Etiquette for Beginnings of Endings

In May of 1938, Bette Davis starred in the newly released “Jezebel,” for which she later won the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role. By December of 1938 however, The New York Times reported on the dissolution of Bette Davis’ marriage with Harmon “Oscar” Nelson. The stated reason for divorce? The actress read too much. The news report went on to say her husband “usually just sat there while his wife read to an unnecessary degree.”

 Rules Made to Cover Divorce Decree

When the masses simply can’t understand a thing, it seems rather a pity to continue it in force. The interlocutory divorce decree, for example. It was placed on the statute books with the best possible intentions; but it seems virtually impossible to get it over to people that an interlocutory decree, the paper which so many call “my first papers,” is not a divorce at all. Because of this “blind spot” in the average understanding, we come across all kinds of complications and heartaches. The questions below show what we mean: 

“I am writing you about the ‘etiquette’ following an interlocutory decree. What is the change, if any, in the way I will be using my name. What about my wedding ring? Do I continue to wear! it?” Yes, my dear, you “continue to wear it” for you are still married and that will be your status until your final decree is signed by the judge AND, this is most important, until the decree is entered on the court records. 

Your cards, of course, are engraved as they always have been. Even following the final decree, you may if you so desire, continue to have your visiting cards engraved with your husband’s full name. If, however, he has divorced you, the matter is different. You must engrave your cards so: If, say, you were Mable Long and married John Dolittle, your new cards will be engraved Mrs. Long-Dolittle. 

As to the wedding ring: If you detest a man enough to divorce him, you will probably not wish to continue to wear his ring. But until I got the final, decree, were I in your shoes, I’d wear that ring. Personally, believing that honest ways are best, I’d wear the ring even if I were divorced. It removes from you the stigma of trying to hide your marital status. It will be time enough to remove it once you have arranged to marry another man. – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Cultivating Popularly

As an Agony Aunt, Estelle Lawton Lindsey’s name is known by few. Dale Carnegie’s name, however, is recognized around the world. One of Carnegie’s core beliefs was that a person could change the behavior of others, by changing one’s behavior toward them. The author lecturer, and developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. Was himself born into poverty. He became a household name with the popular book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in 1936. It’s remains a popular, bestseller today. His legacy lives on in the numerous “Dale Carnegie Training Courses” which have been held worldwide, since his death in 1955. -Photo source, Wikipedia 

Carnegie Book Gives Advice in Platitudes 

Lest you set down these few remarks as the products of envy, let me say right here that Dale Carnegie is a wise and provident member of the literary set, his satisfied smile announces the success of his “big idea” and his sales accent the willingness of Mr. and Mrs. Average American Citizen to accept all kinds of nostrums, like the “Ham and Eggs” initiative measure without testing the statements of the proponents. 

I’ve just been reading over his formula for the cultivation of popularity and as I read, I thought of the millions of women who are buying this season’s hats because they are popular, the hats I mean. Some of Dale’s rules are right. They have for years been accepted as part and parcel of the code practiced by the well bred. For example, “be depended upon to do what you say you will.” My generation knew it as “ladies and gentlemen keep their words.” 

“Keep clothing neat and tidy,” as commonplace in any decent circle, an accepted part of any business office code. Clean nails are more greatly to be desired than a knowledge of ancient history. “Do not reprimand people who displease you.” “Do not be bold or nervy.” “Do not lose your temper.” In short refrain from behaving as a bore. “Do not be lazy.” Did the gentleman ever meet lazy people who attracted people as honey attracts bees? If not, where did he make his observations? 

And this, oh my! “Smile pleasantly at all times.” That formula belongs in a book on etiquette for Cheshire cats. A smile ought to mean something but when the human face freezes into a meaningless grin there are people so constituted, that they take up their hats and flee. Are you one of them? – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Gifts from Fiancés

A young woman can’t properly accept either a radio or a piano from a fiancé, because both are classed as house furnishings. Ornaments she may accept, but if they are very valuable, they must be returned if the engagement is broken. When in doubt, think of house furnishings and apparel and if the proffered gift can be classed as either, people of taste and dignity do not accept. 

When in doubt, consult the etiquette books. Every library has two or three. If you have no time to run into the library, you can get the advice from the Etiquette reference department by phone. And nobody should be ashamed to inquire, when in doubt as to what is socially acceptable. 

This morning a sweet and charming girl, Adrian, came to the desk and asked about the propriety of accepting from a young man admirer, the material for a much needed coat. Of course, it isn’t done even when, as in this case, the new coat might help her get a better job. The trouble is that men buy clothes for their wives, never for their girl friends. Any girl who accepts wearing apparel from a man admirer, puts herself in a position to have her morals questioned even if the question is indicated by mere lifting of the eyebrows. Even an engaged girl does not accept from her fiancé anything that can by any interpretation, be classed as wearing apparel. She or her parents buy her own clothes, supply her transportation and furnish anything she may need for her room. 

She should never accept railroad tickets or under any circumstances an automobile, granting, of course, that her intended is rich enough to supply such a luxury. But she can, of course, drive his car, if he offers her the use of it. She can’t properly accept either a radio or a piano from him, because both are classed as house furnishings. Ornaments she may accept, but if they are very valuable, they must be returned if the engagement is broken. 

When in doubt, think of house furnishings and apparel and if the proffered gift can be classed as either, people of taste and dignity do not accept. There is plenty of time for a man to give a girl clothing after she is his wife. While a girl is single, the obligation of clothing her rests on herself and her family, even if she must dress very simply. I hope, Adrian, my dear, that this helps you as well as other girls who wish to keep within the bounds of good taste when accepting presents. -By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1940

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Guide to Noble Manners

This book on etiquette and manners is a contemporary version of the ancient literary genre known as specula principum – “Mirrors for Princes”, that is, books for, by or about rulers and their vocation. The monarchs of old needed guidance in order to rule with grace and with the people’s best interest at heart. Those who were born to rule had to smooth the rough edges in their character and to exercise temperance in all things in order not to be reduced to brutes and tyrants. And so arose a whole genre of royal self- help books with examples both good and bad for the ruler to reflect upon. – Some of the better known European “Mirrors for Princes” include Niccoló Machiavelli’s Il Principe – “The Prince”, Erasmus of Rotterdam’s Institutio principis Christiani – “Education of a Christian Prince” and the Basilikon Doron – “Royal Gift” written by King James VI of Scotland (King James I of England and Ireland) for the edification of his son.

ACT LIKE A PRINCE

Inter Folia Fructus Est– “Between the leaves is the fruit.” 

(the wisdom lies within the pages)

“Act Like a Prince,” a handy guide to noble manners is written from the perspective that all of us have a kingdom of our own to rule gracefully. Every person is called to find their throne and to be the authority in their own life. Entering the “princely” path is a life- long commitment to set healthy personal boundaries and to interact with others with kindness and tolerance.

The book is divided into nine chapters that offers advise on etiquette for specific situations as well as annotated quotes, adages and helpful hints from both ancient and contemporary sources. The lengthy introduction provides the background to the book and an overview of the main historical writers that have been selected to contribute their thoughts on good manners.

1. Meeting and Greeting  
2. In conversation
3. At the table
4. Of hospitality
5. Of friends and companions 
6. Manners and the ladies 
7. In love, marriage and divorce  
8. Of enemies and conflict 
9. A Prince in the World

Each chapter has the same structure: they start with a short preamble followed by straightforward advice on formal etiquette, manners and curious tidbits of history and culture. The last section of each chapter features a collection of annotated instructions, quotes or bits of worldly wisdom gathered from a variety of sources. Be prepared to learn some Latin, French and German!

Taken all together, this book is a manifesto of self-cultivation and brotherly love. It is written from the perspective of a “micronational” (the concept is explained in detail in the preface, introduction and appendix) Prince as a reflection on living a life aligned with the humanistic ideals of Universal Human Rights, ethics based on kindness and reason, social responsibility, personal freedom and equality between races, genders and variations in sexuality.

Chapter One - Meeting and Greeting

Every new friendship and every new love starts with a greeting. When we greet a stranger, it is an act of revealing ourselves to one another. We make our presence known, and we agree to recognise each other as individuals in a sea of unknown faces. That first smile and handshake is the key to the first door of intimacy; it is essential to get it right! 

Humans are social animals with a tendency to create complex orders of precedence based on seniority, competence, class, and gender. Most people are sensitive to the little tell-tale signs that will give away the other’s relative social status. We may call this spontaneous sociology – a quick assessment of the other's posture, clothes and choice of words, or we could call it prejudice – a refusal to see the other as anything more than the sum of our ideas of them.

A proper greeting is an opportunity for both parties to shine through the veil of preconception. As a prince, you should be able to greet and socialise, with anyone. Knowing how to present yourself to the other, by way of a pleasant smile, a firm handshake or the occasional kiss on the cheek, is vital. Learn it well!

• Unless you are physically prevented from doing so, always stand when you greet someone, or risk being called an oaf! An oaf is a derivate of the Old Norse álfr – “elf,” “changeling” or “halfwit”. In short, do not act like an ignorant. Always be on your feet to greet! 

• It used to be the privilege of the lady, or someone older or higher ranking, to initiate the greeting by extending their hand. Today these rules are somewhat relaxed, but be aware that they still apply in some circles. Especially, NEVER ”attack” someone of a more elevated social standing, or fame, by initiating a greeting. Allow them to make the first move.

• Shaking hands is a minute dance, not a wrestling match or the rubbing together of two dead flounders! As in dancing, one has to meet the partner as an equal and with gusto. One does not dance half-heartedly or with brute force. Instead, one should take the offered hand and hold it as an affirmation of the other’s presence. Greetings are preliminaries, not the main event. Shake the hand twice and let go. Clinging to the other’s hand as if it were a lifebuoy appears desperate, and is it not well known that the drowning risk taking their would-be rescuers with them into the deep? 

• If you exchange business cards with someone, be sure to give and receive them with equal care and attention. Take the card with both hands and hold it during the conversation. A business card represents someone's chosen profession, and you should treat it with respect. Never nonchalantly put it away without looking at it! It can be a good idea to have two different cards to hand out: a professional card to exchange with potential business associates, and a more personal card to give to potential friends. 

• In these days bowing and curtsying are rare reverences. That is, movements done to show deference to a superior or someone worthy of one’s utmost respect. Young princes and princesses may greet any adult in such a way until their early twenties.

Bowing is not an acrobatic manoeuvre that involves jack-knifing by swinging the hips back and forth! Stand straight and give a quick and deep nod with the head.

Curtsying is done by placing on foot slightly behind the other, then bending both knees to lower oneself a few inches. One should keep the back straight and maintain eye contact, rather than lowering one’s gaze in feigned humility. It is a social event, not an opera performance!

The renaissance dancing master Fabritio Caroso on curtsying:
”You should make the reverence with your left foot for the following reasons. First, your right foot provides strength and stability for the body, and since it is its fortress, you should do this movement with your left foot because it is weaker than your right.”

Moreover:
”Since your left foot is the limb corresponding to the side wherein your heart lies, you should always make [the curtsy] with your left foot.”

Adults never bow or curtsy except to the most elevated people, such as popes, emperors, kings, queens and one's grandmother. The so-called "Spanish Reverence" - bowing by kneeling, is reserved for the Christian altar and marriage proposals.

• On hats, mittens and gloves: greeting someone is a ceremony of social intimacy and friendship (real or potential). It means letting down the guard and offering access to one’s presence. Hence, on the theme of intimacy, certain polite practices have developed around removing the shell of outer garments when greeting. Hats or caps worn for religious reasons may stay on.

Gentlemen should always take off their hats if greeting someone, and must also remove their right glove when shaking hands. A hat should always be removed upon entering a house, but they may stay on for short journeys by car, bus or train. The sole exception is when entering a synagogue - a Jewish house of worship, where the etiquette requires all males to cover their heads.

Ladies may keep their hats on in almost all situations. Hats at social events are daytime attire and rarely worn as accessories in the evening. As protection from the sun or the cold they can be worn as outer garments at any time of day but mostly removed when going inside. Always remove the right glove when greeting someone unless the gloves are of the long variety worn at evening events.

• It is always polite to say hello! Some louts pretend they do not see acquaintances, for fear they have to stop and chat. A prince sets aside any considerations of time or antipathy and greets them with a smile, a polite nod and a hello. No more than that is required.  

• Always say your full name, and say it clearly, when you introduce yourself. You probably know your name by heart, and you should concentrate more on learning the other's. Should you happen to forget someone's name, apologise and ask them to repeat it. If you have tons of confidence you could try the following formula used by an unnamed 19th-century count: “You do not happen to remember your name, do you?” Make sure to remember their name the second time they say it! 

• Kissing on the cheek is reserved for friends and family, unless you are travelling in countries such as France where it is more widespread even between strangers. Two kisses are usually enough: first on the right cheek, then on the left. Put your cheek against the other's and kiss the air, not the skin (they could be wearing makeup, and you do not want to ruin it). Kissing on the cheeks is an ancient greeting, not an erotic prelude. It is perfectly fine to kiss people of both genders socially, but one would be advised to be aware of any cultural biases against men showing affection to other men. Some sillies still believe that manliness is a quality that gets sucked out of their bodies if they should happen to touch another
gentleman. 

• Kissing on the hand is a rare sign of devotion, and it should not be a smacker on the knuckles. Gently lift the soon-to-be-kissed right hand, incline the head in a slight bow and lightly touch the lips to the top of the hand. Do not moisten the lips before kissing! 

• The supreme mark of respect and adoration is to combine kissing on the cheeks with a kiss on the hand. The Prince of Wales, or “Prince Charles”, sets a beautiful example with his greeting of his mother and sovereign Queen Elizabeth II. Kiss the cheeks first, then the right hand. 

• Not everyone is comfortable with social kissing and hugging. Be attentive and remember which of your friends prefer shaking hands. 

• What to say by way of greeting? No more is needed than a friendly “hello” or “How do you do?” to new acquaintances. The proper way to reply to the above question is to repeat it back with another “how do you do?” Do not say something silly like “delighted to meet you” if you do not feel this emotion. Your face is a portal to your soul, and there are myriad little twitches, creases and stiff spots that will betray the true nature of your sentiments. 

• It is more elegant to match the greeting to the time of day! A “Good Morning” early in the day, and “Good Evening” after six o’ clock, will bring more shine to your crown than would a simple “Hi.” 

• When introducing two or more people to each other, always first introduce the gentleman to the lady, the “inferior” to the “superior” and the younger to the senior. Example: “Mama, have you met my friend Count Erich Qvittenberg? Erich, this is my mother H.S.H. Princess Lena-Birgitta von Fräähsen zu Lorenzburg.” 

• ALWAYS introduce people to each other if you stop to chat with a friend while in the company of another. NEVER make people recede into the shadows while you start speaking to an acquaintance. Having good manners means including, not excluding, others. 

• Shine the light on the people you introduce! After introductions always mention something interesting about those you have introduced. Say something about their charity work or an area of specialised knowledge or interest, it will help the new acquaintances to start a conversation. 

• Parting well is equally important to greeting politely. Always make a good last impression! Say your farewells as cordially as you said hello.

Erasmus the Scholar on meeting and greeting:

“A certain person teaches, and not without reason, that we should salute freely. For a courteous and kind salutation oftentimes engages friendship and reconciles persons at variance, undoubtedly nourishing and increasing a mutual benevolence. There are indeed some persons that are such churls, and of so clownish a disposition, that if you salute them, they will scarcely salute you again. However, this vice is in some persons rather the effect of their education than their natural disposition.”
What to say when parting (according to Erasmus):
- Fare ye all well.
- Farewell.
- Take care of your health.
- Take great care of your health.
- I bid you good-by, time calls me away, fare ye well. 

- I wish you as well as may be.
- Farewell mightily, or if you had rather have it so, lustily. 

- Fare you well as you are worthy.
- Fare you as well as you deserve.
- Farewell for these two days.
- If you send me away, farewell till tomorrow.

“God, through the words of Solomon, has so commanded that we show respect and stand up before an aged person. He has also commanded through Saint Paul to give double honour to our elders.”

“He that takes care to do honour to him that is like unto us, or to our inferiors, is made never less, but more civil, and therefore more honourable. He who defers to his equal or inferior is not, by doing that, demeaning himself, but is more civil and therefore more worthy of respect. He must speak reverently and in few words with his superiors, with his equals amiably and gently.”

His Serene Highness Prince Freï von Fräähsen zu Lorenzburg was born in 1976 on the feast day of the patron saint of all things loud and banging! Dynamite, fireworks, gunpowder, thunder and cannons are under the domain of St. Barbara and her day, December 4th, is celebrated accordingly. Perhaps it is little surprise then, that Prince Freï was destined to become a little loud and colourful. He grew up on a hearty diet of fantasy literature, roleplaying games and the proximity to nature.

Prince Freï is a choreographer, performance artist, heraldic artist, artistic researcher and writer currently based in Gothenburg, Sweden. The author’s family history started with knight Laurens Bosson Påfågel (Peacock) who was born in 1239.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Dress Etiquette

“However much a man’s mother may regret her son’s choice, she has no right to humiliate his bride at her own wedding– mortify her and make her unhappy. A woman of 63, dressed up to imitate a bride of 22, is not a pleasing picture.”

“This problem has two horns. One is etiquette; the other animus. Let’s get at the facts; 

‘Is it wedding etiquette for a bridegroom’s mother to wear her own white satin wedding dress, of the vintage of 1912 to her sons wedding? When she knows her son’s bride-elect has chosen white satin for her own bridal dress? 

‘There is no use to argue. Opposition would only make her the more determined to do it her own way. However much a man’s mother may regret her son’s choice she has no right to humiliate his bride at her own wedding– mortify her and make her unhappy. A woman of 63 dressed up to imitate a bride of 22 is not a pleasing picture. She could have her wedding dress dyed a pretty shade of lavender or any other color she liked. It is a handsome piece of satin and would dye well. 

‘She is so conceited, she said with a malicious grin that people would take her for the bride. There is no hurry. But your help would be appreciated. “She’s somewhat of a stickler for etiquette.’ –signed, Disgusted

“If she is a stickler for etiquette she will have her dress not only dyed but made over on more modern lines. So will she be appropriately and more becomingly dressed. However, are you sure you are not maligning her? It has been the custom once in so often for a woman to wear her own wedding dress at some special formal occasion. She may be genuinely mistaken, wishing to do honor to the occasion. 

“Also, are you certain that you have not misinterpreted a joking remark and set down to vanity a thoughtless joke? Seriously, a woman could not expect at 63 to be mistaken for a bride in her early 20s. By getting angry you are complicating a situation that could readily be worked out on a basis of goodwill and good taste. Get some outsider to suggest to your mother-in-law-elect that wedding finery almost a quarter of a century passed, is hardly the best choice for a son’s wedding. Even if your future mother-in-law did such a thing, you should be neither mortified nor hurt. To feel so, shows a small nature.” – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1935

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Treating Servants Fairly

Not all servants in the early 20th century were as well-treated or content as those characters which were depicted in television’s “Downton Abbey.” Some common courtesy and thoughtfulness of treatment by the employers would have gone a long way in the lives of those who lived in servitude.

Thoughtlessness on Part of Some Employers

There is a thoughtless group of people who ignore servants as though they might be articles of furniture instead of live things, who can feel and see and suffer mental, as well as physical, pain. This is a social class who suffer thoughtlessly inflicted pain and humiliation, with the general attitude of those who inflict it being that their feelings don’t count —if they have any. 

“I am writing of the servant class, the Bridgets and the Mary Anns. You notice I write the Ann without a final “e" the little finish which sets a gulf between the socially important and their less fortunate sisters. The particular Bridget who wrote what follows is an educated foreign woman whose education is plainly evident in her handwriting and her thinking. How would you like to be such a woman and earn your living working for some of the people whom she describes? 

‘For my class it’s take it on the chin, grin or beat it and no job. To be sure I’m British. I served in one home eight years which seems to prove that I was treated humanely. I remember the lovely room I had and often compared it with the Bridget’s quarters given me, to a long succession of dumps I’ve occupied here. I thought of it recently as I retired in my servant’s room better described as a pig sty.’ 

Walls of Room Dirty...

‘It was small, dark and had dirty walls which could be cleaned up for the cost of about $4. But when approached on the subject my mistress said ‘no.’ She considered herself a socialite but some of her neighbors called her ‘alley cat.’ And I guess she earned that. 

One former employer still owes me for two years back wages. I took it to the small claims court but find all you get there is a judgment. The court makes no effort to enforce its findings. So it’s up to me to do my own collecting. 

At another place of squatting I found the parents two drunks. The trimmings were all attached, and there was street fighting with the officers at 3 a. m. ‘Papa’ met me in the hall as he was coming in and he was wearing his real birthday suit so I packed and moved. Many maids I know have wonderful references but stay in a place only a little while.’ 

Considers Folks Funny...

‘Do you blame them? I am middle-aged and homeless but an experienced needle-woman—and so, although I hate it—l’m on relief.  And my former employers are among those who complain against the luxury I am supposed to enjoy. I should, have been content with a Bridget’s lot.  Ain’t’ folks funny?’

 Funny? No. It’s more like “thoughtless and careless.” – From an article by Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: Formulas for Every Situation

There are many books of etiquette in the book stores, most of them reliable. Simple understandable rules are there for study. A formula for every emergency that may arise. Advice about how to set a table, how to use knives, forks and spoons and how to use those which you find at your place when you are a guest in a private house or on some more formal occasion.

She says, “Etiquette Course is Needed”

The troubled parents who wrote me, wanted to know where they could learn correct table manners and the usages of polite society. There are many books of etiquette in the book stores, most of them reliable. Just now Emily Post’s “Etiquette” seems popular. 

Simple understandable rules are there for study. A formula for every emergency that may arise. Advice about how to set a table, how to use knives, forks and spoons and how to use those which you find at your place when you are a guest in a private house or on some more formal occasion.

Read up before accepting any invitation. Then sit down quietly at the table and watch somebody, preferably the hostess. If you are unfamiliar with the silver gadgets you find beside you, talk to somebody until the hostess takes up the one which the first course calls for, and begins to eat. You will find it very simple to follow. Do a lot of watching. That’s the way we all learn.  

People with good table manners learned them from others who had them, sometimes naturally and easily in childhood, sometimes by observation and study later, when the value of beautiful manners began to impress them. If you do not approve of yourself, the way you behave in company, the way you speak, you can at any time learn better ways. It’s strictly up to you. – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey for San Pedro News, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

An Etiquettical Talk on Introductions

 “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – Nancy Page

Nancy Page has an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions.

Nancy found many old friends down in Florida. They were glad to see her and gave teas, receptions, bridge luncheons and affairs galore in her honor. At one sorority tea she noticed that one of the girls was watching her intently. Later she found the reason. It seems that the girls had been having an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions. They had been told to watch the guests at this particular tea. Later Nancy and the girls discussed the whole question. 

“Why did you remain seated when other folks were brought up to you and introduced, Mrs. Page?” “Because a woman never rises when being introduced unless the other person is elderly or very distinguished. Of course, if I were a young girl and were being introduced to—oh say, a person as old as I am—l would stand. That is youth's duty. But if I were a college girl being introduced to another, college girl X would not get up.” 

‘‘Would you rise if a man were brought up to be introduced?" “No indeed, unless he were most distinguished, say a Bishop, a President or a cabinet officer or foreign diplomat.” ‘‘Should the man rise if he is seated when a woman is brought up?” “Yes, surely. That motion of hospitality belongs unless he were aged.” 

“Should a man extend his hand in greeting to the woman?” “She should extend her hand first. Of course, if a man does reach out his hand she does not acknowledge it by extending her own, but the man made the error in putting his out first.” “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – “Nancy Page” by Florence La Ganke, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Napkin Folding Etiquette

“If the monogram was placed in the corner, she turned in three corners of the square to give a shield shape. Sometimes she folded in two corners, which gave a six sided figure.”

Fashions in Folding

Followed by “Nancy Page”

When Nancy came to arrange her new linen closets, she decided that she might as well settle upon some definite rules for folding her freshly laundered linen. Then having settled that it would be easy to keep the shelves looking neat and tidy. She had small napkins of tea size, napkins used for breakfast and luncheon and the larger dinner napkins. 

In addition, there were the tiny fruit or cocktail napkins, but these small bits of linen needed no folding. She instructed her laundress to fold the tea napkins in triangular folds. The breakfast napkins were folded into squares and then diagonally across. The dinner napkins were folded into thirds, length-wise and then thirds, cross-wise. Sometimes she placed them folded this fashion on the dinner plates. Sometimes she gave them a narrow long appearance by turning in the two sides of the large square. 

If the monogram was placed in the corner, she turned in three corners of the square to give a shield shape. Sometimes she folded in two corners, which gave a six sided figure. All of these last folds were done loosely at time of setting the table. She instructed the laundress to fold towels so that they could be hung on racks with no refolding, and sheets were to be folded into thirds. length-wise and then in as many cross folds as necessary. This always brought the monogram on sheets in center top. – “Nancy Page” is by Florence La Ganke, 1929 

Etiquette Enthusiast,Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Written Correspondence

Miss Allen said, “I am sure you did not open this, girls. You see, your mother knows that it is not correct to close the flap when she sends a note by messenger...”

The Children Learn Fine Points Of Letter Etiquette

The two Green sisters had a note for teacher. Mother had sent it with them. As the teacher took it in her hands, the girls saw her eyes fall upon the open flap of the envelope before she looked at the address on the envelope itself. The girls said, “Mother didn’t lick the envelope, Miss Allen, honestly, she didn't.’’ They seemed to think that the teacher might believe that they had opened the envelope to read the note. Miss Allen said, “I am sure you did not open this, girls. You see, your mother knows that it is not correct to close the flap when she sends a note by messenger. Suppose we talk about letter writing when the last bell rings.” 

During the ensuing discussion the children learned the following things about letter writing. First, that simple, plain letter paper is better than any gaudy or heavily decorated stationery. Correct letter paper is always unlined and certainly not perfumed. Fashions in monogramming change but rather plain initials, not too large, are always in good taste. Gold edged cards, monograms heavily embossed or engraved in silver or gold are not as correct as the smaller ones embossed in a color. 

Any note should be enclosed in an envelope, not sent with a corner of the folded paper turned down. But when the note is delivered by anyone other than a professional messenger the flap of the envelope is left unsealed. The envelope may carry the words “kindness of” but this is unnecessary. The recipient will know it has been brought by the bearer, so why state it on the envelope? 

It is silly to use colored inks. There is nothing easier to read than black on white or cream. Lavender ink, green ink, red ink may have their place on invitations for special affairs, such as a Saint Patrick's day party or a Christmas affair, but for every day use there is nothing nicer than black, or a blue so deep it looks black. – By Florence La Ganke, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Danish Bicycling Etiquette

Copenhagen is the most bicycle friendly city in the world. 62% of residents ride a bike daily to work or education in the city – Photo source VisitDenmark.com

On 5th of May in 1849, King Frederik signed the Denmark Constitution, which marked the start of a constitutional monarchy, so every May 5th Denmark celebrates its Constitutional Day, and if the beginning of summer treats them gently, Danish people spend today outdoors enjoying open-faced smorrebrod sandwiches on rye bread paired with hyldeblomstsaft. But there is one activity what they do throughout the year for sure – cycling! Did you know that Danish people have been dedicated cyclists for centuries? 

This is the so called Danish way of expressing equality between all social classes, and Copenhagen prides itself on being one of the most bicycle-friendly cities in the world. Thanks to Simply Danish Living, I know that more than 45% of all people use the bicycle as their main means of transportation. In the Danish business culture,  many workplaces have a changing room set aside for bikers and it is very common to see top level business professionals in suits biking to and from work. 

So let's briefly explore the Danish cycling etiquette for a safer and more enjoyable ride while in Denmark:

• Use hand signals! Left hand up- you are stopping, Hand out to the right - you are turning right, hand to the left means you are turning left. Simple.
• If you are going fast, stay outside, going slow, stay inside, and please always be aware of others, always look over your shoulder before you pull out.
• Do not listen your music too loudly, because you cannot hear what's going on around you (ambulance, buses, cyclists etc).
• Do not use your phone, no calls no text messages, unless you can manage it handsfree. In Denmark you can easily get a fine for using your phone while biking.
• In the darker months, you have to be even more visible, so be sure you have your lights on, and reflectors.
• Please, don't cycle with your buddy side-by-side - it's annoying.
• For your and others' safety, please always follow the signs and obey the rules.

Imagine, statistics show that three of the busiest bike streets in Copenhagen boast on average 40,700, 36,000, and 30,200 cyclists per day.

Gabriella Kanyok is a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 10 years' experience in working with EU institutes, NGOs, internaionalorganisations, and supporting professionals. She not only advises and trains government- and EU officials, and businessmen in the field of diplomatic protocol and business etiquette, but she leads the communication department of an international organisation. Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies, and a Master’s in Protocol, Diplomacy and Cross Cultural Relations. She speaks Hungarian, English and French, and is currently learning Mandarin Chinese.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Fork vs Fingers Etiquette

Dining shouldn’t be turned into a guessing game. When does one use fingers and when did one use forks or spoons? Use these rules listed below.

Forks and Fingers are Not Used Interchangeably  

Peter’s niece was just beginning to go out to dinner parties. She came to Aunt Nancy one day and hemmed and hawed until Nancy knew she had something on her mind. She tentatively opened a number of subjects but had so little response that she knew something else was bothering the girl. Just then Joan came in for her supper and Aunt Nancy talked to her about the way she was holding her spoon. “I wish some one had told me things when I was young. Aunt Nancy. Then I would not be puzzled now. I never know whether I am eating foods in the right way or not.” And with this opening Nancy had quite a chance to talk on table etiquette.

Her special problems seemed to be fork and finger foods. When did one use fingers and when did one use forks or spoons? Nancy gave these rules: 

• Pickles, olives, nuts, candies, breads, rolls, radishes, celery, cookies, corn on the cob, small plain cakes, globe artichokes are all finger foods.
• A spoon is used for stewed or, creamed vegetables, berries, fruit cocktails, cantaloupe, soft puddings and ice cream unless special fork is provided. 
• Meat, vegetables, salads, and watermelon call for use of fork. So does a filled or heavily iced cake. 
• Melon balls, oysters clams use small special fork. 
• The ice (aspic) served with a meat course is eaten with fork unless spoon is provided.  – San Pedro Pilot, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Moral Teaching

Eating food from his knife... “It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal.”

A Victorian Argument for Teaching Morality as Equally as Manners

Did you ever stop to think that if one-half the anxiety expended in teaching a child not to eat with its knife were directed toward teaching it to be charitable and pure, truthful and sweet hearted the world would be a better inn to tarry at? It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal. As for me, I shall grow gray headed perhaps, and decrepit if the Lord spares me; my children's children shall rise up and call me grandmother, the friends of my youth shall wane also as wanes the harvest moon, but even down to and through the palsy of life's decline I shall protect my right to take up a bit of elusive potato with whatever utensil it seemeth easiest to avail myself of. 

I do not think the angel who guards the celestial gate will stop to ask no much whether we used our knives in eating as whether we slashed and stabbed at each other with weapons of scandal and indiscriminating hate. There will be worse things charged against us, I am thinking, than the breach of social amenities or the failure in conventional usages. The question propounded will take hold of deeper matters, and our entrance into the great company of the elect shall depend on graver issues. So let us spend less time in polishing the externals; let us look to it that not only the fabric of the character we weave grows glistening and white, but also that the texture is firm and there are no dropped stitches and shoddy warp for the light of eternity to reveal.—Chicago Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Plea for Elementary Etiquette

The teacher who adopts the rule of saying with a smile, “Thank you,” will be more cheerfully obeyed, and we all know that we comply more cheerfully when asked “Will you kindly do so and so?” than when we are commanded “to do so and so.”

In all of the ultra-fashioned schools girls particularly are taken through a regular course of etiquette, to fit them for the social world, and why not the children less fortunate who have no advantages of home training. A woman of refinement teaching a public school must often feel revolted at the manners of the little people who are so easily corrected when approached in the proper spirit, and it would seem less unpleasant to reform these tender sprigs than to train the hardened shoots of later years. A teacher who meets the children confided to her with a pleasant “Good morning” fosters a habit that a child will never outgrow. The teacher who adopts the rule of saying with a smile, “Thank you,” will be more cheerfully obeyed, and we all know that we comply more cheerfully when asked “Will you kindly do so and so?” than when we are commanded “to do so and so.” No one is ever the loser through extending courtesy, and we all know how much pleasure these trifles add to life. The politeness clauses should embrace a series of “talks,” or as the Italians say “conversaziones,” in which various topics should be discussed. 

An amiable teacher with a well developed vein of humor would find such classes a pleasant relaxation, but she should cultivate the tact that steers clear of both ridicule and sarcasm. A sensitive child, who felt its lack of polish, would be deeply hurt by ridicule in the presence of a whole school, but this self same sensitive young one would be the quickest to profit by such lessons. In this splendid country of ours, where fortunes are made in a day and the sons of laborers have an equal chance, through brains and, ability, of rising to the very highest positions in the gift of the people, where the daughters, through beauty of person or that indefinable charm of grace, may wed millionaires, the necessity of this species of training is obvious. Many of these children know nothing of the graceful amenities of life, which they are so anxious to learn. They are ambitious and self-reliant, as all American children are, and yet are hampered by the total ignorance of the merest rudiments of social ethics. In Washington, those having the interests of the rising generation at heart, cannot fail to appreciate the value of a course of “polite lessons” in the schools. – San Francisco Call, 1903

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Etiquette Dictated the Fashion

Princess Louise, Duchess of Argyll, was the sixth child and fourth daughter of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. In 1878, her husband, John, Marquess of Lorne, the heir of the Duke of Argyll, was appointed Governor General of Canada. It was a post he held from 1878–1884. Louise, as “viceregal consort,” starting a lasting interest in Canada. Her name was used to name many features in Canada. In her public life, she was a strong proponent of the arts and higher education and of the feminist cause. – Photo public domain

A Canadian Difficulty

The Canadians are just now entangled in a very curious and perplexing controversy. The new Governor General’s Court is of course regulated in accordance with royal etiquette, and one of the most inflexible regulations is that which ordains that all ladies attending it shall be in full dress. Now, whether the upper circles of Canada are peculiarly Arcadian and primitive in their habits, or whether the inclemency of the climate has necessitated a departure from the practice of denudation which is elsewhere regarded as full evening costume, is not apparent ; but the fact is that a loud outcry has been raised in the Canadian press against the contemplated innovation, and some very venerable arguments have been aired upon the occasion. 

It has been pointed out with some force, however, that thus far the only opinions which have been made public are those of men and that the opinions of the Canadian women may possibly not agree with them. Certainly it would be an unheard of thing if these ladies suffered any considerations of hygiene or prudery to hinder them from following the fashion, whatever it might be. It is not to be supposed that they differ in mental structure and habit from their sisters all over the world, and it is tolerably well ascertained that whatever kind of costume fashion prescribes, whether it is cut down to the waist before and behind, or fastened up to the throat, that costume the dear creatures will wear, even if it kills them. The idea that the Canadian ladies would rebel against the etiquette of a royal court, moreover, is simply preposterous. 

This demonstration of horror and indignation undoubtedly comes from the stupid men, who never can be got to perceive that there are in practice no rigid standards of modesty, propriety, right or wrong, but that everything is permissible which Fashion ordains, no matter what it may involve in the way of undressing. If low necks and short sleeves are de rigueur at the Court of Princess Louise, depend upon it there will be no resistance to the decree. The only thing to be hoped is that this impending anatomical display may possess its aesthetic compensations, and that the Canadian damsels and matrons will, to employ the language of the P. R., “peel well.” – Sacramento Daily Union, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Healthy 1930 Etiquette Suggestion

While finger bowls, and finger bowl usage, have fallen in and out of fashion over decades and centuries, clean fingers at the dining table have always been fashionable.

Finger Bowls First

Though it is contrary to the book of etiquette, finger bowls ought really to be served at the beginning rather than at the end of a meal. The present practice serves an aesthetic end, the recommended one would serve as a measure of better personal hygiene. But there is nothing very novel in this suggestion. In fact, it is an old idea. The Mosaic law which includes so many good rules for the protection of health, forbids an orthodox believer to touch food before his hands have been washed. 

Keen observation had no doubt impressed the author of those sanitary laws that unclean hands are a source of, and a means of, transmitting disease. Indeed, the observations need not to have been so very keen to appreciate the point, for in the course of an hour the hands come in contact with a vast multitude of things which in themselves had previously been touched by scores if not hundreds of others, and each contact represents a possible source of danger. 

Now the matter is simple and yet! A large number of our schools have lunch rooms for their pupils, or cafeteria services, where those that cannot, or will not go home for their midday meal, may eat. How many among these schools provide washing facilities? How many shops, factories, or offices have a place where the workers might wash their hands before eating, without having to stand in line for half the lunch period? And also how many parents insist upon having their children come to the dinner table with hands freshly washed? 

Consider the care we bestow upon our foods, how we protect our milk, our meat and our water from contamination and pollution, and then consider how all of the precautions bestowed upon our food substances turn to naught by the soiled hands that transport the victuals from table to mouth. – Edited by Dr. lago Galdston for the N. Y. Academy of Medicine, 1930

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia