is but common courtesy for him to express his regret at being compelled to annoy them. A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the absence of friends, address a stranger, and offer him a partner, asking his name previous to an introduction, and mentioning that of the lady to him or not, as he may think proper.

It is improper to engage or reëngage a lady to dance without the permission of her partner. Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have the best seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in all cases to your courteous protection. Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room alone; they should either be accompanied by their guardian or a gentleman. Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room assemblage, or other party, unattended. The former should be accompanied by other married ladies, and the latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a gentleman is a sufficient companion for either.

Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a dance, particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar with the figures. Besides rendering themselves awkward and confused, they are apt to create ill-feeling, by interfering with, and annoying others. It were better for them to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject of animadversion. 

As we have elsewhere said, modesty of deportment should be the shining and preëminent characteristic of woman. She should be modest in her attire, in language, in manners and general demeanor. Beauty becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive homeliness is rendered agreeable by its influence.

When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should dance with her first, or offer so to do; and it should be his care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance. After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat, unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a lady should not be unattended, at any time, in a public assembly.

When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with her. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms.

If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet friends or acquaintances whom you don't intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow or nod to them at every round would be tiresome and therefore improper; have no fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to say to them, join them at once.

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms and phrases from conversation, not only in assembly-rooms, but on all occasions; and we would particularly caution our young lady friends against even the recognition of those équivoques and double entendre which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, introduce.

Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import, nor seem to recognize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a subject of discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. All wanton glances and grimaces, which are by libertines considered as but so many invitations to lewdness, should be strictly shunned.

No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too guarded in her actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive of happiness to her as absolute guilt; and of her character we may say with the poet: “A breath can make them, or a breath unmake."

In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes should endeavor to wear a pleasant countenance; and in presenting hands, a slight inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation, is appropriate and becoming. Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad."
                         

The "Father of English Grammar,” Lindley Murray

We have already alluded to the importance of a correct use of language in conversation, and though we are aware that it is absolutely impossible to practice it without a certain degree of education, yet we would urge that the habit which many acquire, more through carelessness than ignorance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. Many a young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton contempt for the rules of Lindley Murray.

Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the opportunity of recording an incident in the career of a young man "about town," who, anxious to see life in all its phases, was induced to attend a public ball, the patrons of which were characterized more for their peculiarity of manners than their extraordinary refinement. 

On being solicited by an acquaintance, whom he respected for his kindness of heart and integrity rather than for his mental accomplishments, to dance with his daughter, he consented, and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the musicians were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from "Trovatore," the young lady asked: "Do you know what that 'ere is?" Supposing that she meant air, and wishing to give her an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piece of information, in utter disregard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he replied, "No." "Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous." With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly found his admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance, as it had before been exalted by her beauty.

At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as possible to all parties. With this purpose in view, the latter should, therefore, avoid showing marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. 

We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. “On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to each other without being first satisfied that such a course will be mutually agreeable. The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be agreeable to either party.

From “Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Napkin History

In Roman antiquity, napkins known as “sudaria” and “mappae”were made in both small and large lengths. The sudarium, Latin for “handkerchief,” was a pocket-size fabric earned to blot the brow during meals taken in the warm Mediterranean climate. The mappa was a larger cloth spread over the edge of the couch as protection from food taken in a reclining position. The fabric was also used to blot the lips. Each guest brought his own large mappa “napkin” and they became the first known “doggy bags”mas guests leaving a Roman dinner had their mappa filled with leftover delicacies from the enormous feasts to take home. With the fall of Roman Empire, napkins disappeared from the dining table. – Public domain image of “The Gourmand” by Henri Brispot

Napkins have been recorded as being in use, from the times of ancient Roman Empire and prior to then, in ancient Greece. References to word napkin dates back to 1384 AD. It is believed that the first napkin was a lump of dough the Spartans called "apomagdalie." It was a mixture that was cut into small pieces, rolled and kneeded at the table, that led to using sliced bread to wipe the hands.

In Roman antiquity, napkins known as "sudaria" and "mappae" were made in both small and large lengths. The sudarium, Latin for "handkerchief," was a pocket-size fabric earned to blot the brow during meals taken in the warm Mediterranean climate. The mappa was a larger cloth spread over the edge of the couch as protection from food taken in a reclining position. The fabric was also used to blot the lips. Each guest brought his own large mappa "napkin" and they became the first known "doggy bags" as guests leaving a Roman dinner had their mappa filled with leftover delicacies from the enormous feasts to take home. With the fall of Roman Empire, napkins disappeared from the dining table.

The Last Supper by Dieric Bouts depicting the use of napkins. 

Napkins returned to adorn the dining table many centuries later and the classic painting Last Supper from 1464-1467 AD by Dieric Bouts depicts the use of napkins on the dinner table. The use of the napkin in Europe began in 1400 on the tables of royalty, where they started to use napkins made from warm or even perfumed cloth. By the 16th century, napkins were part of rich dining experience and came in many sizes, known by various names like diaper, serviette, touaille (towel) depending on the size and intended use.

The art of napkin-folding in Europe began in Italy. The most popular, were those that were resembling animals. The folded napkins, or "serviettes", caught the eyes of all fashionable British, after the Restoration. Samuel Pepys wrote in 1669 in his diary, of a grand dinner held. The day prior, he wrote of having a caterer come to lay the table cloth and fold the napkins.

17th century saw the use of big sized napkins measuring 35" by 45" inches to help accommodate the needs of eating with bare hands instead of spoons and forks. The size reduced when forks and spoons were accepted as part of regular dining experience in major parts of Europe in the 18th century including Great Britain.

The 17th century also saw French come up with elaborate rules for nobility class which included instructions on napkin usage, a predecessor to modern day napkin etiquette, including the one which instructs the guests to not use the napkin for wiping the face or clean teeth or worse, rub one's nose.

“The French court imposed elaborate codes of etiquette on the aristocracy, among them the way to use a napkin, when to use it, and how far to unfold it in the lap. A French treatise dating from 1729 stated that "It is ungentlemanly to use a napkin for wiping the face or scraping the teeth, and a most vulgar error to wipe one's nose with it.” And a rule of decorum from the same year laid out the protocol: 

“The person of highest rank in the company should unfold his napkin first, all others waiting till he has done so before they unfold theirs. When all of those present are social equals, all unfold together, with no ceremony.

“Fashionable men of the time wore stiffly starched ruffled collars, a style protected while dining with a napkin tied around the neck. Hence the expression "to make ends meet." When shirts with lace fronts came into vogue, napkins were tucked into the neck or buttonhole or were attached with a pin. In 1774, a French treatise declared, "the napkin covered the front of the body down to the knees, starting from below the collar and not tucked into said collar.”– Margaret Visser

Napkin rings or "serviette holders" began in the Napoleonic period in Europe. The rings were used mainly by upper class families as a way to identify which napkin belonged to what family member. At the beginning of the 1800s, napkins became part of the bourgeois lifestyle, mostly to protect the sumptuous dresses of the period during meals. The art really took off around 1880 with the incoming prosperity of the Industrial Revolution. One etiquette book advised "one should, if possible, avoid taking the bones into your mouth and when removing any, should shield your mouth with your napkin."

A napkin folded into a kimono with the chopsticks tucked in for the diner to pull out for use.

Mrs Beeton’s book of Household Management, published in 1861, had an extensive reference section on napkin folding.  It also offered tips for the home's servants:

“Dinner over, the housemaid removes the plates and dishes on the tray, places the dirty knives and forks in the basket prepared for them, folds up the napkins in the ring which indicates by which member of the family it has been used, brushes off the crumbs on the hand-tray kept for the purpose, folds up the table-cloth in the folds already made, and places it in the linen-press to be smoothed out.

“After every meal the table should be rubbed, all marks from hot plates removed, and the table-cover thrown over, and the room restored to its usual order. If the family retire to the drawing-room, or any other room, it is a good practice to throw up the sash to admit fresh air and ventilate the room.”– Mrs. Beeton

In 1860's "The Ladies' Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness" by Florence Hartley, Mrs. Hartley recommends one bring a pincushion to a dinner party for use with the napkin:

"Sit gracefully at the table; neither so close as to make your movements awkward, nor so far away as to drag your food over your dress before it reaches your mouth. It is well to carry in your pocket a small pincushion, and, having unfolded your napkin, to pin it at the belt. You may do this quietly, without its being perceived, and you will thus really save your dress. If the napkin is merely laid open upon your lap, it will be very apt to slip down, if your dress is of silk or satin, and you risk the chance of appearing again in the drawing-room with the front of your dress soiled or greased."– Florence Hartley

And Arthur Martine's book of etiquette from the same period, gave advice on napkins and finger-bowls:

“Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the viands are removed, but they are intended merely to wet the fingers and around the mouth. When the finger-glasses are passed, wet your fingers in them and then wipe them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth at table is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never practiced by any well-bred person.Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your plate, but do not fold it." 

In 1895, George Rippey Stewart  lamented the British and their habits on the use of napkins:

“It is a matter of regret that table napkins are not considered indispensable in England; for, with all our boasted refinement, they are far from being general. The comfort of napkins at dinner is too obvious to require comment, whilst the expense can hardly be urged as an objection. If there be not any napkins, a man has no alternative but to use the table-cloth, unless (as many do) he prefer his pocket handkerchief— an usage sufficiently disagreeable.”

In 1911, Agnes Morton, in her book "Etiquette,"  wrote about napkins:

“Napkin rings are discarded by many who hold that a napkin should be used but once, and must be re-laundried before reappearing on the table.

Practically, such a fastidious use of table linen would exhaust most linen supplies, and overcrowd the laundry. The neat use of a napkin renders this extreme nicety superfluous as a rule of home dining, Care should certainly be taken to remove all soiled table linen. Nothing is more disgusting than a dirty napkin, but the snowy linen that comes spotless through one using may, with propriety, be retained in the ring to be used several times. This, of course, refers to every-day dining at home. On formal occasions no napkin rings appear on the table; the napkins are always fresh, and used for that time only. At the close of the dinner they are left carelessly on the table; not rolled or folded in any orderly shape.

Small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of fruits. Fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but these are not for utility, the dinner napkin doing service, while the embroidered 'fancy,' a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration.

Origami flower folded napkin in the plate for the first course.

Modern Day Napkin Etiquette

Paper napkins can be flimsy, so it is okay to use more than one. In a pinch, a paper towel can be used as a napkin. 

Napkins are never a part of your clothing so do not use your shirt sleeve or shirt tail to wipe your mouth with. 

Napkins can never be dipped in your water glass to then wipe your face with, once you are old enough to eat on your own. 

Tablecloths are no longer napkins. They were at one time in history, but that was very long ago.

Your wrists and the backs of your hands are not napkins.

A napkin stays on your lap the entire time you are seated to eat.  If you have to leave the table for a moment and others are still eating, your napkin goes on your seat until you return. 

Napkins do not go back on to the table until everyone at the table is finished eating. 

Paper napkins can be crumpled and put on your plate when you are done, if the plate will be thrown away, as well.  Cloth napkins go beside your plate, to the left.  

Unless you are part of the family, do not put your napkin back into a napkin ring unless you have been advised to do so by your host or hostess. 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia