Introduction Etiquette: A Refresher

Speak names clearly. Drop a hint if you want people to talk.

 

A 2nd Debut Article from 2021

1. Always introduce a man to a woman. 

2. When introducing two men or two women, always introduce the younger to the older. 

3. Say “May I present?” Or “I should like you to know.” 

4. Always use proper titles such as Miss, Mr., Mrs., Captain, Doctor, Judge.

5. Shake hands like a man with a man. With a woman, only if she first offers her hand.

6. Always stand up to be introduced, or to make introductions.

7. Look squarely at the person you are meeting. Let your glance be firm but friendly.

8. Say “How do you do” after being introduced. Never say “Pleased to meetcha.”

9. Speak names clearly. Drop a hint if you want people to talk.

10. Catch the name if you can. Ask for it if you didn't. — From “Manners for Moderns”, 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Collegiate Agony Aunt

At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. 

Sally's Social Slants

The purpose of this column (every column has to have a purpose) is for the help of those who would really like to know a little bit more about etiquette. Of course this may be an old story to the disciples of Emily Post, but many a problem arises on the campus which leaves you at a loss.

For instance, you are standing on the lawn between classes, talking to a friend. At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. Before you can introduce them (you surmise they have never met) your acquaintance turns her attention to “that screamingly funny thing she just heard in the Co-op.” Your friend, baffled by the names of “Bill,” “Jane” and “Mary,” whom he doesn't know, and who, from her description, sound rather flighty, mutters something to you about “a class” and hurries away.

What To Do?

You are left with the acquaintance who gabbles cheerily on, not realizing that you heard only half of what she was saying. What to do? Should you have broken into her conversation and introduced them, should you have said quietly “We are discussing the football game” thus winning her undying hatred, or should you have raised your voice and drowned her out, introduced them and then quickly sprinted away.

The thing to do! Let us rehearse the scene. You were talking to your friend, you saw your acquaintance coming (unless she sneaked up on you anyhow the result would be the same), with her approaching footsteps your face should leave that of your friend, and fold into a welcoming smile. Meet her rising tide of small talk with a quick “Well, hello (add her name to show you know it) oh, that's too bad about your low grade. Do you know my friend, Ben Gassing? Ben, this is Lotta Smalltalk.” 

Why Not Explain?

Now your duty is done, Let Lotta rave on, or Ben fidget. They know each other. But is your duty done? In a strictly etiquettal (is there euch a word) sense it is. But it seems rather unkind to listen to Lotta's chatter about Mary, Jane, or Bill, when Ben knows nothing about them. If Lotta insists on telling this screamingly funny incident (and why not?) you should say to Ben “Do you know Mary, Jane or Bill?” If he does, so much the better; if he doesn't, and the story involves more than just their names you should explain briefly as “Bill is a football player,” or “Mary runs the feature column.” This puts everyone at his ease, which is the basic purpose of etiquette after all. – From The Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Professional Titles in Social Situations

Socially a married woman doctor is called “Mrs.” especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as “Mr, and Dr. James Smith.” Many people will call your wife “Doctor” in direct address. – The late Amy Vanderbilt’s books are favorites of Etiquipedia. She preached common sense etiquette and manners in a relatable way.    

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am married to a woman medical student. In three years she will become an M.D. I have heard that the etiquette rule is that a woman doctor who is married is introduced as "Mrs." I would be proud to introduce my wife as "Doctor" even though I have no title myself. I wish you would set me right on this.— G.V., Baltimore

SOCIALLY a married woman doctor is called "Mrs." especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as "Mr, and Dr. James Smith." Many people will call your wife "Doctor" in direct address.

Only when both spouses are doctors is it usual for a married woman doctor to use her title socially and she doesn't necessarily do so then. Such a couple may be addressed either as "The Doctors Jones" or as "Dr. and Mrs. William J. Jones."

In introductions, depending on their preference, they are "The Doctors Jones" or "Dr. and Mrs. Jones."

If you phone them, of course, it is necessary to specify which Dr. Jones you are calling if the wife uses her title socially.– By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Introduction Etiquette

Make all your introductions simple. Say as few words as possible! Speak distinctly! 

HOW TO INTRODUCE

Make all your introductions simple. Say as few words as possible! Speak distinctly! 

As illustrations:
“Miss Brown, MAY I PRESENT Mr. Green?”

“Miss Brown, DO YOU KNOW Mr. Green?”

Or perhaps BEST OF ALL, simply their names:
“Miss Brown, Mr. Green.”

NEVER SAY:

“Miss Brown, I'D LIKE TO MAKE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH Mr. Green.”

“Mr. Jones, MEET Mr. Black.”

“Mr. Jones, SHAKE HANDS WITH Mr. Black.”

WHEN INTRODUCING A MAN TO A WOMAN always speak the woman's name FIRST! 

You may say: “Mr. Green, HAVE YOU MET Miss Brown” – indicating that the introduction bestows a favor on the gentleman and on the woman the respect that all women receive from well-bred men.

NEVER SAY: 

“Miss Brown, HAVE YOU MET Mr. Green?”

This conveys the impression that Mr. Green is more important than Miss Brown.

THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS HOWEVER:

Special distinction of office or advanced years may justify introducing a debutante to a famous author or scientist, a general or an admiral.

WHEN INTRODUCING MEN TO EACH OTHER, the best way is: 

“Mr. Smith, Mr. Brown.” 

From “Good Manners: 

Reliable Advice on Etiquette – Clearly Told,” 1930

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Checklist of Introduction Etiquette

Always stand up to be introduced, or to make introductions.

Check-list on Introductions

1. Always introduce a man to a woman.

2. When introducing two men or two women, always introduce the younger to the older.

3. Say “May I present?” Or “I should like you to know.”

4. Always use proper titles such as Miss, Mr., Mrs., Captain, Doctor, Judge.

5. Shake hands like a man with a man. With a woman, only if she first offers her hand.

6. Always stand up to be introduced, or to make introductions.

7. Look squarely at the person you are meeting. Let your glance be firm but friendly.

8. Say “How do you do” after being introduced. Never say “Pleased to meetcha.”

9. Speak names clearly. Drop a hint if you want people to talk.

10. Catch the name if you can. Ask for it if you didn't. — From “Manners for Moderns”, 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

For Brits, “Roof is Introduction”

The fact that you and the other guests are under the same roof is introduction ... “Simplicity of both thought and action is the basis of good breeding. One must use her common sense as well as her kindliness of heart and take into consideration that pretension is always a mark of vulgarity.” 

Introductions manners always improve with the cultivation of the mind, and we can turn the rule around, for the acquirement of good manners can only be attained by education and observations, followed by habitual practice. It would be a good thing if we had another Addison or Steel to turn our attention to the manners of our time, as these distinguished writers did in the ‘Spectator.’ The great mistake that most people make is in acquiring too much manner. Simplicity of both thought and action is the basis of good breeding. One must use her common sense as well as her kindliness of heart, and take into consideration that pretension is always a mark of vulgarity. 

Introductions are made indiscriminately in America and there is much to be learned in almost any set about the proper way to present one person to another. In the first place, you should never introduce one person to another unless you know that it is agreeable to both of them. “But.” you exclaim, “perhaps they are both at my home for an evening party!” Then these ladies should know the English law that “roof is introduction,” and remember that a casual conversation does not hurt anyone, neither does it entail a further acquaintance which might be awkward. In making an introduction the gentleman is always presented to the lady. The younger woman to the older woman.

In her own house a hostess should always extend her hand to a person introduced to her. At a dinner party the hostess need only introduce the gentleman to the lady that he is to take in to dinner. Even after introduction a man must wait for the woman to bow first when next they meet. When introducing a man, always give him his title, even if you are his wife. Introductions on the street are not in good taste, as one should not stop long enough on a promenade to present one person to another. If you are with someone and a friend stops her on the street, it is good taste for you to walk on slowly. • • • • Memo: Strive to live up to your favorable introduction. — By Idah McGlone Gibson

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and 19th C. Politeness

"Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards find that the acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable?"

Rules of Politeness and Introductions

As a general role, do not introduce a gentleman to a lady without first privately asking her permission. In going through the ceremony of introducing, pronounce the name of the lady first, adding; "Permit me to present to you Mr. —. " In introducing two gentlemen, present the younger one to the elder, or the one of lower rank to the one of the higher. If the gentlemen are about the same age, and equal in society, present the stranger to the one with whom you are the most intimate. The best form of expression that can be used in introducing two gentlemen, who are in the same circle, is to say; " Mr.— let me make you acquainted wilh Mr. —." But if you are addressing an elderly gentleman, always say, "Mr. — , permit me to present to you Mr. — ." 

A lady should always be perfectly at her ease while introducing her friends to one another, as she has, while performing this necessary little ceremony, great opportunity of proving whether or not her manners are truly graceful. It is not considered fashionable to introduce two persons who accidentally meet in your parlor, and who are paying you a morning visit. The object of this custom in France, (where it first arose) was to prevent formality, as visitors were expected to converse together without an introduction, and were afterwards at liberty to recognize each other or not just as they pleased. It is, therefore, in good taste if you find your guests do not converse together without an introduction to present them to one another. Never introduce in the street, unless the third person joins and walks with you. You may make an exception to this rule when the parties are mutually desirious of knowing one another. 

If you are walking with one lady, do not stop to converse with others who are unknown to her, as she must necessarily feel unpleasant. If you are walking with a gentleman you may follow the bent of your inclination, for if he is well bred he will attend your pleasure without evincing either impatience or awkwardness. A lady is at liberty to take either another lady or a gentleman to pay a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission: but she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty, if he desires to make any of his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be agreeable. 

A lady who is invited to an evening assembly may always request a gentleman who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany her. Acquaintances made in travelling, or accidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you afterwards finds that the 
acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable. When a gentleman is presented to a lady, if she is in her own house, and desires to welcome him, she may shake hands with him, but on any other occasion, unless the gentleman is venerable, or the bosom frfend of the husband or father, this practice is reprehensible. The same rule should be observed when a lady is introduced to a lady: although in this country the habit of shaking hands is very general. 

In introducing a friend, be as cautious of saying too much in his favor, as too little, for if the introduced be really the possessor of very good qualities, they will soon be lound out, and more appreciated than if they had in the first instance been all told. At a large dinner or evening party, although some persons strictly adhere to the French custom of not introducing, the mistress of the house shows real politeness by presenting to one another those persons who she thinks will assimilate in their dispositions. If there are strangers present, a party in America is apt to become formal through the omission of introductions; not so in Paris, where everybody converses with his neighbor without going through the unnecessary ceremony of a presentation. — Scientific American Magazine, 1846

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Art of Introductions

When meeting the fabulous looking new neighbors, please invite them to join your card game. —  "The ceremony of introduction may be said to form the threshold of that much-sought-after state which has been defined as "the intercourse of persons on a footing of apparent equality." 

The Custom of Introductions; Its Uses and Abuses in Society And Every Day Life

As the home is known as the foundation of society, so the ceremony of introduction may be said to form the threshold of that much-sought-after state which has been defined as "the intercourse of persons on a footing of apparent equality." 

In the cities and towns of cosmopolitan America, with few exceptions, this threshold is somewhat carelessly guarded by society at large, which accounts in a large measure for the presence of many undesirable people and manners, in even the inner circles of what is known as "good society." 

Few, perhaps, of what might be called the fundamental ceremonies of society, demand more care, thought and tact than the function of making two or more people acquainted with each other, especially if the person introduced should chance to be a "stranger within the city's gates" or beneath the roof where the new addition to one's calling list may be made. 

On the other hand, thousands of people believe that a casual and friendly introduction, under almost any circumstances, can hurt no one, but the fact remains that the etiquette of that tribunal known as the "upper circles" frowns down most decidedly the custom of indiscriminate introductions. 

At the same time, it must be confessed, that so-called "exclusiveness" is often the handmaid of vulgarity, and snobbishness is often rebuked by the well-bred person, who feels that it is better to sin against formal etiquette than to do anything that is unkind. 

Common sense and tact must largely interpret all etiquette, but in the matter of formal introductions, particularly those that may launch the waiting aspirant upon the sea of social life, perhaps above all other qualities, these may be used freely to obtain the happiest and most to be desired results. — Los Angeles Herald, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Retro 1950’s Etiquette Points

Do it this way.... Not the other!

Points for Parents and Retro "Modern Etiquette" from 1952

From Edyth Thomas Wallace 

and Roberta Lee

A small child's rudeness may be due to his ignorance of a more acceptable way of expressing himself.

Mother: "I'll slap your mouth every time you say such things as ‘shut up' to me. You are a bad boy to talk that way to your mother.” 

Mother:  "Instead of saying, ‘shut up, I’m talking,’ the polite thing to say is,‘Please don't interrupt me,' Now you say it the nice way."

Q.  Is it proper for women to shake hands with each other when being introduced? 

A. Women may, or may not, shake hands with each other, as they prefer, unless the one who is about to offer her hand is certain that it will be agreeable, she will do well not to be too hasty about making this advance. 

Q. If individual salt and pepper shakers are not used on the dinner table, how many should be provided? 

A. Salt and pepper shaker should be placed between every two covers. 

Q. When a girl is introducing the man she is to marry, should she speak of him as her fiancé?

A. Yes.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette's Benefits for Men

We are all supposed to know that the gentleman is introduced to the lady, no matter what his rank may be, never the lady to the gentleman. 

Manners and the Man

HOW many of us think about our manners? And yet isn’t it a true saying that manners make the man and lack of them the fellow? Think if you will how often you introduce gracefully one friend to another. We are all supposed to know that the gentleman is introduced to the lady, no matter what his rank may be, never the lady to the gentleman. 

For instance, you would say, "Miss James, this is my friend Mr. Swift,” but not “Mr. Swift, this is my friend Miss James.” Remember to present young people to their elders and single persons to married. Many persons wonder whether to shake hands on being introduced or simply to bow. If the introduction is formal, a bow is sufficient. But if the stranger is to become a friend, give a hearty grip. 

Ladies have the handshaking privilege. A gentleman doesn't offer his hand first. It is assumed always that a man is honored by an introduction to a woman. This is why the latter need never rise if she happens to be sitting when the introduction is performed. But she always rises to meet one of her own sex, and a man is bound to get up for any sort of introduction.It is easy to cultivate good manners—and it is profitable. As the world often judges us by the cut of our clothes, so it judges us by our manners. Then why not play the game by knowing the rules? Good manners cost nothing, and etiquette is easy to learn. The learning is a wonderful investment. —Beatrice Fairfax, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Art of Introduction

"The debatable question as to whether a woman should shake hands with a man who is being presented to her, has been solved by making it only obligatory, for the woman to offer her hand to the man when the occasion is informal, and the man is being introduced to one person at a time."

Art of Introduction

There are few people who have not suffered at one time or another by the off-hand manner in which they were introduced to others. This kind of introduction is likely to embarrass some people, just as the careful and gracious introduction is one of the essentials in putting strangers at ease.

In introducing people the greatest care should be taken to pronounce both names distinctly.  If one name has escaped the introducer's memory it is safest and best to excuse oneself, and ask for the forgotten name. The most delicate sensibilities should not be wounded by such a slip of memory, for who is there who has not at some time or another quite forgotten a well-known name?

The debatable question as to whether a woman should shake hands with a man who is being presented to her, has been solved by making it only obligatory, for the woman to offer her hand to the man when the occasion is informal, and the man is being introduced to one person at a time. When he is meeting a group of people, it makes it embarrassing and awkward to shake hands with all. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Introductions

It is quite unnecessary to introduce a newcomer to the guests already assembled during an afternoon call. She should be presented to one or two near her, but the whole room need not be broken up by her arrival, as it would be were she to meet all those present. (Unless, of course, she was invited by mistake to embarrass the family and the new daughter in-law needs to rescue her philandering new father in-law.)

When Introducing Strangers...


Presenting persons to each other is one of the little courtesies of daily life so simple that it should be done correctly without effort. The rules are inflexible, chief among them being that the man is always presented to the woman — that is to say, the form is such that the woman during the presentation is usually asked if Mr. So-and-So may be introduced to her. The introduction may be put in the form of a question, as "Mrs. So-and-So, may I present Mr. Smith to you?" or, "Mrs. So-and-So, I wish to present Mr. Smith to you." The hostess never says to the man: "I wish to present Mrs. So-and-So."


It is a rule that the younger woman is always presented to the older one, and an unmarried woman to a married one. A young man, of course, is always presented to an older one. It is the courtesy due to age.


One making the introduction cannot be too particular in mentioning names, and they should always bo given clearly. It is exceedingly trying for two persons not to know what to call each other. In the case of a married woman presenting a person to any of her relatives the greatest care should be taken to call the name, but altogether to often one hears the matron say: "I want to present you to my sister," or "aunt," or "mother," quite failing to say what the name of the relative is, and the stranger knows that it is not that of the married woman.


It is not necessary nor, indeed, expected that a woman shall rise to speak to the newcomer, unles the latter should be older. Youth always rises for age if one is courteous. The hostess stands to welcome a new arrival, but the others merely bow as they sit. A woman never rises to greet a man unless she is hostess or unless she wishes to pay him a special compliment. The only exception in this is when the woman is very young and the man many years her senior.


Shaking hands is a custom much fallen into disuse and is omitted at the usual first meeting, if the two people being introduced are intimate friends of the hostess they are apt to have heard of and have an interest in each other, and express cordiality by shaking hands. A man should never offer his hand first to a woman, but should he do it, a woman should take it. To refuse is more than awkward. A hostess or host is apt to shake hands with the guests of their house simply because it makes their greeting more hospitable, but it is not obligatory. If it were possible to sum the this fixedly, one would say that with friends one shook bands because one wished to, and to acquaintances merely bowed. But this is not a fixed principle of etiquette. There is much leeway.


It is quite unnecessary to introduce a newcomer to the guests already assembled during an afternoon call. She should be presented to one or two near her, but the whole room need not be broken up by her arrival, as it would be were she to meet all those present.–Los Angeles Herald, 1907

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of 19th C. Balls and Assembly Rooms

“Dance only from the hips downwards” was the guiding etiquette rule.

Dancing has been defined as a "graceful movement of the body, adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, or of voice;" and again, "agreeable to the true genius of the art, dancing is the art of expressing the sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of the figure and by graceful gestures; all performed to the sound of musical instruments or the voice."

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." 

In another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion."

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at once proceed with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, there leaving her; and then repair to the gentlemen's dressing-room. In the mean time, the lady, after adjusting her toilet, will retire to the ladies' sitting-room or wait at the door of the dressing-room, according as the apartments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested himself of hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the man having charge of the hat-room, receiving therefor a check, and after arranging his toilet, he will proceed to the ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the entrance to the ladies' dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, and with her enter the ball-room. The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be overlooked or forgiven.
                                      

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners, regardless of his height.

With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as floor managers, or there will be a "Master of the Ceremonies," whose office it is to see that everything be conducted in a proper manner: if you are entirely a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a partner, and point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of position, they will present you for that purpose; should there be an objection, they will probably select some one they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an impertinent fellow for your presumption.

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners: as the Master of Ceremonies is supposed to be careful to introduce only gentlemen who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified as a dancer should never seek an introduction.

At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. The gentleman should respectfully offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of the set he will conduct her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. A gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too often with the lady to whom he is engaged.

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided—unless, indeed, she first bows— as neither she nor her friends can know who or what you are.

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you?" If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you.

When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else.

Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes.

If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and she promises to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you care for a lady, form in themselves a tacit insult.

In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be given at the commencement and conclusion of each dance.
               

Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not drag her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not unjustly, think you a bear. You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille without knowing something of “the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, so much the better. But dance quietly; do not kick and caper about, nor sway your body to and fro; dance only from the hips downwards; and lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of gossamer.

Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and those of a gentleman there is a great difference. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson.

Immediate attention should be paid to any request made by the Master of Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings respecting the dance should be referred to him, his decision being deemed final. Otherwise his superintendence of the ball will be attended with great inconvenience.

When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you should accidentally occupy another couple's place, on being informed of the intrusion, you should immediately apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another position. Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head or sides, indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition altogether unsuited for an occasion where all should meet with kindly feelings.

When a company is divided into different sets, persons should not attempt to change their places without permission from the Master of Ceremonies. No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires their assistance to complete the set, should leave the room or sit down before the dance is finished, unless on a very urgent occasion, and not even then without previously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may find substitutes. If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; you must only lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.

Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs the harmony of the company, and should be avoided if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any intention to annoy; remember, also, that the really well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way.

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage of ladies, where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing them; or when he is obliged to go in front, because he cannot get behind them, it is but common courtesy for him to express his regret at being compelled to annoy them. A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the absence of friends, address a stranger, and offer him a partner, asking his name previous to an introduction, and mentioning that of the lady to him or not, as he may think proper.

It is improper to engage or reëngage a lady to dance without the permission of her partner. Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have the best seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in all cases to your courteous protection. Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room alone; they should either be accompanied by their guardian or a gentleman. Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room assemblage, or other party, unattended. The former should be accompanied by other married ladies, and the latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a gentleman is a sufficient companion for either.

Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a dance, particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar with the figures. Besides rendering themselves awkward and confused, they are apt to create ill-feeling, by interfering with, and annoying others. It were better for them to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject of animadversion. 

As we have elsewhere said, modesty of deportment should be the shining and preëminent characteristic of woman. She should be modest in her attire, in language, in manners and general demeanor. Beauty becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive homeliness is rendered agreeable by its influence.

When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should dance with her first, or offer so to do; and it should be his care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance. After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat, unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a lady should not be unattended, at any time, in a public assembly.

When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with her. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms.

If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet friends or acquaintances whom you don't intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow or nod to them at every round would be tiresome and therefore improper; have no fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to say to them, join them at once.

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms and phrases from conversation, not only in assembly-rooms, but on all occasions; and we would particularly caution our young lady friends against even the recognition of those équivoques and double entendre which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, introduce.

Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import, nor seem to recognize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a subject of discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. All wanton glances and grimaces, which are by libertines considered as but so many invitations to lewdness, should be strictly shunned.

No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too guarded in her actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive of happiness to her as absolute guilt; and of her character we may say with the poet: “A breath can make them, or a breath unmake."

In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes should endeavor to wear a pleasant countenance; and in presenting hands, a slight inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation, is appropriate and becoming. Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad."
                         

The "Father of English Grammar,” Lindley Murray

We have already alluded to the importance of a correct use of language in conversation, and though we are aware that it is absolutely impossible to practice it without a certain degree of education, yet we would urge that the habit which many acquire, more through carelessness than ignorance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. Many a young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton contempt for the rules of Lindley Murray.

Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the opportunity of recording an incident in the career of a young man "about town," who, anxious to see life in all its phases, was induced to attend a public ball, the patrons of which were characterized more for their peculiarity of manners than their extraordinary refinement. 

On being solicited by an acquaintance, whom he respected for his kindness of heart and integrity rather than for his mental accomplishments, to dance with his daughter, he consented, and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the musicians were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from "Trovatore," the young lady asked: "Do you know what that 'ere is?" Supposing that she meant air, and wishing to give her an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piece of information, in utter disregard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he replied, "No." "Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous." With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly found his admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance, as it had before been exalted by her beauty.

At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as possible to all parties. With this purpose in view, the latter should, therefore, avoid showing marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. 

We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. “On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to each other without being first satisfied that such a course will be mutually agreeable. The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be agreeable to either party.

From “Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia