Wedding Correspondence Etiquette

If the wedding is to be so small that no engraved invitations are used, the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride.

Question: When may a written note be used as an invitation to a wedding?

Answer: If the wedding is to be so small that no engraved invitations are used, the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride.

Question: When are wedding announcements sent?

Answer: If no general invitations were sent to the church, the announcement of the marriage is sent to the entire visiting list of both the bride's and the groom's family. – Imperial Valley Press, March, 1931

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10 Etiquette Tips of 1940

To help children acquire poise and ease of manner at the table, they should be given a reasonable amount of attention. They should be encouraged to join in the general conversation and not rudely interrupted, or how can they learn to listen attentively and politely to others? 

 Hints on Etiquette from 1940

1. Ice cream served à la mode (on pie) is eaten with a fork. 
2. The bride rides to church in the car with her father, not with the bridesmaid or with her husband-to-be. 
3. To help children acquire poise and ease of manner at the table, they should be given a reasonable amount of attention. They should be encouraged to join in the general conversation and not rudely interrupted, or how can they learn to listen attentively and politely to others? 
4. It is the woman's place to proffer her hand to a man if she wishes to shake hands with him. However, if the man is used to shaking hands at meeting, and holds out his hand, she should shake hands with him even if she didn't intend to. 
5. You can train yourself to be a good mixer if you make a habit of always being interested in other people and showing it by your speech and actions.
6. Talk of one's personal problems and woes in public places, and in a tone of voice which easily carries to those within range, is never good taste. 
7. When you have finished your soup, if it is served in a regular soup bowl, wide and shallow, put the spoon in the bowl itself when you have finished. When eating soup out of a bouillon cup, however, put the spoon in the saucer or plate in which the cup stands.
8. It is good manners as well as good morals to suppress any unpleasant thing you may have heard of a person and tell those which are pleasant and to their credit. 
9. It is not considered good manners to smoke while dancing.
10. Ushers at a church wedding should be at the church about an hour before the time set for the ceremony. 

From the “Grab Bag” feature in the Imperial Valley Press, 1940

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Etiquette Celebration Tips

It’s perfectly appropriate to serve your cake as dessert. Of course, if you'd like to serve an additional dessert with your wedding cake, there’s nothing wrong with that either.

Is it necessary to serve dessert in addition to the wedding cake?

No. It’s perfectly appropriate to serve your cake as dessert. Of course, if you'd like to serve an additional dessert with your wedding cake, there’s nothing wrong with that either.

My fiancé’s father is an alcoholic. Should we avoid serving drinks at the reception?

That depends. Have your fiancé talk to his father about it. If his father is comfortable around alcohol and will not feel tempted to drink, go ahead and serve drinks. If your fiancé isn't sure his father will be able to stay on the wagon and would feel more comfortable if liquor wasn't served, there are plenty of festive nonalcoholic alternatives you could offer. Naturally, you should also consult your parents, or whoever is hosting the wedding as well.

We’re having a luncheon reception. Can we serve alcohol that early?

Liquor can be served anytime, from mimosas at brunch to a full-scale open bar at a nighttime reception. For a luncheon reception, a fully stocked bar is unnecessary— mimosas, champagne, bloody marys, or other light drinks would be more appropriate.

A few of my friends have been known to experiment with recreational drugs. But I don’t want them doing drugs at my wedding. What should I do?

If you suspect that some friends or relatives may want to consume substances that get them happy but can also get them arrested (read: illegal drugs), taking steps to ensure that it won't happen at your wedding is well within your rights. You don't want your big day tarnished by drugs or trouble with the law. 

Tell your friends in advance: no drugs whatsoever, not even in a quiet stall in the restroom. At the very least, it may offend other guests. At the very worst, it may provide you with the kind of “memorable wedding event” everyone would rather forget.— From “The Everything Wedding Book,” by Emily Ehrenstein and Laura Morin, 2000

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post’s Wedding Etiquette

Wedding etiquette... one of society's most perennial problems

By Elizabeth Post

Details...

Dear Mrs. Post: Who has the right to plan the wedding reception details, such as number of guests’ to invite, planning for decorations and food, etc.? It has been a question between mother and daughter. —Laura

Dear Laura: Although I don’t like putting it on that basis, it is the bride’s right to make the decisions. It’s her day, not her mother’s, and while they should consult with each other, of course, the final decisions should be the bride’s

Wedding Cake

Dear Mrs. Post: Is there a rule that says the wedding cake should be a fruit cake for a formal wedding, and a white cake for an informal wedding? —Linda 

Dear Linda: No, there’s no such rule. Years ago the wedding cake was traditionally dark fruit cake. Nowadays, even at the most formal wedding, it is a white or yellow cake with white icing. There may be, in addition, a “groom’s cake” which is dark fruit cake. This is generally cut into small portions in advance and packaged in small white boxes to be given to the guests “for good luck.”

Turtleneck? No!

Dear Mrs. Post: What do you think of a prospective bridegroom who plans to wear a turtleneck shirt with a tuxedo at his wedding? —Ellen 

Dear Ellen: I don’t like it. A wedding is one place where tradition is most important. I imagine that a wedding picture of a groom in a turtleneck will come back to haunt him years from now, just as we laugh at pictures of brides in flapper outfits of the twenties. The traditional bridal gown and the tuxedo with shirt and tie will never look out of style. 

Wedding Presents 

Dear Mrs. Post:Yesterday, I received from a bride of three weeks my wedding gift to her, with a note reading, “Since our marriage was only temporary, I feel obliged to return your lovely wedding present.” I know she was right. I know that all wedding gifts are given for the couple’s married life, and should this state not be realized, the present must be returned. But, on the other hand, wasn’t I on the receiving end at the wedding reception? Couldn’t the bride keep my gift? —Marion 

Dear Marion: The girl was right in her thoughtfulness, but wrong in her action. Wedding gifts need not be returned, no matter how brief the marriage. The exceptions are presents to her from the groom himself, or presents of particular sentimental value given to them both from his family. These should be returned. – Highland Park News, June 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag tiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Expense Etiquette

Who pays for couples’ big days? A noted bridal consultant, aided by the women's feature staff of the New York Herald Tribune prepared a “complete book of engagement and wedding etiquette” back in 1959.

Expert Helps Decide Which Are ‘His’ - ‘Her’ Expenses

NEW YORK (UPI) An arbitrator has turned up to draw the lines of responsibility for a wedding. Barbara Wilson, noted bridal consultant, aided by the women's feature staff of the New York Herald Tribune has prepared a “complete book of engagement and wedding etiquette.” In it, the division of responsibilities is clearly outlined as follows: 

The Bride’s Side 

• Provide the bridegroom’s ring, if it is a double-ring ceremony. 
• Provide the bride’s linen, lingerie clothes and luggage. 
• Order, address, stamp and mail wedding invitations and announcements and provide a stationery trousseau. 
• Plan the entire wedding ceremony from the fee for the organist to pew ribbons. 
• Provide all transportation for the entire wedding party on the day of the ceremony. 
• Plan and finance the reception down to parking facilii ties and a canopy over the door. 
• Select and finance bridal ‘attendants’ outfits. 
• Arrange for photographs, newspaper publicity, wedding books and accommodations for out-of-town guests of the bride. 
• Register the bride's name and patterns with china, silver and crystal stores and buy gifts for bridegroom and attendants 
• Bride's parents also arrange for gift for the newlyweds. 

Bridegroom’s Suite 

• Provide the bride’s engagement and wedding rings. 
• Provide bridegroom’s clothes and luggage and clothes worn by his attendants at ceremony. 
• Buy bridal bouquet, going away corsage and corsages for the two mothers, which have been selected by the bride, and boutonnieres for the best man, ushers and both fathers. 
• Arrange for accessories, such as ties, gloves and spats, for best man, ushers and both fathers. 
• Provide gifts for bride, best man and ushers. 
• Pay for the marriage license, the minister and accommodations for bridegroom's out-of-town guests. 
• Give a bachelor dinner and a rehearsal dinner. 
• Make all honeymoon arrangements and foot the bill for the wedding trip. — Madera Tribune, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Planning Etiquette

It is proper etiquette to send your gift ahead of the actual wedding date. If that is not possible, send it soon afterward, when the couple have returned from their honeymoon. Unless the wedding is held at the family home, or it is the cultural norm, it's not a good idea to bring your gift to the wedding ceremony or reception itself. If the bride and groom are leaving immediately from the reception to a honeymoon destination, they will have to arrange for someone else to pack up the gifts safely and take them away. – Above ~1960’s bride is helped by her Wedding Consultant, Anita Farrington Earl

A Wedding Consultant Tends to Hundred Little Details... An interview with a Wedding Consultant 

How long does it take to plan a big wedding? 

“It should be six months but it can be done in three,” Earl answers. The Wedding Consultant or Wedding Planner stays through every rehearsal and is on hand throughout the ceremony to zip up the bride’s dress or signal the organist to begin the music. 

Etiquette 

Before the wedding she does the planning, gives a list of etiquette, sets down the time schedule and gives check lists to each member of the party. She will assist the bride in selection of her gown and trousseau and the costumes of the mothers and bridal party. She aids arrangements for out-of-town guests, arranges the gift display, plans the bridesmaid’s luncheon, a tea for viewing presents and the rehearsal dinner. When it comes to the ceremony, she worries over every detail and even attends to the remuneration to the organist, police and minister. When it comes to the reception she will arrange for maid service, music, tips, has six pages of appropriate toasts and even suggests the order of dances.

Dance 

An example of dance etiquette, “As soon as the groom dances with the bride her father cuts in permitting the groom to ask the mother of the bride while the father and mother of the groom dance. “Then the father of the bride dances with the mother of the groom freeing the father of the groom to dance with the bride. “The best man then dances with the mother of the bride permitting the groom to dance with his mother.” Sounds complicated but it’s really not difficult, Mrs. Earl says. Mrs. Earl will make hair appointments; check to be sure the ring has been selected; make certain the couple gets a license; she suggests the bride break in her new shoes around the house before the ceremony; packs an emergency kit with sewing items, pins, kleenex, etc; and even suggest the bride call her family the next day to thank them for the wonderful affair. 

Invitations 

Invitations must be received three weeks ahead; the rule of thumb for ushers is one for every 50 guests; record gifts as received and send thank-you notes right away, she suggests. Quality always comes first keeping within the budget. Many florists or department stores, mostly sales girls, pretend to counsel on clothes and gifts, but they are not experts. It takes finesse and guidance, learned by experience, to create a wedding. You hire a professional to design a room why not a wedding, Mrs. Earl suggests. –Palos Verdes Peninsula News, 16 June 1966

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Edwardian Brides

This bridal gown is suitable only for a more pretentious affair — The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with...

Edwardian Era Etiquette for Home Weddings

At a "home wedding" the number of guests is limited. The bride wears a colored dress of light silk or a simple white one. The bridal party faces the clergyman and he faces the company. The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with. The decoration of the home is according to the tastes of the parties most interested. 

The wedding refreshments are partaken of in whatever way best conduces to the comfort and enjoyment of those present. A private wedding is one at which there are none present, except the contracting parties, the minister and the witnesses. — San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia