Gilded Age Luncheon Table Etiquette

In the gilded age of 1892, no tablecloth of color for luncheon would do. – “First sugar-coat the luncheon pill by daintily setting forth the table. Do not make the mistake of thinking that anything will do for this meal, and do not eat over a colored cloth that, under any and all conditions is an utterly detestable invention. Let the table, therefore, be graced by a fair linen cloth, tenderly coaxed into a satin shimmer by the laundress; and when it is taken off, be sure and fold it just as she did, in order to preserve its freshness.” 

A Table so Daintily Prepared as to Tempt the Appetite

“LUNCHEON is my housekeeping bugbear! Breakfast and dinner are easy enough, but luncheon is a crazy-quilt kind of a meal, ‘a thing of shreds and patches.’” Thus wailed a young house keeper recently; and it is often so, although there is really no excuse for such a state of affairs. Luncheon, coming at midday, should be toothsome and dainty as possible to tempt the appetite, which at that hour, in warm weather, at all events, is not inclined to be robust, so it often takes offense at a trifle and departs bodily. “But we must use the odds and ends and left-overs some way,” says Madam Economy, with a pucker on her forehead.

“You are right, my dear madam; but let your genius so enwrap these made-over things that the victims shall never discover their identity. Then say grace with unction, fervor, and a quiet conscience, and you will see the victims fall to with a will, and devour the bits that, unadorned, are not, like beauty, adorned the most. When, if you had set them on cold, or Laodicean in spirit and temperature, twenty minutes later they might have been gracing the garbage barrel.

First sugar-coat the luncheon pill by daintily setting forth the table. Do not make the mistake of thinking that anything will do for this meal, and do not eat over a colored cloth that, under any and all conditions is an utterly detestable invention. Let the table, therefore, be graced by a fair linen cloth, tenderly coaxed into a satin shimmer by the laundress; and when it is taken off, be sure and fold it just as she did, in order to preserve its freshness.

The table must be padded first, of course, and if one can not afford the cotton felting that comes for this purpose, use a thin quilt, or a well-washed blanket, but let it soften the asperities of the wood, whatever it is. Or, where one has a highly polished table, and plenty of drawn-work squares, put one of these in the center of the table, and small ones under each plate, thus partially exposing the table top.

Put on the pretty dishes next, and put them on artistically. The maid, if her soul is dead within her to a sense of artistic arrangement— and it probably is—will, if intrusted with this duty, indulge in a species of curved pitch on the dishes, that might answer admirably for baseball, but most illy for the desired effect of deluding the victims aforesaid. Always, if possible, add a flower or two in a pretty vase, somewhere on the table, then straighten things up, and see that everything, including your own countenance, shines, before the victims come in.– Good Housekeeping Magazine, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age History of Valentine’s Day

Valentine was a priest in the days of the Emperor Claudius. He was a good, kind priest, and treated the common people with much consideration. Above all, he was gentle to them when they came to him about matters of the heart, and more than once he brought together couples estranged by a harsh word. In this way, Valentine came to be greatly loved… when the anniversary of his birth came around, they met secretly and gave each other little gifts. They called them “Valentines,” and the young women, in token of love for him and each other, took the garters off their knees and exchanged them, garter for garter. After ten years they canonized Valentine and placed his name along with those of the saints. And ever after that, when the day came around, they called it Saint Valentine's day.

Do you know who Saint Valentine was, and how his name came to be perpetuated through the ages? Or did you not know that there was a Saint Valentine at all? And did you suppose that a Valentine of commerce was only a sporadic growth, ready to die when custom had tired of it. Valentines originated with the saint after which they were named. They began nearly 1800 years ago, when Saint Valentine was alive, and have continued ever since, taking different forms in the different ages.

Valentine was a priest in the days of the Emperor Claudius. He was a good, kind priest, and treated the common people with much consideration. Above all, he was gentle to them when they came to him about matters of the heart, and more than once he brought together couples estranged by a harsh word. In this way, Valentine came to be greatly loved.

In those days the Emperor was lord of all, and little did he like it when others became favorites of the people. Consequently Claudius, when he saw Valentine walk through the streets with a crowd of people following and praising him, became very jealous, and sent word to the priest that he must leave the city of Rome.

But Valentine had no intention of going. He meant to stay and work there as long as the Lord spared him, and when he prayed nightly to his God in the heavens he prayed for the people who suffered so much from the oppression of the Emperor. And so the popularity of Valentine grew.

When Claudius saw that his command had no effect except to make the people like the priest the more, he determined to do away with him. He ordered him to be put to death, and one fine day, when the people arose and sought for him, he was gone. He had been beheaded by order of the Emperor.

Then the people were very sad. “He is gone, but we can observe his birthday,” they said. And so when the anniversary of his birth came around, they met secretly and gave each other little gifts. They called them “Valentines,” and the young women, in token of love for him and each other, took the garters off their knees and exchanged them, garter for garter. After ten years they canonized Valentine and placed his name along with those of the saints. And ever after that, when the day came around, they called it Saint Valentine's day.

Now, during his lifetime Saint Valentine had been very happy in love affairs, and had always assisted those who were in love troubles. Consequently the young men grieved for him as much as the young women, and when Valentine’s day came around they sent their sweet hearts little gifts, behaving with as much freedom as the strict customs of those days allowed.

From that time on the custom of observing Saint Valentine's day has grown, and now this gift day is almost a holiday. It is celebrated in the social world by gatherings and in the trade world by a great variety of pretty tokens, offered for personal gifts. And so Saint Valentine is not forgotten, though so many hundred years have passed since then.

It would be impossible to tell how the custom of honoring Saint Valentine will change in the next hundred years. Today you see the shops decked out with pretty tokens, satin trifles and all sorts of sweet-smelling gifts. There are verse books written also for the day, and the windows are filled with trifles, costly and otherwise.

The etiquette of a Saint Valentine gift has changed somewhat in the last 1000 years. At the beginning of the ninth century a Valentine was a proposal of marriage, and consisted of a herd of cattle for the very wealthy swain and a slain sheep for the poor one. Lovers in the warm countries sent gifts of wine, and in the Orient they sent perfumes, for there is no country to which the fame of Saint Valentine has not traveled.

The most popular gift today is a figure picture. There is no handsomer token that a box upon which a pretty girl stands, with arms outstretched, juggling hearts and money bags. In looking upon her Valentine gifts, the maiden of Valentine’s day, 1898, can not do better than pick a moral from the fame of Saint Valentine. He chose love as his theme, and lives forever in the heart, while unworthy Croesus and his wealthy Roman associates, who looked upon gold, not wisely but too greedily, are held afar off as objects of scorn. —Harry Germaine, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Flirts vs Honorable Men

Depiction of a Gilded Age, “lounge lizard” or “slick, dandified cake eater” flirting with two young women.— If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to see and feel that he pleases you. But you do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too obtrusive manifestation of preference are not agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be manly, so should a woman be womanly in her love.” —Samuel R. Wells, 1887

“Women reach maturity earlier than men, and may marry earlier—say (as an average age), at twenty. The injunction, ‘Know thyself,’ applies with as much emphasis to a woman as to a man. Her perceptions are keener than ours, and her sensibilities finer, and she may trust more to instinct, but she should add to these natural qualifications a thorough knowledge of her own physical and mental constitution, and of whatever relates to the requirements of her destiny as wife and mother. The importance of sound health and a perfect development, can not be overrated. Without these you are NEVER fit to marry.

“Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman—be careful, as you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a mistake in this matter—you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways, your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and deferential attentions which love always prompts. ‘Let the heart speak.’ The heart you address will understand its language. Be earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all others. 

Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality. Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys. Though women do not ‘propose’ —that is, as a general rule—they ‘make love’ to the men, none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to see and feel that he pleases you. But you do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too obtrusive manifestation of preference are not agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be manly, so should a woman be womanly in her love.” From “How to Behave,” by Samuel R. Wells, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Madame Chic on Table Manners

It's much more fun to lead by example. When toddler my tries to eat her spaghetti with her hands, I pick up my fork and say, “We eat with our forks.” This works so much better than “Don't eat with your hands,” which is a negative command and doesn't provide an alternative.

One of the ways to make your weeknight dinner a formal affair is to observe proper table manners. Pretend you are dining at the Four Seasons and not in your kitchen on a hot summer day. How would you act? How would you expect your family to act? Keep this secret for now. Sit up straight with good posture, eating slowly and enjoying your food. Say please and thank you. After a while your family will just be attracted to the way you eat. If they tend to slump over their food and eat without looking up, rather than asking them not to, just be the change you want to see in them.

It's much more fun to lead by example. When toddler my tries to eat her spaghetti with her hands, I pick up my fork and say, “We eat with our forks.” This works so much better than “Don't eat with your hands,” which is a negative command and doesn't provide an alternative. Also, I try to say it in a lighthearted way. I try to make it intriguing. What is all this about eating with a fork? I want her to think. When she wipes her mouth on her sleeve, I say, "We use our napkins to wipe our mouths," and then I demonstrate. Using positive statements really works well with kids. They won't get it right away, but eventually they will, and there won't be any negative connotations associated with the family meal.

Dinnertime, this marvelous grand finale to your day, is about connection. It is about ritual. It is about tradition. Dinner is about so much more than food. It is a great opportunity to bond with your family and create lasting memories.

Chic Reminders

• Clear the table of any non-dinner-related material. You don't want to dine with any bills, toys, pens, or pencils.

• Set the table as simply or as elaborately as you wish. You can choose to use place mats or tablecloths, candles or a simple arrangement of flowers. You might not have any centerpiece at all. The most important thing is that the table is cleared for the meal. Have the children help you set the table. My older daughter loves to do this. She calls it "decorating" the table, even though she's simply laying down the knives and forks. I like her thinking! It is decorating the table. And doing so, even on a busy weeknight, is treating dinnertime with the respect it deserves.

• Present your food thoughtfully. Even if you are having pizza and carrots, plate it nicely. We often eat what is normally thought of as casual food (our beloved tacos, for example) but it doesn't mean they have to be eaten with sloppy presentation. We will eat them on our nice plates. I'll arrange the tacos (three for my husband, two for me) and decorate them with their toppings so that they look enticing.

• Lead by example and use positive statements to get your family to observe polite table manners. Think of it as a challenge.

• If you want to take your time while eating, do so! Don't let anyone rush you. Enjoy yourself. You worked hard for this.

 

When she arrived at Madame Chic’s Parisian apartment as a foreign exchange student, Jennifer Scott was a casual California girl who thought sweatpants were appropriate street attire. Madame Chic took Jennifer under her wing and tutored her in the secrets of how the French elevate the little things in life to the art of living. Years later, Jennifer was back in California with a husband, two young daughters, a dog, and her first home. Every day she confronted mundane duties like folding laundry and unloading the dishwasher, and she began to think about Madame Chic’s home—how the breakfast table was set beautifully the night before, the music that always played in the background, the calm of Madame and Monsieur Chic’s ritual cocktail hour together. Jennifer wanted that life. She decided to see what would happen if she didn’t perform her chores impatiently or mindlessly, if, instead, she could live like Madame Chic… This is just one of the books from her marvelous series.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Deference to Others

At the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small. Lynn Truss compiled a list of those due.

It is very bad news for our society that overt disrespect is such a big game these days, because it just stirs people up without enlightening them. Mass entertainment that demeans public figures satisfies popular base instincts but leaves nobody better off. Besides, at the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down.

The “end of deference” is about a lot more than the flattening of class distinctions, in any case. This where the baby has been so thoughtlessly poured down the drain with the bath water. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small.

Here are twenty (mostly lapsed) reasons to show special politeness to other people that have nothing to do with class.

1. they are older

2. they know more than you do

3. they know less than you do

4. they got here first

5. they have educational qualifications in the subject under discussion

6. you are in their house

7. they once helped you financially

8. they have been good to you all your life

9. they are less fortunate than you

10. they have achieved status in the wider world

11. you are serving them in a shop

12. they are in the right

13. they are your boss

14. they work for you

15. they are a policeman / teacher / doctor / judge

16. they are in need

17. they are doing you a favour

18. they paid for the tickets

19. you phoned them, not the other way round

20. they have a menial job

The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things, as we have already seen, but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way “deference” has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative "respect" has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds. 

The dictionary definition of “in deference to” is: “out of respect for; in consideration of”. To show deference does not mean “I hereby declare I am inferior to you.” But that's what people seem to think it means, so they refuse to defer to anybody, on any grounds at all. The same misunderstanding prevents people from apologising. They think that if they say “Sorry”, it means “I am 100 per cent to blame. And now that I've admitted it, you can sue the pants off me.”

From Lynn Truss’ “Talk to the Hand: # ?*!, The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Cancel Culture and Rudeness

This was only written in 1991, but do some of Margaret Visser’s final words from the post script in her marvelous book, “The Rituals of Dinner,” still ring true? With the current climate of “cancel culture” and the rudeness often seen in the gleeful joy of “taking someone down,” due to what is most often differences in opinion, Etiquipedia is, sadly, not so sure…
 🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹
 “One of the guiding principles of modernity is mobility — the opportunity to move up the social scale, as well as to flee from any social “scene” we find uncomfortable and unaccepting... We have greatly reduced the likelihood that anyone need play a predetermined role on a ‘stage’ dominated from the start by people born to power... None of us need tolerate surveillance and adverse judgements from people who have set themselves up as arbiters of elegance. We can move away if they disapprove or try to put us down.”

How Rude Are We? 

Are we ruder than other societies are? Are we ruder than we were in the past? There is increasing concern for manners in the modern West: newspaper articles protest about the lack of them; the number of books telling people how to behave and their enormous sales attest to an anxiety on this score which rivals that experienced in the nineteenth century; and a new and expanding business is the etiquette industry, where people formally, and for a fee, teach protocol and the arts of the dinner table to ambitious business men and women. It is realized, in the commercial world at least, that bad manners might actually spoil a corporate image, hamper a deal, impede mobility; good manners might make a competitive difference. Since bad manners can be corrected, the demeanour of the staff is one of the things a careful company can try to polish and control.

The idea is to pinpoint trouble spots, moments where even we, with our insistence on informality, set up specific expectations which could trip up the unwary or the simply ignorant. We must know, for example, that at a formal meal served by waiters, serving dishes are likely to appear, silently and without warning, from the left; the serving spoon and fork must be used in a correct and unobtrusive manner to remove a portion of the food presented (do not take too long choosing your portion!); when eating is done, plates will be removed from the right. Most people are right-handed, and this rule is for their convenience. 

If plates should be presented already loaded with food, however, they are set down from the diner's right, and taken away from the left. The need to be prepared for such moments is heightened because formal meals are unusual, and important for reasons that go beyond eating for nourishment; and because etiquette involving the presence of servants is not everyday experience. We do eat out at restaurants, however, where practice in old-fashioned formality is available to us, as is the surveillance of our manners by people outside our families.

One of the guiding principles of modernity is mobility— the opportunity to move up the social scale, as well as to flee from any social “scene” we find uncomfortable and unaccepting. Physical movement facilitates social mobility; it is possible to live in an inexpensive neighbourhood, for instance, and still drive to a job in a smart area of the city. We have greatly reduced the likelihood that anyone need play a predetermined role on a “stage” dominated from the start by people born to power. Modern cities set out to offer many alternatives-a choice of “stages” upon one of which a person may hope someday to shine, and plenty of escape routes from unwanted constraints. None of us need tolerate surveillance and adverse judgements from people who have set themselves up as arbiters of elegance. We can move away if they disapprove or try to put us down. — Margaret Visser, 1991

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Setting the Perfect Table of 1941

TABLE SERVICE

Table linen is the first thing to consider in setting the table and of course should be well laundered. Doilies are quite appropriate to use for informal luncheons and dinners and may be of either linen or lace. Colored linens are used only for luncheon or breakfast. For the more formal service the table may be completely covered with a linen or banquet cloth or an elaborate lace cloth, which should be placed on a bare polished table and not over colored cloth.

The napkins should match the linen in color, if not in material. Breakfast and luncheon napkins may be small, but dinner napkins should be properly from 18 to 20 inches square. They are usually placed to the left of the silver or may be put on the service plate; however, unless the table is crowded, the former is preferred. Napkins may be folded in a triangle for lunch or breakfast but for a dinner are usually folded very simply. If folded in rectangular shape, they are placed with the open lower corner nearest the plate to facilitate handling. Never stand a napkin up on the table.

Tea napkins are from six to nine inches square and are passed with the tea plate or cup and saucer. Cocktail napkins are either six inches square or rectangular in shape and are passed when a cocktail is served away from the table. Table decorations should be kept simple. A centerpiece is al ways appropriate; however, it should be kept low, not obstructing the view across the table. For special occasions, other types of decorations may be used, such as an attractive arrangement of fruit or vegetables. Crepe paper centerpieces are never in good taste unless the party is for children or when the occasion is extremely informal.

Candles have no place on the luncheon or tea table unless they are lighted and the room darkened by drawing the shades. Candles lend an air of friendliness and cheeriness to any room and should be placed at an attractive distance from the centerpiece to give balance to the table. 

SILVERWARE

Silverware, whether of plate or sterling, should be kept well polished and courses should not be included in the menu if the proper silver to accompany them is not available. However, through popular usage, a spoon may easily be substituted for a cocktail fork, unless serving fish. The dinner, luncheon or salad fork may be served with the dessert course, if necessary. For informal entertaining at home, not more than four to six pieces of silver (not counting the oyster fork) should be laid on the table at one time. These generally consist of knife, fork, salad fork and spoon. If necessary, additional pieces may he placed on the table before the course is served. For example the silver for the dessert may he brought in on the plate or laid on the table before it is served. The bread and butter spreader may be laid on the bread and butter plate and the cocktail fork or spoon may be on the plate on which the cocktail is placed.

The general rule for the position of flat silver on the table is one inch from the edge and vertical to the edge of the table. placing it in correct sequence as used, beginning from the outside and working toward the plate, The knives are laid cutting edge toward the plate next and to the right of the plate. The spoons are placed next the knife, bowls up and parallel with the knife. If soup is to be served, the bouillon, cream soun the large soup spoon is placed on the outside, next the teaspoon. Forks are placed on the left of the plate, tines up. If the salad is served Western style (before the main course), the dinner fork is placed next the plate and then the salad fork. If the salad is to be served with the main course or after the main course, the salad fork is put next the plate.

The butter spreader may be placed in a variety of ways, one l being to lay it on the top or right side of the bread and but ter plate with the blade toward the center of the plate. The cocktail fork or spoon is placed on the cocktail plate, parallel to the other silver on the table. The water glass or goblet is placed above the tip of the dinner knife. If other glasses are used, they are placed to the right of the water glass or in a line slanting from the goblet to the right. Bread and butter plates are placed above the tines of the forks, on a line with the water glasses.

Salt and pepper containers may be placed at either end of the table within easy reach of the guests; if individual salts are used, they may be placed for each cover or between every two covers. The cream and sugar may be put on the table; the letter is always filled with lump sugar if to be used for a hot beverage. If coffee is to be served only with, or after the dessert course, the cups and saucers and creamers and sugar bowl are brought on with the course they are to accompany.

Service plates are of a large size and are placed at least one inch from the edge of the table at each cover, directly opposite the ones across the table, if set for an even number. These remain on the table for the opening course, whether it is cocktail, soup or salad course served separately before the main course. Place cards are best placed above the plate and usually used at a more formal affair as a matter of convenience in seating the guests.

Chairs are set just far enough away from the table so the line of the table cloth is not broken. For the buffet service of dinner, luncheon or supper, the guests help themselves and the silver, china and glasswar needed are put on the table. The silver may be arranged on the table near the plates that it is to accompany. – Shinsekai asahi shinbun [New World Sun], 1, January 1941

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Outdoor Entertainments

The refreshments for a picnic consist chiefly of cold dishes such as meats, boned turkey, game, patés, sandwiches, salads, cakes, jellies, pies, punch, lemonade, claret and champagne.

Modes and Manners for Sports, Hunt Breakfasts and Picnics

Now that the fashionable world is, so to speak, out of town, hunting, tennis and other outdoor sports are in order. According to manners, the etiquette, when taking part in hunting, shooting, fishing, etc..., is quickly learned by those interested in them. 

For instance, any man chosen to to master of the hounds would be one who had such experience in the hunting field that the duties attending his new position would be easily understood by him. It is customary in sections of the country where hounds meet for any of the residents interested in the sport to give a “hunt” or “meet” breakfast during the season to the master of the hounds and to all comers.  

This breakfast ought to be an informal affair, the food being much the same as would be offered at any ordinary morning entertainment. Tennis clubs and athletic associations, each and all, usually have clearly defined rules, which ought to be carefully read and followed by everybody desirous of connection with them. 

When one person gives a picnic, that one person, of course, provides everything, the mode of conveyance, the refreshments, entertainment, etc... Where several persons, however, join in issuing the invitations to a picnic, the labor and expense should be equally divided.  

The refreshments for a picnic consist chiefly of cold dishes such as meats, boned turkey, game, patés, sandwiches, salads, cakes, jellies, pies, punch, lemonade, claret and champagne. A picnic generally lasts from noon until twilight, and the best season of the year is when it is most pleasant to be out of doors.  

Dancing is the chief amusement after eating, and a wooden platform is erected for the purpose nowadays. Dancing on the green sounds poetical, but modern picnickers do not take to it kindly. —Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia