Etiquette, Table Manners and Culture

The Golden Rule... to please your neighbor brings convivium to a dinner party – Table Manners Reveal a Man’s Culture – 

Many young men find themselves ill at ease at fine restaurants or banquet dinners. They are clumsy, awkward, embarrassed. Why? Because they are not sure about what to do with this line-up of silverware and that row of glasses. The uncomfortable youth butters a slice of bread and then realizes that others are breaking off a piece at a time and buttering it individually. He blows on the soup to cool it and wonders why eyebrows raise...

The adroit and prudent young man knows how to cover for any possible shortcomings in his manners. There is, however, a particular moment when these inadequacies reveal themselves more clearly – it is the hour of meals taken in the company of others. One’s posture, gestures, manner of eating and relations maintained with others at the table are visible and sure criteria to determine a person’s degree of culture. At meals one reveals whether he is accustomed to dine politely or is ignorant of general table etiquette. Since the table is where one meets persons of the family and society, the laws of the table are important. The Golden Rule is expressed in two forms: avoid showing any discontent with what is served, and try to please one’s neighbor as much as it is fitting, without making disproportionate eulogies or lies. Superlatives, such as “This is the best roasted chicken I have ever had in my life” or other such overstatements, are cheap resources to please and shine that often produce the opposite effect. Be polite, but stay within the limits of the truth. Catholic hospitality and the sincere desire of both host and guests to please one another constitute the principal elements that inspired table customs, and even the invention of many table utensils and items. Let us enter into some details on this topic.

Being punctual Punctuality is a factor of order and harmony. Delay causes disorder in the daily schedule and work, causes inconvenience to others at the table, and disconcerts the cook. At formal dinner parties, the rule is to arrive five minutes early, so as to greet the members of the house and other guests. A delay is not justified, even by the most skillfully prepared excuse. The rule is to foresee possible problems on the road in order to be able to arrive on time. If problems are anticipated, it is better to start some time earlier. Then, if no difficulties are encountered, one can find a place to sit and read, or pass a short time until the appointed hour. Some persons wrongly imagine that to be late is a sign of one’s importance. Do not fall into this error. It is a discourtesy that only serves to disturb the dinner schedule, and will impress no one. The same rule that informs the guest to be punctual, tells the host to wait no more than 10 or 15 minutes to begin the planned meal. The host who follows good protocol will not change the sequence of courses to accommodate the late guest. It is the latecomer who must risk having his place at the table taken by another person, losing the appetizer and first course, and be the general cause of irritation to the entire party. We see that to be late does not promote anyone socially; rather it does the opposite.

At the table At the dining table, the guest will occupy the place indicated to him, and will seat himself only after the host or head of the table is seated. He will greet, if he has not already done so, the persons around him and will discreetly enter into conversation, guarding his words. Conversation at a formal dinner should be turned to cordial small talk, until a common subject of interest is found. When one is sure that his neighbor agrees with him on a particular topic, then a more open exchange of ideas may take place. The formal banquet setting can be forbidding to the guest unlearned in table manners Are discussions allowed? This depends on the group of persons invited to the dinner, as well as the nature of the party. At the family table, in a circle of close friends, or in a social club, it is normal to have exchanges of ideas and opinions, insofar as respect and amiability are maintained. At a table with unknown persons, such as at a formal banquet, such discussions should be avoided. It is also disagreeable to have to listen to others proselytizing at a meal. Avoid reports on one’s health, especially if prosaic details are involved. Should you dine with an older person suffering from well-known ailments, a short and courteous: “How is that bad ankle of yours?” or “Are you recovering well from your surgery?” suffices. The table is not the appropriate place to discuss medical problems and prescriptions. Instead of trying to dominate the conversation, a young man will listen with interest to the topic of conversation chosen by the guests of honor or the head of the table. If he has some point to raise, he should frame it as a question to the one speaking, remembering that elders like to be asked their advice or opinions. After his question is answered, he can enter easily into the conversation as an accepted party either asking another question or offering his opinion, without, however, appearing pretentious. As he follows or joins in the conversation, he will keep an eye on what is going on with his neighbors with the aim of helping them if they need something. This should be a point of special attention if his table neighbors are elderly persons or ladies. Unless he is at a restaurant or a club with close friends, he should not call a waiter from across the room. However he can take advantage of when the waiter passes to ask for the desired items.

Table Settings A disconcerting sight for the inexperienced dinner guest at a formal dinner is the array of glasses and silverware he faces at his place setting. It is not, however, as mysterious as it appears. The general rule to follow is simple: eating utensils are used from the outside in. Use a new utensil for each course (don't save your salad fork to use with the main course, for instance). When you don’t know what utensil to use, watch what your host does and follow suit. Setting for a three-course meal and dessert The silverware above is arranged for a three course meal and dessert: first, the salad course (salad fork, 4); second, the soup course (soup spoon, 7); third, the meat course (fork and knife, 5 and 6), and the dessert (dessert fork and spoon, 8). The smaller bread knife (9) is placed across the bread plate positioned to the upper left of the plate. The water goblet (1), the largest, is placed above the knives. To its right and slightly in front of it is the red wine glass (2) or the smaller white wine glass (3). In the next picture, one finds the formal banquet place setting, which is set European style, that is with the salad as the last course instead of the first. Therefore, the salad fork is next to the plate. There is a reason for this: it allows the diner to enjoy the fullest taste of the wines served with the fish and meat plates. Because the salad vinegar can affect the palate and change the taste of the wine, the salad comes after the main course instead of before it. Setting for a five-course meal and dessert This picture shows a setting for a five-course meal and dessert: the first, the shellfish plate (seafood, or oyster fork), the soup course (soup spoon), the fish course (fish fork and knife), the meat course (dinner fork and knife), the salad (salad fork), and the dessert (dessert fork and spoon). The glasses include the water glass to the extreme left, followed by the champagne glass placed a little behind the others since the champagne is served at the dessert, and then the red wine and white wine glasses, placed according to size to allow the diner easy reach. If the dinner is served by waiters, they will remove the white wine glasses with the fish plates and the red wine glasses with the meat plates, leaving only the water and the champagne glasses for the dessert. There are two acceptable ways to use a knife and fork: American style and European style. In the American style, one holds the knife in the right hand, and fork in the left. Cut a piece of meat, then place the knife on the edge of your plate (with the blade facing in), then switch your fork to your right hand to eat (unless, of course, you're left-handed). In the European style, hold the knife in your right hand, the fork in the left. You do not switch hands - you eat with your fork in your left hand. [See a video of how to eat Continental-style here] It is amazing how many youths today do not know the most elementary table etiquette: the correct way to hold the fork. The proper way is to balance the utensil between the first knuckle of the middle finger and the tip of the index finger, while using the thumb to support the handle. When you use a knife, the tip of your index finger should rest on the upper blade of the knife. Never hold the utensil in a full-fisted way. Begin eating only after everyone at the table has been served. Above, this tells the waiter you have not finished the plate Below, this signals you are finished The placement of flatware when not in use acts as a message to the well-educated host or waiter, allowing the diner to indicate whether he has paused in eating, will eat more, or has finished the plate. When a guest finishes his salad and soup, the salad fork and the soup spoon should be set across the plates. If you would like another serving of soup, place the top of your spoon (concave side down) on the edge of the plate, with its handle setting on the table. At formal dinners it is not advisable to ask for a second helping because such requests will delay the service schedule. When a guest finishes eating the fish and meat courses, he signals this by setting the fork and knife parallel to each other, either across the center of the plate or diagonally with the handles pointing to the right. The cutting edge of the knife faces the diner and the fork tines are preferably up. If the diner has not finished, he indicates this by setting the fork on the left and the knife on the right so that they cross over each other in the center of the plate. The diner preparing to pass his plate for a second helping places the fork and knife parallel to each other at the right side of the plate, so that there is room for the food. The good waiter will know how to distinguish these codes, and never ask the stupid question: “Are you still working on this?” When the guest does not know these rules, the polite waiter will approach with the tray to ask: “Will you accept a little more?” or inquire “May I take your plate?” The general rule for serving, easily memorized, is: serve left and remove from the right. That is with food. As far as beverages, you serve them from the right. At a dinner with several courses, the used plate and corresponding silverware and wine glass are removed from the right. If a guest is still enjoying the wine served with that course, the glass should be left on the table. At a formal dinner or banquet, food should be presented to guests in the following order: guest of honor, female guests, male guests, hostess, host. At restaurants, the meals are generally served first to the women, then to the men, with the older served before the younger. During the meal, it is standard practice to pass to the right. The salt and pepper should be passed together. When the meal is finished, fold your napkin neatly and set it to the right of the plate. The meal table is no place for a purse or briefcase or other personal belongings – no matter how small. Personal effects should be placed on the floor, your lap, or hung on the chair. An exception to this rule is when the lady has a very small banquet purse, which she may set on the table at her right side, next to the silverware. If you have a cell phone with you, be sure it is turned off and placed out of sight. It is a breach of consideration for others to answer your cell phone during a meal. In the event of an emergency, apologize beforehand for having to answer your phone, then leave the table and talk outside of the room.

By Marian T. Horvat, Ph.D.

From Tradition In Action 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

 

Victorian and Edwardian Etiquette for Romance, Chaperons and Engagements

Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid.

Manners and Modes: A young girl has the temerity to bring a chaperone to a dance — From “Punch” or the “London Charivari” Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 ~ Chaperons were seen less often in society after World War I

Duties of the Chaperon

The need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers. Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

Romance blooms ~ At the Fancy Dress Ball of 1893 ~ It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family...

 
It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna young woman carefully guarded in her home. It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
 
In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in society, to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance.
 
The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.
 
The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends. Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to any place of public amusement.
 

No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. 

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. (Though I imagine some parents never gave permission)

The Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a crisis, who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her.  It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,through loss of relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business calling or profession and that they are not, in general, treated with less respect than the "The Proposal."

In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.  One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to do.  No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already engaged, she should tell him so. If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
 
The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal representatives, to be acted on as they think best. The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each other's character.
 
In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself. So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his advances. The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of high ideals.
 
When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and, because it is essential for those who are to marry to become thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people, for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.

She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society.

The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband, and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty, or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
 
As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other. Their hostess will send them out to dinner together, which is in marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote himself to one.
 
The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent roughnesses smooth. An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event which they may both grace with their presence. The common human interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will try and be as little conspicuous as may be. 

Announcement of Engagement

The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the local paper or papers:
 

“Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after Easter.”

Or it may read: “Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley” etc... 

If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be "At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of the young man to meet his fiancée. The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and tea should be served.
 
If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people not to be seen very much together until its final stages. Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
 
The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The other members of the young man's family should call upon the young woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good wishes. According to the position of the family, should the elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé, for them to invite her to come and visit them. The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be very promptly returned or answered. If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the young man for a visit.

Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend.  These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
 
Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower" duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.
 
The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."
 
There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a "shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places.

It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity.

The Broken Engagement

When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief, courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him. It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the return of hers also.
 
In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken. The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to friends.  In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
 
It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation, even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement, as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
 
However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost certain outcome of which is the divorce court. A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make the acceptance of costly gifts wise.

When costliness rather than beauty, is the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.


 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Georgian Era Etiquette Guide

Balls; Where one could meet new people.

New Acquaintances –Women

New acquaintances should not be invited to entertainments unless agreeable to all concerned. An entertainment can be given to meet new acquaintances if there be some special reason for so doing. Elderly persons and professional people can send their cards to younger persons if they wish to continue acquaintance.

Newcomers – Ball Invitations

It is allowable for a new- comer wishing to give a ball to borrow the visiting list of some friend; but she should enclose in each invitation a calling card of this friend, so that the invited ones may know that the friend is acting as a sponsor.

Duty of Newcomers

No effort should be made to obtain recognition of older residents. Visits from neighbors should be returned within a week. If from any reason a newcomer is unable to call, a note stating the reason should be sent. If visit of neighbor's male relative is desired, a woman may send him a written or verbal invitation; but if visit is not desired, no notice is taken of his card, in the event of one having been left.

Residents' Duty to Men

When calling, kinswoman leaves cards of all the male members of family who are in society. If these cards left by kinswoman are not followed by an invitation to call, it is presumed that the acquaintance is not desired. Men can not call upon women of the
family of new resident, unless invited to do so by either verbal or written message.

Residents' Duty to Women

The newcomer receives the first call from the older resident, which should be made within a reasonable time. Women making the first call, leave their own card and those of the male members of the family. It is unnecessary to be introduced in the absence of letters of introduction. Visits should be of short duration.

Olives were eaten with the fingers, but they were served with ornate silver servers. 

Foods

Olives 

Olives are eaten with the fingers.

After the fork was provided for eating oranges, came the invention of "orange spoons."

ORANGES 

Oranges are served in divided sections, sweetened, and the seeds removed, should be eaten with the fork. If served whole, cut into suitable portions. Remove seed and skin.

ORGANIST AT WEDDINGS

The organist is selected by the bride, but the fee is paid by the groom.

OVERCOAT--MEN CALLING ON WOMEN

When making a formal or brief call, the overcoat should be left in the hall.

P. P. C. CARDS (VISITING).

These letters--standing for Pour prende conge (To take leave)-- are written in the lower left-hand corner of the visiting-card. These cards are used as a formal farewell to such friends and acquaintances whose friendship it is desired to continue. They may be left in person, or sent upon departure from city or winter or summer resort. They are rarely used in brief visits, and should only be used at the close of a season. Care should be exercised in sending them, as an oversight in so doing may cause the loss of good friends.

PAGES AT WEDDINGS

At the wedding, if pages are present, they are usually dressed in satin court costumes, and carry the bride's train.

PALL-BEARERS

It is not good taste to ask relatives to be pall-bearers.  The usual number is six to eight elderly men for elderly person, and of young men for a young man. Six young women in white would be a suitable number to act as pall-bearers for a young woman. Pall-bearers should be asked either by note or by a representative of the head of the family of the deceased. The pall-bearers assemble at the house at the appointed hour, and there take the carriages reserved for them. They disperse after the church service. Except in the case of young women, carriages are not sent to bring pall-bearers to the house.

CALLS

After accepting an invitation to act as a pall-bearer, a man should call at the house of the bereaved and leave his card. A few days after the funeral he should call again and leave his card. If he wishes, he may simply ask at the door after the women of the family.

DRESS

The pall-bearers wear black frock coat, trousers, and waistcoat, a black silk hat with a mourning band, black shoes, and black kid gloves. The linen should be white.

FLOWERS

Unless there has been a request not to send flowers, a pall-bearer may do so after his first call. If he wishes, a few days after the funeral he may send flowers to the women of the family with his card, on which should be written: With the compliments of -----.

INVITATIONS

The invitation should be promptly accepted or declined, and if accepted only illness or unavoidable absence from the city would excuse a man from attending.

PAPER WEDDING

The first wedding anniversary is called the paper wedding, and is not usually celebrated. If, however, it is celebrated, the invitations may bear the words: No presents received. Congratulations should be extended in accepting or declining the invitations. Any article of paper would be an appropriate gift. An entertainment should follow.

PARTIES

These are less formal than balls. They generally begin at nine or nine-thirty, with dancing at ten-thirty or eleven. The supper precedes the dancing. Those who do not take part in the dancing may leave before it begins.

INVITATIONS

These are engraved, giving hour for beginning in lower left-hand corner, and should be sent two weeks in advance. One envelope only need be used. They should be answered promptly.

With a patroness like this, who needs overbearing and bossy snobs as friends? Judi Dench as Lady Catherine De Bourgh, Patroness of Mr. Collins in Pride & Prejudice.

PATRONESSES

It is customary for the management of any institution giving a public ball to formally invite six, eight, or more married women to act as patronesses, and for their names to appear on the invitations. If badges are worn, each patroness is sent one or given one at the ball-room. The patronesses, after being welcomed at the ball by the management committees, take their places, ready to receive the guests. The Committee of Arrangements should look after the patronesses, introduce distinguished guests to them, escort them to supper and finally to their carriages.

PEACHES Peaches should be quartered and the quarters peeled, then taken up by the fingers and eaten.

PEAS 
Peas are eaten with a fork.

PLUMS AND GRAPES 
Plums and grapes should be eaten one by one, and the pits allowed to fall noiselessly into the half-closed hand and then transferred to the plate.

POSTAL CARDS

It is wise to restrict the use of postals to impersonal communications; but if they must be used, the message should be brief with an apology for its use. It is a good plan in addition to omit the usual My dear, and to sign with the initials only and the full surname.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Table Manners

Gilded Age patent and design from 1878 for an ornamental goblet cover, with a cherub poised atop, to pull back a cover revealing the area to drink from on the glass – Etiquette below is from “Decorum; A Practical Treatise on Etiquette and Dress of the Best American Society” from 1883

Table Etiquette:

Breakfast is the least ceremonious meal of the day. Where the corps of servants is large, so that the arrangements of the day are not disturbed thereby, it is customary to let the members of the family breakfast at their own proper hour. Each one comes in without ceremony whenever it pleases him or her to do so. In smaller households a good deal of inconvenience would attend such a course, and it is well to insist upon punctuality at a reasonable hour. Nevertheless, at this first meal of the day a certain amount of freedom is allowed which would be unjustifiable at any other time. The head of the house may read his morning paper and the other members of the family may look over their correspondence if they choose. And each may rise and leave the table when business or pleasure dictates, without waiting for a general signal.

The Breakfast-Table:

The breakfast-table should be simply decorated, yet it may be made extremely attractive, with its snowy cloth and napkins, its array of glass, and its ornamentation of flowers and fruit.

Queen Victoria has set the fashion of placing the whole loaf of bread upon the table with a knife by its side, leaving the bread to be cut as it is desired. However, the old style of having the bread already cut when it is placed upon the table will still recommend itself to many. In eating, bread must always be broken, never cut, and certainly not bitten.

Fruit should be served in abundance at the breakfast-table. There is an old adage which declares that "fruit is golden in the morning, silver at noon and leaden at night."

General Rules for Behavior at Table: 

Tea and coffee should never be poured into a saucer.

If a person wishes to be served with more tea or coffee, he should place his spoon in the saucer. If he has had sufficient, let it remain in the cup.

If anything unpleasant is found in the food, such as a hair in the bread or a fly in the coffee, remove it without remark. Though your own appetite be spoiled, it is well not to spoil that of others.

Never if possible, cough or sneeze at the table. If you feel the paroxysm coming on, leave the room. It may be worth while to know that a sneeze may be stifled by placing the finger firmly upon the upper lip.

Fold your napkin when you are done with it and place it in your ring, when at home. If you are visiting, leave your napkin unfolded beside your plate.

Never hold your knife and fork upright on each side of your plate while you are talking.

Do not cross your knife and fork upon your plate until you have finished.

When you send your plate to be refilled, place your knife and fork upon one side of it or put them upon your piece of bread.

Eat neither too fast nor too slow.

Never lean back in your chair nor sit too near or too far from the table.

Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may not inconvenience your neighbors. Do not find fault with the food.

The old-fashioned habit of abstaining from taking the last piece upon the plate is no longer observed. It is to be supposed that the vacancy can be supplied if necessary.

If a plate is handed you at table, keep it yourself instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is passed to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it. 

Luncheon:

Luncheon is a recognized institution in our large cities, where business forbids the heads of families returning to dinner until a late hour.

There is much less formality in the serving of lunch than of dinner. Whether it consists of one or more courses, it is all set upon the table at once. When only one or two are to lunch, the repast is ordinarily served upon a tray.

Dinner:

We have already spoken at some length of ceremonious dinners, so that all we need speak of in this place is the private family dinner. This should always be the social hour of the day. Then parents and children meet together, and the meal should be of such length as to allow of the greatest sociality. Remember the old proverb that "chatted food is half digested."

It may not be out of place to quote here an anecdote from the French, which will illustrate, in most respects, the correct etiquette of the dining-table.

The abbe Casson, a professor in the College Mazarin, and an accomplished literateur, dined one day at Versailles with the abbe de Radonvilliers, in company with several courtiers and marshals of France. After dinner, when the talk ran upon the etiquette and customs of the table, the abbe Casson boasted of his intimate acquaintance with the best dining out usages of society.

The abbe Delille listened to his account of his own good manners for a while, but then interrupted him and offered to wager that at the dinner just served he had committed numberless errors or improprieties.

"How is it possible!" demanded the abbe. "I did exactly like the rest of the company."

"Nonsense!" exclaimed the other. "You did a hundred things which no one else did. First, when you sat down at the table, what did you do with your napkin?"

"My napkin? Why, just what everybody else did: I unfolded it and fastened it to my buttonhole."

"Ah, my dear friend," said Delille, "you were the only one of the party who did that. No one hangs his napkin up in that style. They content themselves with placing it across their knees. And what did you do when you were served to soup?"

"Like the others, surely. I took my spoon in my right hand and my fork in the left—"

"Your fork! Who ever saw any one eat bread out of a soup-plate with a fork before? After your soup what did you eat?"

"A fresh egg."

"And what did you do with the shell? "Handed it to the servant." "Without breaking it?"

"Yes, without breaking it up, of course." "Ah, my dear abbe, nobody ever eats an egg with out breaking the shell afterward," exclaimed Abbe Delille. "And after your egg?"

"I asked the abbe Radonvilliers to send me a piece of the hen near him."

"Bless my soul! A piece of the hen. One should never speak of hens out of the hennery. You should have asked for a piece of fowl or chicken. But you say nothing about your manner of asking for wine."

"Like the others, I asked for claret and champagne."

"Let me inform you that one should always ask for claret wine and champagne wine. But how did you eat your bread?"

"Surely I did that properly. I cut it with my knife into small mouthfuls and ate it with my fingers."

"Bread should never be cut, but always broken with the fingers. But the coffee—how did you manage that?"

"It was rather too hot, so I poured a little of it into my saucer and drank it."

"Well, then, you committed the greatest error. You should never pour either coffee or tea into your saucer, but always let it cool and drink it from the cup."

It is unnecessary to say that the abbe was deeply mortified at his evident ignorance of the usages of polite society.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Washington Societal Etiquette

Circa 1860 illustration of White House (south face) with its first greenhouse 

Washingtonian Social Etiquette

The wife of the chief-justice, and not the wife of the President, is the first lady in the land, and takes precedence of all others. She holds receptions and receives calls, but she alone is excluded from all duty of returning calls.

The life of a lady in society at Washington is exceedingly onerous, and more especially so if she be the wife of any official.

Next in rank comes the wife of the President.

Social Duties Of The President

It is made the duty of the President to give several state dinners and official receptions during each session of Congress. Besides these, there are the general receptions, at which time the White House is open to the public and every citizen of the United States has a recognized right to pay his respects to the President.

Presidential Receptions

On the days of the regular " levees" the doors of the White House are thrown open, and the world is indiscriminately invited to enter them.

No “court”-dress is required to make one presentable at this republican court, but every one dresses according to his or her own means, taste or fancy. The fashionable carriage- or walking-dress is seen side by side with the uncouth homespun and homemade of the backwoodsman and his wife.

Neither are there any forms and ceremonies to be complied with in gaining admittance to the presidential presence. You enter, an official announces you, and you proceed directly to the President and his lady and pay your respects. They exchange a few words with you, and then you pass on, to make room for the throng that is pressing behind you. You loiter about the rooms for a short time, chatting with acquaintances or watching the shifting panorama of faces, and then you go quietly out, and the levee is ended for you.

Private Call Upon The President

If any one wishes to make a private call upon the President, he will find it necessary to secure the company and influence of some official or special friend of the President. Otherwise, though he will be readily admitted to the White House, he will probably fail in obtaining a personal interview.

Mrs. John Jay, "the First First Lady" ~ John Jay was a New York politician who would become the first chief justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, a two-term governor of New York, and an influential diplomat abroad.  As the job of President is a temporary position, "the wife of the chief-justice, and not the wife of the President, is the first lady in the land, and takes precedence of all others."

Social Duties Of Cabinet Officers And Their Families

The ladies of the family of a Cabinet officer must hold receptions every Wednesday during the season from two or three o'clock to half-past five. On these occasions the houses must be open to all who choose to call. Refreshments and an extra number of servants are provided. The refreshments for these receptions may be plain, consisting of chocolate, tea, cakes, etc.

Every one who has called and left a card at a Wednesday reception is entitled to two acknowledgments of the call. The first must be a returning of the call by the ladies of the family, who at the same time leave the official card of the minister. The second acknowledgment of the call is an invitation to an evening reception.

The visiting-list of the family of a Cabinet minister cannot contain less than two or three thousand names.

Cabinet officers are also expected to entertain at dinners Senators, Representatives, justices of the Supreme Court, the diplomatic corps, and many other public officers, with the ladies of their families.

The season proper for receptions is from the first of January to the beginning of Lent. The season for dinners lasts until the adjournment of Congress.

The President is not expected to offer refreshments to the crowds who attend his receptions. The Vice-president and Speaker of the House are also freed from the expense of feeding the hungry public.

Social Duties Of Congressmen And Their Families

It is optional with Senators and Representatives, as with all officers except the President and members of the Cabinet, whether they shall “entertain.”

There is a vast expense in all this, but that is not all. The labor and fatigue which society imposes upon the ladies of the family of a Cabinet officer are fairly appalling. To stand for hours during receptions at her own house, to stand at a series of entertainments at the houses of others whose invitations courtesy requires should be accepted, and to return in person all the calls made upon her, are a few of the duties of the wife of a high official. It is doubtful if her husband, with the cares of state, leads so really laborious a life.

In Washington society one end of a card turned down denotes a call in person.

From “The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette, A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society” by E. B. Duffey ~ 1877

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Calling Cards and Visiting

A rare, Unger brothers sterling silver, Art Nouveau period calling card tray

VISITING CARDS

HUSBAND AND WIFE. When the wife is calling, 

she can leave cards of the husband and sons if it is impossible for them to do so themselves. 

After an entertainment, cards of the family 

can be left for the host and hostess by either 

the wife or any of the daughters. 

(See Also MR. AND MRS. CARD)

LEAVING IN PERSON. When cards with a message of congratulation are left in person, 

nothing should be written on it.

LEAVING IN PERSON--AFTERNOON TEAS. 

Women leave cards of their male relatives as well as their own, although their names may be announced upon entering the drawing-room.

Guests leave their cards in a receptacle provided, or give them to the servant at the door. 

MEN. A bachelor should not use AT HOME 

cards as a woman does, nor to invite his 

friends, by writing a date and MUSIC AT FOUR 

on his calling card in place of an invitation.

MEN--LEAVING IN PERSON. When returning to town after a long absence, a man should leave cards having his address. When calling upon a young woman whose hostess is not known by the man, he should send his card to her. 

At the beginning of a season, a man should 

leave two cards for all those whose entertainments he is in the habit of attending, or on whom he pays social calls. 

These cards may also be mailed. If left in person, there should be one for each member of the family called upon, or only two cards. In the former there should be left one card for the host, one for the hostess, one for the "misses," and one for the rest of the family and their guest. 

Men of leisure should leave their own cards, while business men can have them left by the women of the family. The corner of the card should not be turned down. 

Cards are now left in the hall by the servant 

and the caller is announced. In business calls the card is taken to the person for whom the caller asked.

What if this card had P.C.C. written at the bottom? “There has been a difference of opinion, too, on the use of capital letters for P. P. C. on visiting-cards, and R . S. V. P. on cards of invitation. Since the time of the Romans large letters have been used for abbreviations, but America now uses small letters, an innovation distasteful to European eyes.” From “All the Year Round” by Charles Dickens, 1882 – P.C.C. stood for the French, ‘Pour Prende Conge’ or ‘To Take Leave’ but many Americans used it for ‘Presents Parting Compliments’

When calling, a man should leave a card 

whether the hostess is at home or not. P. P. C. card's may be left in person or sent by mail upon departure from city, or on leaving winter or summer resort. When a man calls upon a young woman whom a hostess is entertaining, he should leave cards for both. When a man calls upon another man, if he is not at home, he should leave a card.

When a man calls on the hostess but not the host he should leave a card for him. If the hostess is out, he should leave two cards--one for each. 

BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, DINNERS. A man 

should leave a card the day after a breakfast, 

luncheon, or dinner for the host and hostess, 

whether the invitation was accepted or not. 

They may also be sent by mail or messenger, 

with an apology for so doing. 

BALLS, SUBSCRIPTION. Shortly after receiving 

an invitation to a subscription ball, a man 

should leave a card for the patroness inviting 

him. 

DEBUTANTE. When calling upon a debutante a man should leave cards for her mother, whether the entertainment was attended or not.

Gilded Age advertisement for calling cards 

ENTERTAINMENT BY MEN. After a man's formal entertainment for men, a man should leave a card within one week, whether the event was attended or not. It can be sent by mail or messenger. 

RECEPTION. When the host and hostess receive 

together, a man should leave one card for both, and if not present at the reception, he should send two cards. 

THEATRE. After a theatre party given by a man, he should call within three days on the woman he escorted or leave his card. 

WEDDING RECEPTION. After a wedding reception a man should leave a card for the host and hostess, and another for the bridal 

couple. If a man has been invited to the church 

but not to the wedding reception, he should 

leave a card for the bride's parents and the

bridal couple, or should mail a card.

Lovely Gilded Age calling card tray with a bird motif 

SENDING BY MAIL, OR MESSENGER. After an 

entertainment a man should call in person on 

host and hostess, whether the invitation was 

accepted or not. If a card is mailed or sent, it should be accompanied with an apology. 

At the beginning of the season a man should leave cards for all those whose entertainments he is in the habit of attending, or on whom he pays social calls. These cards may also be mailed. If left in person, there should be one for each member of the household or only two cards. In the former case, there should be left one card for the host, one for the hostess, one for the "misses," and one for the rest of the family and the guest. 

If a man is unable to make a formal call upon a debutante and her mother at her debut, he should send his card by mail or messenger. A man may mail his card to a woman engaged to be married, if acquaintance warrants. 

Visitors to town should send cards to every one whom they desire to see. The address should be written on them.

“Ohio Card Company” samples 

AFTERNOON TEA. If a man is unable to be 

present at an afternoon tea, he should send a 

card the same afternoon. 

BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, DINNERS. A man 

should leave a card the day after a breakfast, 

luncheon, or dinner for the host and hostess, 

whether the invitation was accepted or not. 

They may be sent by mail or messenger with 

an apology for so doing. – The Book of Manners

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Etiquipedia