Etiquette and Well-Bred Edwardians

Out of the 3 Crawley sisters of Downton Abbey, no other but Mary carried themselves with such confidence as she. The rare air of privilege and  feeling of entitlement, simply oozed effortlessly out of every fiber of her being.

A Well Bred Air

It is not merely the etiquette but the tone of good society which should be cultivated by those who are making their way in the world. Ill bred habits of speech, attitudes and tricks of expression will stamp a person, no matter how ceremoniously correct his or her entertainment, how excellent his wine or how irreproachable her costume. – Good Form, Riverside Enterprise, 1911

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Unwritten Social Etiquette

“And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have

melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.”

Unwritten Manners of the Sexes

While innumerable books of etiquette are being written, published and read by the thousands for whom they are intended, It is interesting to note the tacit observances of the unwritten laws of which one sees examples in every streetcar, restaurant or public building. There are hundreds of these unwritten laws, rarely spoken of, never formulated, and yet it is by the strict observance of these that a man is socially judged.

He may be of the kind who finds the study of the etiquette textbook inevitable, or he may be of the sort to whom such work is unknown, but if he be found wanting in any of the thousand and one little finenesses which mark the line between a gentleman and one who is not, the cachet of his class is stamped upon him.

One of these recognized conveniences is the treatment evoked by the streetcar. Should a man enter one of these vehicles and find it already occupied by a woman, the unwritten law demands that he shall seat himself as far from her as the length of the car will allow. It is even better should he decide to ride outside. For by removing himself to the greatest possible distance he is displaying his knowledge of a fine distinction of courtesy which those not of the elect might even decry.

The same distinction holds good in the treatment accorded a woman who may have to enter a restaurant alone. It is not thinkable that any man beholding a table unoccupied save by one or two women would venture to seat himself at it so long as there were other vacant tables near. He must force himself to occupy any seat rather than that one. But should he discover an empty table and a woman should be compelled to occupy it with him, beyond passing her the salt, he must not even appear to know that she exists.

Of this ilk is the blue-blooded restaurant eater. And there are services rendered. A woman may ask almost any service of a man - provided he be of the right degree of amiability - she may even talk with him for full fifteen minutes while he gives her directions presumably concerning her right course, the location and routes of streetcars, or the haunts of the express offices.

He may do all this and she may have been complaisance itself, receiving his words with "nods and becks and wreathed smiles," but if she sees him again later, she must not recognize his presence by so much as the fall of an eyelash. If she does she, too, is stamped. Such are the woman’s limitations.

And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.

And so it goes. Certain limitations for man, certain others for woman. But these unwritten laws must be recognized, else we are pariahs, for such is the law of the great, round world - at least of that portion of it in which we live and move - and being prone to conformity, we conform. _ San Francisco Call, 1907

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Menus in White House Book

Many of the menus, recipes, and health, household and beauty hints in the new book were in the original, published in 1887. The authors were White House steward Hugo Ziemann and Mrs. Fanny Gillette, a domestic science expert. On the etiquette question, they wrote: “Absolute suppression of emotion, whether of anger, laughter, mortification, or disappointment, is one of the most certain marks of good breeding.” On avoiding wrinkles: “The best advice is to go on a diet of milk, beer, and cake in order to grow fat and thus extend the skin to its full tightness.” Presumably, the same end could be accomplished if one received invitations to Martin Van Buren’s “small, beautifully appointed and snobbish dinners” prepared by the chef he’s brought from London.

Cook’s White House Tour and 

The White House Cookbook

NEW YORK (UPI) — Calvin Coolidge was so thrifty a president that he limited the quantity of ice water and the number of paper cups in which to serve it at official White House receptions. “Silent Cal” told an aide he took this step so guests would not stand around all evening drinking instead of going home. Coolidge was by no means the only penurious president, according to Janet Halliday Ervin’s “The White House Cockbook” (Follett). James K. Polk’s first lady, Sarah, served no refreshments at all at twice weekly White House receptions, but set a good table at home in Tennessee. A Christmas dinner menu for the Polk menage there consisted of oyster soup, celery, turkey, homemade wafers, ham, spiced round salsify (a root vegetable), caramel sweet potatoes, pickles, rice, cranberry sauce, blazing plum pudding, wine jelly, charlotte russe, grapefruit salad, fruit cake, nuts, raisins, wine and coffee. 

Old But Good

Many of the menus, recipes, and health, household and beauty hints in the new book were in the original, published in 1887. The authors were White House steward Hugo Ziemann and Mrs. Fanny Gillette, a domestic science expert. Some of the health and etiquette advice would give nightmares to modem physicians and psychiatrists. On the etiquette question, they wrote: “Absolute suppression of emotion, whether of anger, laughter, mortification, or disappointment, is one of the most certain marks of good breeding.” On avoiding wrinkles: “The best advice is to go on a diet of milk, beer, and cake in order to grow fat and thus extend the skin to its full tightness.” Presumably, the same end could be accomplished if one received invitations to Martin Van Buren’s “small, beautifully appointed and snobbish dinners” prepared by the chef he’s brought from London. Even this didn’t satisfy some guests. One winter, guests were said to have complained about the monotony of the menus and entertainment. 

Official entertaining reached what the author calls “a new high” during the Buchanan administration. It began with this menu at the inaugural ball: 400 gallons of oysters, 60 saddles of mutton, 4 saddles of venison, 125 beef tongues, 75 hames, 500 quarts each of chicken salad and jellies, 1,200 quarts of ice cream, a four-foot cake and $3,000 worth of wine. The Ulysses S. Grants also lived well. Among three menus included from Grant’s administration was one for a birthday dinner for the president. It began with clams, continued to crab soup, assorted appetizers, fish, beef filet, chicken, veal sweetbreads and squab, each with appropriate vegetables or fruit; several desserts, coffee and four different wines with the first four courses. The Grant family’s interest in food didn’t stop with their White House days. After the Russian Revolution, the president’s granddaughter and her husband, a former Russian count opened a restaurant in London.

Fit for a President, Chicken a la Russe, a favorite recipe of Princess Cantacuzene, granddaughter of President Grant, is not for weight watchers. “Take two to four spring chickens plucked and cleaned, cleaned. Rub them over with flour and salt and fill them with the following stuffing: 24 tea rusks, well crushed; 2 or 3 tablespoonfuls of butter, 1 or 2 egg yolks and 6 tablespoonfuls of parsley. All these ingredients well mixed together. Then roast the stuffed chickens in a half pound of butter. When ready, serve them with melted butter in which a good quantity of tea rusk crumbs have been mixed. This butter is poured over as a sauce. Serves six persons.” – By Jeanne Lesem, UPI Food Editor, 1964

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Who Are the Well-Bred?

On the left, the Countess Olenska in Edith Wharton’s, “The Age of Innocence,” was not considered well-bred. On the other hand, her cousin May Welland, was considered very well-bred. – Image source, Pinterest

Habits That Denote the Well–Bred

Forming the Right Sort of Habits: 

Montaigne said that “Habit is second nature” and the truth of it has never been questioned. It is largely by the habits we form as we go through life that we are judged by our fellow men. These denote among other things our standing in the world where courtesy and good manners prevail and by them we shall rise or fall in the estimation of those with whom we come in contact.

In an office, where one spends so great a part of his life, there are little acts daily performed that will prove at once one's good-breeding. The first of these is self- control; the habit of holding in check, without apparent effort, a flash of temper, an inclination to sulk over a possible slight, a desire to “get even” for some affront, or an impulse to weep or to “talk back” if one’s work is criticized. 

Poise, the ability to retain one’s mental equilibrium, and the power to meet emergencies as they arise without loss of dignity and without an over-exhibition of feeling are hallmarks of good-breeding. This is difficult sometimes for one who is naturally of a high-strung and independent disposition but it can be cultivated. — From “Office Etiquette for Business Women,” by Ida White Parker, 1924

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Neglect in Teaching Manners

Oh dear... playing with one’s food is not on the menu! —“In any case, they show the most profound indifference to the forms of good breeding as established by long custom And the most unmitigated contempt for their mother’s visitors.”

On Young People’s Manners... 

and Parental Neglect of the Gracious Art ot Good Breeding

In some homes the belief in the ability of youth to guide itself aright is carried to the extent of forbearing to teach the very rudiments of good manners. It is assumed that contact with their fellows and the self education resulting from social attrition will turn the young people out at length as finished ladies and gentlemen Meanwhile they are allowed to be as objectionable as it pleases them to be, and no one lifts hand or voice in warning, in correction, in teaching. The boys slouch into the room, their grubby hands in their pockets, their caps on their unkempt heads. Perhaps they whistle; perhaps they shout, two or three in chorus. They are not checked, not taught better manners, not interfered with in any way. The girls, maybe at the awkward age when it is difficult to make them well bred with the greatest pains one can take, come ramping in with their brothers, giving the impression of a babel of voices, a forest of heads, a maddening group of windmills, whereof the sails are arms. 

If of the more studious kind, they “flump” themselves down in an easy chair doubled up in a half hoop and bury themselves in a book laid on their crossed knees. They take no notice of their mother’s guests, not even to say the usual formula, “How do you do?” or to answer “Quite well, thank you.” If frivolous, they snicker and giggle and talk in whispers one to the other; if quarrelsome, shout and wrangle. In any case, they show the most profound indifference to the forms of good breeding as established by long custom And the most unmitigated contempt for their mother’s visitors. How should they not? From the earliest days when they came in to the “5 o’clock,” where they demanded all they saw, yelled for cake, interrupted the conversation, were soothed when they ought to have been snubbed and indulged when they ought to have been expelled—from that time to now they have been suffered to do as they like. They have been taught nothing better, poor things, and the mistakes they make are due to ignorance rather than to direct intention and to thoughtlessness rather than design. 

Cognate with these rude forms, this high treason against that thing we call manners, is a certain kind of impoliteness, of negligence to which the young are prone unless made to do better and taught the more gracious way. They do not acknowledge the kindnesses done them, as those who have been duly taught that gracious art of good breeding know they ought to do. Chary of letter writing, they accept tickets for a ball or a theater, with thanks galore doubtless in their hearts, but never a word on paper. They spend a charming time at a friend’s house, then let weeks elapse before writing their thanks and expressing their pleasure, after which they wonder at the coolness which springs up between them and their quondam hostess and think themselves hardly used, being very sure they have done no wrong. — San Jose Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Cocktails and Being Well Bred

The guests consumed a great deal more liquor than the hostess expected. After the last guest left, she found three cigarette holes in the carpeting and one bad burn the length of a cigar on the fireplace mantel. – On a side note, the gloved woman to the far right should not be gloved while drinking. That is simply “tacky.” – photo source Pinterest

Agony Aunt, Ann Landers, Gives Her Thoughts on Being “Well Bred” vs Being Polite

Dear Ann: I know your column does not deal with problems of etiquette, but this falls in the category of human relations. Please suggest what I should do. We gave a party last evening for fifty friends. It was a cocktail affair with an informal buffet. Everyone seemed to be having a fine time, although I must say they consumed a great deal more liquor than we expected. After the last guest left, I found three cigarette holes in the carpeting and one bad burn the length of a cigar on the fireplace mantel.  

Only one man could have burned the mantel and I know very well who he is. I have a hunch about the holes in the rug, too. Shall I phone these people and suggest they do something about “making, this right”? Bear in mind, our friends are all people of means who have had good upbringings. In fact, they are considered very well bred. –Upset Hostess

Ann’s Answer: Don’t call your friends and suggest that they pay for damages done during a party. This is just further proof that even the “well-bred” have a tendency to get crumby when they drink too much. When you invite guests to your home, you naturally assume they will not devalue the property. When “well-bred’’ people do damage, they offer to pay for it. Why don’t you review your guest list for next time. – Ann Landers, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners are Splendid Asset

Oh, some of these teens today! All dressed up and she waits until the photo is snapped to stick her tongue out? — “Great knowledge and splendid ability may be so camouflaged by a veneer of bad manners that they can never break through.”

Good Manners a Splendid Asset to Boy or Girl, Man or Woman, Young or Old

Good manners form an international language which every person in the world can understand. Good manners means best of whatever comes along—putting the best foot foremost. Good manners are closely allied with optimism, for whoever saw a persistent pessimist who didn’t forget his breeding? Of course, good manners and good breeding are not exactly synomymous, but they are nearly enough so to be accepted without entering into argument in the present instance. There is nothing in the world that makes so good an impression on others as an individual’s good manners. 

Every boy and girl, man and woman, should make a close study of manners and cultivate their courses of action until good manners become a regular and unbreakable habit. The parents should teach good manners to their children. The future life and the chances of business, social or professional success may hinge on the manners of any youth. And of the various kinds and classes of manners, the most Conspicuous and the most vital is table manners. Time was when a man might win and still eat with his knife. But that time is past. The “sword swallower” is just as far removed from modern life as is the ape-like of feeding with the fingers. But eating with the knife is only one of dozens of things uhich should not be done at the table. 

A notable table atrocity is tucking the napkin under the chin. Another is drinking from the saucer. These mistakes, of course, are so flagrant anyone should know not to make them, but even in this enlightened ag e there are many who do not possess this knowledge or who do not have sufficient personal pride to exercise it. The little refinements, like always keeping your knife and fork on your plate when not in use, keeping your teaspoon in the saucer beside the cup when not used for stirring and never drinking tea or coffee from the spoon—these things be carefully studied, memorized and carried out in everyday life. Also not opening the lips when one chews and never making noises with the mouth while eating. 

Parents should watch these things carefully in their children. The child who goes forth without a thorough knowledge of good manners and without a complete understanding of the value of good manners and the necessity for applying them is on the open road to failure. The impression that the youth—or the older person, for that matter, makes upon others is his or her greatest stock in trade. Great knowledge and splendid ability may be so camouflaged by a veneer of bad manners that they can never break through. Good manners give the same refinements to life that good clothes do to people, or artistic decorations do to rooms or buildings. There is this difference, however, that good manners cost nothing except the effort to acquire them and an occasional beneficial self-sacrifice in putting them into effect. — Evening Herald, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Etiquette of the Sexes

 When a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. Begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.

Social Etiquette:

The Differing Courtesies That Marked Good Breeding in Man and in Woman, from 1891

 "Are girls as well bred as boys?" Yes— and no! says Marion Harland in answering this question in The Weekly. Their training lies along different lines. One thing must always be considered —namely, that a woman's part is in many points of etiquette, passive. It is the man who takes the initiative, and who is made such a prominent figure that all eyes are drawn to him. Have you ever noticed it? Man proposes, woman accepts. Man stands, woman remains seated. Man lifts his hat, woman merely bows. Man acts as escort, woman as the escorted. So when a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. For this reason, begin as a boy to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of life.


I often wish there were any one point in which a woman could show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the management of his hat—raising it entirely from the head on meeting a woman, lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an acquaintance, or, when his man companion greets a friend, baring his head on meeting, parting from or kissing mother, sister or wife. These, with other points, such as rising when a woman enters the room and remaining standing until she is seated, giving her the precedence in passing in or out of a door and picking up the handkerchief or glove she lets fall—are sure indices of the gentleman, or by their absence, mark the boor.

But our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts of tactful courtesy which are her duty, as well as her brother's. Her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing toleration toward her elders, aud while she is not actually disrespectful, she still has the air of a very superior young being, holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the accident of years. Another of our girl's mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness and pertness are wit. There is no other error more common with girls from fifteen to eighteen, and they generally choose a boy as the butt of their sarcastic remarks—and, to their shame, be it said, they frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind. — From "The Weekly" as reported in the Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Rules of Conversation

 

What is now known as “phubbing” was addressed in 1899 —No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. 

Practical Etiquette and Conversation 

No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention. 

No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore. 

A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. 

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding. 

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many. 

In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?” 

The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.
In a tête-à-tête conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. 

One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan. 

One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him. 

Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says:

“The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.” In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.

There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice. 

If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him. 

One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others. —From Practical Etiquette, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Houseguest Etiquette

Before travel by plane, or even "visiting" over long telephone calls, being asked to "come for a visit" often meant a 2 or 3 month stay in someone's home. Good etiquette was a must for guests and hosts alike!

The Proper Way to Behave as Guest or Host

Many of us who pride ourselves on our good breeding are singularly blind as to what is due to friends who are visiting people unknown to us, or who are entertaining guests whom we have never met. Nor are we more assured as to some of the points of etiquette toward our own guests, and to our own hosts when we make an occasional flitting from home.

It is useless to decry etiquette by saying that the best manners in all cases are those which hurt no one. This is true as a general law, but there always are some points which leave no room for experiments as to what will hurt another, and which yet may be settled once for all by a few rules. If you have an acquaintance who is entertaining friends whom she wishes you to meet, it is your duty to call promptly, and if possible offer some hospitality to both guests and hosts. If the position is reversed, and your friend is visiting people unknown to you, never go to see your friend without leaving a card for the hostess.

If you give any entertainment for the friend, be very sure to invite her hosts also. It does not follow that your invitation will be accepted, but if it is, the hostess must be treated as the guest of honor and shown every deference. If, for instance, the entertainment is a luncheon for young ladies, she may be asked to take the seat at the end of the table opposite to your own. If the mutual friend is your guest you may be sure that, if she is a woman of good breeding, she in turn will accept no invitation which does not include you, although you may think best to decline it and insist upon not going alone. 

Nor will she receive visitors without asking you to join them in the parlor—should her friends be rude enough to have sent you no cards. Here, too, you may excuse yourself, and at most join them with such delay as to give them a short interview alone. These same rules should hold good for you when you are the guest. 

Before you go to make the visit, send word to your friends where and with whom you are to stay so that there may be no idea that you are in a boarding-house, and therefore mistress of your time and surroundings. This constant deference to your hostess should lead you to order all letters and packages to be addressed to her care. 

As to the disposal of your time when you are visiting, no etiquette requires you to accept all the plans of your hostess if you feel unable to do so; but care is needed to show that refusal means lack of strength, not lack of interest and inclination. With a little tact on both sides you will have many hours for your own.

Indeed, a skillful hostess will manage to secure you this privilege, and not make the mistake of working too hard to amuse you and so absorb every moment of your visit into her idea of what is pleasure for you. No greater compliment is possible than the quiet acceptance of your preference in the intimacy of family life. —Youth's Companion, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners of the Well Bred

 Too much care cannot be given in any family to the ethics of the dining-room. 

AT THE FESTAL BOARD

Table Manners are the Surest Test of Good

Breeding

Probably in no one way does a woman better indicate her early home life than through her table. Its service and belongings, the manners of her children, and her own demeanor show quickly if she be to the manner born. If, as it is said, it takes a hundred years to make a perfect lawn, it may also be asserted that several generations are required to produce a perfect mistress of a gentleman's board, whether she be presiding at the ordinary family meal or with guests assembled about her.

The ease that can come only from a lifetime familiarity with a well-appointed table and the adjustment of herself with her surroundings, which is a part of having known no other environment, is a charm that not all hostesses possess. Too much care cannot be given in any family to the ethics of the dining-room. At its best, the eating process has in it the elements of coarseness, and the most ‘delicate feasting’ partakes of the animal side of life. 

No matter how simple the routine household may be, nor how moderate the domestic purse, it is possible, if the mistress be so educated, to have at all times a well-served, well-mannered and well-ordered table. From such are graduated children who will suffer no mortifications in afterlife on the score of table etiquette, but who will be ready ‘to sup with Princes and eat in the palaces of Kings ‘ at any time.— From The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice from 1910

True courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth... ~ Gilded age table top silver and gilt fashions for the serving of eggs at breakfast, from 1910

The Morning “Chit-Chat”

When the question of a certain point of etiquette arose among a group of us the other night the lady who always knows somehow, spoke up: “This is the way it looks to me," she said, and we all listened, as we always do when this sweet oracle speaks. “This is the way it looks to me. I think you should go first because that's the common sense way, and a teacher I had once told me that if I were ever in doubt about any point of etiquette to think ‘which is the common sense’ way, and let that decide it. ‘For every point of etiquette,’ he said, ‘No matter how foolish it seems, is built originally on some good reason, and often you can find out the proper thing to do by looking for the reason.’”

Doesn't that appeal to you as a pretty good test to apply when you are in an etiquette quandary? It does to me. And here's another. When you are in doubt as to which of the two things is proper to do, do the kinder and it's 10 to 1 you will be doing the right one. I know a little country girl who, when she dined for the first time at a stylish city home, was very much puzzled as to whether she ought to say, "Thank you" when the maid bought the serving of soup around to her place.

She decided that it would seem countryfied to do so, and received her plate in silence. She says she will never forget the flush of shame that swept over her when the mistress of the home thanked the maid, as she received her plate. If the little girl had done the kinder thing, she would have done the right thing, and she says she will never again depart from that criterion.

Speaking of that incident reminds me, by the way, of a home at which I visit, where it is the invariable custom for the master of the house, no matter what guests are present to serve the mistress of the house first. In this way she sets the example when there's any doubtful point of table etiquette, so that all her guests need to do is watch her. Isn't that an exquisite bit of thoughtfulness? To me, it seems a custom that ought to be adopted everywhere.

That there can be no really good manners without the goodness of heart, and that true courtesy consists not in forms alone, but in forms made living by the spirit of goodwill, are facts that we have much lost sight of in our admiration of fashion and wealth, but they are sterling facts just the same.

Let me commend to the young person who wants to be well-bred. Lord Chesterfield's most excellent definition of good breeding: “Good breeding is a combination of much sense: some good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake of others, with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them.” —Ruth Cameron, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Good Breeding"

Retrieving one's handkerchief does not necessarily make one a "gentleman" and being "well-bred" doesn't automatically make one a truly polite young lady.

The Letter and Spirit of "Good Breeding"

An excellent old gentleman, once upon a time, discussed the virtues and faults of his son with the young woman who was to be his daughter-in-law. "Dan's mother died when he was a baby," he said; "he has no near female relatives, he has spent nearly all his life in school and at college, so that he has never had that training which comes from association with well bred women. He is a good boy—as good as gold. There is nothing that he would not do for you. He will give you all that he has, he will be as true as steel, he will honor you and love you with all his heart, although he may forget to tell you so. He would die for you, but he will probably not pick up your pocket handkerchief for you." The young woman listened respectfully to a father's pardonable praise of his son, then she said, "But I do not want him to die for me, and I shall want him to pick up my pocket handkerchief." 

She preferred, says a correspondent of The InterOcean, who relates this little incident, the letter to the spirit. There are among many superficially polite people tremendous respect for certain requirements which they believe are an index to social position and indication of honorable origin, says the same writer. They would consider themselves hopelessly disgraced were they to put the knife to an improper use; to confuse the various spoons, forks and glasses about their plate at dinner, but other matters which affect their relations with their fellow being are passed over as of no consequence. 

One of the most common offenses among the superficially well bred is the slight and discourtesy which they show to dependents, or those whom they consider their social inferiors. The poor relation in his shabby coat and patched boots receives scant courtesy. The faithful dressmaker, met by chance in a public assemblage, is confronted with a stony stare, or is passed by and not seen at all. This is always the ill breeding of the snob, of the newly rich who, not feeling sure of themselves, knowing well what they are and whence they came, believe that their hardly earned place can be retained only by this stern discrimination. They believe that, like liberty, eternal vigilance is the price of "position."
–Los Angeles Herald, 1891

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19th C. Gent's Etiquette

On Good Breeding

Men's Fashions 1837

The formalities of refined society were at first established for the purpose of facilitating the intercourse of persons of the same standing, and increasing the happiness of all to whom they apply. They are now kept up, both to assist the convenience of intercourse and to prevent too great familiarity. If they are carried too far, and escape from the control of good sense, they become impediments to enjoyment. Among the Chinese they serve only the purpose of annoying to an incalculable degree. "The government," says De Marcy, in writing of China, "constantly applies itself to preserve, not only in the court and among the great, but among the people themselves, a constant habit of civility and courtesy.

French Essayist and Moralist, La Bruyre

The Chinese have an infinity of books upon such subjects; one of these treatises contains more than three thousand articles.-- Everything is pointed out with the most minute detail; the manner of saluting, of visiting, of making presents, of writing letters, of eating, etc.: and these customs have the force of laws--no one can dispense with them. There is a special tribunal at Peking, of which it is one of the chief duties, to ensure the observance of these civil ordinances?" One would think that one was here reading an account of the capital of France. It depends, then, upon the spirit in which these forms are observed, whether their result shall be beneficial or not. 

The French and the Chinese are the most formal of all the nations. Yet the one is the stiffest and most distant; the other, the easiest and most social. "We may define politeness," says La Bruyére, "though we cannot tell where to fix it in practice. It observes received usages and customs, is bound to times and places, and is not the same thing in the two sexes or in different conditions. Wit alone cannot obtain it: it is acquired and brought to perfection by emulation. Some dispositions alone are susceptible of politeness, as others are only capable of great talents or solid virtues. It is true politeness puts merit forward, and renders it agreeable, and a man must have eminent qualifications to support himself without it."

Perhaps even the greatest merit cannot successfully straggle against unfortunate and disagreeable manners. Lord Chesterfield says that the Duke of Marlborough owed his first promotions to the suavity of his manners, and that without it he could not have risen.  La Bruyére has elsewhere given this happy definition of politeness, the other passage being rather a description of it. "Politeness seems to be a certain care, by the manner of our words and actions, to make others pleased with us and themselves." We must here stop to point out an error which is often committed both in practice and opinion, and which consists in confounding together the gentleman and the man of fashion. No two characters can be more distinct than these. 

Lord Chesterfield

Good sense and self-respect are the foundations of the one--notoriety and influence the objects of the other. Men of fashion are to be seen everywhere: a pure and mere gentleman is the rarest thing alive. Brummel was a man of fashion; but it would be a perversion of terms to apply to him "a very expressive word in our language,--a word, denoting an assemblage of many real virtues and of many qualities approaching to virtues, and an union of manners at once pleasing and commanding respect,-- the word gentleman."* The requisites to compose this last character are natural ease of manner, and an acquaintance with the "outward habit of encounter"--dignity and self-possession--a respect for all the decencies of life, and perfect freedom from all affectation. Dr. Johnson's bearing during his interview with the king showed him to be a thorough gentleman, and demonstrates how rare and elevated that character is. When his majesty expressed in the language of compliment his high opinion of Johnson's merits, the latter bowed in silence. 

If Chesterfield could have retained sufficient presence of mind to have done the same on such an occasion, he would have applauded himself to the end of his days. So delicate is the nature of those qualities that constitute a gentleman, that there is but one exhibition of this description of persons in all the literary and dramatic fictions from Shakespeare downward. Scott has not attempted it. Bulwer, in "Pelham," has shot wide of the mark. It was reserved for the author of two very singular productions, "Sydenham" and its continuation "Alice Paulet"--works of extraordinary merits and extraordinary faults--to portray this character completely, in the person of Mr. Paulet.*  

Charles Butler's Reminiscences                   

Charles Butler, Esq.

Lord Chesterfield on Manners and Deportment

Lord Chesterfield (1694–1773) wrote Principles of Politeness, and of Knowing the World (Boston, 1794), was an adaptation of letters written to instruct his son in the ways of the world. 

"Next to good-breeding," said Chesterfield, "is genteel manners and carriage," and the best method to acquire these is through a knowledge of dance. "Now to acquire a graceful air, you must attend to your dancing; no one can either sit, stand or walk well, unless he dances well. And in learning to dance, be particularly attentive to the motion of your arms for a stiffness in the wrist will make any man look awkward. If a man walks well, presents himself well in company, wears his hat well, moves his head properly, and his arms gracefully, it is almost all that is necessary."