Etiquette for Telephoning

When there are several different persons using the same line, two or three of them may mistake the call for theirs, and all rush to the telephone at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in politeness, they will make it quite unpleasant for each other. - From "Practical Etiquette," 1899  

While it is fun to read retro-etiquette or vintage etiquette posts, which preceded our carrying our phones everywhere with us,  they rarely need much modification to suit today's needs.  Keep this in mind when reading. With mobile phones, or cell phones, fewer people are making actual phone calls. Texting and engagement through social media sites are far more prevalent. 

The amount of text, email and social media app data usage, surpassed the amount of voice data used in cell phone calls in less than a decade. One 40-year-old marketing consultant from Canton Massachusetts, said that she probably only spoke to someone verbally on her cell phone, once a week, when interviewed by the New York Times in 2010. To get, and keep jobs, in which conversation skills are highly valued, proper telephone manners may have to be learned, or refreshed, as the current trends continue.

Telephoning

For the benefit of those who but seldom make use of the telephone, and consequently feel more or less ill at ease when attempting to use one, and also for those who, from ignorance of the first laws of politeness, or who, from thoughtlessness, ignore them, a few hints upon the subject may not come amiss. It is after having called up “Central,” and been given the number requested, that one often stands in need of no small amount of tact and good breeding, as well as of some idea of the best method of procedure. 

When there are several different persons using the same line, two or three of them may mistake the call for theirs, and all rush to the telephone at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in politeness, they will make it quite unpleasant for each other. The one entitled to speak should politely inquire for the one for whom she has called at the telephone, also giving her own name as the one delivering the message. If this does not suffice to enlighten those who sometimes keep calling “hello,” “hello,” without waiting to learn if they are the ones desired, the one talking should again announce herself, and the name of the one to whom she wishes to speak. Then, occasionally, even while in the midst of a conversation, some one will break in with a “Hello!” “Who is it?” “What do you want?” etc., which is quite distracting. If one can gain a hearing in no other way, it is well to say: “Excuse me, I hold the line.” If this does not bring order out of chaos, one should ring off and call again.

One should be careful not to call up friends at inconvenient hours, and when one is notified by a servant, or otherwise, that someone, the name being given, is at the telephone wishing to speak with her, she should certainly be as expeditious as possible in replying; for, by holding the wire, she is inconveniencing others, as well as the one who is waiting for her. No lady needs to be warned against speaking discourteously under any circumstances to the telephone assistants at the central office. It is in these little things that one shows herself to be well-bred or not.

None, of course, but the most informal of invitations can be delivered by telephone.

Servants should be taught always to answer the telephone politely and intelligently. When answering, a servant should say whose residence it is, if asked, not by giving the family name, as “Smith,” but as “Mr. Smith,” and then, if asked who is at the instrument, she should reply, “Mrs. Smith’s cook” or “maid.”

One’s individual manners, and ordinary polite or impolite forms of address, are very noticeable when accentuated by the telephone. — From Practical Etiquette 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Chaperonage

The Chaperone — Ready to spoil just about everyone's fun! 

Chaperonage in 1899 

The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without a chaperone.

A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond regret.

It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant.

When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman relative, or maid.

The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism. — From Practical Etiquette

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Francatelli's Legacy

"At Windsor Castle, Francatelli, and then the royal chefs who followed him during Victoria’s long reign, had at least two Yeomen of the Kitchen and 24 assistant chefs to prepare these meals, and then, of course, all kinds of servers and lackeys were involved in washing, table-setting, serving and clearing away." —M.F.K. Fisher 

"Her Majesty’s (Queen Victoria's) French? Italian? English? chef, Charles Edme Francatelli, wrote ''The Modern Cook'' in 1846, and it sold almost as well in America as in England. Few kitchens here could follow all its directions for the light Gallic dainties Francatelli introduced to counteract the basic heaviness of royal dining habits, but gradually his style of making two courses of a meal, with a predominance of sweet dishes in the second, was adapted by our housekeepers to shape the way we now eat lunch and dinner.

In the Queen's menus, there were often three soups, three fishes, a kind of savory (for instance, marrow patties with a fines-herbes sauce), four dishes and eight entrées in the first course, all served at once. In the second there were three roasts and poultry and game, three sweet desserts, two more side desserts of pastry, and 12 entremets, including vegetables, aspics and fruit tartlets.

At Windsor Castle Francatelli, and then the royal chefs who followed him during Victoria’s long reign, had at least two Yeomen of the Kitchen and 24 assistant chefs to prepare these meals, and then, of course, all kinds of servers and lackeys were involved in washing, table-setting, serving and clearing away. 

Nonetheless, American housewives as far west as Iowa and then beyond, helped by one or two immigrant servants, read ''The Modern Cook'' and its lesser imitators and gradually changed the accustomed pattern of one long hodge-podge of dishes served together, even in a plain Family Meal, to two courses, with sweets alone finally constituting the second course. This might consist of two kinds of pies or tarts, a cool pudding, a jelly and a tall layered cake, but at least these did not appear side by side with roast pigeons, asparagus soup and a haunch of venison flanked by boiled vegetables." — From Food: The Arts (Fine and Culinary) of 19th Century America
By M. F. K. Fisher

Etiquette Duties of Dinner Hosts

"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are."  Brillat-Savarin ...  "To invite a friend to dinner," says Brillat -Savarin, "is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof." 

In summing up the little duties and laws of the table, a popular author has said that — "The chief matter of consideration at the dinner-table — as, indeed, everywhere else in the life of a gentleman — is to be perfectly composed and at his ease. He speaks deliberately; he performs the most important act of the day as if he were performing the most ordinary. Yet there is no appearance of trifling or want of gravity in his manner; he maintains the dignity which is so becoming on so vital an occasion. He performs all the ceremonies, yet in the style of one who performs no ceremonies at all. He goes through all the complicated duties of the scene as if he were 'to the manner born.'" To the giver of a dinner we have but one or two remarks to offer. If he be a bachelor, he had better give his dinner at a good hotel, or have it sent in from Birch's or Kühn's. If a married man, he will, we presume, enter into council with his wife and his cook. In any case, however, he should always bear in mind that it is his duty to entertain his friends in the best manner that his means permit; and that this is the least he can do to recompense them for the expenditure of time and money which they incur in accepting his invitation.

"To invite a friend to dinner," says Brillat Savarin, "is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof." Again:--"He who receives friends at his table, without having bestowed his personal supervision upon the repast placed before them, is unworthy to have friends." A dinner, to be excellent, need not consist of a great variety of dishes; but everything should be of the best, and the cookery should be perfect. That which should be cool should be cool as ice; that which should be hot should be smoking; the attendance should be rapid and noiseless; the guests well assorted; the wines of the best quality; the host attentive and courteous; the room well lighted; and the time punctual. —From "Routledge's Manual of Etiquette"
by George Routledge and Sons, c. 1860s

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

White House China Etiquette

The White House "China Room" in 1918

The ground floor China Room is where the White House collection of china is kept. Even the earliest Presidents received government funds to purchase state china. However, by a special clause in the appropriation bills, "decayed furnishings" could be sold and the proceeds used to buy replacements. Such "furnishings" included state china, and during the 19th century the cupboards were frequently swept clean and the contents carted off to auction. The money could then be used to order a new china service that better suited the President and his family.

Even into the 20th century, White House china was often given away if it was chipped or broken. Later, Congress passed a law that required that all U.S. Presidential china be kept or destroyed. When new dessert plates for the Johnson administration turned out badly, the White House staff smashed it against a basement wall painted with caricatures of the President's assistants.

Today, nearly all Presidents are represented in the china collection one way or another. And full services suitable for state dinners exist for the B. Harrison, Wilson, F.D. Roosevelt, Truman, L. Johnson, Reagan, and Clinton sets, although the older sets are much smaller than the newer ones and cannot be used for the largest events. Replacement pieces are occasionally ordered for these, as pieces become chipped or broken.

Wilson — 120 settings

F.D. Roosevelt — 120 settings

Truman — 120 settings

L Johnson — 216 settings

Reagan — 220 settings

Clinton — 300 settings

Bush — 320 setting formal set, 75 setting informal set

Above from the White House Museum.Org

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. French Baptismal Etiquette

Baptismal font in Toulouse, France ~ When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

Etiquette Of Baptism

We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you can seek a specious excuse.

When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own condition and that of the parents of the child.

A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good ton for the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom!

The attendant and the nurse have also a present.

The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should inspire in those who have adopted them before God.

At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the father, who accompanies the other invited persons.

It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new year’s gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during the whole of its life.

From the 6th Paris Edition of  “The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes.” by Mme. Elisabeth Celnart, 1833 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Seating Etiquette

The reason seating arrangements is worth thinking about in advance, is that you'll be asked the question, “Is there any place in particular you'd like us to sit?” and your mind will have a hard time switching gears. 

Diplomatic careers have foundered on bad decisions about who should sit where, but with six people you've got nothing to worry about. Because couples often go through life welded together at the hip, it might make for a more interesting dynamic not to have the same two people who breakfast together every morning of their mortal lives seated together at a dinner, as well. 

Convention likes to have a man seated next to a woman seated next to a man seated next to a woman. But since couples no longer come exclusively in those pairings and since your table might not conform to three of one, three of the other, best to seat people for conversational possibility rather than atavistic allegiance.

The reason it's worth thinking about in advance, is that you'll be asked the question, “Is there any place in particular you'd like us to sit?” just as you're draining the pasta or taking the muffins out of there tin, and your mind will have a hard time switching gears.

You want the talkers and the listeners fairly evenly distributed around the table. You probably don't want the three men who were college roommates absorbed in a tête to tête to tête, at one end of the table. Nor do you want the shy cousin who invited you to dinner when you first moved to town, to have only you to talk to throughout the meal, the cocktail hour having pretty much exhausted your news of the family. So say firmly, “Yes, I'd like Marjorie on my right, Fritz on my left, and if Betty would go to the other end of the table, the rest of you can sit where you like.” — From 1993's “Rising to the Occasion”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington Centenary Etiquette

William Henry Harrison was the 9th President of the United States. The last president born as a British subject, Harrison died of pneumonia merely 31 days into his term, thereby serving the shortest tenure in United States presidential history. He was the first president to die in office. Harrison's death briefly sparked a constitutional crisis, leaving unsettled Constitutional questions as to the presidential line of succession. 

If we could be carried back into the 18th century we should behold a country totally unfamiliar to us, and the material transformation which the progress of a hundred years has wrought, but measures a corresponding change in the national attitude. Though only the Chief Magistrate of a Government which was viewed with scant respect abroad, and composed of a few factious states that offered many intricate puzzles in statecraft, and sharply checked any extension of the executives power, nevertheless the Republican Court was hedged in by much more formality than is now permitted, to rule the White House.

Were we to apply the principle of evolution to social forms, we could see how well they have been demonstrated in the changes wrought in the etiquette of the Federal Capital. Washington's attendance, upon Congress in a cream-colored coach, drawn by six white horses, with outriders and postilions, escorted by the Secretary of State and the Secretary of the Treasury, savored of Kingly state. His receptions were chillingly formal, but in strict accordance with his sense of Presidential propriety, which forbade the ceremonial of hand-shaking as too familiar. England's yoke had been thrown off, but her influence was still apparent in the aristocratic tinge of society and the imitation of her form.

As the notion of the Republic has been developed, these remaining traces of Royal ceremonies have disappeared, until now. President Harrison steps from the ranks of private citizenship into the executive chair of a nation great in extent and influence without any essential change in the etiquette of his intercourse with his fellow-citizens, and now Americans see nothing derogatory to the indignity of the high position when our President serves his guests to refreshments or assists them in the cloakroom. 

These changes have deep seated causes. The cheers which will re-echo for President Harrison on his progress to New York will have a widely different keynote from those that greeted Washington. The pulse of the nation, then struggling to its feet, beat high with hope and with fear for their new Government. Under the Confederation, the United States were hopelessly drifting toward anarchy, and the terrors of the French revolution filled American elites with forebodings for their own future. 

The Federal Government seemed to offer a remedy, but might not the President become an absolute Monarch, and the Senate arrogate to itself aristocratic privileges and relentlessly crush the liberty of the States. Thus it was that a deep undercurrent of anxious emotion surged through the hearts of the citizens who greeted Washington, while the cheers which will resound for Harrison as he follows in his predecessor's footsteps will arise from hearts full of proud satisfaction in their President, and trusting with perfect confidence in the form of Government that has so well stood the test of the century, and under which the country has achieved such unparalleled progress. — Pacific Rural Press, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Travel

Learn the culture, what's acceptable and unacceptable. For example, "almost half of all Japanese hotels ban tourists with tattoos from public bathing areas due to tattoos being common among yakuza crime organizations, although these bans are being reconsidered by Japan’s tourism agencies in an effort to boost tourism. However, they’re not the only country with tattoo bans. Thailand and Sri Lanka are cracking down on tourists getting Buddha tattoos while visiting due to cultural insensitivity." — From TravelAgeWest.com 

Choose the Right Destination 

Make informed choices when picking destinations. Learning about a country or area before you go, will help you decide whether it's the right destination for you. It will hopefully prevent unpleasant surprises, too. What will the weather be like? What foods are commonly available? Unexpected extreme poverty, political policies, and even hygiene practices of the locals, can leave some travelers shocked, baffled or stunned. 

Do Some Homework

Travel isn't just about the sites, but the people, too. Aside from the usual guidebooks, government websites are good places to start researching a country's people or destination, and hundreds of foreign news sites can be found at online. Not surprisingly, personal blogs and vlogs from expats, can give you a really unique window into your chosen destination.

Respect Local Customs 

Study up on what's appropriate in terms of behavior and clothing. Visiting holy sites without wearing the proper attire and exhibiting appropriate behavior, can be extremely difficult. Knowledge of local customs will make you more at ease. It's also much less disruptive to the locals. 

Queue jumping is acceptable in some countries and unacceptable in others. A little research on your part, can go a long way in easing the frustrations of waiting in line.

Respect the environment around you, as more often than not, resources are scarce in developing countries, and may not be what you are expecting. Don't exhaust local supplies by overusing water or leaving excessive amounts of garbage in your wake. Locals will only be annoyed by what will be perceived as selfish behavior on your part.

Always bargain politely. Haggling over prices is seen as a fun type of "sport" in many foreign marketplaces and shops. It is even expected in others. Don't take your dickering too far though. In developing nations, a dollar or two will usually mean far more to the seller, than it ever will to you. 

Tipping can be expected in some places, while seen as an insult in other locales. Check beforehand to find out whether tipping is desired or expected. If tipping is required or encouraged, ask a guide for the typical amounts to give.

Watch Your Hand Gestures 

As insignificant as they may seem, one needs to use caution when gesturing with hands. When it comes to body language, err on the side of caution. Avoid gesturing with your hands and even pointing, if you're not sure what you are silently conveying. 

Represent 

Remember, you are representing the country that you are from. Don't spoil a place for other visitors and tourists from your home country, by exhibiting any ignorance of acceptable behavior when abroad.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Diplomatic Etiquette Faux Pas

Diplomacy is the art and practice of conducting negotiations between the differing representatives of international states. It is the conducting of international relations through the intercession of professional diplomats with regard to a full range of topical issues. Reflections upon the personal character of another country's President, Prime Minister or Royals, are not regarded as proper, according to official etiquette.

He Talked Too Much — Broke Diplomatic Etiquette

Washington, April 12.—The various interviews ascribed to Minister Loomis at San Juan have attracted much attention here and the minister probably will be invited to explain some of his utterances if he is not able to enter a broad denial of the accuracy of the interviews. Reflections upon the personal character of the president of Venezuela are not regarded as proper, according to official etiquette, and it is confidently hoped that the minister will be able to repudiate these. Otherwise it will be manifestly impossible for him to return to Venezuela, even in the event that the issues which led to his departure were satisfactorily composed. The prevalent idea is that no matter how these personal questions are settled, it will be a long time before a United States Minister resumes the post at Caracas. — Press Democrat, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Employee Reprimands

Point out the error or incorrect behavior. Then reaffirm them, by telling them they're okay in your book. It's just their actions that need to be modified.

When reprimanding, what you "do" is often not as important as what you "don't do." Since no one really enjoys a reprimand, it's easy for people to be put on the defensive when receiving criticism. I suggest remembering these "don'ts" when you must reprimand an individual. By not observing these points, you'll find that people become less concerned with listening to you and more concerned with fighting you off.

1. Don't attack someone personally. Never begin a reprimand with a statement such as, "Listen Fred, you idiot, ... " Address the problem at hand. Be specific about what it was that was incorrect. However, there is no need to insult a person just because you're upset.

2. Don't store up reprimands. By this I mean don't wait "for good time," to deliver one or more reprimands. The best time to give a reprimand is immediately after the incorrect behavior or action has occurred. If you wait a week or so to discuss the problem with the individual, and throw in some other problems you've observed over the past months, your impact on a person's behavior will not be very effective.

Accumulated griefs and problems will only make you feel bad. When you do finally "dump" on the person, there will be so much to digest, and the error so far removed from the actual event, you'll just end up blowing off a lot of steam which will have little or no impact on behavior.

3. Don't threaten people. Such threats will either immobilize them with fear or cause considerable resentment. Stick to the point. Point out the error or incorrect behavior. Then reaffirm them, by telling them they're okay in your book. It's just their actions that need to be modified.

4. Don't reprimand people in public. Public fireworks, such as chewing out an employee in front of a customer, is a technique only used by bullies. It's thoughtless, damaging and embarrassing for everyone around. Before you give a reprimand, think! If someone has done something wrong you must ask yourself, "Should he or she have known better?"

If the answer is "No," then the person is obviously still unfamiliar with his or her assigned responsibilities or tasks. In this case, do not reprimand. Never reprimand a beginner — be it an experienced hand, working in a new position, or your own child learning to tie shoelaces. It will only cause confusion and outright discouragement.

In this instance, your role is a manager is to help or redirect the person who is having a problem. However, if a person should have known better, then you must ask yourself, "Did they make the mistake deliberately? Or because they lacked confidence?" If the problem revolves around confidence, do not reprimand.

You need to determine the reason for the problem causing this lack of confidence. It could be that there is a new situation which is unsettling to an experienced worker. For example, perhaps a long-time sales clerk makes many errors on the new cash register. If so, the reason is probably a lack of confidence with the new buttons and new routine required when ringing up sales.

In such a situation, the managerial style required is "supportive." No one needs to reprimand this clerk. Rather, the clerk needs some training and some practice on the new register coupled with support from an understanding boss. Remember that you reprimand only deliberate, regressive performance or behavior. — Dr. Ken Blanchard in Inland Empire Magazine, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tudor Etiquette and Henry VII

Dining with Henry VIII ~ If you were wealthy, your cakes would be decorated with marzipan, and after dinner there would be nuts, thin and delicate wafers, and sweets made with aniseed and ginger to help digestion.

In the days of Henry VIII, the ways of society differed from our own more in observance than in spirit. Though the gay world danced and gambled very late, they rose very early. Their conversation was coarse and lacked reserve. The ladies cursed freely. Outward show and ceremony were considered of the utmost importance. Hats were worn by the men in church and at meals, and only removed in the presence of the King and Cardinal.

Kissing was far more prevalent as a mode of salutation. The Court society spent the greater part of their income on clothes. To those in the King's set, a thousand pounds was nothing out of the way to spend on a suit of clothes.

The predominant colours at Court were crimson and green; the Tudor colours were green and white. It was an age of magnificent plate, and the possession and display of masses of gold and silver plate was considered as a sign of power. Later on in Shakespeare's time, not only the Nobles, but also the better class citizens boasted collections of plate.

A quaint instance of the recognition of distinctions of rank is afforded by certain “Ordinances” that went forth as the “Bouche of Court.” Thus a Duke or Duchess was allowed in the morning one chet loaf, one manchet and a gallon of ale; in the afternoon one manchet and one gallon of ale; and for after supper one chet loaf, one manchet, one gallon of ale and a pitcher of wine, besides torches, etc.

A Countess, however, was allowed nothing at all after supper, and a gentleman usher had no allowance for morning or afternoon. These class distinctions must have weighed heavily upon humbler beings, such as Countesses; but perhaps they consumed more at table to make up for these after−meal deficiencies.

Table manners were a luxury as yet undreamed of. The use of the fork was a new fashion just being introduced from France and Spain. — Herbert Beerbohm Tree , 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia