Gilded Age Handshake Etiquette

Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in hand-shaking. Etiquette allows considerable latitude. It is proper and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when introduced. A lady does not usually shake hands with a new acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her responsible for showing special cordiality, as when a person is introduced to her in her own house

The offer of the social right hand of fellowship is a tacit recognition of equality. Hand-shaking is said to be an American habit. Certainly the social conditions in a republic are favorable to such a custom. It is a pity that a mode so adapted to express the warmth and loyalty of friendship should be indiscriminately employed in casual greetings. The pressure of the hand should mean more than it can mean, when, as now, it is bestowed with equal alacrity on life-long friend and recent acquaintance.

Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in hand-shaking. Etiquette allows considerable latitude. It is proper and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when introduced. A lady does not usually shake hands with a new acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her responsible for showing special cordiality, as when a person is introduced to her in her own house. A host and hostess shake hands with a guest; they may omit to shake hands with the same person when they meet him elsewhere.

Whatever one’s personal impulse, it is polite to defer to the evident preference of another; and to shake hands heartily if a hand is cordially extended, or to refrain from proffering the hand when reserve is evident in the manner of the other person.— By Agnes Morton, 1899

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Tourist Etiquette

“… the tourist in a foreign land should be specially careful not to outrage the manners and customs of the country in which he finds himself, nor to flaunt his views and objections in the face of every stranger he meets.”

Above all others, the tourist in a foreign land should be specially careful not to outrage the manners and customs of the country in which he finds himself, nor to flaunt his views and objections in the face of every stranger he meets. Toleration is a sure sign of education and good breeding. 

As a rule, mankind have a tendency to be less cautious about their behavior when in foreign lands than when at home, perhaps because they are under the impression that, as they are among strangers, they may safely relax their good manners. 

Such people should remember that they are, for the time being, representatives of the country to which they belong, and that, in a sense, the reputation of their fellow countrymen is entrusted to their care. Besides, the true gentleman is a gentleman under all circumstances.— From “Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture,” 1890

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Advice on Keeping Napkins in Laps

Keeping napkins on laps, with women in voluminous, satin gown skirts, was made much more difficult than one can imagine, due to the fact that women had to also keep their gloves, fans, and reticules in their laps underneath the napkins. 

In 1860, “The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness,” by Florence Hartley, Mrs. Hartley recommends one bring a pincushion to a dinner party for use with the napkin:

“Sit gracefully at the table; neither so close as to make your movements awkward, nor so far away as to drag your food over your dress before it reaches your mouth. It is well to carry in your pocket a small pincushion, and, having unfolded your napkin, to pin it at the belt. You may do this quietly, without its being perceived, and you will thus really save your dress.

If the napkin is merely laid open upon your lap, it will be very apt to slip down, if your dress is of silk or satin, and you risk the chance of appearing again in the drawing-room with the front of your dress soiled or greased."– Florence Hartley, “The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness,” 1860

 

🍽️ Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Parody of Manners

Sir John Betjeman, British Politician and Statesman(1958)

✍🏻 ✍🏻 ✍🏻 ✍🏻 ✍🏻

“This delicious mockery of the nouveau-riche British middle-class is spot on. Betjeman has, it seems, made a note of all the pretentious vocabulary he has ever heard used by the likes of Mrs Bucket (pronounced ‘Bouquet’ by its owner, of course) and put them into the mouth of a (presumably) female narrator. Many of these solecisms were, of course, noted by Nancy Mitford in her ‘U and Non-U’. If you’re wondering how the lady of the house betrays herself… ‘phone’ instead of ‘telephone’, ‘cook’ instead of the person’s name, ‘serviettes’ instead of ‘napkins’, ‘toilet’ instead of ‘lavatory’ or ‘loo’, ‘lounge’ instead of ‘drawing-room’, and so forth.” – Quoting from a 2013 blog post by actor, award-winning broadcaster, writer and classical music critic, Jeremy Nicholas

How To Get On In Society 

by John Betjeman 

Phone for the fish knives, Norman
As cook is a little unnerved;
You kiddies have crumpled the serviettes
And I must have things daintily served.

Are the requisites all in the toilet?
The frills round the cutlets can wait
Till the girl has replenished the cruets
And switched on the logs in the grate.

It's ever so close in the lounge dear,
But the vestibule's comfy for tea
And Howard is riding on horseback
So do come and take some with me

Now here is a fork for your pastries
And do use the couch for your feet;
I know that I wanted to ask you-
Is trifle sufficient for sweet?

Milk and then just as it comes dear?
I'm afraid the preserve's full of stones;
Beg pardon, I'm soiling the doileys
With afternoon tea-cakes and scones.

This poem was brought to us by Author Amy Willcock. Amy was the Best in Show Winner for the Etiquette Community in our 2nd Annual Etiquipedia Place Setting Competition. She is most well known for her books on AGA Stove cooking. Her books, "The Aga Bible," "Aga Cooking," "Aga Seasons," "Amy Willcock's Aga Baking," "Amy Willcock's Aga Know-How,"" At Home with Amy Willcock," and "B&B Know-How” are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Respect for Religion and Old Age

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Some young people seem to imagine that they are living in the age of Voltaire, and make a merit of skeptical and even atheistical opinions. They laugh at the sacred character of the ministry, and deride what is venerable and sacred. This class is as deserving of contempt, as it is avoided in truly good society. Impiety is no longer fashionable as it was in the days when an atheistical philosopher thought to make laws for the world, and construe liberty into license to outrage every pious instinct.

A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted “free thinkers” are men of pure lives and noble instincts?

Another sin is its want of respect for women and for persons of advanced years. A man of religious feeling holds himself bound to those duties, in respect to old age, that were observed in ancient times. But the young men of whom we have been speaking make a parade of rudeness in the presence of an old man; they pay him no more respect than if he were an unfledged youth of eighteen like themselves; they smoke cigars under his nose; scarcely deign to acknowledge him in the street; and never are willing to remember that their father is or was an old man, and that they will themselves grow old. Such respect neither their parents nor themselves. Diogenes declared himself to be a dog that he might have a right to indulge his cynical disposition. So are these flippant theologians who have sunk to the same level.

One word as to the influence of religion upon the character of the young girl. A religious course of training can alone impart to the feminine character that spirit of yielding gentleness which, in domestic, as in public life, is the basis of politeness. Deprived of these qualities, a woman would be unamiable in the family circle, as well as in the world, where, in spite of her efforts to appear pleasing, her bad education would inevitably display itself. Young ladies of this class, if they do not go the length of impertinence, have a dissatisfied air, and indulge in the habit of criticising every thing with severity. 

If married, they quickly banish peace from the conjugal roof, by their exactions and ill-humor. They are not willing to make a single sacrifice for their husband's happiness; quarrels and oppositions please them, and the gentlest yoke becomes a heavy chain. The husband thus situated may consider himself happy, if his wife will condescend to occupy herself at all with domestic affairs, and things so common as the concerns of the family. 

An irreligious woman is as much to be abhorred as a drunken woman: she is no longer fit to lead in society and to give tone to its morals; she is not fit to be a mother; for her children will surely be reckless and godless; she is not a grace, but a blot on her sex, disliked even by men who profess to no religious conviction.—  From Beadle’s “Dime Book of Practical Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen,” 1859

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Kiwano Melons

Left, a Kiwano Melon. 

Below– A Holmes and Edward’s Melon Spoon and an advertisement for the utensil.

  

Antique melon spoons are ideal for eating small melons, like kiwano or pepino melons, while long, antique melon forks are ideal for eating slices of cantaloupe and watermelon. 

If you don’t have antique melon spoons for smaller melons, here is how to eat ripe kiwano melons when they’re ready to be sliced open and enjoyed:

A fully ripened kiwano has an orange rind with prominent spikes. Pick one that is firm with just a bit of give, but without any visible bruises or damaged spikes.

To eat plain, cut the fruit in half. Gently squeeze one half until the seeds pop out. The seeds aren’t harmful to eat (and actually contain the antioxidant vitamin E), but many people prefer to hold the seeds between their teeth while they enjoy the green flesh

If that doesn’t sound appealing, you can also simply scoop out the inner fruit and toss it in fruit salads or use as a colorful garnish.

Feeling truly brave? Slice off the spikes on the rind and enjoy whole! — Parade, June 2022

🍽️ Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette from the 15th C. On

Jacopo del Sellaio, an Italian painter of the fifteenth century, depicts King Ahasuerus at a table set up on a dais with a heavy sideboard in the background. The diners, wearing elaborate hats, sit in the courtyard and are approached by groups who wish to speak with the King.

In Europe, in the late fifteenth century, there was a definite rule that it was wrong to grab food with two hands and that meat should be taken with three fingers and not too much put in the mouth at the same time. There was, however, a common joke in the early sixteenth century that three fingers in the salt could be taken as the sign of a villain- for salt, owing to its preciousness, was to be taken from the cellar with a knife. It was also not considered good manners to lick greasy fingers or rub them on a jacket instead of using a piece of bread or a napkin.

Americans born in the elite circle in the seventeenth century had the charming custom of wearing elaborate and highly fashionable hats to dinner, a custom dating from fourteenth-century Europe and shown in the photo above. Hats were removed only when a toast was given; to be uncovered at meals was, until the eighteenth century, not etiquette.

In the mid-eighteenth century, however, the eating habits of the lower classes in many countries, including America, were still on a rather primitive level. Farmers and their families stood around the table while they served themselves with a wooden spoon from a large wooden bowl. They took their meat in their fingers and put it on a piece of bread that was used as a trencher, then ate it sitting or standing anywhere in the room. Fingers and knives were the tools, and forks were by no means commonplace. According to Helen Sprackling's book Customs on the Table Top, an Englishwoman traveling in America in 1827 wrote to her sister that “Americans, male and female, were invariable and indefatigable eaters with their knives.”

Still, some distinctions were made by those who cared to do things properly, as noted in The School of Good Manners, by Eleazar Moody: “Bite not thy bread, but break it; but not with slovenly fingers nor the same wherewith thou takest up thy meat. Dip not thy knife upright in thy hand, but sloping and lay it down at thy right hand, with the blade upon the plate.”— Patricia Easterbrook Roberts

🍽️ Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Cheese Course Etiquette

Antique flatware and serving ware for cheeses and butter, including a large Stilton scoop with a “French ivory” handle – The technical reason for not cutting off the nose or as the French call it, the point of the Brie or any soft cheese in a wheel shape, is so that every part of the cheese can be savoured. With a wedge piece cut from the centre of the cheese one can taste the squidgy soft centre, the firmer “shoulder” and the soft rind. But the real reason is so that other guests may also enjoy the soft squidgy centre too, not just one person who by hogging the nose behaves with selfish disregard for the other guests.

The great debate of when to serve cheese baffles many a hostess. Before pudding or after? The French do it before the British tend to do it after. Now a days it is quite usual to see cheese and pudding on the table at the same time. If the side plate and knife are cleared after the main course and the cutlery at the top of the place setting also has a knife you can use this for cheese along with a clean plate and a finger bowl, which should be brought to the table for those who want cheese and dessert (dessert being fruit and sweetmeats) apart from grand dinners*, I think most people today leave the side plates and knives and use them for cheese. * Grand dinners don’t tend to have a cheese course – they might have a savoury.

One never knows just how much notice our children take of what we say until the situation arises. I well remember my eldest daughter, who would have been around 9 or 10, reprimanding her Granny who knew only too well NOT to cut the “nose” or “point” of the Brie off! (It is also my experience that the better bred the person the less likely they are to stick to convention; the rules surely don’t apply to them!) Of course, Granny just continued eating and smiling and a litany of why and how from my daughter followed once Granny had gone.

The technical reason for not cutting off the nose or as the French call it, the point of the Brie or any soft cheese in a wheel shape, is so that every part of the cheese can be savoured. With a wedge piece cut from the centre of the cheese one can taste the squidgy soft centre, the firmer “shoulder” and the soft rind. But the real reason is so that other guests may also enjoy the soft squidgy centre too, not just one person who by hogging the nose behaves with selfish disregard for the other guests. Rant over!

Building a cheese board to compliment the menu is a matter of personal taste and I would suggest you speak with your cheese monger who will be able to guide you. I tend to serve Brie, a mature cheddar, a local cheese, and a blue cheese with crisp Bath Oliver biscuits. Butter is another trap waiting for the unsuspecting hostess – it would be very welcome but may be frowned upon by some. I serve celery in a celery vase. Tip: always peel the bottom of the celery, no one likes the tough stringy bits and leave the leaves intact. 

Dates or figs in season, walnuts and quince cheese are popular additions. If I serve grapes, I put them in a grape basket and always lay the grape shears alongside – silver grape shears or scissors are fun to collect and if you are stuck at what to get for Christmas keep a keen eye out, you can never have too many. I have a mahogany cheese coaster that I confess I use for fruit and flowers as a truckle of Stilton would run to the maggoty stage at any other time of year other than Christmas when we do have a small truckle. 

Beautiful Stilton scoops can also be collected and should be used with a truckle of Stilton. Please don’t pour Port into the Stilton. If you do serve Port the etiquette is for the decanter to be placed in front of the host then the host serves the man (or woman) on his right, serves himself then passes it to his left. Port always moves to the left. If the Port gets “stuck” it is the host’s job to ask the person closest to the decanter if he knows the Bishop of Norwich? Which is code for pass the port!– From The Cheese Course, by Amy Willcock copyright 2023 reproduced with permission only

Author Amy Willcock is our newest contributor. Amy was the Best in Show Winner for the Etiquette Community in our 2nd Annual Etiquipedia Place Setting Competition. She is most well known for her books on AGA Stove cooking. Her books, "The Aga Bible," "Aga Cooking," "Aga Seasons," "Amy Willcock's Aga Baking," "Amy Willcock's Aga Know-How,"" At Home with Amy Willcock," and "B&B Know-How” are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia