There is a prevailing opinion among many people, and especially society people, that a residence in the country is synonymous with awkward manners, lack of politeness and disregard of etiquette generally. We can really think of no reason why this should be the case, and if in some instances it is so, the cause is not to be found in the fact of having lived outside of the region of brick walls and paved streets, but from causes entirely outside of this circumstance. Many a person ignorant of the most common forms of politeness and etiquette, may be found among the denizens of the city, who have never seen a cornfield or dug a potato.
It is said of some people and children that is natural to them to be polite, that it seems to be born in them. This is true, only in the sense that no other example being presented, they learn it so easily it appears to be natural. A child’s mind is a blank, and everything he knows is learned at some time. This is shown sometimes in the case of a spoiled child, who has always been allowed to have his own way and treat others as he pleases. His parents may be cultivated and refined people, but such a child will reach across the table to help himself, will say “give me this,” or snatch an article away from another, or do any of the rude things supposed to be confined to ignorant and uncultivated society.
The native politeness which one would expect will appear to be entirely wanting. Since, then, politeness is entirely an acquired habit, there can be no reason why it should not be acquired in the country as well as the city, and we have no doubt but what this is the case. There are probably few houses into which this paper goes where the ordinary forms of politeness are not observed. Children are taught to say “thank you,” and “if you please,” and to say “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir,” when spoken to. But there are some forms of what is called etiquette that are sometimes neglected. Among these that of table etiquette is perhaps most important, as a talk of such knowledge occasions great embarrassment to a person when thrown among company who are accustomed to such forms.
The use of napkins are sometimes neglected, which is an important omission. Fashion now prescribes such large napkins that they are sometimes denominated small tablecloths, tablecloths, but whether large or small, children should be accustomed to the use of them. It is not necessary to fasten the napkin under the chin, except in small children, the action being too suggestive of a bib, but unfolded and laid in the lap, to be used for wiping the fingers or mouth. There are a few persons who do not find occasion for its use, even if they do not take the bones in their fingers as children are apt to do, if left to themselves.
Polite society does not allow even chicken bones to be taken in the fingers which were formerly the only exception, but the meat must be removed as far as possible with the knife and fork on the plate. It being necessary to first teach children to use the knife with the right hand, it is sometimes a little hard to accustom them to the use of the fork in that hand also, and they may require repeated admonitions. But once learned they will never forget it, and much mortification may be saved in the future for whatever may be thought of the use of the fork, certainly no other method of eating is accepted in polite society.
Neglect of these particulars may cause children to ask the reproachful question, “Why did you not teach me these things?” The days of delicate appetites among ladies especially have gone by, and it is considered perfectly proper to be helped a second time if desired. No one wishes to make a glutton of himself, but when hungry the appetite may be appeased without fear of being thought ill-bred. Neither is it necessary to wait until all are helped before beginning to eat.
If a large party is at the table, the first one should wait a reasonable time until those around him are helped. It is not necessary to say “thanks” or “thank you,” every time an article is passed, as the repetition becomes monotonous, a single inclination of the head being quite sufficient. As has been said in regard to slang and correct language, if we wish children to acquire proper habits, we must practice them ourselves, so in matters of etiquette they must be kept constantly before the child and practiced until they are second nature. And really, one way is as easy as the other.— Western Rural, 1885
🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia
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