Taking Advantage of Hospitality

Nisei is referring to a person in the United States or Canada born, to a Japanese immigrant. Evidently back in the 1930s, some Nisei born in the US, felt quite comfortable taking a handful of cigarettes from a hostess’s or host’s cigarette box, to put in their pockets for later, as opposed to just taking one at a time, much to the chagrin of their immigrant parents… 

“We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, ‘Please help yourselves.’” – It was common for hosts and hostesses to have boxes of cigarettes, usually highly decorative, in their homes for guests. Like with bowls of candy, however, Etiquette dictated that one should wait until offered a cigarette before taking one, and only one, at a time. Good manners would keep most people from grabbing several at one time to stick in their pockets! – 

Above, An early 20th C. Art Deco Glass Cigarette Box and Lid by Cambridge Glass Co. As Etiquipedia does not smoke, hers is used to hold cotton swabs on her vanity tray.

In “I’m Telling You, DEIRDRE!” 

A Breach of Nisei Etiquette

While we are on the subject of Nisei manners and such, another thing comes to our mind which we cannot help mentioning. Most likely many of our young Nisei friends have noticed the common sin which we are about to mention, as well some of our hostess friends.

We have gone to social affairs where hostesses have had cigarette boxes lying around with cigarettes therein. And we have seen some Nisei open these boxes and help themselves to it without asking the hostess, or even having received her invitation to do the same. Of course, we know that the cigarettes are there for the benefit of the guests; but we hardly think that it is good etiquette for the guests to help themselves to it, when the hostess has not said, “Please help yourselves.”

Another thing which is a more glaring faux pas that we have seen some Nisei boys commit, is that one of grabbing a handful of these cigarettes and pocketing them. We are sure the hostess or host may not be stingy but it is hardly good form for the guests to “chisel” in this manner. At least, it does not look very nice to an observer on the side. 

Our readers may have seen at some time or another, a similar breach of etiquette committed with candies and other such refreshments. Our Issei elders and hosts have often commented on this to us, and we do happen to know that they are very displeased at such actions on the part of the Nisei. 

One Issei man told us that he has actually seen college students and so-called college graduates doing these things as well as the younger high school “kids.” Even if our young people are not really bad people, the Issei are very likely to judge us by these actions, and of course the impressions that we leave behind are hardly favorable.

Often we do these things because we are careless and thoughtless rather than intentional or downright rudeness. About the only thing which we can do to remedy the situation with our young people is to point out some of our shortcomings can check up on themselves. — The New World Sun, 1938

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Carelessness of Dress

 “Remember when it meant a special new bonnet, something to inspire an Irving Berlin song? Remember when you looked forward to the special new outfit to be worn on that day and when you'd not dream of going to church without hat and gloves? What changed it all? You could blame on credit everything from a general letdown in our requirements for etiquette, to rebellion against the "older generation" standards, to a new lifestyle that simply left no time for daily grooming requirements such as washing white gloves and shining one's shoes.— Etiquipedia cannot recall what year exactly it was in the 1960’s she and her sisters stopped getting new Easter dresses, bonnets, white shoes and white gloves, but toward the later 1960’s, Southern California was decidedly trending in a more laid back and casual style than much of the rest of the United States. 

Has Carelessness Become the Mode?

"Her dresses always looked as though they had been designed in a rage and put on in a tempest...she tried to look picturesque but only succeeded in being untidy... like a bird of paradise that had been out all night in the rain." Those words were written in 1890-91 by Oscar Wilde in "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

They could just as well be a commentary today on the way so many women are dressing. That "casual" look in clothes, in other words, has gone just too far. It's time for a return to some sanity, some semblance of elegance, clothes to make men's eyes turn in admiration instead of astonishment. My suggestion is that we start spring by dressing up again.

Why not begin with Easter Sunday? Remember when it meant a special new bonnet, something to inspire an Irving Berlin song? Remember when you looked forward to the special new outfit to be worn on that day and when you'd not dream of going to church without hat and gloves?

What changed it all? You could blame credit on everything from a general letdown in our requirements for etiquette, to rebellion against the "older generation" standards, to a new lifestyle that simply left no time for daily grooming requirements such as washing white gloves and shining one's shoes.

You can say it all happened because we no longer had our fashion image makers constantly before us. White-gloved Princess Grace went off to royal duties and bringing up a family in Monaco. The Duchess of Windsor, a supreme example of elegance, went almost into seclusion after the death of the Duke, Britain's former King.

Even Jacqueline Kennedy changed. When she was First Lady, Women's Wear Daily gave her another title-“Her Elegance." Then women copied everything, from the now Mrs, Aristotle Onassis’ pillbox hats to her smart, lower-heeled shoes, and admired or envied her regal look when she entertained heads of state.

Now, more often than not, we catch pictures of Mrs. Onassis windblown, wearing the eternal dark glasses, in pants and "poor boy" pullover tops, (Or, in the case of one Italian magazine's claim, her altogether.)

Somewhere we traded in neatness for carelessness and I think acceptance of pants everywhere - office, shopping, even the most elegant restaurants helped pull down the barriers.

I am not anti-pantsuits so much as pro-skirts. Trousers have a definite place on the modern scene and I confess that I'm wearing them even as I write this at the office. But often there is some feminine rebellion that says, "Put on a dress today, and immediately I feel more like a woman.

I take no strong stand one way or another on hats. They go handsomely with some faces, terribly with others. Apparently the young are helping to bring them back for the millinery industry reports a thriving business this spring.

One of my earliest childhood memories, however, is of my mother in a new hat on Easter one of pale gray straw, brim covered with big flowers in assorted pinks, the whole thing a frame for her blonde Gibson Girl hair style, I thought then (and I still do) that she was one of the loveliest creatures I'd ever seen,

For whatever it's worth as the final word, the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche once wrote, "Has a woman who knew that she was well-dressed ever caught a cold?"– By Gay Pauley, UPI Women's Editor, 1973

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Napkin Etiquette and Usage

Its relevance is so significant, that in Buckingham Palace, when setting the table for a state dinner, an expert is dedicated to the art of the napkin, from the importance of the fabric, its washing, ironing and of course folding and placement of the napkins for the laying of the table. — Image from the book “For the Royal Table: Dining at the Palace” and was created by “The Royal Collection” in Great Britain. 

What makes a napkin? A piece of cloth (or occasionally paper), almost always square, that’s main purpose is to dab or wipe food away from our mouths while eating or drinking. 

If we have children, it seems that we continually pick up and wipe them with napkins… accidents at the table when a drink spills, or food that falls onto the table or children themselves. In other words, napkins at a dinner table are indispensable.

I believe that napkins also “speak”. I believe napkins have their own identity, as I say. It is “their language”. Their physical appearance: fabric, color, design, how we place them, where we put them… they say so much.

The napkin can be square or rectangular, depending on the time of the meal, the size of the napkin varies. If it is for cocktails, it is small and square. If it is for dinner, we use the largest sized napkin, usually in a rectangle. 

On the internet we can find a lot of different ways of how to fold them to “present” them at the table. Various shapes have come in and out of fashion over the centuries. The most important thing is our creativity and intention to achieve something nice in such an important moment as sharing a meal with our loved ones.

The napkin is the first thing we see when we sit down in a restaurant for a business lunch, a romantic dinner, or simply a nice meal with our friends. Its presentation influences in such a way that just with a napkin we can instinctively know what to expect from that meeting and meal.

Its relevance is so significant, that in Buckingham Palace, when setting the table for a state dinner, an expert is dedicated to the art of the napkin, from the importance of the fabric, its washing, ironing and of course folding and placement of the napkins for the laying of the table.

The napkin is presented on the table, almost always on top of the plate or to our left at the beginning of the fork sequence.

When we sit at the table before starting a meal we place the napkin across our laps. If during the meal we have to get up, it is best to leave it on the seat of the chair, although depending on the casualness of where we are dining, we can occasionally leave a napkin slightly crumpled on the left side of the setting until we return. When we finish eating, we will leave it on the left side of the setting, but only when the meal is finished and everyone is getting up to leave the table.

All these rules are important, so that the rest of the participants, especially the waiters and waitresses, know how to proceed.

Details as simple as those if made by our children decorating the table at home to the sophisticated tables in elegant restaurants, all leave a mark to remember.

Meet our newest contributor, Isabel. E. Martinez, who was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Server Theatrics? Or Better Service?

Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) is one of my favorite writers of etiquette. Witty and knowledgeable, her answers are pure gold and sometimes hilariously funny. But Etiquipedia wonders if she was ever employed in the restaurant industry. If she had been, perhaps this answer wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting, nor as funny. Having been a manager many years ago, in a very popular Newport Beach restaurant, Etiquipedia knows that kneeling down to a table was not a common servers’ trick to get a higher tip back in the day. It was, oftentimes, to hear the patrons’ orders more clearly. When a server is standing in a very noisy establishment, possibly with their ears a few feet from customers’ voices, it’s very difficult to hear the food orders being placed. Even when it was quiet in the restaurant, many diners have a bad habit of looking down at their menus while reading from them and placing their orders. Kneeling down was one way to put the servers’ ears closer to the customers’ voices. This is something I have taught in my youth advanced classes for 36 years: Look up and directly at servers’ faces when ordering from them. Timid voices of young people often don’t carry in loud restaurant settings. Those voices don’t reach the servers’ ears.”

Kneeling shouldn't earn waiter extra tip according to Miss Manners… 

Etiquipedia however wonders, should it?

Dear Miss Manners: I have noticed some very strange behavior in several nice restaurants. “Servers” (no longer called waiters) getting down on their knees or squatting to take my order. These servers are young, but still! My friend asked one why, and he replied that he was tired. I asked another, and he replied that he didn't like to exhibit physical dominance over customers. It is all rather startling. Is this a new custom in the making?

Gentle Reader: New? Miss Manners assures you that this is an Elizabethan custom. Those who served the Lord of the castle and his most honored guests, did so from a kneeling position. They were called “servers” or “sewers.”

You have probably wandered into an Elizabethan restaurant, or posibly a time warp. Do the servers kiss your napkin, as well as taste your food, to make sure that it is not poisoned? You might test Miss Manners’ theory by calling “Sewer!” to see if one responds, or by throwing the bones on the floor to see if this is the approved way of busing one’s plate.

No, wait. If this posture has to do with the new claim that people tip more to servers who hover below them, rather than above them, Miss Manners’ tests would probably not be a good idea. Neither, in that case, would be increased tipping, which would only encourage this silliness. —By Miss Manners, Press Democrat, 1996

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The “Red Book of Good Social Form”

Before Emily Post’s blue book of “Etiquette,” there was W.C. Green’s “red book of etiquette.” His “Dictionary of Etiquette,” was easy to read, well-reviewed and extremely popular. It was first published in 1904 and is still being sold today. Below is what W.C. Green had to say about bachelors’ dinners of the day.

BACHELORS' DINNERS. They follow the usual custom of formal dinners, and may be as elaborate as desired. Women may be invited. Such dinners are often given for men only.

CALLS. Women do not call upon a bachelor after attending a dinner given by him.

CHAPERONE. If women are present, a married woman as chaperone is indispensable, and her husband must also be invited. The host should call upon the chaperone and personally request the favor. The chaperone is taken into dinner by the host, unless the latter takes in the woman in whose honor the dinner may be given. In the latter case, the chaperone is seated at the host's left. She gives the signal for the women to leave the dining-room. All guests should be introduced to the chaperone, and she should be called upon after a short time by the host.

DRESS. All guests wear evening dress.

HOST. The host should call upon the chaperone within a few days after the dinner. If men only are present, he either precedes or follows the guests into the dining-room, and if he has given the dinner in honor of some man, he has the latter seated at his right. His duties are the same as the host at dinners.

INVITATIONS. These are usually given in brief notes, but may be engraved, and are similar to the regular invitations to dinners, and are treated accordingly.

MEN. The men wear evening dress, and follow the same etiquette as at other dinners.

WOMEN. The women wear evening dress, and follow the same etiquette as at all dinners, except that no calls are made by them afterward upon the host. –“A Dictionary of Etiquette,” W. C. Green's red book on social good form, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Travel Correspondence

“It is a convenience that first class hotels should abolish and a sort of cheap advertisement that does no credit to the proprietor or the hotel patrons.” Nevertheless, it is a convenience of which not a few people, usually regarded as well bred, avail themselves.

Items About Letters

“The practice of writing letters or notes at hotels on paper with a view of the house is beneath comment,” according to a feminine authority on etiquette. "No man or woman of culture would commit such an error. It is a convenience that first class hotels should abolish and a sort of cheap advertisement that does no credit to the proprietor or the hotel patrons." Nevertheless, it is a convenience of which not a few people, usually regarded as well bred, avail themselves. 

More generally practiced is the following from the same source, "When writing letters at a country house, stamp them before they are collected for the post; your host is not supposed to pay your postage. Out of town people usually have a heavy mail and can spare no time to attend to the minor details of their guests' correspondence." — The San Jose Herald, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Elevated Simple Celery

Anytime I find an old patented item in patent archives, which has something to do with food, dining, or serving foods, I get excited. Especially if it’s something I’ve never seen brought to life via old Antiques listed online or in shops. This is one. I don’t believe I’ve seen before. I don’t think it was made or put into production of any kind.

This one is from the Gilded Age and the Gilded Age was a period in which some of today’s simplest sounding foods, could be considered exotic or very important to one’s dining peers. Celery was one such food. That is because celery was perishable, meaning only the truly wealthy could have it at a variety of times in the year they could afford to preserve it in ice and any other manner that was modern in the late 1800s. The poor and lower classes could not afford such a luxury item.

As I’ve shown before in posts here, Celery was rather special. It was elevated at the table in special receptacles, called celery vases. We think of vases as being for holding flowers or purely decorative. Hostesses in the late 19 century displayed celery in them. The simple green stalks with leaves had their own fabulous vessels at the table? Of course! How else was a host supposed to show them off? 

Celery vases came in silver, plate, and sterling, crystal and even delicate china. What was paired with celery stalks? Salt. Another food which most modern dinner guests consider a very humble addition to the table, with no knowledge of how important salt has been throughout history, and to life itself. Below is a portion of an article A Glimpse of Victorian, Middle-Class Dining from 2021. Below that is an explanation of the patented vase and salt holder.

“The impact of new technologies-such as in food processing, meatpacking, refrigeration and rapid transportation-and their relation to food, menu planning and serving implements was also explored. As more foods became available, their status was often reflected by the utensils designed for their service and display. If you look at the implements, you can make some assumptions about the value people placed on certain types of foods.

A blown and engraved footed glass vase for serving celery for example, and a glass and silverplate sardine box and sterling silver sardine server decorated with fish motifs, gives an indication of the regard held for foods now common place, that were once considered rare and unique. “When celery was a high status food, it was displayed high on the table; as it became widely available, it was relegated to low, flat dishes.” Ms. Williams said.

Similarly, a silver-plate cup on a pivotal base was designed with a spiral hook inside, on which an orange could be twisted and firmly held in place as it was rotated, and then eaten with a special knife and spoon. The objects in the show were selected to illustrate a range of styles from simple to ornate. One interesting thing about the exhibition was that it took an object and then showed how elaborate its presentation might have been. Sterling silver and cut glass were used by the upper class while items in pressed glass and silver-plate were used by the middle-class. — Portions of this are from an article published in the New York Times, April 3, 1988

UNITED STATES PATENT OFFICE

FRANK C. WINSHIP, OF BRIDGEPORT, OHIO, ASSIGNOR TO LA BELLE GLASS COMPANY, OF SAME PLACE

DESIGN FOR COMBINED GLASS VESSELS

Specific invention forming part of Design No. 10,954, dated December 10, 1878; application filed November 22, 1878.  [Term of patent 37 years.] 

To all whom it may concern:

Be it known that I, FRANK C. WINSHIP, of Bridgeport, in the county of Belmont and State of Ohio, have invented a new Design for Combined Glass Vessel; and I do hereby declare the following to be a full, clear, and exact description of the same, reference being had to the accompanying drawings, forming part of this specification, in which—

Figure 1 is a perspective view, and Fig. 2 a bottom plan. Similar letters of reference in the several figures denote the same parts.
The vessel for which my design is specially adapted is a combination of a small “individual" salt-holder with a larger holder adapted to contain celery, or to hold a napkin, or, by reducing its size, to be used as an egg-glass, or for other similar table use; and my design consists in the arrangement of an elongated flat bar, e, with an upwardly-projecting annular flange, constituting the salt-holder, and by an upwardly-projecting stem supporting a bowl or goblet shaped vessel, constituting the celery holder, or its equivalent, said salt-holder and celery-holder being independent of each other, except as connected by the base-plate. This necessarily gives the whole combination a peculiar configuration, which is the subject of this invention, independently of any particular ornamentation of the combined vessel.

In the drawings, B is the base; S, the salt-holder, and C the celery-holder, arranged as above described. The edges of the base may be fluted, as shown at a, and the sides of the salt-holder may be fluted as shown at e. mm are crossed marks or indentations on the under side of the base, that show through it and add to the beauty of the device.

I claim as my invention- The design for a combined vessel for table use, herein described, consisting, essentially, in the elongated flat glass base-plate B, supporting the annular salt-vesselS, and the stem and bowl C, arranged with relation to each other in the form substantially as described.

FRANK C. WINSHIP.

Witnesses:
J. A. HARRIS, 

T. C. ROWLES

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Along with teaching etiquette to all ages and giving talks on old flatware, she was an etiquette consultant for 2 seasons of the HBO – Julian Fellowes’ series, “The Gilded Age” and continues to consult on historical dining and social etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Craziness of Kings and Queens

 The intellectual degeneracy of etiquette monarchs may have a good deal to do with the Sybaritism of their palace life.

Why Monarchs Were Insane

Pathologists have often pointed out the fact that physical and mental enervation are apt to go hand in hand, and the intellectual degeneracy of etiquette monarchs may have a good deal to do with the Sybaritism of their palace life.

The plebeian functions which mediaval sovereigns were obliged to perform by proxy included the adjustment of their gala gloves. They had flunkies to remove their cravats and warm their nightshirts, unplait their pigtails and tuck up their bedclothes around their shoulders. In the morning courtiers competed for the honor of holding their washbasin. Peers of the realm waited on bended knees to buckle their shoes. 

If the inheritor of a legitimate throne lifted a spoon to break an egg. Lynx-eyed lackeys anticipated his needs with the agility of trained conjurers. Like his food, his information on current topics was served ready dressed and cooked, till he turned into a masticating machine and repeater of conventional twaddle.-Lippincott's, 1901

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Europe’s Noble Ragamuffins

After several days of reading about the merchandising of the House of Windsor, where only those claiming the moniker “Sussex” were hanging around with their wallets open, it was refreshing to read how many Americans have always viewed such Noble Ragamuffins. It’s also a good reminder that forks have only been common at America’s tables since the 1830’s to 1840’s. ~According to a quick Google search, I was able to glean this information on Fishbladder’s book: Based on an 1893 edition of the Eldora Enterprise, the “Handbook of Indoor Etiquette” was a fictional or satirical, yet influential, manual credited to the “immortal professor Fishbladder.” It served as a guide for high society in Chicago, emphasizing refined manners such as eating peas with a fork, promoting dull-finished jewelry, and encouraging quiet elegance in style to combat uncouth elements.- From newspaper archives .com

We are not giving ourselves any uneasiness about the visit of the Infanta Eulalie to Chicago. All this talk about our inability to keep up our end of the rules of etiquette is simply so much fiction calculated to belittle our cultured society. Chicago has not been idle the last four years. 

Ever since the immortal Professor A. J. Fishbladder came into the midst of us and taught us how to eat peas with a fork we have been able to hold our own against the rest of creation. There was a time when some uncouth elements in our society denounced Fishbladder as a charlatan. All these persecutions did Fishbladder suffer with the patient, unprotesting meekness of a medieval Christian martyr, and now, lo and behold, the harvest has come, and we glory in the fruition of his teachings.

It is to Fishbladder that we are largely indebted for our ability to toady, miscellaneously and abjectly, to the vast and unassorted lot of foreign titled nincompoops and knaves that is being spawned upon this country at this time. So long as the Fishbladder "Handbook of Indoor Etiquette" holds out its saving grace we need have no fear for Chicago's culture, and we can confidently view the swelling influx of Europe's noble ragamuffins. -Chicago Record. 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Medieval Times Dining Madness

Even the noble families in England in the Middle Ages shared common plates and cups, used fingers instead of forks, licked their plates, wiped their teeth on the tablecloth… 

OLD CUSTOMS SEEM CURIOUS

Common Plates and Cups Were Once Shared 

and 

Diners Fought for the Biggest Share of Portions

Noble families in England in the Middle Ages shared common plates and cups, used fingers instead of forks, licked their plates, wiped their teeth on the tablecloth, and scrambled for the largest portion, says the Detroit News. Books on etiquette issued in the Fifteenth century pointed out that these things were not good manners. The art of cooking in the Middle Ages flourished, however, cooks excelling at artistic and rich confectionery.

Dancing in medieval times was true to its name. Dancers really moved with nimbleness and agility instead of slowly posturing round the room in the manner of modern dancers. The noble and his family and servants lived and slept in the great hall of the castle, with next to no privacy. A better state of things evolved gradually, more rooms being added and more windows put in, insuring greater seclusion for the lord and his family. — The Banner, 1923

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Diplomats and Uniforms

Mr. Sanford resigned on a point of etiquette. He had adopted the “Marcy uniform” — that is, a plain dress for State occasions…

 ⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

“Did the U.S. Ever Require Diplomatic Uniforms? Before the Department of State formally established uniforms in 1817, American diplomats often designed their own. That year, the State Department prescribed an official ‘civilian suit’ modeled after what U.S. delegates wore to the Conference of Ghent in 1814, which ended the War of 1812. Even then, uniforms were mostly reserved for ceremonial occasions, and the practice quickly fell out of favor. By 1853, Secretary of State William L. Marcy issued a circular recommending that U.S. diplomats simply wear ‘the simple dress of an American citizen’ (U.S. Department of State, 2003). Still, many foreign governments preferred a standardized diplomatic uniform for formal events, which left American diplomats to decide for themselves. That flexibility made the U.S. stand out in the 19th century—and it continues to set the tone today, as uniforms remain common in many other diplomatic corps around the world” — From a terrific article by Victoria Monroy on LinkedIn.

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Above — Wearing the official Belgian diplomatic uniform, Baron Henri Beyens photographed in 2011. Courtesy of Wikipedia

A Question of Dress

Mr. Sandford, for a long time Secretary of Legation at Paris, has resigned, and Mr. Pratt, of Ohio, is to have the place. Mr. Sanford resigned on a point of etiquette. He had adopted the Marcy uniform — that is, a plain dress for State occasions — and Mr. Mason had determined that the Legation should adhere to the court dress heretofore worn, and the difficulty being in itself irreconcilable, Mr. Sandford resigned. Our foreign missions must be important when dress is the principal subject of discussion and dissension.—The San Joaquin Republican, 1854

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Frugality Encouraged

“And let me furthermore mention two ways which eat out the annual income in a more sure and telling way than the corruption of moth and rust; extravagance in dress on the part of women, and tobacco on the part of men. Nothing can be said on these subjects that has not already been said, but I often think that the one sex winks at the extravagances of the other, on the principle that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones, and vice versa.” — Above, a Gilded Age, ornate sterling check-cutter by George Shiebler. Before checks were perforated, they came in large sheets, usually 3 at a time. Check cutters on desks became very helpful to businessmen. Oftentimes, they came in backs were marked with inches, meaning they doubled as rulers. From the Etiquipedia private collection.

How to Reduce Household Expenses

To the Editor of the New-York Times:Having read an article under this head in today's (Jan. 19) TIMES, I am anxious to state some other methods whereby to lessen the extravagances of living. In the first place, the wasteful ways of housekeepers and servants might be avoided, for as we learned in our first efforts at ‘Tis willful waste makes woeful want.” A large proportion of our people throw away what is left from one meal to another, from one day to an other, from one season to another; or if not at the moment willfully thrown away, the fragments are left so unprotected from dust and insects as to be utterly worthless when called for.

The same waste extends through out many households, from waste of food and clothing, to a careless treatment of all the articles required in housekeeping, so that what should last any family a lifetime needs to be replenished every year. The best carpets are swept with the street brooms, the lace and damask are left unprotected from dust, the little articles of vertu are knocked about by ruthless hands, the soft blankets, which every one must know are apt to be ruined in washing, are thrown upon the floor; the metal-ware is left wet, and the wooden-ware is left dry; the oil-cloths and painted wood-work are everlastingly scoured with soap, though this latter device for throwing money into the fire is supposed to be owing to a secret understanding with the house-painters.

I might prolong these enumerations, as it is not only when china breaks that the housekeeper feels undone, but I will pass to the remedy. Let every one understand what are the real needs of a household, put their own shoulder to the wheel as an assistant before ever dreaming of directing others; learn by actual experience the very best way of doing every kind of house-work, and at once some progress is made toward improving the state of affairs. Where every one is in a phlegmatic state of content, what need of change? 

It is a dissatisfaction with the present way that paves a new way. And let me furthermore mention two ways which eat out the annual income in a more sure and telling way than the corruption of moth and rust; extravagance in dress on the part of women, and tobacco on the part of men. Nothing can be said on these subjects that has not already been said, but I often think that the one sex winks at the extravagances of the other, on the principle that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones, and vice versa. 

It is not the taxation alone which makes it so difficult to live. Rents are somewhat reduced, bread and milk are less in price, meat is very much cheaper, butter is cheaper than during the war, tea and coffee are twenty percent, all cotton and worsted goods are cheaper, all cotton cheaper. Shoes would be cheaper if people would be content to cover the foot, but it the shoemaker must furnish enough extra leather to cover the leg also, should we wonder if he charges extra? Almost every shoe-store offers of good shoes of an old style at a low price.

I do not ask that our people should make dawdies of themselves, but that they should throw the blame at the right place-not at the country, not at the Government, but at that little altar of laziness and vanity in their own breasts. As to the tobacco drain, let any one notice the prices affixed to the cigars in the cases at the stores, then remark the number of those consumed in one day by the individual, and remember that in the year there are 365 days; let him notice these straws, and he will see why his money blows away, and why he has nothing to lay up against a rainy day.

I very much fear that when some of the weightier taxes are removed, our people will feel they have means to soar into still greater extravagance than ever. Ours is a soaring nation, its wings never having been clipped by such limitations as rule England and Germany, and it is only that rare quality, common sense, which can teach us to soar in the right direction. – A “Reader” in the New York Times, January 21, 1872

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Art and Etiquette of Afternoon Tea

Finally, on the top part of the stand, the third tier, small pastries are served, also typically English, which bring this moment of conviviality to a close.

The British Afternoon Tea Ceremony

Around the world, the ritual of tea is known as one of the most cherished and meaningful moments to enjoy a good infusion, alone or in company. It is well known that this precious beverage spread from China to all of Europe precisely from Great Britain, becoming a fundamental part of English life. However, not everyone knows that there are very specific rules that should be followed.

First of all, you need to choose a good loose-leaf tea and steep it in boiling water — depending on the type of infusion chosen — for three to six minutes. For each guest, the teapot should contain one teaspoon of loose-leaf tea, plus one extra “for the pot.” Separately, of course, there will be the sugar bowl and milk jug. And what about lemon? The English almost never use lemon, substituting it with milk. Do you know why? Not for a reason that’s fundamentally about taste, but for a logistical one to solve a serious problem: at one time, English teacups couldn’t withstand the heat of the tea and would break. To get around this problem, the English started putting the milk in the cup first to cool down the hot tea that would be poured in right after. 

Naturally, after 1700, with the founding of historic companies like Wedgwood, Spode, Minton, etc…, the materials used were able to keep cups from cracking under heat thanks to the use of kaolin, effectively leading to the birth of porcelain and bone china. Afternoon tea, thanks to Anna Maria Russell, Duchess of Bedford, people began to accompany the drink with both sweet and savory bites. It’s no coincidence that a three-tiered plate is served with very specific foods: on the first tier, the lowest one, sandwiches made with white and brown bread are served, filled with chicken, eggs, salmon, etc…

On the second tier, buns sometimes studded with raisins called scones are served; they are split in half by hand, never with a knife, and filled with clotted cream and strawberry jam. In reality, there’s a historic dispute between Devonshire, which says you should put the clotted cream on first and then the jam, and Cornish, which says you should spread the jam first and then the clotted cream. The latter is a sort of butter-cream similar to mascarpone that is really hard to find in many countries.

Above, a patent for a gilded age “Sandwich Plate” by Haviland. The “sandwich set” with plate and cup has a very wide saucer to hold biscuits, scones, finger sandwiches or pastries.

Finally, on the top part of the stand, the third tier, small pastries are served, also typically English, which bring this moment of conviviality to a close. Many hotels around the world recreate this ritual, adding the option to serve Prosecco or champagne. The most interesting thing, though, is seeing what tools have been invented to fill the table with dishware and surprise the guests. Among the cups, for example, there’s the “mustache cup,” which has ceramic or porcelain ledges to keep mustaches from getting dirty, or the “luncheon set” or “sandwich set,” which have a very wide saucer to hold biscuits, scones, finger sandwiches or pastries. 

Other interesting items are new utensils like the lemon fork with spread out or “splayed” tines for picking up lemon slices, the jam spoon with a chiseled edge, the bird-shaped lemon squeezer, the sugar cube tongs, and strainers of various shapes and materials. In short, it’s a ritual that becomes an experience and can be compared to the beauty of the Japanese, Chinese, French, New Zealand, or Italian tea ceremony.

Other interesting items are new utensils like the lemon fork with spread out or “splayed” tines for picking up lemon slices, the jam spoon with a chiseled edge, the bird-shaped lemon squeezer, the sugar cube tongs, and strainers of various shapes and materials.

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, is a frequent television guest. Very active on Instagram @galateopetra_carsetti, Petra is happily married to well-known wine and food aficionado, journalist and author, Carlo Cambi and together they have one daughter. Her books Galatime and Galatime II are full of etiquette and entertaining advice.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Handshaking Etiquette

A gentleman cannot take a lady's hand unless she offers it, and an American authority on etiquette reminds him that be must not “pinch or retain it.” A young lady must not offer hers first, or shake that given her, unless she is the gentleman’s friend.

Hand shaking is British. The lounger in society, in his glass of fashion, enumerates its various styles as indicative of character. These are aggressive, supercilious, sympathetic, emotional, but none of these are required by etiquette. Still, to shake, or, rather, to take or give a hand in mere conventional greeting, is a cultivated art of society. 

A gentleman cannot take a lady's hand unless she offers it, and an American authority on etiquette reminds him that be must not “pinch or retain it.” A young lady must not offer hers first, or shake that given her, unless she is the gentleman’s friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand, and in her own house she should always offer it in greeting, to strangers and friends alike. — Los Angeles Herald, 1883

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Blame it on Empress’ Etiquette

Was it a question of etiquette? Or more that the Spanish-born Empress did not want to suffer the same fate as Marie Antoinette had a century earlier? After the news of the defeat at Sedan and the capture of Napoleon III was made public, in September of 1870, Empress Eugénie did not rally the guards or people of Paris to maintain the Imperial throne due to the immediate collapse of political support and the risk of massive bloodshed. Her advisors, courtiers, and the government ministers had largely deserted her and/or urged her to flee as the city once again turned toward revolution. — Above, a painting of Empress Eugenie surrounded by her Dames du Palais, circa 1855. Her six ladies-in-waiting (later increased to twelve), or dames du palais, were mainly chosen from among her acquaintances prior to her marriage.

A Question of Etiquette?

It has repeatedly been asked as to why the empress, after the news of Sedan was made public, did not present herself to the guards and the people of Paris, and call upon them to rally around her and her son, and to maintain for the latter the imperial throne. The cause of this singular abstention has been made public. It was because no suitable riding habit could be found for her in which to show herself on horseback to the troops and the populace.

There was only one to be found at the Tuileries in the hurry and confusion of that terrible crisis. It was one made for the hunting parties at Compeigne, and was in the Louis XV style, composed of green velvet embroidered with gold, and necessitating a cocked hat for completion of the costume. It was too theatrical. It would not do, and so the gallant appeal to the public was given up, and with it the last hope for the preservation of the empire. -Paris Correspondent Philadelphia Telegraph, 1891

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington Society Attends Corean Tea

Stunning, Gilded Age private ballroom in 1890s Washington D.C.

The Corean Minister and Mrs. Ye Cha Yun gave a tea from 4 to 7 o'clock this afternoon which was largely attended by society. The parlors of the location were decorated with growing plants and smilax. Mrs. Ye received her guests in a native gown of light blue brocade with a waist of yellow, trimmed in garnet velvet. Her English is now quite perfect, and there was not the slightest hesitation in starting or sustaining conversation with the many who approached her desirous of that pleasure. 

Minister Ye remained by his wife’s side during the earlier portion of the afternoon, as the company increased he mingled with the guests, escorting friends now and then to the dining room where the receiving party, in pretty light gowns, dispensed with the refreshments.

In the first parlor Mrs. Sevellon Brown assisted in receiving. In the adjoining room Miss Thompson poured tea, and in the dining room Miss Moore served coffee frappé. Miss Cuthbert served bouillon, and Miss Beatrice Farquhar presided at a large bowl of punch. The other young ladies were Miss Riggs and Miss Thompson of Philadelphia. — New York Times, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Toasting Etiquette and Origins

“The Loyal Toast” by James Gillray, 1798 ~ A salute given to the head of state of the country in which a formal gathering is being given, whether or not the particular head of state is present. A matter of protocol at military and state occasions, and a display of patriotism when at civilian events.

“TOAST” IN A CUP…

Origin of the Use of the Word for After-Dinner Speeches

The word “toast” used for describing the proposal of a health in an after-dinner speech dates back to the medieval times, when the loving-cup was still regarded as an indispensable feature of every banquet. The cup would be filled to the brim with wine or mead, in the center of which would be placed a piece of toasted bread. After putting his lips thereto the host would pass the cup to the guest of honor, seated on his right hand, and the latter would in turn pass it on to his right-hand neighbor. In this manner the cup would circulate around the table, each one present taking a sip while drinking toward his right-hand neighbor, until finally the cup would come back to the host, who would drain what remained and swallow the piece of toast in honor of all the friends assembled at his table.

History teaches that the ancient Greeks, the the Romans, the Assyrians and the Egyptians were in the habit of drinking one another's health at dinner. Indeed, at Athens the etiquette concerning what may be described as the liquid courtesies of this kind was very strict and elaborate, being known by the name of “Philothe” participants in the repast were in the habit of drinking to one another until they could carry no more, and then they would pour out the remainder of the wine on the altar of any pagan deity that might happen to be handy. At Rome the same custom prevailed. Post-prandial oratory, however, was severely condemned as out of place, and while the Greeks contented themselves with exclaiming, as they put the cup of wine to their lips, “I salute you; be happy,” the Romans restricted themselves to the exclamation: “Propino,” which is the Latin for “I drink your health.” — San Jose Mercury News, 1989

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

History and Etiquette of Cutlery

The European rule is to keep the tines down, unless it is the only cutlery you are using, in which case you can scoop with them up. Americans are happy to scoop up at any time.

Who invented cutlery?

Forks — The word fork comes from the Latin “furca” or “pitchfork.” It consists of the prongs, which are called “tines,” and the handle, known as the “shaft.” The European rule is to keep the tines down, unless it is the only cutlery you are using, in which case you can scoop with them up. Americans are happy to scoop up at any time. The fork was invented because some things when cooked are too hot to hold. Ancient Egyptians used large forks for cooking, as did the Greeks, and there were bone forks found in Chinese burial sites from more than 4,000 years ago. Frankly, forks are now a pest in museums.

Knives — There was a time when everyone carried their own knife. It was sharp and pointed and for centuries hosts tried to stop guests picking their teeth with it after a meal. The dinner knife, a much less threatening implement with a rounded tip, is said to have been invented on May 13, 1637 by the First Minister of France, Cardinal Richelieu. You'd think he had better things to do, but apparently one night at a dinner he saw a guest picking his teeth with a sharp knife and had had enough. He ordered all his knives ground down and rounded off to stop such disgusting behaviour. In 1669 King Louis XIV made it illegal for French cutlers to forge pointed dinner knives.

Spoons — “A camel does not drink from a spoon.” ~ Persian Proverb. That is so true yet you rarely see it written down. The spoon has been around since Paleolithic times. Before some genius invented the spoon there is no doubt people used shells to scoop food if it was too hot to touch. The word spoon comes from Old Norse “sponn,” meaning “chip” or “splinter” so some probably used a bit of wood. After that you find the ancient Egyptians using spoons, the usual catalogue of Greeks and Romans, Indians and Muslims etc... Everyone thought the spoon was a cracking idea. — From “Peas and Queues: The Minefield of Modern Manners,” by Sandi Toksvig

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia