Etiquette and Chinese Ancestors

Animated ancestors in the Disney’s tale of a feisty, Chinese teen heroine, “Mulan.”

Ancestor worship still exists and as this is one of the teachings of Confucius. Shantung China, so near the grave of Confucius, is perhaps one of the places to see it at its best. Every Chinese household has within its doors an ancestral hall, a shrine in which are deposited the tablets of the deceased ancestors. 

Every clan has also an ancestral temple which forms a rallying point for its members who come to join in the ritual as new shrines are to be set up. These tablets are slips of wood about one foot high and three inches wide, placed upright on a pedestal, and having inscribed on each side the name, rank, date of birth and death. They remind one of a tombstone kept in a home instead of being placed at a grave.

After the consecration of the tablet, a dinner is spread for the dead. Then money and clothing are set out. These are left on the table for several days. The eldest son is compelled to go through an elaborate ceremony in carrying food and wine to the burial place for several days, and to say prayers before the tablet when he returns home. For this reason, the Chinese are anxious to have a son. 

If there is no son and no one to perform the ceremony, the ghost, hungry and ill-clothed, is destined to wander about the earth. They are especially particular in the observance of ceremony and have a set etiquette. For instance, the first thing one man does upon meeting another is, to ask what each member of the family is doing, his age, his full name, and if he is married, his wife’s name, and whether they have any sons (for it seems that girls do not count). After that they talk about anything they like. – Los Angeles Hearald, 1919

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Conversation Etiquette

Chinese brothers in the United States, circa 1890 – Confucianism's core values of etiquette and politeness are key components of the Chinese culture value system.

Extreme Politeness: Chinese etiquette requires that in conversation, each should compliment the other, and everybody belonging to him in the most laudatory style, and depreciate himself, with all pertaining to him, to the lowest possible point.  

The following is a fair sample of Chinese conversation; “What is your honorable name?” “My insignificant appellation is Wong.” “Where is your magnificent palace?” “My contemptible hut is at Suchan.” “How many are your illustrious children?” “My vile, worthless brats are five.” “How is the health of your distinguished spouse?” “My mean, good-for-nothing old woman is well.” — Harper’s Weekly , 1861

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Vietnamese Customs and Etiquette for Visiting Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Women in traditional Vietnamese outfits ~ It is rare for older Vietnamese women to shake hands with each other, or with men. Most physical contact between grown-up relatives or friends (both males and females), or between the same or opposite sexes, is not a commonly seen.  Many greet one another by bowing slightly to each other.  They may join hands.  In fact, members of the same sex often hold hands while walking together. Men and women do not show affection in public. Usually, higher ranking people are greeted first, for example, the head of the family. Touching children on the head is only done by parents, grandparents, etc... There are several titles of respect in the Vietnamese language, but these are not used in English. "Thua" (which means "please") is added in front of the first name as a show of respect. Visitors should use Mr., Ms., or a title, plus someone's first name.

With its curious blend of communist ideology and Confucianism, Vietnam can be a confusing place for first-time visitors. However, an important element of the society is its tolerance, which means you are likely to be forgiven if you show ignorance of Vietnamese ways. Nevertheless, most visitors like to avoid upsetting locals, so it pays to keep a few points of Vietnamese culture in mind while in Saigon in order to make your stay a smooth one.

Few visitors from Western countries, where communism is demonised, will need to be warned to avoid conflicts with the police or soldiers. In fact, such conflicts are unlikely as the presence of such state representatives on the streets of Saigon is minimal.

A view of Ho Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon) at night ~ Watch your body language in Vietnam: To beckon someone, extend your arm with your palm facing downward, and move your fingers in a scratching motion. Only beckon someone who has a "lower" status than you. Summoning someone with a curled index finger, is only done by a person's superior. 

Still, you need to remember that places like military installations are sensitive subjects and if you start taking pictures of such things, you could get yourself in trouble. This does not include places like the Cu Chi Tunnels and the War Remnants Museum, where you are free to photograph war relics that relate to the Vietnamese victory over its oppressors.

One aspect of Confucianism is that it is very conservative, and while the local people may appear to be casually dressed, there are certain places such as temples where visitors are expected to be respectfully attired. This means covering your shoulders and legs (no sleeveless shirts or shorts) and removing your shoes before entering the main building. As with every country, when you find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, it pays to watch carefully how the locals behave and imitate their behaviour to avoid causing offence.

“Women leaders in Vietnam are good at getting a family environment where people feel like they are part of a family or part of a team.  They have high loyalty.” –Bloomberg News

The conservative element in Vietnamese culture also means that it is very uncomfortable with open gay behaviour by men and women. The tolerant element of the culture means that gays are not persecuted, but there are few gay-friendly bars in Saigon and the majority of the city’s inhabitants still consider homosexuals to be as undesirable as prostitutes or drug dealers.

While you may occasionally witness Vietnamese arguing with each other, as with many Southeast Asian countries Vietnam puts a premium on controlling your temper. So if you find yourself getting angry, say with a tour agent for not providing services as advertised, take a deep breath and state your case in a calm, reasonable manner. This is much more likely to bring a satisfactory response than raising your voice and threatening the person concerned.

Vietnamese summer rolls ~ On dining in Vietnam:  Always use both hands when passing something to another person. Don’t be shy about lifting your bowl of rice or noodles to your mouth and shovelling it in with your chopsticks or slurping loudly. Such behaviour is a sign of someone enjoying their food and will probably please the cook.

Though most visitors have no difficulty adapting to Vietnamese culture, one area where many feel uneasy is eating in local restaurants. Don’t be surprised if you see customers discarding bones and tissues on the floor, as this is accepted practice and you’ll probably get a smile if they see you doing the same.

In the same way, don’t be shy about lifting your bowl of rice or noodles to your mouth and shovelling it in with your chopsticks or slurping loudly. Such behaviour is a sign of someone enjoying their food and will probably please the cook.

As for tipping, it’s unheard of in basic hole-in-the-wall places, though staff in restaurants that cater to tourists will appreciate it if you leave a few thousand dong. Likewise, if you are happy with the service given you by a tour guide or driver, any tip you offer will supplement their meagre salary. –Main article source One Stop Saigon

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Chinese Etiquette and Confucius

“Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.” Confucius 

Confucius has always been, and remains today, China's most famous philosopher. Born June 19th, 551 B.C. at Shang-ping, in the country of Lu. His name was Kong, but his disciples called him Kong-fu-tse, (i.e. Kong the Teacher, or Master). Jesuit missionaries Latinized that into Confucius. His father died when he was only three, so he was very carefully brought up by his mother, Yan-she. He displayed an extraordinary love of learning, and a veneration for the ancient laws of his country, even from an early age. Later, as a government official and through his travels, Confucius witnessed a growing disorder and chaos in the Ancient Chinese system. This was during the Zhou Dynasty. 

Perhaps due to injustices and all of the turmoil, Confucius he set it upon himself to develop a new "moral code" for mankind. This code was based on education, respect, kindness, honesty and strong family bonds. The teachings of Confucius would later became the basis for religious and moral life throughout the whole of China.

The Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial is a Chinese classic text about Zhou Dynasty social behavior and ceremonial ritual as it was practiced and understood during the Spring and Autumn Period. The Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial, along with the Rites of Zhou and the Book of Rites, formed the "Three Rites" which guided traditional Confucian understandings of propriety and behavior.

How important is li (propriety; rites; manner) in Chinese societies/culture?
"Confucius can truly be said to have molded Chinese civilization in general" (Wing-Tsit Chan, 1963:14). (The following translation is from Chan, 1963.)

Analects (Lun Yu) is practically accepted by all scholars are the most reliable source of Confucius' doctrines. The following translation is from D.C. Lau (1979).

On filial piety from Analects: 1:2 Yu Tzu said, "Few of those who are filial sons and respectful brothers will show disrespect to superiors, and there has never been a man who is not disrespectful to superiors and yet creates disorder. A superior man is devoted to the fundamentals (the root). When the root is firmly established, the moral law (Tao) will grow. Filial piety and brotherly respect are the root of humanity (jen)."

1:6 Young men should be filial when at home and respectful to their elders when away from home. They should be earnest and faithful. They should love all extensively and be intimate with men of humanity. When they have any energy to spare after the performance of moral duties, they should use it to study literature and the arts (wen).

1:11 Confucius said, "When a man's father is alive, look at the bent of his will. When his father is dead, look at his conduct. If for the three years [of mourning] he does not change from the way of his father, he may be called filial."

2:5 Meng I Tzu asked about filial piety. Confucius said: "Never disobey." [Later,] when Fan Ch'ih was driving him, Confucius told him, "Meng-sun asked me about filial piety, and I answered him, 'Never disobey.'" Fan Ch'ih said, "What does that mean?" Confucius said, "When parents are alive, serve them according to the rules of propriety. When they die, bury them according to the rules of propriety and sacrifice to them according to the rules of propriety."

2:7 Tzu-yu asked about filial piety. Confucius said, "Filial piety nowadays means to be able to support one's parents. But we support even dogs and horses. If there is no feeling of reverence, wherein lies the difference?"

4:18 Confucius said, "In serving his parents, a son may gently remonstrate with them. When he sees that they are not inclined to listen to him, he should resume an attitude of reverence and not abandon his effort to serve them. He may feel worried, but does not complain."

4:19 Confucius said, "When his parents are alive, a son should not go far abroad; or if he does, he should let them know where he goes."

4:21 Confucius said, "A son should always keep in mind the age of his parents. It is an occasion for joy [that they are enjoying long life] and also an occasion for anxiety [that another year is gone]."


On Ceremonies and Music:

1: Yu Tzu said, "Among the functions of propriety (li) the most valuable is that it establishes harmony. The excellence of the ways of ancient kings consists of this. It is the guiding principle of all things great and small. If things go amiss, and you, understanding harmony, try to achieve it without regulating it by the rules of propriety, they will still go amiss."
2:5 Meng I Tzu asked about filial piety. Confucius said: "Never disobey." [Later,] when Fan Ch'ih was driving him, Confucius told him, "Meng-sun asked me about filial piety, and I answered him, 'Never disobey.'" Fan Ch'ih said, "What does that mean?" Confucius said, "When parents are alive, serve them according to the rules of propriety. When they die, bury them according to the rules of propriety and sacrifice to them according to the rules of propriety."

3:3 Confucius said, "If a man is not humane (jen), what has he to do with ceremonies (li)? If he is not humane, what has he to do with music?"

3:4 Lin Fang asked about the foundation of ceremonies. Confucius said, "An important question indeed! In rituals or ceremonies, be thrifty rather than extravagant, and in funerals, be deeply sorrowful rather than shallow in sentiment."

3:17 Tzu-kung wanted to do away with the sacrificing of a lamb at the ceremony in which the beginning of each month is reported to ancestors. Confucius said, "Tz'u! You love the lamb but I love the ceremony."

3:19 Duke Ting asked how the ruler should employ his ministers and how the ministers should serve their ruler. Confucius said, "A ruler should employ his ministers according to the principle of propriety, and ministers should serve their ruler with loyalty."

6:25 Confucius said, "The superior man extensively studies literature (wen) and restrains himself with the rules of propriety. Thus he will not violate the Way.

8:8 Confucius said, "Let a man be stimulated by poetry, established by the rules of propriety, and perfected by music."

8:9 Confucius said, "The common people may be made to follow it (the Way) but may not be made to understand it."
[Cheng Hsuan said "the common people" refers to ignorant people and Chu Hsi said that ordinary people do things without understanding why.]

From "Rites of Passage in Chinese Society"

Confucius was said to have exceptionally good manners even as a child, and to have been very interested in rules of etiquette throughout his life.

Li is the “appropriate manner of overt behavior needed to express one's inner thoughts or intentions.” Archie J. Bahm on
Confucius and "Li"~

Li is better referred to as politeness and social etiquette rather than religious ritual. Confucius tried to revive past etiquette. People must therefore act consistent, being polite at all times with no deviation or lowering of standards for the sake of fitting in or out of laxity. Confucianism does have some rituals, though people can be both Confucian and of another religion like Buddhism or Taoism, they usually follow the other religion's rituals.

It includes socially proper ways of acting, and also acting toward others in ways such that they will not mistake your intentions. One's outer expression should reflect one's inner nature, or at least one's intention in this situation. This involves a measure of chung, described below. There is considerable subjectivity involved in determining li, but yi, jen, and hsin all require li.

For Confucius, li included proper etiquette or good manners, as agreed on by thee family and community. One who fails to make use of them is more likely to be misunderstood. However, deceivers can also make use of such rules of etiquette, and someone who is taken in by a false use of good etiquette is likely to become mistrustful.

Learning the customary forms of external behavior should not be done blindly, but with an explanation and understanding of their inner significance--why they are important. Formalism occurs when one's external forms do not correctly reveal one's internal attitudes, and this shoud be avoided. But the ideals and principles suggested by Confucius ultimately gave rise to much that is formalistic, and as a result many have forgotten that antiformalism was an important principle in his teachings.

(We may note that Confucius was said to have exceptionally good manners even as a child, and to have been very interested in rules of etiquette throughout his life.)

From Sonoma State University

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J.Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia