1990’s Wedding Etiquette

The 1990’s ushered in a host of new trends and non-traditional themes in American weddings. Numerous magazines featured wedding and bridal etiquette tips — When speaking on new etiquette for weddings, Elizabeth Post said at the time, “People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves.”

Wedding etiquette, once practically carved in stone, is now written on the wind. Just for starters, the bridal couple may have been living together before the wedding. The groom may have selected a woman as his honor attendant while the “maid” of honor is a man. The bride may walk down the aisle on the arms of both her father and her stepfather, or with her mother. The wedding service may be conducted by two members of the clergy, each of a different denomination.

“The nicest thing that has happened is that weddings have become more individual,” says Elizabeth Post, granddaughter of Emily Post, who kept earlier generations’ manners in order. “We have many more choices today. People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves,” says Post, who recently revised “Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette.”

Still, she discerns a growing interest in observing the forms, after an era in which many people wanted to eliminate them in the interest of spontaneity and freedom. “Compared to the 1970s and the 1960s, people want more structure, but without returning to the formality that characterized the Victorian age,” says Post.

Or as Annie Chervin Edwards, who was married in South Salem, NY last spring, puts it: “I didn't want my wedding to be stuffy, but I didn't want anything to be in bad taste, either. Although she didn't plan on observing traditions such as having a receiving line, she says that one materialized naturally after the ceremony as guests came up to congratulate the couple and their parents.

“Etiquette today is changing to accommodate feelings, which is only right, since it evolved as ritualized courtesy which is a form of kindness,” says Barbara Tober, editor of Bride's Magazine. Some practices now considered appropriate once either frowned on, or not considered, include sharing expenses between both sets of parents, closing the bar early or even doing without alcoholic beverages altogether, inviting live-in mates as well as spouses of friends, and addressing invitations to a husband and wife who don't share the same last name, Bride’s reports.

A common question: Who gives the bride away? “Tradition says it's her own father's prerogative, but this can lead to hurt feelings if she has been living with her mother and stepfather for many years. Many brides are writing to ask if their mother can give them away. I say yes even though there may be some raised eyebrows if that is what the bride would like. A mother's place traditionally is in the front row, but if a stepmother has been more important in the bride’s or groom’s life, she is the one who should be given this seat of honor,” says Post. —Associated Press, 1991

  🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia