Etiquette: Table Crumbing to Dessert

After the salad course, the table is crumbed with a folded napkin on to a china plate, and the dessert service is placed before the guest — the glass bowl and plate on the larger plate with a small, lace or embroidered doily between. – Above, crumbing the table using a table crumbed brush and pan set. These can be used for a more formal look and numerous antique versions can be found for purchase online.

Crumbing the Table & Serving Dessert

Dessert, as interpreted by the American hostess, is anything sweet that comes at the end of the meal -puddings, pies, ice-cream. Pie is never served at a formal dinner. Ice-cream, in one form or another, is almost the universal dessert. The dessert spoon is twice the size of a teaspoon, and with the fork which matches it in design, is laid either beside the dessert or upon it.

The present-day correct dessert service consists of a glass or china plate, deeper and about the size of a tea plate, a smaller glass plate and a finger bowl to match.

After the salad course, the table is crumbed with a folded napkin on to a china plate, and the dessert service is placed before the guest — the glass bowl and plate on the larger plate with a small, lace or embroidered doily between. The guest removes the finger bowl and doily to the cloth, and takes his ice-cream on the glass plate. This is then removed and the fruit is eaten from the larger plate. The fingers are dipped in the finger bowl and wiped on the napkin. Very lovely dessert sets, the three pieces matching, may be had in delicately colored glass.

Dessert may, however, be served in various ways, according to the pleasure of the hostess. It may be served “from the side,” where the plate would be set before the guest with the dessert silver on it. Or it may be served by the hostess at the table which would be the English form, the waitress taking the plates from the hostess and placing them before the guest - always from the left. In this case the silver would be laid on the cloth.

A fruit knife must be laid if fruit is to be served. At many really formal dinners the fruit course is omitted, since few care for both the sweet dessert and fruit. – From “The Gracious Hostess” by Della Thompson Lutes, 1923

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Fruit and Dessert Course Etiquette

A “dessert service,” usually consisting of  a dessert fork and knife, or dessert fork and spoon, all 3, or even a nut pick and fruit knife, along with a finger bowl, are brought out for each guest prior to dessert being served. “The two pieces (of flatware) are… standard practice and socially experienced hostesses use them because time and custom have proved that two pieces are functionally better than one.”— Mary D. Chambers, 1923

For dessert and fruit, you have a choice of two ways: 

(1) The dessert plate with the dessert silver on it and a second plate for fruit with the finger bowl and its doily on it with the fruit fork at the left and the fruit knife at the right. This is actually a two-course dessert service. 

(2) It is much simpler and equally as good service if you will set the finger bowl and its matching glass plate on the fruit plate with or without a doily between. Then place the dessert silver on the glass plate. The diner will remove the dessert silver and the finger bowl; the glass plate will be used as the dessert plate. After the dessert has been eaten, this plate is removed leaving the fruit plate ready for fruit. Should a fruit knife and fork be required, it can be brought at this time.

Today the above manner of serving dessert and fruit is confined to the home where the staff is expertly trained in traditional service. So few Americans take fruit after dessert; consequently the simple service for dessert is all that you will need.

Have the finger bowls about a third full of water. It's a nice note to add two or three flower petals or a small leaf, perhaps a tiny blossom, to the water; it helps to turn a routine procedure into an occasion.

Because more and more hostesses are omitting finger bowls (alas! since it is a gracious custom), they are placing the dessert silver at the top of the place setting and proceeding with dessert.

Why Two Pieces of Silver for Dessert?

The question is frequently asked, why is it necessary to have both the dessert fork and the dessert spoon for the dessert service? Why can't you use just the fork, say for pie or cake, and only the spoon when the dessert is ice cream or something else less solid?

Of course the single piece may be used and many hostesses do just that. The two pieces are, however, standard practice and socially experienced hostesses use them because time and custom have proved that two pieces are functionally better than one.— Mary D. Chambers, 1923

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Finger Bowl and Flower Etiquette

“It is always proper to use finger bowls, but it is not always done, and a hostess commits no breach in etiquette in not doing so, unless fruit has beer served.” — Madame Merri, 1912

Please answer in your columns whether it is always proper to use finger bowls at a dinner or luncheon. If so, should each guest be served with an individual bowl, or should one be passed around to each? Is it proper for a hostess to wear flowers?-M. E. P.

It is always proper to use finger bowls, but it is not always done, and a hostess commits no breach in etiquette in not doing so, unless fruit has beer served. One should be provided for each guest, put on a plate which has a finger bowl doily upon it. A hostess may wear flowers if she is fortunate enough to have them. — By Madame Merri, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Napkin is Important

Ideally speaking, a napkin is used but once between trips never used to the laundry and hence napkin rings would be unnecessary. But practically a great many persons cannot afford to do this and so the napkin ring has a perfectly legitimate place on the dining table and its use is infinitely preferable to the practice of folding the napkins in fantastic shapes as a means of identification. 

“If it is not seemly, do it not.” —Marcus Aurelius

Some people seem to think that they have learned all there is to know about managing the napkin when they have learned not to tuck it in the collar or otherwise use it as a sort of chest protector while eating.

But there is much more to the gentle art of using the napkin than that. Several hundred years ago, you know, it was the correct and altogether elegant thing to use the edge of the tablecloth for a napkin. At another period persons who knew what to do at the right time carried the napkin over the right arm when eating and, it is said, the custom among waiters of carrying a towel over the right arm dates from that time. 

At still another time in luxurious households a fresh napkin was served with each course and as the diners finished the course they let the used napkins slip to the floor so that at the end of a banquet a pile of damask lay on the floor at each place— the more bountiful the banquet the higher the pile of linen.

Now we find one napkin, simply folded at the right of our place of lying on the plate, as we sit down to dinner. We unfold it as deftly as possible and place it across our lap— “across the left knee” the strict authorities used to say. As need may require we wipe our fingers on the napkin beneath the table and occasionally raise it to our lips. 

When finger bowls are passed the fingers are dipped in the bowl, first one hand and then the other, and then wiped on the napkin. Never under any circumstances dip the napkin in the finger bowl. If we wish to wipe the lips with the water we should merely moisten the fingers, touch the lips, and then wipe the lips and fingers.

Ideally speaking, a napkin is used but once between trips never used to the laundry and hence napkin rings would be unnecessary. But practically a great many persons cannot afford to do this and so the napkin ring has a perfectly legitimate place on the dining table and its use is infinitely preferable to the practice of folding the napkins in fantastic shapes as a means of identification.

At a hotel or restaurant the napkin should never be folded after a meal but left at the right side of the place. When we take but a single meal at another person’s home we should do the same thing, but when taking more than one meal we should watch and see what others do. If they fold their napkins it would be rude for us not to do the same. When a napkin is folded do it unostentatiously as possible, never laying it out on the table and smoothing it into its original folds.

The question is sometimes asked whether or not it is in good form to serve paper napkins with refreshments at a social gathering. One would not find them at the homes of persons of means who could perfectly well afford to have damask napkins. However, since they are perfectly clean, inconspicious and conveniently answer the purpose for which napkins were invented, it would be absurd to say they were not in good form. 

Paper napkins would be in far better form at a an entertainment where the use of damask napkins would mean an extravagance on the part of the hostess. Where paper napkins are used for a supper it is best to have those that are perfectly white. — Morning Union, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Make’s One a Finer Person

Marjabelle Young Stewart’s photo from the back of her 1969 book, ‘Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say “How Do You Do”’

Good etiquette is just a sense, in a matter of speaking

She was the “Empress of Etiquette,” the “Queen of Courtesy” to her legions of readers. She was a protegee of Mrs. Meriwether Post and Mamie Eisenhower, and frequent guest at the White House. She moved from the nation’s capital to the “hog capital of the world” 37 years ago. Marjabelle Young Stewart reigned over her etiquette empire with books, videos, lectures and interviews with no hint of slowing down. With 21 books to her credit, in 2005 she was promoting “The Complete Wedding Planner.” 

According to Stewart at that time, etiquette books were outselling cookbooks. Her message was simple and consistent: Etiquette is a key to clear communication, a protocol for professional success, a tool for a happy and productive life. “Etiquette can take you where you want to go faster than a speeding BMW,” she said. “Good manners take you places money can't.” Etiquette is also the common-sense nuts and bolts of life. “Don't end up at the wedding with a wad of soggy, wet Kleenex. Be sure to take a lace-edged hankie,” she admonished. Stewart said her knowledge of etiquette started with on-the-job training. “I went from a 17-year-old girl in Council Bluffs, Iowa, to the wife of an international scientist in Washington, D.C.,” she said. “I became a ‘sipper.’ I'd sip my drink and look over and see what fork or spoon others at the table were using. It was on-the-job training at the highest level.” 

Mellowed by decades of weddings, state dinners and formal entertaining, Stewart said the ultimate goal of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable. She recalled a White House dinner with then-President George H.W. Bush, father of the current president, and his guests from Asia, where the custom is to serve a clear broth at the end of the meal. When White House staff served finger bowls at the end of the meal, guests were startled to see the Asian diplomats pick up the finger bowls and drink the contents. Without hesitation, Bush picked up his finger bowl and toasted his American guests, indicating they should follow suit. Everyone at the table drank the contents of their finger bowls. “That is etiquette,” said Stewart. 

“Etiquette is knowledge, not to criticize others with or to put on airs, but to make you a finer person. Use etiquette to make your family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues feel like royalty.” — From an article by Clare Howard, for the Copley News Service, 2005

Marjabelle Young Stewart died in 2007

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Royal Finger Bowl

Above: The finger bowls for the fruit or dessert course, currently being used for royal dinners at Buckingham Palace.— These early 19th century bowls were originally known as ‘wine rinsers’ and, occasionally, ‘wine coolers’. They were designed to rinse one’s wine glass in between the serving of various wines at a multi-course, formal dinner. A rinser would be placed within reach of each diner, filled 1/4 to 1/3 of the way up the bowl, with the coldest water possible, for rinsing and/or cooling a glass. Like miniature Monteith bowls, the wine glass would be inverted into the water. The stem of the glass would rest there in the water, until the next wine was poured, hence the “lips” on either side for resting the stems of the glasses. Theses bowls are sitting upon small, cocktail-sized napkins, placed atop the plate for the dessert or fruit course, along with the utensils for the course. It is more common to see a doily accompanying the finger bowl, however the word “doily” once referred to any small piece of woven linen. In either case, these should not be used to wipe or dry one’s hands. They are merely “seats” for the finger bowls once they are moved from the plate to the table.

—Photo source, “For the Royal Table: Dining at the Palace”

It is said to be a point of etiquette that when a member of the royal family dines, only the royal guest is supplied with a finger-bowl. The origin of this custom is perhaps not generally known, and is both curious and interesting. In the early days of the present dynasty, it was a matter of doubt who was loyal, and, when the toast of “The King” was given, all the Jacobites, as a matter of conscience, secretly passed their glasses over any water that happened to be near generally the finger-bowl. This action signified that the person so doing drank his toast to“the King over the water” —the exiled Stuart. When this became known the Court made a decree that no water was to be within reach of any of the guests, and singularly enough this rule holds till to-day. — The Weekly Calistogan, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Gilded Age Etiquette Humor

During the Gilded Age, much humor was made in newspapers and magazines regarding the niceties of fine dining and wealth. Especially, those in the royal palaces and grand manor houses of the aristocracy and monarchies in Great Britain and Europe, all while a sham aristocracy was growing among the titans of industry in America.
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“The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger bowl unless he does so prior to using it as a finger bowl. Thus, it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses.”

Valuable Suggestions as to the Use of the Napkin and Finger Bowl

It has been stated, and very truly, too, that the law of the napkin is but vaguely understood. It may be said, however, on the start, that customs and good breeding have uttered the decree that it is in poor taste to put the napkin in the pocket and carry it away. The rule of etiquette is becoming more and more thoroughly established, that the napkin should be left at the house of the host or hostess after dinner. There has been a good deal of discussion, also, upon the matter of folding the napkin after dinner, and whether it should be so disposed of, or negligently tossed into the gravy boat. 

If, however, it can be folded easily, and without attracting too much attention and prolonging the session for several hours, it should be so arranged, and placed beside the plate, where it may be easily found by the hostess, and returned to her neighbor from whom she borrowed it for the occasion. If, however, the lady of the house is not doing her own work, the napkin may he carefully jammed into a globular wad and fired under the table, to convey the idea of utter recklessness and pampered abandon. The use of the finger bowl is also a subject of much importance to the bon ton guest who gorges himself at the expense of his friends.

The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger bowl unless he does so prior to using it as a finger bowl. Thus, it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses. At the Court of Eugenie, the customs of the table were very rigid, and the most prominent guest of H. R. H. was liable to get the G.B. if he spread his napkin on his lap and cut his egg in two with a carving knife. The custom was that the napkin should he hung on one knee and the egg busted at the big end and scooped out with a spoon. 

A prominent American at her table one day, in an unguarded moment, shattered the shell of a soft boiled egg with his knife, and while prying it apart, both thumbs were erroneously jammed into the true inwardness of the fruit with so much momentum, that the juice took him in the eye, thus blinding him and maddening him to such a degree that he got up and threw the remnants into the bosom of the hired man plenipotentiary, who stood near the table, scratching his ear with a tray. As may readily be supposed, there was a painful interim, during which it was hard to tell for five or six minutes whether the prominent American or the hired man would come out on top, but at last the American with the egg in his eye got the ear of the high priced hired man in among his back teeth, and the honor of our beloved flag was vindicated. —Bill Nye’s Boomerang, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger-Bowls Won’t Replace Napkins

He is doing this incorrectly– One is only supposed to dip the fingers of one hand at a time into the bowl, and then, the other. Never should one dip both of their hands into the finger bowl at one time.

The practice, which has been attempted in England, of doing away with the use of table napkins, is not likely to prevail here to any extent soon. The idea in not using napkins, is that table manners should be so perfect, that the fingers will be as daintily clean at the close of a meal, as at the beginning. But we still have here the woman who finds it necessary not only to dip her fingers in the finger bowl, but to moisten her lips from it, and she is usually a lady in other respects. It is a practice only a shade more reprehensible than that of the woman who uses her drinking glass for a finger bowl. The individual who needs further ablutions than the ordinary use of the finger bowl will give, should take to a bib, and be relegated to the care of a nurse. – Sacramento Daily Union 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger Glass Etiquette

The use of "finger glasses," or "finger bowls" after dinner is quite a modern innovation in Germany, introduced from England.

The use of finger glasses after dinner is quite a modern innovation in Germany, introduced from England. Until about ten years ago, glasses were indeed brought round at dessert at the very end of the meal, but this was for the purpose of rinsing the mouth, and a very comical sight it was indeed to see gentlemen and ladles, in plain dress or en grande tenue. washing their mouths at a sumptuously furnished table —or for the matter of that, in any private or public assembly room—instead of retiring to some private chamber for this purpose. In Bavaria it often happens that persons of talent, but without much knowledge of the manners of what is called polite society, are invited to dine with royalty, and not unseldom has the mistake above referred to been made there. 

The following little anecdote, however, contains the details of a practical joke played by a number of artists on a colleague still living who had for the first time received an invitation to dine with the Prince Regent at the schloss at Munich. Several masters of the brush had received similar invitations, and, as the painter in question was somewhat elated and excited by the honor conferred upon him, and at the same time singularly nervous and inquiring as to the way he would be expected to behave at the royal table, his confreres put their heads together and determined to play a practical joke upon him. He was accordingly told: 

“The first time anybody is invited to dine at Court, a special drink is handed round in glass bowls and the newly-invited guest is expected, according to strict etiquette, to take one of these bowls in his hand and to rise and exclaim, ‘I drink to the health of his Royal Highness,’ and then to quaff the contents of the bowl at a draught, make a profound bow towards the Prince Regent, and so resume his seat!’” The gentleman in question acted to the letter according to the instructions given him. To the manners of the Court must be attributed the suppression of all suspicion of a giggle, and it is stated that the royal host did not appear in the least disconcerted, but afterwards over the beer the merriment was unrestrained.— London Telegraph, 1901 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Doily Diplomacy

Doilies under finger bowls are for table beautification only, not for use as napkins – Butler preparing the table for a very formal affair, using a candelabra, cutlery and silver that were sent to Washington in 1893 for the British Embassy in Washington D.C. – Photo source, Home and Design Magazine

The Diplomatic Mrs. Morton

A pretty story is told of Mrs. Morton’s tact and courtesy, quite equal to the tradition of Lady Washington’s crushing a tea-cup on purpose to relieve the embarrassment of the guest who had inadvertently broken one of her eggshell cups, in his large and careless hand. Mrs. Morton has a set of exquisitely painted doilies from the atelier of a noted Paris artist. One of her political dinner guests, after dipping his fingers in the finger bowl, drew out the priceless filmy square, and crushed it into a ball, trying to dry his hands as he talked learnedly with his hostess. Mrs. Morton smiled with a serenity for which, it is hoped, the recording angel will give her credit and said, “Such flimsy doilies are useless —let me give you another— but you know it’s the fashion.” And the grateful politician accepted the napkin and never knew his mistake.—New York Sun, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Over Royal Pretender

“Some people have declared that the Jacobites used to drink from the finger bowls themselves to ‘Charlie across the water,’ but this is a needless aspersion on the followers of James II...” – The focus of the Jacobitism political movement in Great Britain and Ireland. Jacobites and Charles Edward Stuart (1720 – 1788) aka “Bonnie Prince Charlie” aimed to restore him and his heirs to the thrones of England, Scotland, France and Ireland.

Royal Etiquette for Finger Bowls

During a visit of Royalty in a country house everybody rises when the Royal personage enters a room, but there is another custom which is perhaps little known to the outside world. That is a curious rule regarding finger bowls. 

At dinner parties where any members of the Royal family happen to be present, none of the other guests is provided with a finger bowl. The reason given for this practice is that it is a custom dating from the time of the pretender, when the Jacobites used to drink from them to “Charlie across the water.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Finger Bowl Etiquette

“They became ridiculously polite by carving bread with knife and fork, but the climax came when I set two bowls of rosewater before them as finger glasses...” – The finger bowls at Buckingham Palace, fom the book, “Dining at the Palace” 

Staggered by Finger Bowls

A very amusing scene occurred once while I was serving a lady and gentleman of the unmistakable upstart type. They were grossly ignorant of the most elementary rules of table etiquette, shoveling the food into their mouths with their knives, which were constantly loaded half-way up to the handles. They managed to struggle through their dinner, sometimes casting aside knives and forks and attacking game and poultry by cutting them in halves and eating from their hands, holding the leg. Sometimes, too, they became ridiculously polite by carving bread with knife and fork, but the climax came when I set two bowls of rosewater before them as finger glasses.  

They looked at each other, and then cautiously around the room, trying to find some solution of the mysterious dish before them, not having the sense to ignore it altogether. Whispered consultations took place, which presently grew into a suppressed quarrel, the lady reproaching her lord for his ignorance. Suddenly she was seen to shake the water around and around, and finally, with a look of contempt and superior wisdom, she raised the bowl to her lips and drank all the contents. Needless to say, that the hearty laughter of the other diners made them feel the mistake, and they beat a hasty retreat. —London TitBits, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia