Polishing French Politesse

The last 3 days, the French have been reading up a storm on Etiquipedia, so I wanted to send out a special note of thanks to our French readers, and those readers from all of the other countries, who peruse our articles daily. Below are our “audience stats” for the past 7 days. These are the top 10 countries for the week. France has been #1 three days in a row. Without people from all parts of the world reading Etiquipedia, the work I put into this site would not nearly give me such pleasure. Thanks to all of our readers and to all of our contributors! 

Country and Pageviews 

______________________ 

France 1673 

United States 1655 

United Kingdom 266 

Canada 118 

Australia 89 

Italy 71 

Philippines 60 

India 55 

Netherlands 48 

Indonesia 28 

PARIS - Chic French diners eat asparagus with their fingers and sorbet with their forks.

The words “Bon appétit” should never be uttered at the start of a meal.

The polite passenger always says, “Bonjour” to the driver upon entering the bus.

And, bien sûr, the dinner guest must not leave the table in midmeal to use the powder room, and should she have to go, never, ever use the word “toilette” when asking a host for directions.

Mastering the rules of good manners never has been easy, even for the French.

Despite a centuries-old obsession with behaving well, the French are constantly relearning how to do it, and the last few years have witnessed both the degradation of civility and manners and a revival of interest in them.

On one level disrespect for authority is on the rise. Cars are burned and garbage is thrown out of windows in the troubled gritty suburbs. Verbal and physical attacks against teachers in schools are more widespread than they were a few years ago. Commuters are hit, seats are slashed, graffiti is written on Paris Métro cars.

But on another level is a desire to retain, encourage and even venerate what the French call “politesse.” “It sounds bizarre, but with more and more acts of incivility, people are tolerating them much less,” said Frédéric Rouvillois, the author of “Histoire de la Politesse,” a scholarly tome that traces the history of good manners in France over the last three centuries. “There’s more awareness that courtesy and savoir-faire are useful and necessary tools in society.”

As part of the consciousness-raising, private sessions on proper table settings and dining habits are offered to Parisian ladies of leisure. The Paris transit authority is in the midst of a campaign of respect to improve the quality of travel for its passengers. Humorous posters hung last fall prodded travelers to muzzle their pets; use trash cans for their garbage; speak softly on their cellphones; avoid whacking their neighbors with their backpacks; and, of course, say hello and goodbye to conductors and ticket vendors.

In 2005, in response to complaints about interaction between patients and staff, the Hospital Federation of France began its first national advertising drive for politeness in public hospitals and nursing homes, with a list of rules for how to behave and the motto “Stay polite!”

The Ministry of Education has made good citizenship part of the national curriculum in high schools. The Ministry of Transportation designates an annual “day of steering wheel courtesy” to encourage polite behavior on the road.

“In a society more and more brutal, with deafening vulgarity, it is with delight that we are rediscovering the discreet charm of courtesy,” wrote Point de Vue, a weekly magazine that focuses on old families and the remnants of royalty, in an article some months ago on the return of good manners.

In the perfect French world, rules govern even the most mundane subjects: how to answer the telephone, how to greet a guest at the door, how to address a stranger, what to take to a dinner party, how to behave on the Métro.

“It’s like a sport, you have to train hard,” said Marie de Tilly, a rail-thin expert on manners, who teaches a two-hour course in Paris to women who pay $90 to attend. “But once you train and know the rules, it all comes naturally.” All can be lost in that first moment of acquaintance, Ms. de Tilly told a group of French and American women during a session last month in a hotel room adorned in brocade and silk.

“In the first 20 seconds, others will judge your look, in the second 20 seconds your behavior and the third 20 seconds your first words,” she said. “There is a code. If you don’t follow it properly, it will be very, very hard to make a comeback.”

France has had an uneven history of manners. With the French Revolution, the republican passion for equality trumped the rules of gentility, which glorified hierarchy and differences of class and gender. Men had to be called “Citoyen” (Citizen) rather than “Monsieur.” The use of the familiar “tu” form of “you” replaced the formal “vous.”

The rise of the bourgeoisie in the 19th century swept in a new era of politeness, which declined during and after World War I. The brutality of the war made the rules of gentility seem meaningless. Another low point came with the May 1968 rebellion, which swept in an ideology that challenged all forms of authority.

Certainly, polls show an increase of interest in manners. Ninety-five percent of the French believe that being polite is an asset, according to an Ipsos poll last March. A poll in 2003 indicated that 70 percent of French parents place great importance on manners, compared with 53 percent in 1991 and 21 percent in 1981.
Some rituals of politesse die hard. Dueling may have been banned decades ago, but hand kissing has survived. The master has to be President Jacques Chirac.

Mr. Chirac clearly knows how to do it: he raises the woman’s hand to chest level and bends over to meet it halfway. Sometimes, as when he visited Chancellor Angela Merkel in Berlin last March, he cradles the hand in both of his.

“The French president,” a writer in the Swiss daily Le Matin commented last September after Mr. Chirac kissed Ms. Merkel’s hand once again, “can no longer meet a woman, either a star, a head of state, a first lady or a minister, without doing it.”

The practice, however, the writer added, “has nothing to do with protocol.” – From Elaine Sciolino’s 2007 New York Times article

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Society’s Exquisites”

Going to parties hours after the time named— is only indulged in by those who disregard all considerations  except mistaken ideas of what constitutes “fashion;” but this notion is held by so many, that it has become, as the correspondent says, “an evil almost intolerable by those that give parties.” 

Of Interest to Polite Society

A correspondent of the Buffalo Commercial Advertiser calls that paper’s attention to etiquette at parties

He thinks that something ought to be said to correct the false notion that it is polite to go to a party after 10 o’clock, even when invited for 7 o’clock. He mentions an instance of the inconveniences that arise from which occurred at an elegant party given by a prominent Buffalo citizen the other evening. Specified in the cards of invitation for the party to assemble, was 7 o’clock. The more substantial and considerate portion of the guests paid some attention to the time fixed, and arrive there shortly after the hour designated. Others came two hours after, and some of the “extra exquisite” ones did not arrive until than three hours after they were to be present. 

Our correspondent gives the names of some of our most prominent citizens, who in the spirit of true politeness, arrived a very short time after the hour named by their hosts. He truly asks that when the hour is fixed in the invitation, it is to be presumed that it expresses the wish of the giver of the party, und it is etiquette, therefore, for the invited party to pay some attention to that wish, they propone to avail themselves of the hospitality. The contrary practice— that of going to parties hours after the time named— is only indulged in by those who disregard all considerations  except mistaken ideas of what constitutes “fashion;” but this notion is held by so many, that it has become, as the correspondent says, “an evil almost intolerable by those that give parties.” – “Ladies’ Gossip” in the Daly Alta, 1867

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Emperor’s Audience Etiquette

“The Chamberlain tells him when to advance and when to retreat, and the Emperor is so gracious that, expecting to be frightened out of his senses, he is most happy to find that good manners are the same everywhere, in palace and in cottage, with the prince and the peasant.” – French Hussars in Napoleonic Uniforms, from Pinterest

The Emperor holds what is called an “audience” every Sunday morning, when he is in Paris. This is a fashion of receiving which was abolished by the Revolution and restored by Napoleon I. In 1830 it again fell, and was re-established in 1852 by Napoleon III. With the “audience” fell and rose the offices of Chamberlains — persons especially charged with all that concerns the interior household of the Sovereign. There are eleven Chamberlains, and seventeen who have the titles and honors without performing any particular duty. In the olden times, it was the first officers with this title who handed to the King the first article of toilet on rising in the morning, as it was the first Lady of Honor who performed the same service for the Queen, and we presume this is one of the fashions which does not change!

In order to obtain an audience it is necessary first to obtain permission by letter. When one possesses the proper credentials, he appears at the door of the Palace of the Tuileries, and hands his letter to a hussar, who is clothed in black, with a silver chain around his neck. When he has examined it and is satisfied that it is authentic, he ushers the bearer into a grand hall, in the center of which is a miniature column, in bronze, of the one which towers upon the Place Vendôme. Here they wait a little, and are then introduced into the reception room, where they are received by the Chamberlains, clothed in red, with gold keys embroidered upon their breasts. If there are many persons, they are placed in a row to wait till the Emperor enters, preceded by hussars and followed by his État Major. 

He passes along the line, bowing to each, till he arrives at the head, when he stops and converses with the person, who has some favor to ask or someone to propose, and is so situated that no other one present can hear what is said, though not far off. He wears on these occasions, the military costume of General of Division, with the grand cross of the Legion of Honor, and is said to listen very patiently to all who come, and to promise uniformly to think of them afterwards. The costume of gentlemen who seek this favor must be invariably in black, with white cravat and white gloves. The Chamberlain tells him when to advance and when to retreat, and the Emperor is so gracious that, expecting to be frightened out of his senses, he is most happy to find that good manners are the same everywhere, in palace and in cottage, with the prince and the peasant. – Letter from Paris, 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Evolving Royal Courts

But everyone knew the family patriarch was a hostler! – Joachim-Napoléon Murat was a Marshal of France and Admiral of France under the reign of Napoleon. He was also the 1st Prince Murat, Grand Duke of Berg from 1806 to 1808, and King of Naples from 1808 to 1815. Murat was Napoleon’s brother-in-law (through marriage to his younger sister, Caroline Bonaparte). He was noted as a daring, brave, and charismatic cavalry officer as well as a flamboyant dresser, for which he was known as “the Dandy King.”

Of Other Matters, Other Courts and That of France

The King of Portugal has gone home enlightened and follows the example of Italy and Belgium. He has removed tbe trammels from the press, and proposed a system of public instruction by which education may be universally diffused. In Sweden, the uniform worn upon state occasions is red. The other day a Minister attended some important ceremony in an ordinary suit of black, saying to the King, “As the nobility have been deprived of their last privileges it is not worth while to appear in court dress.” “NO,” replied the King, “it is of no consequence whatever, and if you choose to come in white it is all the same to me.” In Sweden and Denmark the pomp and parade of State ceremonies are not considered of much more importance than in republican Switzerland. In Italy and Belgium it is nearly the same. 

The Emperor of France is very rigid about some points of etiquette, but his regime is by no means so formidable as that of Louis XIV ; but there are a few in France and every country of Europe whose ancestors fluttered at the court of this haughty Monarch, who regret more than anything else the hauteur and exclusiveness which they believe his lineal descendants would have retained in the circles of the Tuileries. At a mask ball, not long ago, the famous Marquis de Boissy wore a coat in which his grandfather had appeared at the Court of Louis XV. The Prince Murat remarked to him that it was very funny at the present day. The Marquis replied that if all who were there had worn the coats of their grandfathers, some would nave been more funny than his. The grandfather of the Prince, as every one knows, was a hostler. – Letter from Paris, 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Masks Double Standards

The same ladies have announced a ball, and twenty ladies of the beau mondé have asked permission to attend, so masked as not to be recognized, as they have an insatiable curiosity to see how such an affair is conducted by those who are not trammeled by the ordinary rules of etiquette and pay no attention to respectability. Some of the journals are much shocked that ladies of the “best society” should so demean themselves... Why should it be so very proper for men of the “best society,” and so improper for women?

Fancy Doings

The ladies of the demi mondé gave a supper a few evenings since, or rather invited all the world to a supper, but when the hour arrived for champagne and oysters, these and all other viands were lacking. The restaurants which were to furnish the repast, assert that there was some flaw in the contract, and the ladies accuse them of non-fulfillment. So they have appealed to the law, and a son of Baron Rothschild is to make his maiden speech on the occasion, not on behalf of the ladies, but in behalf of the supper defaulters. 

The same ladies have announced a ball, and twenty ladies of the beau mondé have asked permission to attend, so masked as not to be recognized, as they have an insatiable curiosity to see how such an affair is conducted by those who are not trammeled by the ordinary rules of etiquette and pay no attention to respectability. Some of the journals are much shocked that ladies of the “best society” should so demean themselves, while others think it is very well for them to go where they will be sure to meet their husbands, brothers and cousins, who are not thought by the world to be doing anything criminal, to support one of these pariahs, besides supporting their wives and daughters. Why should it be so very proper for men of the “best society,” and so improper for women? – Letter from Paris, 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Garden Party Etiquette

 

Garden parties have been held at Buckingham Palace since the 1860s, when Queen Victoria instituted what were known as ‘breakfasts.’  More like late lunches in the afternoon, the number of garden parties held at Buckingham Palace was increased from two to three a year, in the 1950s.

Garden parties are among the most relaxed and informal Royal events one can attend. With tea, cakes, good weather and a beautiful garden to stroll in, the day can seem quite festive without going over the top.

Every summer, the Queen hosts a garden party at the Palace of Holyroodhouse, in Edinburgh. Three or more garden parties are hosted by her at Buckingham Palace, as well. Over 30,000 people usually attend these parties.

Originally taking the place of presentation parties attended by debutantes, the garden parties now are attended by people from all walks of life, having evolved into a unique way of recognizing and rewarding those who are involved in public service.  
Guests need to dress up for their special day, and etiquette dictates what attendees can wear. Women are to wear a proper afternoon dress, with hats, or "fascinators". 

Gentlemen are to wear "morning dress" or "lounge suits". "National dress" and uniform are also appropriately worn to these garden parties, however military uniforms are only allowed to be worn by active members of armed forces and those members do need permission from a commanding officer to wear them to such an event.

 

The traditional full morning dress, aka "top hat and tails," is a morning coat, waistcoat, pants and a top hat. This look evolved after the French Revolution in the late 18th Century, when men looked for a dignified way of dressing that was not reminiscent of any aristocracy. Masculine, and with no embellishment, it soon caught on in popularity.

According to fashion historians, full morning dress is "a standard black morning coat matched with cashmere striped trousers and dove grey single or double breasted waistcoat. The neck wear is in grey or silver tones."

In contrast, a "lounge suit" is garments made from the same cloth, consisting of at least a jacket and trousers but can include a waistcoat and can be worn with a tie. Since the 1960s, fashion designers have tried to revolutionize the man's suit with more vibrant colors and innovative ways of cutting the suit's jacket and pants, but subtlety in color and cut works best at these garden parties. Etiquette also dictates that is it not fashionable for men to wear their wives fascinators in public, as shown in a photo experiment from an Australian Garden Party, even you think they look fetching!

The detailed description of a Royal Garden Party below, is from the official website of the British Monarchy- 

Garden Parties take place between 4.00 pm and 6.00 pm, although the Palace gates are open from about 3.00 pm. The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh, accompanied by other members of the Royal Family, enter the garden at 4.00 pm, when the National Anthem is played by one of the two military bands playing selections of music during the afternoon.

After the playing of the National Anthem, The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh, together with other members of the Royal Family, circulate among the guests through 'lanes' which are peculiar to Royal garden parties. Each takes a different route and random presentations are made so that everyone has an equal chance of speaking to Her Majesty and members of her family. The Queen and other members of the Royal Family eventually arrive at the Royal tea tent, where they meet further guests.

In both London and Edinburgh there are tea tents for other guests. Tea and other refreshments are served from long buffet tables. The quantities served are enormous. At a typical garden party, around 27,000 cups of tea, 20,000 sandwiches and 20,000 slices of cake are consumed. Some 400 waiting staff are involved in the serving. 

At about 6.00 pm, The Queen and other members of the Royal Family leave the garden, when the National Anthem is played to mark the end of the party. 

At Buckingham Palace the Yeoman of the Guard, Gentlemen at Arms and Gentlemen Ushers are on duty. At the Holyroodhouse garden party the Royal Company of Archers and the High Constables of the Palace are on duty.


The Queen and Duke arriving at a Palace Garden Party

This blog post was first posted on Etiquette with Maura Graber in 2012

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Offending Royal Medical Etiquette

“The King recently heard of her power and during his visit to Chatsworth summoned her to soothe the pain in his injured foot, which the surgeons have had in hand since his accident while shooting a couple of months ago.”

American Woman Makes Strange Cures in London – Impresses His Majesty While Offending Medical Etiquette

Her Hands Said to Be Charged With Something That Is Akin to Radium

LONDON, Feb. 3.—A well-known American woman here, whose husband managed to go through all his money and hers, suddenly discovered that she possesses remarkable healing powers and has been turning her gift to account. If she continues to succeed as she has done in the last few weeks, she will soon find herself rich again, for society patients pour in upon her. The King recently heard of her power and during his visit to Chatsworth summoned her to soothe the pain in his injured foot, which the surgeons have had in hand since his accident while shooting a couple of months ago. 

It was the Duchess of Devonshire who told his Majesty of the woman's powers, her Grace herself having made a wonderful “cure” from neuritis through the healer's machinations. A short time ago, the friends of the Duchess had an idea that her days were numbered, owing to an acute attack of that painful disease. One fine morning, however, to the amazement of every one, it was discovered that she was well. The doctors were staggered and regarded the transformation as a mystery. The patient, being a wise woman of her generation, kept the secret of her “cure,” knowing full well what a deadly thing it is to offend medical etiquette, and one of her physicians was in the King's household.

A great scientist who has examined the hands of the healer says they are charged with something akin to radium, so much so that if one of the palms is placed too long upon a patient's skin it singes it slightly. She is regarded as a phenomenon and is arousing immense interest in medical and scientific circles, but as she has been a well-known society woman she is endeavoring to keep her name a secret. – San Francisco Call, 1904 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Jilting Prince Charles

Olga Nikolaevna Romanova as a young royal teen. – During her short lifetime, Olga’s marriage prospects were the subject of great speculation within Russia. Matches were rumored with many royals from other countries, but Olga herself wanted to eventually marry a Russian and remain in her home country. During World War I, Olga nursed wounded soldiers in a military hospital and oversaw administrative duties at the hospital. Olga's murder following the Russian Revolution of 1917, resulted in her canonization as a passion bearer by the Russian Orthodox Church. Her remains, along with those of the rest of her Russian royal family members, were identified through DNA testing and were buried during a funeral ceremony in 1998 at Peter and Paul Cathedral in St. Petersburg.

Grand Duchess Jilts Prince

ST. PETERSBURG, April 25. Grand Duchess Olga, first and perhaps best beloved of the Czar’s daughters, has broken her engagement to marry Prince Charles, son of the Crown Prince of Roumania, who in the nature of events, will sit on the Roumanian throne. The young couple—she is 18, he 20—were affianced, its these despatches told first and exclusively. But at the last moment when the date of the wedding had been actually fixed, the Grand Duchess threw herself at her father's feet and implored him not to render her life miserable, not to compel her to marry a man whom she does not love; whom she never can love, and protested. The Czar, tenderest, most affectionate of fathers, embraced his daughter, dried her tears and assured her she shall not marry Prince Charles, who, after all, is a handsome and engaging young fellow. So his Majesty explained to the Roumanian Crown Prince and Princess that he must consider his daughter's feelings and respect her wishes above all else. 

Prince Charles took the North Express for Berlin that very night. Such marriages, of course, are made in the chancellories, but the young Prince thought he had found favor in the lady’s eyes. Her “I will not,” or, rather, her father’s “she shall not,” provoked many other unhappy consequences. The Empress had set her heart upon the match, used all her influence with her daughter to consent to the betrothal which actually was made. The Roumanian Crown Prince and Princess and Prince Charles became the Czar’s guests at the palace at Tsarkoe-Selo. There a state luncheon was given to which the Imperial family was bidden and even the members of the Roumanian legation, that they might be presented to their future Queen. The Duchess of Coburg, Prince Carol’s grandmother, was so overjoyed by the engagement that she sent to Court Jeweler Bolin here, two splendid gems of rare beauty; a huge ruby and an emerald. Wedding presents from her father, the late Emperor Alexander II, to be reset, to offer them to the Grand Duchess Olga. The jeweler had submitted to the Duchess several drawings, out of which she selected two. Then Olga’s tears prevailed on her father. Some dreadful scenes, scoldings, reproaches followed between the Empress and the young Grand Duchess. It is safe to say the Czar did not escape, for his august spouse has a temper of her own when her nerves are stretched. 

The Crown Prince of Roumania and his consort left Tsarskoe-Selo abruptly for St. Petersburg, three days ahead of the original program of their visit. The Crown Prince took leave of the Emperor at a parade here, but the Crown Princess did not go to the palace to bid farewell to the Empress, which all the members of the Imperial family did before her departure for the Crimea. The Empress, on her side, did not return the Crown Princess’ visit whilst the latter was in town, a visit which etiquette demanded; and the Emperor appeared quite embarrassed at the parade when parting from his Roumanian guests. The Crown Princely pair soon left for Bucharest. The Emperor and Empress, with their children, went to the Crimea by special train a few days ago; it was noticed that the Grand Duchess Olga looked extremely pale and worried. The Dowager Duchess of Coburg, half sad–half angry, has left St. Petersburg and this may not be all —a girl’s tears may cause political complications. Everyone in Court circles is whispering: “If not Prince Charles, who has won the Grand Duchess Olga’s maiden heart?” – Morning Press, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia