Old World Duenna Etiquette Points

A Chaperon or “Old World Duenna” – “WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.” 

Etiquette: Some Points About Chaperons, Their Use and Abuse

“WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.”

Not many of us will be found worthy to wear one of greater radiance, if cheerfulness, an absolute disregard of self, ingenuity in improvising pleasures in which she takes but an observer's part, and an unwearied amiability that keeps her sweet, smiling and wakeful until her young charge has had her fill of pleasure, be any qualification for such a reward. The post is no sinecure, and its duties are often a thankless, unenviable task.

Of course, the natural chaperon of a girl is her own mother, whose interest in all that in any way concerns her child makes the position an easy one and all her labor of love; but one whose presence is imposed to “play propriety” where no such necessity is recognized, naturally feels the embarrassment of being unwelcome. It is therefore but fair that her position should be understood and defined.

The Need of Chaperons

In Europe, and in those parts of America which have felt the influence of Old World customs, the first demand of polished society is that young girls shall be properly chaperoned. It is considered one of, the elegances of life, one of the graces of the best society and an evidence of the tender respect with which young womanhood is regarded; such a formality being held to safeguard it from all chance of evil or the appearance of it.

The world has grown too small, through the closer intercourse of its civilized peoples, for any to escape its inherited traditions and prejudices.

Time was when we were so provincial and inconspicuous that we could make our own social laws, and we were proud of the freedom that could exist between our young women and their men acquaintances, and protested against the duenna system as a reflection upon their trustworthiness.

Strong in their innate sense of propriety, their moral dignity, discretion and modesty, the girls felt quite competent to take care of themselves, and the young men resented the suggestion of a chaperon as an insult to their honor. From their mental attitude, their self-respecting standpoint and the customs of their environment, they were justified, and there are not wanting many yet to hold these opinions.

To such I would say that chaperonage is a representative thing. It typifies the sheltering care, the jealous protection, of something very precious. It sets a higher value upon the object by protecting and hedging it round in the eyes of others, and particularly in those of young men who are apt to sigh for the fruit toat hangs highest.

The Value of a Chaperon

There is no doubt, also, that the presence of a chaperon greatly improves the manners of the young people.

There are girls who are inherently well bred, but who, having the natural, instinctive desire to please, sometimes fear to be considered prim, proper and “goody-goody,” if they do not join in the pranks and imitate the manners of those who seem to be overmuch at their ease in young men’s society. To such the presence of a chaperon is never an unwel- come restraint.

A loud laugh, familiar manners, unrestrained attitudes, are not attractive; and in the freedom of the club men discuss these matters, and those who fancy that such recommend them are held cheap.

A vivacious girl, with the high spirits of youth and its ignorance of the world and its ways, has sometimes been misunderstood and placed in a false position, which the presence of a chaperon would have averted.

Many a girl would give the world to efface memories of indiscretions of conduct that bring a blush when recalled. Motherless and brother-less girls are especially in danger of misconception. The after rough criticism of other girls heard from a brother is a lesson in manners that usually makes an impression.

If a chaperon is what she should be, her presence will not wet-blanket the merriment and spontaneity, but merely tone down the excessive exuberance; the girls will not be less winsome but less giddy, with manners high bred, not conspicuous.

"What are the moments in life most likely to be remembered?" asked one clever woman of another. “Those in which we forgot ourselves,” was the answer, given with a sigh.

A girl is sometimes glad to intrench herself behind the bulwarks that society has reared about her, to defend herself from unwelcome devotion or attentions.

The Proper Chaperon

A chaperon should be an example to her young charges in the conventions, and all social questions should be refer- red to her. She should therefore be em- phatically a gentlewoman, knowing the usages of polite society; her reputation, of course, above question.

A European father who had lost his wife would never place a young unmarried daughter at the head of his house without a resident chaperon, and the im- propriety of doing so is now acknowledged with us.

There are not wanting, in this country of financial ups and downs, ladies who are qualified in every way for such a position. Such a one should be treated by every one in the household as though she were the social equal and entitled to the same deference as the lady of the house whom she represents. Then, and only then, can she do justice to the position and give to the young girl what she needs.

A Chaperon’s Duties

The chaperon should endeavor to see that hospitable doors are open to her charge; that well bred and agreeable young men are presented to her, and it is her responsibility that the girl reciprocates the attentions that she receives in a manner befitting her position.

Much tact is necessary not to draw the rein too tightly. A leading strap would be the better figure; that leaves the young subject free, but checks readily when it is necessary. A chaperon must be careful never to antagonize her charge or appear to watch her. She should respect the privacy of her letters, and never take the opportunity to rebuke or condemn when a confidence is given. Indeed, her only chance of success is to win the girl's real respect and affection, and then encourage confidence in order to be able to act for her good and advantage and never from personal motives or curiosity.

It is her duty, however, to reprove her charge if she is careless in her demeanor with young men. All invitations to men should be given in the name of the mother or chaperon.

In traveling through Europe young girls may go almost anywhere under proper chaperonage to theaters, operas, studios and into society. Only when intrenched within the dignified position of a worker can a young woman dispense with the demand of etiquette for a chaperon.

A young man regardful of the proprie- ties never asks a girl to accompany him to any place of amusement without either extending the invitation to her mother or chaperon, or asking some married woman of suitable age and position to accompany them.

Under exceptional circumstances young brother has sometimes been allowed to fill the position of duenna, prob- ably because of a boy's well known reputation of allowing nothing to escape his observation, and reticence not being a conspicuous characteristic.

A theater party of young persons unchaperoned would be considered as quite beyond the pale of good society in New York.

The host calls first for the chaperon before going for the young woman, unless it is arranged that they are to meet at her house. At a supper after the theater he seats that lady first and treats her as the guest of honor.

An entertainment at a man's bachelor apartments, at the annex of his club or at a restaurant of reputation may be en- joyed by young girls properly chaperoned. One of his own married kinswomen would give much dignity to the gayety.

When a lady is invited to be chaperon for a special occasion, a carriage is always sent to take her to the place appointed, if the host does not call for her, and returns to take her home.

An Agreeable Chaperon

A chaperon should endeavor to make herself so agreeable that her society will not be more of a penance to the young man who falls to her lot than she can help. She need not "talk down" to him, and in her conversation she should re- member that the young do not enjoy grave subjects when merriment has been the object of their meeting. Neither should she try to place herself on his level and assume airs of juvenility. She will only appear ridiculous to the keen young eyes that will mercilessly judge her. There are many subjects upon which young and old may meet upon common ground and talk with naturalness and enthusiasm – books, music, art, the play, charming people, authors, artists, lecturers, travel, amateur photography, bicycling, golf, tennis, botanizing-minds and souls have no age. – By Mrs. Burton Kingsland in the San Francisco Call, 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette and Chaperones

Though this was written in the Gilded Age, chaperones were still in fashion until after WWII. This photo (by an unknown photographer) shows Mrs. Chambers (chaperone), Bonnie Mealing, Clare Dennis, Frances Bult, Eileen Wearne, Thelma Kench (N.Z. sprinter) at the 1932 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, California, USA.
⚜️⚜️⚜️ ⚜️⚜️⚜️ ⚜️⚜️⚜️
“Chaperone” or “Chaperon”? “Chaperone” is the modern English spelling of the word and used more often than the older, more antiquated spelling of “chaperon.” – Image source, Wikipedia

The need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers. Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna young woman carefully guarded in her home. It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.

In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in society, to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance.

The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.

The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends. Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to any place of public amusement.

No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. – From a 19th C. Book of Manners, by an Anonymous Author

⚜️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Chaperonage

The Chaperone — Ready to spoil just about everyone's fun! 

Chaperonage in 1899 

The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without a chaperone.

A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond regret.

It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant.

When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman relative, or maid.

The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism. — From Practical Etiquette

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia