Etiquette and Bridesmaids’ Dresses

It has always been the obligation of bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, so there is no need for pussy-footing.

WEDDING OUTFITS

Dear Mrs. Post: I am planning a Florida wedding but I live in New York. The bridesmaids’ dresses will be selected here and mailed to each girl in Florida. How should I inform them of the cost in a tactful manner? — Miss F. Lawrence

Dear Miss Lawrence: It has always been the obligation of bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, so there is no need for pussy-footing. Enclose a note with each dress saying you have paid the store and the cost was so much, or ask the store to send bills directly to the girls. — Elizabeth Post, 1967 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The 1980’s Etiquette Elegance Revival

Elegance in entertaining returned to the White House in the 1980’s - State dinners had become so large by Ronald Reagan's presidency that none of the china  sets could accommodate the number of guests. First Lady Nancy Reagan ordered 4,370 pieces of Lenox china, enough place settings of 19 pieces each, for 220 people. This was nearly twice as many placesettings as other recent services. The Reagans wanted a design that would display a strong presence for the subtly colored State Dining Room, now painted white. Nancy Reagan worked closely with Lenox designers to create a pattern with bands in a striking scarlet red, which was her favorite color. The pattern was bordered on each side with etched gold, which created a sparkling contrast with the soft ivory china. The presidential seal was in raised gold in the center, partially overlaying the red border. On pieces such as the service and dessert plates, fine gold crosshatching overlays the red. The Reagans were often criticized for the $209,508 cost, but the china was not funded by taxpayers. It was paid for by the J.P. Knapp Foundation.

Fashions In Etiquette Swing Back To Elegance

A whole new generation harkens to the age-old admonition. “Mind your manners.”

“Certainly there has been a big upswing of interest in manners. courtesy, etiquette, call it what you will, these last few years,” said Elizabeth Post, social arbiter. “Just as in fashion apparel, the pendulum swings. Now the direction in manners is back to elegance.”

Mrs. Post is the granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, whose name was synonymous with proper behavior and the rules of etiquette.

“Oh, I don't mean we will go back to the Victorian era,” said Elizabeth Post, who became an authority on decorum in her own right. “Many of the old rules are impractical now. We seem to be seeking a happy medium.”

Young parents, who saw or perhaps were part of the rebellion against everything traditional in the 1960s, want to teach their children about manners almost forgotten during that period, and after.

“I see the swing in many ways,” Mrs. Post said. “Schools again hold proms. Twenty years ago, the prom was a no-no. I see it in my mail. my telephone calls, articles in magazines, just in the general interest.”

Mrs. Post could have added that she saw the change, too, in the proliferation of etiquette advisers catering to the young. Several now conduct workshops for young people, to teach manners of dress, meeting people. manners at the table, on the telephone, on the dance floor.

She is among those in the act, holding “summer camps” during August at The Breakers, a luxury hotel in Palm Beach, Fla. There are two age groups - 8 to 10, and 11 to 14.

“The Breakers approached me about the workshops,” she said. The hotel, built by Henry Flagler during his heyday as a Florida real estate developer, dreamed up a vacation package that included parents and children.

The manners sessions are an hour each day and embrace personal appearance, the art of conversation, mealtime manners, behavior in public (theater, travel, sports), dress, telephone manners and such details as writing thank-you notes.

The swing back to being proper, but not prissy, is caused by many factors, Mrs. Post said. There is just the natural move away from the extremes of the 1960s, the gradual uplifting of the economy, and specifically the example set by the current White House occupants.

“The president and his family set a standard,” said Mrs. Post. “There is more entertaining at the White House, more formal occasions.”

One reason for workshops is the fact that parents want their children to know the rules of the road, as it were, but don't have the time to drill them constantly. “Working mothers simply can't be there all the time.” she said. “And children take instruction better from someone other than parents anyway. I would hope that parents teach the basics of ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ but by the age of 8, most children are ready for manners in public.”

Elizabeth Post and her husband, William, are directors of the Emily Post Institute, an umbrella title for all the projects in which they are active.

Periodically, they revise the various etiquette books. She also is a contributing editor for Good Housekeeping magazine, is busy on the lecture circuit, does promotion, and also serves as an etiquette consultant.

The Posts live on an old farm at Waterbury Center, Vt. They have four children. all married, and eight grandchildren. She's an avid golfer and both are expert scuba divers. They planned to get in some diving while in Florida for opening of The Breakers' workshops.

Mrs. Post said etiquette really doesn’t change; it's a basic code of behavior. Manners, as the means of etiquette, do change. They are “a practical or attractive way of doing something.” she said, in a telephone interview. “They smooth the path among people. They make you more attractive to others.” - By Gay Pauley, UPI Senior Editor, 1983

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners Not Just for Wealthy

Elizabeth Post was the granddaughter in-law of etiquette author, Emily Post and Emily’s first family successor.

My column this week is Inspired by the following letter. Mrs. Gold of Pittsburgh, Pa. has been awarded a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette for her prize-winning letter of the week.

Dear Mrs. Post: I have learned so many things from your column. But sometimes I wish there were answers that would not make the poor or low middle-class people feel left out. Many people in my class would like to do the appropriate thing also. We just don't have china, silver, linens and crystal to entertain our guests with.

I have three daughters and want them to be gracious hostesses as they grow. Why don't schools teach more about etiquette? Many students know very little about how to set a table, fold their napkin on their lap, eat at a restaurant, etc… These are all so important to know in order to feel at ease as a hostess, or in a public eating place. I hope that by the time our daughters are in school more etiquette will be taught. -Catherine Gold

Dear Mrs. Gold: If I have given the impression that etiquette is only for the rich, I have failed in putting across my most important message, that good manners, not etiquette, are not a matter of having but a matter of doing and being.

If I talk about china and crystal, it is generally because someone has asked specifically about those things. The person who can live graciously with few material luxuries, who can make a charming home or entertain pleasantly without spending beyond his means deserves far more credit than the one who can afford to pay for all the help, the expensive foods, and the elaborate decorations he wants. No Sterling?

When I discuss elaborate parties or situations I hope that readers will recognize and adapt those elements which are not out of their reach to their own situation. You need not have sterling silver and fine crystal to set a lovely table, but by knowing the correct placement of those things, your own table, set with plastic or crockery, can be as lovely, as imaginative, and in as perfect taste as that of Mrs. Gotrocks.

I know many wealthy men who are not gentlemen, and I know many women with barely a cent to their names who are ladies. In both cases it is their manner and their attitude toward others and themselves which makes them what they are. Etiquette is not a matter of material things; it is a matter of what you have made of yourself, with the help of, or in spite of, your environment.

Are Manners Out of Style?

This answers the question I am asked so often - “is etiquette still important is it relevant in our world today?” Of course it is. Manners, which are outward sign of a person who has self- respect and is considerate of others, must change to keep up with the times, and those which are discarded must be replaced by newer, more appropriate ones. But the need is still there. Manners are still the guideposts to gracious living, and a knowledge of how to behave still gives one self-confidence, security, and self-respect.

I, too, wish that etiquette were taught in the schools. Many parents have abdicated their responsibility in teaching their children basic good manners, and if they are not taught at home, where will they receive such instruction? The number of letters I receive from teenagers is evidence of the lack of instruction they get at home. If their parents had taught them the most rudimentary principles of etiquette, they would surely not go to the trouble of writing to a columnist for information on their social problems.

Unfortunately, schools are invariably so pressed for money and teachers that they are loathe to start any courses they do not consider essential. And I have yet to find a principal who considered the subject more than a desirable adjunct to other teaching, but far from essential. Possibly if this attitude were different they would be paid off by less vandalism, better teacher- pupil relationships, and more cooperation and obedience to rules.

Manners in School

As parents, there is only one thing we can do, and that is to talk to teachers and to principals in our children's schools. If it is not possible to have a separate class in etiquette, it is not impossible that teachers in the younger grades could incorporate “manners” into many of the other subjects they teach. Some do, to be sure, but they are few and far between.

I would also like to see educational films on manners shown, and this, too, has been discussed a great deal. Television has finally incorporated some of this into the delightful and educational show, “Sesame Street.” Again, it is lack of funds which has prevented these films from being made and shown.

So, mothers, let us unite. If enough of you would like to see more etiquette taught in schools and through TV, write to me and tell me your ideas about it. If you provide me with enough ammunition, enough proof of the need, we might conceivably bring an influence to bear on those who could promote a “good manners” revolution. – By Elizabeth Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1970

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Exchanging Pleasantries

“… most people, are basically shy and need a crutch to help them over their reluctance to tall…” – Elizabeth Post (above) was asked about exchanging common pleasantries.

From, “Ask Them Yourself”

A Question for Elizabeth L. Post, author of “The New Emily Posts Etiquette” – Isn't it time we stopped saying, “How do you do?” When we are introduced? It means nothing ; no reply is expected. What would be a good substitute? – Mrs. Alfred C. Herz, New London, N.H.

Answer – Not all, but most people, are basically shy and need a crutch to help them over their reluctance to talk to strangers. We use many phrases as crutches; “How are you?” “Glad to meet you,” etc... “How do you do?” really means, “How are you doing?” You're right. No answer is required. But these automatic responses make it easier to break the ice than thinking up apt remarks for each new situation. Without, “How do you do?” many conversations would never get off the ground at all. – Hanford Sentinel, 1976

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

BBQ Etiquette for 1968

According to Elizabeth Post in 1968, fine “meals carefully planned, well-prepared, and attractively served are an essential element of etiquette.”

Barbecuing Out of Doors 

Fine meals carefully planned, well-prepared, and attractively served are an essential element of etiquette. Those of you who plan to give outdoor parties, barbecues or picnics this summer would do well to chock your knowledge in the following quiz, and to get some suggestions to make your menus better.

1. The best choice of meat for a barbecue is a big thick steak. True or False?

2. Only dishes that can be prepared on the grill are correct for a barbecue. True or False?

3. Lamb or beef “kabobs” should be prepared in advance. True or False?

4. Corn on the cob may be cooked on the grill as well as boiled. True or False?

5. Hamburgers and hot dogs are not considered “fancy” enough for adult picnics. True or False?

6. Anyone can easily prepare a clambake. True or False? 

7. A keg of beer is a good way of serving a beverage at a cook-out. True or False?

8. Potatoes must be cooked in the kitchen and brought out when the barbecue is ready. True or False?

The correct answers contain some hints for you:

1. False. Steak is the most "common” choice, but there are many equally good or better. Try kabobs, spareribs swordfish, lamb steak, or whole stuffed bass or bluefish for variety. 

2. False. Vegetable or potato casseroles may be cooked in the kitchen and taken out when the meat is ready —or kept warm near the edge of the grill. 

3. True. The actual cooking is quick and easy but the preparation of the ingredients takes some time. Some hostesses put the various items out in bowls and let the guests olad their own skewers. Messy, but fun for an informal group. 

4. True. But it must be well wrapped in foil or it will char. Some people leave the husks on instead, but I find this risky. 

5. False. “Doctored up” with cheese, herbs and seasoning, they can be real gourmet fare. 

6. False. Except for the variety prepared in a huge pot, a clambake is an all-day affair for the bakemaster. The pit must be dug and lined with rocks and the fire kept going in it for at least four hours. 

7. True. But always have soft drinks available, too. Coffee, cither iced or hot, is almost a “must.” 

8. False. Potatoes, like com on the cob, may be wrapped in foil and cooked in the coals or one the grill. – By Elizabeth Post in the Herald, 1968

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Words

 "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years. – Image from the 1970 book, “Did I Do That?” By Dorothy Laux 

Watch Your Language – 

Keep it Up-to-Date

There are many words whose meanings are frequently misinterpreted, and some are words which are often associated with etiquette. I have selected a few that often appear misused in letters from my readers. My definitions are not necessarily those found in the dictionary, but they describe the connotation of the word from the point of view of good usage and good taste. 

Look at each word and then read my definition to see whether you have been using it in the best way, according to etiquette.

1. Formal. Formal should not be used as a noun meaning either an evening gown or an elaborate dance. It is a synonym for ceremonial, and an adjective meaning an extreme degree of correct- ness.

2. Party. Party should not be used to refer to one person, except in legal usage. It is not correct, for example, to say "Who was the party with you the other night?" A party is a social gathering, or a group of associated people, such as a political party.

3. Lady. All women are not ladies. The definition does not depend on the wealth or the social background of the woman, but to distinguish: "A lady is a woman with a good memory, always remembers others and never forgets herself."

4. Gentleman. Again, all men are not gentlemen. Το deserve the latter definition a man "may be in shirtsleeves actually, but he never gets into shirtsleeves mentally."

5. Etiquette. "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness.

6. Manners. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years.

7. Junior. Every boy who is named after an older relative is not necessarily a Junior. Only a boy whose name is identical to his father's is entitled to be Junior. Boys named after uncles or grandfather, are second, third, etc…

8. Home. Not to be confused with house, which is a solid, physical structure. Home conveys the spirit and the personality of the house. It is literally "where the heart is." – By Elizabeth Post in the Highland Park News-Herald & Journal, 1970

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette: Solver of Sticky Social Dilemmas

Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest, Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. – From “Emily Post On Etiquette” 

Image from the Etiquipedia© personal library

Etiquette was invented to solve those sticky social dilemmas… 

Life is full of sticky social situations but there's no need to become unglued, because etiquette was invented to solve these problems. The traditional way to solve social dilemmas has been to ask Emily Post, who first published her book “Etiquette” in 1922. In the current issue of Redbook, Elizabeth Post, a granddaughter of the original Emily, answers some of today’s etiquette quandaries in an excerpt from her book, “Emily Post On Etiquette.” 

• Proper party manners often pose problems. What happens, for instance, if you are invited to a cocktail party the same weekend a cousin is visiting. Can you ask your hostess if your cousin may attend? “No. Decline the invitation and explain your reason to the hostess,” Post advised. “She then has the option to say, ‘I'm sorry you can’t come, we’ll miss you,’ or, if she feels your cousin’s presence won’t make a difference in her planning, she may say, ‘Do bring him. I’d love to meet your cousin.”’

• Hostesses may have a problem dealing with the guest whose babysitter has defected and asks to bring her baby to an adults-only cocktail party. “An adults-only party is just that, and you need not feel you are being rude by telling your guest you would love for her to come, but the party is for adults and you do not have accommodations for an infant,” Post wrote. 

• Then there’s the dinner at which you are offered a dish you don’t like. Among friends. Post said, you can just say, “No, thank you.” Otherwise it is good manners to take and eat at least a little of every dish offered, except in cases of allergy or special diet. 

• Smokers sometimes are uncertain about when and where they can light up. “If a smoker is visiting a house for the first time, or is with people he or she doesn’t know well, or is in close quarters with friends, the smoker should always ask, ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ If someone does mind, don’t smoke,” Post said. 

• Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest. Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. 

• If you are the one who drinks too much at a party and are insulting, rude or disruptive, you must call and apologize. If you simply left the party early, without embarrassing yourself or anyone else, you need apologize only for early departure. 

• It’s a wise guest who knows when to call it a night “Try to be sensitive to, and aware of, the people around you,” Post wrote “Most hostesses are reluctant to speed the departure of guests, even when they are ready to end a party.” Look for signs of tiredness, then make your move to break up the party. But remember, etiquette dictates you not eat and run. You should remain at least one hour after dinner. 

• For the hostess who wants to let the guests know it’s time to go home, Post advises closing the bar, offering a last nightcap and making a show of putting the liquor away. A hostess may also yawn and look at her watch. – AP Features, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Elizabeth Post Dining Etiquette Quiz

“Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner!” –
At Etiquipedia, we’re guessing a ‘dairy bar’ was a regional term for an old-fashioned ‘malt shop.’

Nervous about dinner date? 

Take this dining etiquette quiz by Elizabeth Post!

Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner! Are you nervous, or do you know your restaurant manners so well that you will be relaxed and self-assured? Answer the questions below.

If you get more than eight right, your evening will be fun because you’ll be confident that you are “doing the right thing.” Six to eight means you may have a bad moment or two, and a score of below six indicates that you had better bone up.

Questions

1. When you are served soup in a cup with two handles, do you 

(a) eat the soup with a spoon? 

(b) pick up the cup? 

2. When game hen, asparagus or a creamed dish is served on toast, do you 

(a) take the entire serving, toast and all? 

(b) leave the toast, taking only the food on top of it? 

3. If a waiter brings a finger bowl, do you 

(a) dip your finger tips in and dab your lips? 

(b) dip the corner of your napkin in to clean your mouth? 

4. When you need to push food onto your fork, do you 

(a) use your thumb? 

(b) Use a dry piece of bread? 

5. If there is no saucer for your iced tea glass, do you 

(a) leave the spoon in the glass? 

(b) lay the spoon down on the table? 

6. At the end of the meal do you 

(a) fold your napkin back as it was? 

(b) lay your napkin in loose folds on the table?

 7. If you happen to drop your fork on the floor, do you 

(a) ask the waiter for a clean one? 

(b) pick it up, wipe it off, and use it? 

8. If there is no ash tray on the table, do you 

(a) ask for one? 

(b) use the edge of your dinner plate? 

9. When you are served a pot pie in an individual casserole do you 

(a) eat from the dish it is served in? 

(b) serve some onto your dinner plate? 

10. If your choice of entrée includes a delicious gravy, do you 

(a) use a spoon to get up the last drop? 

(b) break small pieces of bread into the gravy and eat it with your fork? 

Answers

1.   (b) As soon as the soup is cool enough, pick the cup up by both handles. 

2.   (a) 

3.   (a) 

4.   (b) If you have no bread, use your knife. 

5.   (a) Or you might remove it and rest the bowl of the spoon on your butter plate. 

6.   (b) 

7.   (a) 

8.   (a) 

9.   (b) If a serving spoon is not provided, ask for one. 

10. (b) 

             

                   —By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Evolving Etiquette and the Posts

In 1969, publishers Funk and Wagnalls came out with a replica edition of Emily Post’s 1922 book, “Etiquette” for $10.00– for $6.95, they also came out with Elizabeth Post’s revised 12th edition of the same book. A writer compared the two books. – Photo above, Elizabeth Post, circa 1969

Emily Post’s first edition of “Etiquette” vs Elizabeth Post’s updated, twelfth edition of the same book. What has changed since 1922?

Nearly fifty years have passed since Emily Post's first published guide to good manners, but her basic world of etiquette and the underlying reasons for it, live on. It's not the same etiquette to be sure the bewildering world of valets, footmen, chaperones, finger bowls and P.P.C. cards and the rules associated with them, have disappeared as times have changed. What has remained is the idea that etiquette is good manners, “a goal that can be achieved only by making consideration and unselfishness an integral part of your behavior.” 

Comparing the index of Emily Post's first edition which appeared in 1922 with the 12th revised edition, updated in 1969 by Elizabeth Post (the wife of Emily's grandson) shows how informal American living has become. In the original, the topic “Informal Entertaining” is not even included in the index: the only mention along this line is to a “House Party in Camp.” In contrast, seventy-nine pages of the current edition are devoted to “Informal Entertainment,” including cocktail parties, picnics, showers, buffets, etc. No longer are we concerned with the rules for bowing; the sole reference to bowing deals with “bowing to the President of the United States.” Today two pages are devoted to butlers; the 1922 edition contained twelve pages on butlers and three on footmen. It's particularly amusing to compare the Post's pronouncements on the correct way to treat social situations of the day: 

MONEY MATTERS “Everyone has at some time been subjected to the awkward moment when the waiter presents the check to the host ... to avoid this transaction people who have no charge accounts should order the meal ahead, and at the same time pay for it in advance, including the waiter's tip.” 1st edition – “When everyone has finished his meal, the host catches the eyes of the waiter or headwaiter and says, ‘The check please’ He looks at it, checks it quickly for mistakes and returns it to the plate with the necessary money . . .” 12th edition.

LADIES TRAVELING “On a railroad train, if a stranger happens to offer to open a window for her, it does not give him the right to more than a civil ‘thank you.’ If, in spite of etiquette she should on a long journey drift into conversation with an obviously well-behaved youth, she should remember that talking with him at all is contrary to the proprieties.” 1st edition – “On a long journey if you happen to sit next to or near the same person on the dining car for a number of meals, it is extremely unfriendly to sit in wooden silence.” 12th edition.

CHAPERONS “The conventions of propriety demand that every young woman must be protected by a chaperon, because otherwise she will be misjudged. A young girl never goes even to an unmarried doctor's or a clergyman's (unless the latter is very elderly) without a chaperon who in this instance may be a semi elderly maid.” 1st edition – “From an ethical standpoint the only chaperon worth having in the present day is a young girl's own efficiency in chaperoning herself. The girl who has been taught to appraise every person and situation she meets needs no one to sit beside her and tell her what to do.” 12th edition.

To many people, particularly to the younger generation, even the 12th edition may seem a bit stilted and formal. Because of Elizabeth Post's reluctance to leave anything out, the modern edition, too, becomes amusing. For instance under the heading “Smoking in Public” we are told that it is taboo to smoke on the dance floor. “Not only does it look unattractive but there is a very real danger of burning your partner or his or her clothes.” Really, isn't this just common sense? That's what etiquette is all about. – Arleen Abrahams for the Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1969

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Elizabeth Post on Strained Relations

Even Elizabeth Post wasn’t this neurotic over how a table should be set!

Doing the Right Thing: What to say when everything goes wrong

Dear Mrs. Post: How do you word a thank-you note for a visit, when you know you were not welcome? We visited my husband’s brother for the first time. We stayed three days. The two brothers are very close and we have always enjoyed their visits. Our sister-in-law was always prompt in writing us a warm thank-you note. I liked her and thought she liked me. Their home was considerably more impressive than ours, the poor girl was a nervous wreck having us there. Things were quite pleasant, though strained. Our last evening there, I was setting the dinner table I put the forks on the paper napkins, as there was a slight breeze, I didn’t have all of the napkins folded towards the plate. I noticed a frown and asked if I was all wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! 

She got out her book of Etiquette and read to me. She informed me she wanted her table set properly, and she also wanted her guests to use proper table manners. After a few more words about the neighborhood they live in and the people they are accustomed to associating with, she left the room crying. After a few minutes she came back and everything was fine. When we left the next morning, we sent a plant to their home with a thank-you note. Upon our arrival home we found a thank-you card from her for the plant. An added note said, “we wish we could have made you people more comfortable.” How do I answer this in order to smooth things for the two brothers? Shall I write and rave about her lovely home and exclusive neighborhood (as I know she wants me to)? I know I cannot write a warm, sincere letter. Yet, I am the one that upset her. How do I go about making amends? —Gladys

Dear Gladys: Although you thought that things were “pleasant, though strained.” apparently your sister-in-law didn't. There must have been something more to upset her then Just the way you placed the napkins. If you truly don’t know what it could be, I would write quite frankly and ask her. Do tell her how much you enjoyed her lovely home and hospitality. If the trouble was really caused by your table setting, I feel she is at fault. No unimportant detail is worth such an outburst. Whether one is a pleasant, helpful guest, as you apparently were, is far more important than what fork you need or how you placed the napkin! – By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette – Elizabeth Post

                               

Etiquette writer and authority, Elizabeth L. (Libby) Post, was the wife of Emily Post’s only grandson, (Bill) Post. It was Elizabeth who took over as the spokesperson and author for The Emily Post Institute in 1965, five years after Emily Post’s death in 1960. 

Born in Englewood, New Jersey, and educated at the Dobbs Ferry Master’s School, She was the first successor to Emily Post’s family business, working for more than 30 years on behalf of The Emily Post Institute. During her tenure as author and spokesperson, Mrs. Post revised and updated Emily Post’s book “Etiquette” five times from 1965 to 1992.

Along with helming the company throughout the sweeping social changes of the 1960’s and 1970’s, Post authored many other books, all under the “Emily Post” name. The books were frequently revised, and included “Emily Post’s Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette,” “Emily Post’s Wedding Planner,” “Emily Post’s Table Manners for Today,” “Emily Post on Business Etiquette,” “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” “Please, Say Please,” “The Complete Book of Entertaining” with co-author Anthony Staffieri, and “Emily Post’s Teen Etiquette” with co-author Joan M. Coles.                 

Along with her books, she wrote a monthly column for Good Housekeeping magazine entitled “Etiquette for Everyday” and even created and marketed a line of “Correct Cosmetics” sold in small department stores nationwide, which included face powder, lipsticks, scents and more. She gave hundreds of media interviews annually and frequently appeared as a guest speaker across the country. She enjoyed an active outdoor lifestyle and traveling with her husband, and divided her time between their homes in Florida and Vermont. Post retired in 1995 and passed away 15 years later, in April of 2010.

Doing the Right Thing 

By Elizabeth L. Post, 1968

Expressions of Sympathy

Dear Mrs. Post: I often encounter a situation which I find very awkward. What does one say to a girl or boy whose brother is leaving for Vietnam? What does one do if the boy or girl begins to show signs of crying? M.H.

Dear M.H.: This is a situation we are all facing more and more. The best answer is to say little, especially if the other person is very emotional. A word or two, such as "Wish him good-luck for me," or "Tell him we'll be thinking of him,” or possibly "I hope the year will pass quickly for you. I will remember him in my prayers,’’ is enough to indicate your sympathy.

Corsage for Godmother

Dear Mrs. Post: I will be married soon and I would like to get a corsage for my godmother. When I was baptized my godparents weren’t married, now they are, but not to each other. Do I have to get a corsage for my godfather’s wife, too, or just for my godmother? Ellen

Dear Ellen: You need not give your godfather's wife a corsage, but since you are giving your godmother one, I would suggest that you give your godfather a boutonniere.

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia