Wise Words; Lillian Eichler's "Book of Etiquette"

“The power of manners is incessant -- an element as unconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius.” From “Emerson's Essays”

From “BOOK OF ETIQUETTE” by Lillian Eichler, 1921

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "there were no ladies present."  General Grant, who was acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are gentlemen" --and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.

What is a gentleman?  The question is an old one.  It cannot be ancestry, for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman.  It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the name of gentleman.

No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or wealth--something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these. Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true etiquette can mean:

Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you passed."

The word "etiquette" itself does not mean very much. It comes from the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the pride and inspiration of refined living.

“Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. 'Poor little fellow,' he said, 'aren't you cold standing here?' The boy looked up with a smile and said, 'I was, sir--before you passed.'” Henry Ward Beecher was a prominent Congregationalist clergyman, abolitionist, social reformer and speaker in mid-late 19th century.

LAWS OF SOCIETY

Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness.  Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.

There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness --which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that this social happiness can ever be attained.

In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and isperfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater -- every day people are reading the story of our characters and ideals.

Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance, in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most brilliant minds.

“Black and White Beaux” depiction,  NYC 1832

Etiquette is an art -- the art of doing and saying the correct thing at the correct time -- the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand, no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.

CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES

He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties.

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquility that the French admiringly call "sang froid." He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar.  It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears.  All noise is waste.  The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low.  The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette -- breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.

REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS

William DeWitt Hyde was an American college president. He graduated from Harvard University in 1879 and Andover Theological Seminary in 1882.  He wrote the book “Practical Ethics”

William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says, "Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the feelings of anybody else.  The sincere desire to bring the greatest pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards making our manners more polite and courteous."

The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be--as a fellow-being he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks of a fine character.

THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE

There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored, respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The gentleman, the lady treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals, that fully deserves the name of gentleman.

The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story of our actual worth:

An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home. The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them.

This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit, was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him, who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line waiting.

The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of others. It is the little kindnesses that count -- and the instinctive recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M. Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE

Miss Una Ware looks agreeable, but Mrs. Gorham Ware does not look agreeable when meeting Mr. Bessemer Steele

Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech.

The answer is: to make one's own life happier -- to bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness and vulgarity.

For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition, complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own life -- his ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless life -- an outcast from that better society of which we all long to be a part.

Greer Garson always at her best, when in roles looking cultured and cheerful

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise -a wholesome, happy, undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it because it already exists in his mind.

And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring agreeableness of mind and spirit -- the world will have none of him.

The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a friend.

But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite.

THE SIMPLEST CULTURE

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly exists within us.

Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable, we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind.

There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget.

She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her scowling face and angry eyes.

Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently--a little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not hesitate to show it.

"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably.

Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled instead of frowned," she answered.

The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better and finer woman.

The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman who had known years of education and worldliness.

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly exists within us. — Lillian Eichler, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Bows, Kissing and Handshaking for Ladies and Gentlemen

Salutations

Greetings and salutations are always nicer when flowers are added.

From 1877

A lady of rank, speaking of salutations, makes the following remarks: "It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. 

Let us take, for example, the words 'sir' and 'madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally meaning high-born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank.

To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, a historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand 'somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady—a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine; and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette.

Salutations Of Different Nations

Saying hello with your noses when in Saudi Arabia

A curtsy to the royals

Jacques Chirac clasping and kissing the hand of Laura Bush

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you perspire?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows low and inquires, "Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, "God be with you, sir," or, "How do you stand?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow in holiness." The German asks, "Wie gehts ?"—How goes it with you? The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires, "How do you carry yourself?"

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural prejudices against publicity in kissing.

In England and America there are three modes of salutation—the bow, the handshake and the kiss.

The Bow

Customary greeting by bowing in Japan

Kowtow, which comes from kòu tóu in Mandarin Chinese, is an act of deep respect shown by kneeling & bowing so low as to have one's head touching the ground.

The bow is the proper mode of salutation to exchange between acquaintances in public, and, in certain circumstances, in private. The bow should never be a mere nod. A gentleman should raise his hat completely from his head and slightly incline the whole body. Ladies should recognize their gentleman friends with a bow or graceful inclination. It is their place to bow first, although among intimate acquaintances the recognition may be simultaneous.

A young lady should show the same deference to an elderly lady, or one occupying a higher social position, that a gentleman does to a lady.

A well-bred man always removes his cigar from his lips whenever he bows to a lady.

A slight acquaintance should always receive the courtesy of a bow; and it is absurd that you should refuse to recognize a person in the street because you may happen to have a trifling difference with him.

Words Of Salutation

Meeting and greeting others; Martin Luther King, Jr. looks on as Coretta Scott King meets New York City Mayor Robert Wagner

The most common forms of salutation are—"How d'ye do?" "How are you?" "Good-morning," and "Good-evening." The two latter forms seem the most appropriate, as it is most absurd to ask after a person's health and not stop to receive the answer. A respectful bow should always accompany the words of salutation.

Shaking Hands

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden, upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.

Etiquette Of Handshaking

Theodore Roosevelt meets a Native-American gent

Says an authority upon this subject: "The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so seated." 

On introduction in a room a married lady generally offers her hand; a young lady, not in a ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. 

It may perhaps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, 'I want you to know my friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Jones your hand, and warmly then, too. 

Lastly, it is the privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his forward first."

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such. A lady who has only two fingers to give in handshaking had better keep them to herself; and a gentleman who rudely presses the hand offered him in salutation, or too violently shakes it, ought never to have an opportunity to repeat his offence.

In shaking hands the right hand should always be offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it impossible, and then an excuse should be offered. The French give the left hand, as nearest the heart.

Strict etiquette requires that a gentleman should remove his glove previous to shaking hands, but common sense and the example of many well-bred people sanction its retention upon the hand if there is any difficulty or inconvenience in removing it.

The mistress of a household should offer her hand to every guest.

The Kiss

Kissing can be memorable when one adds the element of surprise!

The most familiar and affectionate form of salutation is the kiss. It need scarcely be said that this is only proper on special occasions and between special parties.

The Kiss Of Respect

Some cultures kiss upon greeting and it is good manners to follow accepted protocol when world leaders meet.

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am «sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The Kiss Of Friendship

Friendship

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. As a general rule, this act of affection is excluded from public eyes in this country—in the case of parents and children unnecessarily so; for there is no more pleasing and touching sight than to see a young man kiss his mother, or a young woman her father, upon meeting or parting.

Women Kissing In Public

Custom seems to give a kind of sanction to women kissing each other in public; but there is, nevertheless, a touch of vulgarity about it, and a lady of really delicate perceptions will avoid it. I think every effort should be made to bring the practice into disuse.

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The "Lover's Kiss"

The Lover's Kiss

Not to be paraded in public!

It is hardly necessary to say that the lovers' kiss is never paraded in public. —From Eliza B. Duffey, 1877

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Table Manners and Culture

The Golden Rule... to please your neighbor brings convivium to a dinner party – Table Manners Reveal a Man’s Culture – 

Many young men find themselves ill at ease at fine restaurants or banquet dinners. They are clumsy, awkward, embarrassed. Why? Because they are not sure about what to do with this line-up of silverware and that row of glasses. The uncomfortable youth butters a slice of bread and then realizes that others are breaking off a piece at a time and buttering it individually. He blows on the soup to cool it and wonders why eyebrows raise...

The adroit and prudent young man knows how to cover for any possible shortcomings in his manners. There is, however, a particular moment when these inadequacies reveal themselves more clearly – it is the hour of meals taken in the company of others. One’s posture, gestures, manner of eating and relations maintained with others at the table are visible and sure criteria to determine a person’s degree of culture. At meals one reveals whether he is accustomed to dine politely or is ignorant of general table etiquette. Since the table is where one meets persons of the family and society, the laws of the table are important. The Golden Rule is expressed in two forms: avoid showing any discontent with what is served, and try to please one’s neighbor as much as it is fitting, without making disproportionate eulogies or lies. Superlatives, such as “This is the best roasted chicken I have ever had in my life” or other such overstatements, are cheap resources to please and shine that often produce the opposite effect. Be polite, but stay within the limits of the truth. Catholic hospitality and the sincere desire of both host and guests to please one another constitute the principal elements that inspired table customs, and even the invention of many table utensils and items. Let us enter into some details on this topic.

Being punctual Punctuality is a factor of order and harmony. Delay causes disorder in the daily schedule and work, causes inconvenience to others at the table, and disconcerts the cook. At formal dinner parties, the rule is to arrive five minutes early, so as to greet the members of the house and other guests. A delay is not justified, even by the most skillfully prepared excuse. The rule is to foresee possible problems on the road in order to be able to arrive on time. If problems are anticipated, it is better to start some time earlier. Then, if no difficulties are encountered, one can find a place to sit and read, or pass a short time until the appointed hour. Some persons wrongly imagine that to be late is a sign of one’s importance. Do not fall into this error. It is a discourtesy that only serves to disturb the dinner schedule, and will impress no one. The same rule that informs the guest to be punctual, tells the host to wait no more than 10 or 15 minutes to begin the planned meal. The host who follows good protocol will not change the sequence of courses to accommodate the late guest. It is the latecomer who must risk having his place at the table taken by another person, losing the appetizer and first course, and be the general cause of irritation to the entire party. We see that to be late does not promote anyone socially; rather it does the opposite.

At the table At the dining table, the guest will occupy the place indicated to him, and will seat himself only after the host or head of the table is seated. He will greet, if he has not already done so, the persons around him and will discreetly enter into conversation, guarding his words. Conversation at a formal dinner should be turned to cordial small talk, until a common subject of interest is found. When one is sure that his neighbor agrees with him on a particular topic, then a more open exchange of ideas may take place. The formal banquet setting can be forbidding to the guest unlearned in table manners Are discussions allowed? This depends on the group of persons invited to the dinner, as well as the nature of the party. At the family table, in a circle of close friends, or in a social club, it is normal to have exchanges of ideas and opinions, insofar as respect and amiability are maintained. At a table with unknown persons, such as at a formal banquet, such discussions should be avoided. It is also disagreeable to have to listen to others proselytizing at a meal. Avoid reports on one’s health, especially if prosaic details are involved. Should you dine with an older person suffering from well-known ailments, a short and courteous: “How is that bad ankle of yours?” or “Are you recovering well from your surgery?” suffices. The table is not the appropriate place to discuss medical problems and prescriptions. Instead of trying to dominate the conversation, a young man will listen with interest to the topic of conversation chosen by the guests of honor or the head of the table. If he has some point to raise, he should frame it as a question to the one speaking, remembering that elders like to be asked their advice or opinions. After his question is answered, he can enter easily into the conversation as an accepted party either asking another question or offering his opinion, without, however, appearing pretentious. As he follows or joins in the conversation, he will keep an eye on what is going on with his neighbors with the aim of helping them if they need something. This should be a point of special attention if his table neighbors are elderly persons or ladies. Unless he is at a restaurant or a club with close friends, he should not call a waiter from across the room. However he can take advantage of when the waiter passes to ask for the desired items.

Table Settings A disconcerting sight for the inexperienced dinner guest at a formal dinner is the array of glasses and silverware he faces at his place setting. It is not, however, as mysterious as it appears. The general rule to follow is simple: eating utensils are used from the outside in. Use a new utensil for each course (don't save your salad fork to use with the main course, for instance). When you don’t know what utensil to use, watch what your host does and follow suit. Setting for a three-course meal and dessert The silverware above is arranged for a three course meal and dessert: first, the salad course (salad fork, 4); second, the soup course (soup spoon, 7); third, the meat course (fork and knife, 5 and 6), and the dessert (dessert fork and spoon, 8). The smaller bread knife (9) is placed across the bread plate positioned to the upper left of the plate. The water goblet (1), the largest, is placed above the knives. To its right and slightly in front of it is the red wine glass (2) or the smaller white wine glass (3). In the next picture, one finds the formal banquet place setting, which is set European style, that is with the salad as the last course instead of the first. Therefore, the salad fork is next to the plate. There is a reason for this: it allows the diner to enjoy the fullest taste of the wines served with the fish and meat plates. Because the salad vinegar can affect the palate and change the taste of the wine, the salad comes after the main course instead of before it. Setting for a five-course meal and dessert This picture shows a setting for a five-course meal and dessert: the first, the shellfish plate (seafood, or oyster fork), the soup course (soup spoon), the fish course (fish fork and knife), the meat course (dinner fork and knife), the salad (salad fork), and the dessert (dessert fork and spoon). The glasses include the water glass to the extreme left, followed by the champagne glass placed a little behind the others since the champagne is served at the dessert, and then the red wine and white wine glasses, placed according to size to allow the diner easy reach. If the dinner is served by waiters, they will remove the white wine glasses with the fish plates and the red wine glasses with the meat plates, leaving only the water and the champagne glasses for the dessert. There are two acceptable ways to use a knife and fork: American style and European style. In the American style, one holds the knife in the right hand, and fork in the left. Cut a piece of meat, then place the knife on the edge of your plate (with the blade facing in), then switch your fork to your right hand to eat (unless, of course, you're left-handed). In the European style, hold the knife in your right hand, the fork in the left. You do not switch hands - you eat with your fork in your left hand. [See a video of how to eat Continental-style here] It is amazing how many youths today do not know the most elementary table etiquette: the correct way to hold the fork. The proper way is to balance the utensil between the first knuckle of the middle finger and the tip of the index finger, while using the thumb to support the handle. When you use a knife, the tip of your index finger should rest on the upper blade of the knife. Never hold the utensil in a full-fisted way. Begin eating only after everyone at the table has been served. Above, this tells the waiter you have not finished the plate Below, this signals you are finished The placement of flatware when not in use acts as a message to the well-educated host or waiter, allowing the diner to indicate whether he has paused in eating, will eat more, or has finished the plate. When a guest finishes his salad and soup, the salad fork and the soup spoon should be set across the plates. If you would like another serving of soup, place the top of your spoon (concave side down) on the edge of the plate, with its handle setting on the table. At formal dinners it is not advisable to ask for a second helping because such requests will delay the service schedule. When a guest finishes eating the fish and meat courses, he signals this by setting the fork and knife parallel to each other, either across the center of the plate or diagonally with the handles pointing to the right. The cutting edge of the knife faces the diner and the fork tines are preferably up. If the diner has not finished, he indicates this by setting the fork on the left and the knife on the right so that they cross over each other in the center of the plate. The diner preparing to pass his plate for a second helping places the fork and knife parallel to each other at the right side of the plate, so that there is room for the food. The good waiter will know how to distinguish these codes, and never ask the stupid question: “Are you still working on this?” When the guest does not know these rules, the polite waiter will approach with the tray to ask: “Will you accept a little more?” or inquire “May I take your plate?” The general rule for serving, easily memorized, is: serve left and remove from the right. That is with food. As far as beverages, you serve them from the right. At a dinner with several courses, the used plate and corresponding silverware and wine glass are removed from the right. If a guest is still enjoying the wine served with that course, the glass should be left on the table. At a formal dinner or banquet, food should be presented to guests in the following order: guest of honor, female guests, male guests, hostess, host. At restaurants, the meals are generally served first to the women, then to the men, with the older served before the younger. During the meal, it is standard practice to pass to the right. The salt and pepper should be passed together. When the meal is finished, fold your napkin neatly and set it to the right of the plate. The meal table is no place for a purse or briefcase or other personal belongings – no matter how small. Personal effects should be placed on the floor, your lap, or hung on the chair. An exception to this rule is when the lady has a very small banquet purse, which she may set on the table at her right side, next to the silverware. If you have a cell phone with you, be sure it is turned off and placed out of sight. It is a breach of consideration for others to answer your cell phone during a meal. In the event of an emergency, apologize beforehand for having to answer your phone, then leave the table and talk outside of the room.

By Marian T. Horvat, Ph.D.

From Tradition In Action 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

 

Victorian and Edwardian Etiquette for Romance, Chaperons and Engagements

Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid.

Manners and Modes: A young girl has the temerity to bring a chaperone to a dance — From “Punch” or the “London Charivari” Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920 ~ Chaperons were seen less often in society after World War I

Duties of the Chaperon

The need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations, and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another. For this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural America has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities.

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls, taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present, or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers. Young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid. This rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences.

When a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction, an older person should always accompany them. Such an attendant, who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people, if possible, would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and a protection against criticism.

The day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room, her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call. For débutante daughters the custom still holds good. For a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons, it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, as well, the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people. The wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people, and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor. It is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance.

Romance blooms ~ At the Fancy Dress Ball of 1893 ~ It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family...

 
It is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man, but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted, and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses. This should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season. The duenna young woman carefully guarded in her home. It yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions.

Even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally; she has little pleasure in going unattended; she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, and never without an older married woman to assist her. She may, however, have her regular afternoon or evening "At Home," provided she has with her this friend; and with that friend present, she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any beverage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade.
 
In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage. Wherever the young débutante goes in society, to every place of amusement, when walking or driving in the park, when shopping or calling and during her calling hours at home, the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant. The common usage of smaller towns, seashore places, and country villages differs in degree of attendance.
 
The only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be, remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable, and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves. Experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger. Everything depends upon the girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives. The relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life; or they may be a mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax.
 
The careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age, unattended by any adult, is to be deplored. Among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent, who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking, and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends. Until a girl makes her début in society, she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home, and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, or a christening. Even after an engagement is announced, the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles, when they go to any place of public amusement.
 

No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. 

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. (Though I imagine some parents never gave permission)

The Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement

It is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her. This is largely a form in America, for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter, unless the father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's friendship; also, the daughter, rather than the parents, does the choosing, and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young man, whom they had permitted to enter their home, a chance to try his fate. Should they have good cause for such refusal, they should have used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable impression the young man may have made, before matters came to a crisis, who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her.  It may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage,through loss of relatives, financial limitations, or the following of some business calling or profession and that they are not, in general, treated with less respect than the "The Proposal."

In matters of great moment, where the emotions are deeply stirred, the trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important.  One may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to do.  No woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer. Of course, there are times when she receives, without power to check it, an unwelcome proposal. Her refusal then should be very decisive but very considerate. She should express regret at the situation, and her appreciation of the honor which has been done her, at the same time leaving no opportunity for future hope. In case she is already engaged, she should tell him so. If the proposal be written, it requires an immediate answer. Urgency of response is determined by the importance to the sender.
 
The return of a letter unopened, even if the woman have good reason to think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse, is extremely rude, and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of confidence. If a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has refused and whose persistency she has sought to end, she may place the letter in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or legal representatives, to be acted on as they think best. The manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character. No man and woman, having passed through this experience together, can fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each other's character.
 
In a great majority of cases in America, at least, where access to the young woman is gained through a thousand social channels, the real declaration of love comes spontaneously, and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal. For by a thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself. So it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation on the part of the woman. This is true in that society where really well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman of character permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his advances. The method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all major matters of morals, those deeper things of life, for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of high ideals.
 
When the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home, it is not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize each other. Consideration on the part of the family would see to it that they have some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers should be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if there were no special attachment. For social exclusiveness shows an absorption in each other which, if selfishly indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society; and, because it is essential for those who are to marry to become thoroughly acquainted, they should together mingle with other people, for so are the actual traits of character best brought out. This does not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at times, but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves.

She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society.

The young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband, and should never slight him because he is pledged to her, nor unduly exalt him for the same reason. She should now remember that the broad world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify, and she should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should not go alone with other young men to places of amusement or entertainment. She should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife, that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society. On the other hand she must not cater to the man she is to marry, to the extent of failing to do her social duty, or of making others feel that she has no interest in them.
 
As members of the same social set, the engaged couple will naturally meet much in society. They should not meet with effusion, or sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them embarrassed. They should not spend too much time with each other. Their hostess will send them out to dinner together, which is in marked contrast to the custom later when they are married, for then they will always be separated when in society. The young woman should be careful not to permit her fiancé to take her away in a corner from other guests for a long time, and he should remember to do his social duty by other young ladies present, even if he wishes to devote himself to one.
 
The task of meeting each other's friends, after the engagement is announced, is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable, and should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny. The great ordeal of winning each other is decided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of establishing friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object of dread. Real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent roughnesses smooth. An engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event which they may both grace with their presence. The common human interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent interest of the married, tend to focus all eyes upon them. For this reason they will try and be as little conspicuous as may be. 

Announcement of Engagement

The announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways, but always first by the family of the young woman. If a public newspaper announcement is desired, a notice similar to the following, signed with a name and address, must be sent to the society editor of the local paper or papers:
 

“Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce the engagement of their daughter Ethel to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date of the wedding has not been fixed, but it will probably take place soon after Easter.”

Or it may read: “Miss Ethel Abbott announces her engagement to Mr. Hayden B. Bradley” etc... 

If a less public announcement is desired, the young couple may each write personal notes to their friends. In these notes one or two afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be "At Home." This gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of the young man to meet his fiancée. The entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea, in which she and her mother receive, the former wearing a pretty but not too rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sandwiches, cakes, and tea should be served.
 
If an engagement is to be for long, it would be well to have the announcement of it as quiet as possible, or not to announce it until the time for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the young people not to be seen very much together until its final stages. Immediately upon the announcement of an engagement, the mother of the man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother, and invite them, or the entire family, to dinner.
 
The family of the young man should be the first to make advances. The other members of the young man's family should call upon the young woman promptly, even if they have never met her before, or, if calling is impossible, they should write and express their approval and good wishes. According to the position of the family, should the elaborateness of entertainment be. It is a nice custom, when the young lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fiancé, for them to invite her to come and visit them. The calls of his family upon her, and their letters to her, should be very promptly returned or answered. If the young woman live in the country, her father will invite the young man for a visit.

Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called "showers," and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of "showers," as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend.  These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.
 
Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a "shower" duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A "shower" is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.
 
The "shower" is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a "shower" are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."
 
There is a wide range of possible kinds of "showers," but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a "shower," but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places.

It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity.

The Broken Engagement

When an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the young man all letters and presents, and may ask, by a brief, courteous, but dignified, note, for the return of her letters to him. It would not be necessary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the man would take the sending back of his gifts as final, and to mean the return of hers also.
 
In case the wedding is near, so that wedding presents have been received from friends, the no longer "bride-elect" should return them to the givers with an explanatory note. The note should mention nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken. The mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of the engagement. She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes to friends.  In case of a broken engagement, it is not delicate to allude to it, unless one is a very intimate friend, and then it is better to leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned.
 
It is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will. Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity. A man is expected to make no explanation, even privately, as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement, as the release must at least appear to come from the woman. Whatever she chooses to say, or however unjust the remarks of friends seem, he is in honor bound to show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow upon her reputation, even if his own suffers instead.
 
However, in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement has been broken mutually, even though no reason is obvious. This should be so, for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a marriage engagement, marriages will be entered into the almost certain outcome of which is the divorce court. A lady should never accept any but trivial gifts, such as flowers, a book, a piece of music, or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman who is not related to her. Even a marriage engagement does not make the acceptance of costly gifts wise.

When costliness rather than beauty, is the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.


 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia